Hi. Uhm. I had sex and I regret it so much. I'm only 15. We used protection and stuff so that's fine but.... I wish I didn't do it. He really wanted to and I was like, "Hey. Why not?" and I feel like if I hadn't done it he would've broken up with me. :( I'm scared my mom finds out because he told his friends and his friends have a tendency to spread stuff and I'm terrified it reaches the principal. Cuz principal = parents usually. What do I do now? I want to tell my mom so I can cry and
she can reassure me, but if she finds out and tel’s my dad…. they’ll disown me. I remember my dad used to say, “If I ever find out you have sex now, O____, you’re a goner.” I hate myself.
First of all, let me give you a big, stinkin’ hug. You sound like you’ve been run through the wringer, and I want you to know that you will be okay and that I’m here to listen. Now, there are a couple of things I’ll ask for your well-being (you don’t have to answer me, but know the answers for yourself).
1. How old is your boyfriend? Is he over 18, even just a little? If so, you need to tell an authority figure because that is statutory rape and is illegal.
2. Did you wholeheartedly tell him “yes”? In the moment, did you absolutely want to do it and did you tell him “Yes, I want to do this”? If you didn’t, or if he pressured you in any way, that also counts as rape and you must tell an authority figure.
If neither of these two things is an issue, you’re on surer ground, but you still have some things to deal with. First of all, did you give him permission to talk to his friends about it? They have no right to be spreading your private matters around. If it does reach the principal, you have just as much a case against them for violating your privacy. I know that’s not your major concern, but keep that in mind.
I’m sorry you felt like you had to have sex so that your boyfriend wouldn’t break up with you. But I think you need to ask yourself if that’s a relationship worth keeping. If something so small would cause him to walk away, what would make him stick around through even bigger challenges? I know you’re both young, but I think you need to value yourself in this case and ask yourself if he’s the kind of guy who was in it for one thing or not. Sadly, those sorts of guys do exist. It doesn’t mean he didn’t like you, but if he made you feel like he was going to leave if he didn’t get sex from you, it means he really didn’t value you as a whole person or respect your perspective.
When it comes to your parents, I understand being afraid to tell them, especially if they have made threats like that before. Were those things said in a joking or hyperbolic way? Do you trust that your parents won’t put their money where their mouth is? It could be, when actually faced with a situation where their child is hurt and upset, that they might not go through with what they claimed. I don’t know your parents, but this is a possibility. If you’re sure they’ll act on what they’ve said, find another authority figure in your life. A friend’s mom, maybe. A trusted aunt, uncle, or cousin. Even a teacher you know and trust should be able to help you with this and not involve the principal or your parents if you tell them your concerns. If you have absolutely no one irl to talk to about this, here’s a Sex Ed Hotline for teens (includes text/chat options), and they can give you more specific advice for your situation.
I’m sorry, honey. This sounds like a difficult situation to navigate. But I want you to know that you are not broken or dirty or a failure because of this. You made a decision that you now regret, and that’s all there is to it. I’m very proud that you used protection. But even as you work through this tough phase, take the opportunity to learn something about yourself, your sexuality, and your expectations from your partners in the future. Read up more about how to know you’re really ready, and don’t rush into it. Again, you’re not a failure, nor should you hate yourself. You’re young. Use the opportunity to learn and grow as a person. I hope you can work something out with your parents, and if you can’t, take care of yourself first and foremost. I’ll be thinking of and praying for you.