Finally Opening Up
I know, this feels like beating a dead horse or otherwise dancing on its grave. The forum controversy feels like it’s been over forever for me. However, I finally wanted to speak up about why I had posted my photos on your forums when you had requested your fans to do so. My goal isn’t to outright attack you, it is simply to get you to realize how much power that you have over your fans and how damaging that it can become. I’m 15 now, and I believe that I was around thirteen when I was ecstatic to share my face-and as creepy as it sounds now-my body figure in order to seek validation. I blatantly refused to do any second thinking about my actions. And looking back I did it because I found you as a big aspiration to live up to. Now, I can’t recall if I had shown up in your videos and I can’t be bothered to sift through them at this point. But that doesn’t matter. What mattered was that in my mind I thought that I valued you as a person, and that you were this honest person, or so you said. I now look back and see that if I had seen myself being judged by you not so long ago, that if you even went as far to criticize the shape of my eyebrows maybe, it would’ve torn me apart. You retweet and reblog the statuses of people who have claimed you helped them. But this is because they would follow you to the ends of the earth. A few strong people cannot cover up that some were weak, but you do not reblog and apologize to those who took your words of an idol too far. You mocked them. Refused to remove videos that were then being used as weapons to mock and make fun of the weaker ones. I no longer follow you because I see now that you are no longer happy or that you’re act to appear happy can no longer be bought. I subscribed to your channel in 2012 because I saw you as this light of hope. You influenced my thoughts and behaviors because at the time I had just moved in with a new set of parents, who I felt like I could not be open to you. So your beliefs and morality influenced me easily. You showed to be happy but over not a long course of time you became negative. I was optimistic enough to keep on following you and that one day, you’d be a careless ball of joy that I had looked up to for so long once again. You had made the biggest impact on me because I had no one else to turn to. You can twist those words however you want, mock me for looking up to you, but the past isn’t something that you can change. I stopped following you because you’re bad vibes and the drama got worse and you let it run your channel. Thats why I stopped following you. I’m doing better now, and a big chunk of my mindset has changed or developed in some way. I know that I have a hell of a lot more growing up to do. There’s no denying that. If you don’t ever get to reading this, that’s okay. All in all, I just needed this to get off of my chest. If you ignore it, even better. But if you’ve gotten to the end of this overkill of a passage, I don’t want to cause you any harm. Or to tell you what to do. Because I have little power over an adult.