do not get me started on her okay

Story 215: Cultural Exchange

The human steps onto the station from her shuttle, and walks into the scanner.  It flashes - no weapons.  I pity her, though there’s nothing I can do for her.  By tomorrow she will be a slave the same as me; the Gaunvans collect ambassadors like trophies.
“Hello there!  Amanda Thorn, ambassador for the Empire of Humanity.  You’re a Ixian, correct?”
Mimicking human body language, I nod my head.  "That’s correct.  Ix Malasan.  It is an honor to meet you.“
She smiles, reminding me again that she has somehow modified herself to breathe atmosphere suited to the Gaunvans rather than wear a respirator like myself.  Other than that she appears to be a standard human, something I am led to believe is less and less common as they pursue the bizarre compulsion humans have to alter their bodies.  Changing hair color, adding pigments to their skins in patterns and pictures, growing long tails or ears that mimic other species from their planet.  No other known species tampers with their bodies like this.
“Not to be undiplomatic, she says, "but the Gaunvans enslaved your people.  Why are you here?”
“We… reached a mutually beneficial agreement.  We would have lost in combat and been eliminated, so we chose to preserve what we could of our culture.  The Gaunvans are not naturally skilled at diplomacy, so they bring me along to assist and to show that peace can be made.”
She nods.  "Understood.  I can respect that choice.  How much freedom do you have, personally?“
Smart of her, to start planning for her future. "A fair amount.  I have free reign on the ship when we are in transit.  At the homeworld I have reasonably comfortable quarters.”
“Have you ever met the Empress, or…?”
“Oh, no.  No, while on the homeworld I am confined to my chambers - but they’re quite spacious.”
“Shame.  Okay, plan ‘A’ then.  Let’s get this over with.”

Despite my attempt at encouraging diplomacy, the Gaunvan commander starts with threats.  I don’t know why I bother.  He looms over the human, chitinous plates almost black in the dim light.  His pod of six is posted around the room, for show more than for actual security since she followed orders and came alone and unarmed.  "Failure to surrender will bring the full wrath of our army upon you.  Humanity will be crushed, and wiped from the universe.“
To her credit, she looks very calm.  "We live in a post-scarcity society.  Bloody conquest just seems silly, doesn’t it?”
“It is for the glory of Gaun!”
“Well, I’m not prepared to get into a religious debate with you,” she says, “since I doubt there’s anything I can do to change your mind.  Since you’re committed to this course of action, what are you willing to offer if we surrender?”
Now he goes back on script.  Maybe I am getting through to him a little?  He talks about the benefits of being enslaved, mainly the protections for up to twelve designated culturally historical sites.  They’ve been mostly good on their word on my homeworld, though they did use the area just outside of the Hahhn Memorial as a waste dump.

She nods as she listens.  There was a part of me that was worried she would argue, because the humans are somewhat childlike.  They don’t understand the horrors of war.  Certainly they fought in the past, but the last time they had to battle was more than two of their generations ago, so these ones have all grown up coddled and soft.  They play games with each other instead, silly competitions.  They make art, and play pretend, and alter their bodies for fun.  They don’t have weapons anymore, and wouldn’t know how to use them if they did.
“Well then,” ambassador Thorn says, “this is about what I expected.  On behalf of humanity, I would like to formally reject this offer.”
Oh no.  Foolish humans.  The galaxy will miss your innocence.  The commander makes an excited clicking noise, looking forward to combat.  He reaches a blade-tipped hand towards ambassador Thorn, but hesitates as every device in the room bleats out an alert - we’ve all lost communications with the outside.

Like one of the dances humans do, she gracefully pivots around while taking his hand.  She ends up close to him and places her other arm against his thorax, then… oh gods. Gods, what… she’s ripped his arm off.  It’s not possible.  The commander is clearly thinking the same thing, staring in mute shock at his dripping limb.
“I’d like to extend a counter-offer,” she says, and flips the arm around before jamming the bladed end into his neck.  The warriors around the room are fidgeting, uncertain.  They haven’t been told to attack, and don’t want to dishonor their commander by intervening in a fight with such a small creature.  She’s still holding the commander’s severed arm in his neck, but she rotates and heaves, lifting him off the ground with it for a moment… and then his head pops off, landing squarely on the conference table.  She allows the corpse to slide to the ground, and straightens her clothes as if they aren’t covered in ichor.

I don’t understand.

The warriors, now with no orders at all, finally act.  She smiles as they come for her, I suppose because she has done her duty to send this powerful message of resistance.  She can die in peace.  Or… no… She’s killing them.  She’s smiling because this is fun for her.  Though they’re partly killing themselves; if there had been two of them, prepared, strategic, they might have prevailed.  Watching six panicked fighters get in each other’s way while trying to stop a smaller, faster, and somehow impossibly stronger foe is almost hypnotic.  At least one is killed by the stab of a friendly lance due to pure confusion.  It’s over faster than I would have thought possible, severed limbs strewn across the room.  I’ve got some fluids splashed across my clothing.  Only one yet lives, and he is retreating.  She seems to be allowing it.

She follows behind, holding a lance.  The wounded and scared warrior scurries down the hallway towards his ship, looking back behind him as he goes.  She’s just… walking.  Calm.  And for some reason I’m following.  The last Gaunvan reaches the airlock and the second he enters his code she throws the lance - throws it! - and spears him.
“Come on, we’re stealing their ship.”  She says it like this is the most normal thing in the world.
“There are thousands more on board!  Thousands!  Almost all warrior caste!”
She smiles again, and keeps walking.  I see errors on the screens that we pass, messages indicating communications have been lost.  They can’t tell anyone what is happening here.  Even the communicators within the ship are on nodes rather than being wired, so the warriors at one end of the vessel won’t be able to coordinate with the other end.  Do they even know they’ve been boarded?
“How?”

We enter the bridge after she kills a handful of other guards with ease.  They’re too shocked by her presence to act in time.  Once the door are sealed and she is working on the control systems she starts talking to me again.
“Well, you know, we do like to be prepared.”
“But you… you ripped his arm off.”
“Yeah, that was super satisfying.”  She looks at me appraisingly.  "Oh, come on.  Is it really that surprising?  You knew we were into changing ourselves, right?  Being strong enough to pop an overgrown bug’s forelimb off isn’t rocket science.“
"Your people are so peaceful…”
“Oh, sure, most of them.  But we did that, too.  Tweaked ourselves over the years to decrease aggression and some of our tribalistic tendencies, increase empathy… all stuff that can be undone if needed.  Though for a good cause even the nicest of us can squish a bug or two.”
“You bond with Ry'ling devourers!”
“Those are the big fuzzy guys that look like cats, yeah?  Those guys are adorable!  But… look, liking some things that could kill us doesn’t mean we’ll sit back and get enslaved.  We didn’t put up with it well when we enslaved each other, and we certainly aren’t going to go for it now that we’re… finally… on the same page about slavery being unacceptable.  It was, uh, a longer time than we like to admit before the last hold-outs were convinced of that one.”

I can feel the ship un-dock.  We’re moving.  "What about all the warriors on board?  They’ll break through the doors eventually!“
"Not according to this control panel here.  Take a look.”
It says there’s no atmosphere in the rest of the ship.  Life signs are negative on all but two of the warriors, presumably the only ones that got to their suits in time.  She disabled all the safety measures, somehow.  She just killed… I check the life signs readout again to confirm the number… three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen soldiers.  Wait, how is it tracking that unless… “Are communications back up?”
“Yeah, I’m calling some friends.  The military is right around the corner, so to speak.”
“But Earth doesn’t have a standing military.”
She laughs.  Not just a little bit.  She’s actually doubled over for a moment, unable to catch her breath.  "Sweet Jeebus, you guys actually fell for that?  No standing military.  Have you read about us at all?“

Three ships appear seemingly out of nowhere, and one docks with the Gaunvan vessel.  Once the atmosphere is restored we head to the airlock to meet them, and I’m surprised by an entire platoon of Gaunvan warriors.  Speaking English.
"Okay boys, send your last goodbyes!  This is in all likelihood a one way mission.  Commander Thorn!  It is an honor to see you again, and might I say you look exquisite drenched in the blood of your enemies!”
She bows to him, blushing, and then salutes the Gaunvans.  Or… humans?  Can they change themselves this drastically?
“You’ve got two holed up in here somewhere.  Bridge is clear, have the techs bring the new brain on board.”
“New brain?”
She looks at me like she’s forgotten that I’m here, and then turns back to the others.  "Men, this is our new friend Ix Malasan who has just been liberated from his captivity.  He’s going to be helping with our intel.  Malasan, yeah, a new brain for the ship.  Once this vessel is cleaned up and back in service with a new crew we’ll be able to take it over whenever we want even if all of our boys get killed.  We cooked up a really sadistic AI for it.“
"But how do you know the protocols?  This was your first contact with the Gaunvans, they’ve never lost a ship anywhere near here!”
“No?  There wasn’t a mining colony disaster two years ago?”
“But that was just an accident… and you weren’t even involved in the war yet… and…”

The faux-Gaunvans have finished boarding.  The one that was talking to them before puts a bladed claw on ambassador - commander - Thorn’s shoulder.  "You coming with?“
"Naw.  Orders said I could only come if they allow ambassadors near extremely high value targets.  Malasan here says they don’t, so I need to wait for my next mission back on Earth.”
“It would have been nice having you with us, Thorn.  Well, maybe we’ll see each other again.  Suicide mission or not, I think I’ve decided to live through it.”
“Bold choice,” she says, and kisses him next to his lower mandibles.
He nods at me, then turns back to his men. “Okay everyone, we are now officially on the job.  And what is that job?”
In unison, they start chanting.

“FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!”

For a moment I nearly feel pity for the Gaunvans.  Nearly.  Commander Thorn leads me off of the ship, and I start thinking about what useful information I can provide the ‘harmless’ humans.  Fuck shit up, indeed.

take a look 👀👀👀 at this! that ➡️right ➡️ there is the mail. ✉️✉️ can we talk about the mail ✉️✉️ please, mac 💻? i’ve been dying 🤒🤢 to talk about the mail ✉️✉️ with you all day, okay 👌🏽? pepe 🐸🐸 silvia. this name keeps coming ⬆️up ⬆️ over and over again. every day, pepe’s mail ✉️ is getting sent 📪 back to me. pepe 🐸🐸silvia. pepe 🐸🐸 silvia. i look 👀 in the mail ✉️, well THIS WHOLE BOX 📦 IS PEPE 🐸 SILVIA!! so i say to myself, i gotta 🔎find 🔎 this guy. i gotta go ⬆️up⬆️ to his office 🏢. i gotta put his mail ✉️ in the guy’s goddamn ✋🏽hands ✋🏽otherwise he’s never gonna get it. he’s gonna keep coming ⬇️down⬇️ here. so i go ⬆️up⬆️ to pepe’s office 🏢 and what do i 🔎find🔎 out, mac 🍔? what do i 🔎find🔎 out? there is no 🐸pepe🐸 silvia. THE 👨🏻MAN 👨🏻DOES NOT ❌❌ EXIST. okay, so i decided ohhh 💩shit💩buddy. i gotta ⚒dig⚒ a little deeper📉. there’s no 🐸pepe 🐸silvia? you gotta be 😂kidding 😂 me. i got boxes📦📦 full of 🐸pepe🐸. alright, so i start 🏃🏽marching 🏃🏽my way ⬇️down ⬇️to carol💁🏽 in HR. and i ✊🏻knock✊🏻 on her door🚪 and i say “💁🏽💁🏽CAAAROL💁🏽. 💁🏽💁🏽CAAAAAAAROL. 💁🏽💁🏽 i gotta talk to you about 🐸pepe🐸.” and when i open the 🚪door, 🚪what do i find? 🤔🤔🤔there’s ❌not ❌a single goddamn 🗄desk 🗄in that office🏢! THERE. IS. ❌NO. ❌CAROL 💁🏽IN💁🏽 HR. 🍔mac💻, half the employees in this 🏢building 🏢 have been made up. this office is a goddamn 👻ghost👻 town.

settle down | (m)

• pairing: min yoongi x reader, roommate! yoongi
• genre/warnings: smut, angst, fluff, slow buuurrrn, enemies to lovers
• words: 14,930
→summary: An unfortunate event finds you living with the man you practically despise over the summer. However, maybe through a series of fortunate events, you find yourself falling for him…
• note. this is a remastered version of the originally story I wrote called ‘and july’ (found here) that I wrote for suho back when I started this blog, albeit slightly (very?) different.

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2

I got a call from Ali Adler and Andrew Kreisberg, and they were saying, “Hey, we’d really love for you to come in and sit down so we can talk creative with you.” I was like, “Oh, okay, I didn’t realize we were going to do that, that’s great!” I was sitting in their office, and all of a sudden, they’re like, “So, we want to just tell you what we’re thinking, what we’re going to do, and wanted to get your take on it.” They had this funny little smile on their face, I’m like, “What’s going on?” They’re like, “Well, so this season, Alex is gay.” I was like, “Oh, what?” They just went into the whole story, explaining the why behind the what, and that it’s not like this thing that all of a sudden is just spilling out, it’s a discovery for her. That’s how we wanted to approach it. You have so many stories — shows and movies — where people are already established as gay, lesbian, bi[sexual]; these are people who are coming in like that. This was a great opportunity to show somebody who’s figuring it out, the light bulb moment and putting the puzzle pieces together.

When they were explaining it to me, I was like, “Wow, I wouldn’t have thought it,” because last season you just didn’t really see any of that side of Alex. When they originally said, “Hey, we’re thinking about a love interest,” but they didn’t say what the whole thing was, I was almost like, “Oh, I don’t know if we should do that yet,” because I don’t want it to become about Alex in a relationship, where we don’t get to see enough about her discovering more about who she is because so much of it was hidden last season. Then when they started to explain the whole idea, at first I was kind of taken back a little bit, not in a negative way, but just going, “Oh, okay.” Then the weight of it hit me, thinking, “Oooh, okay, we need to really, really do justice to this in a really beautiful way.” It was right around the time of the Orlando shooting, and I just all of a sudden was hit with this weight, because I knew that then I was going to be a face for the LGBT community, and I was like, “I gotta get this right. I don’t want to go out there and say one thing and then do something else. I just want to make sure that this is very respectful and tasteful and being done with sensitivity.

read more on EW.

  • Betty: Veronica kissed me.
  • Jughead: Oh, my God.
  • Kevin: Okay, we want to hear everything. Archie, get the wine. Betty, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
  • Betty: Oh, it ended very well.
  • Archie: *getting the wine* Don't start without me. Don't start without me.
  • Kevin: Alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like an “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?
  • Betty: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then we just sort of sunk into it.
  • Kevin: Were you holding her? Or were her hands on you?
  • Betty: Actually, first they started on my waist. And then they slowly slid up to my shoulders.
  • Archie, Jughead, and Kevin: Ohhhhh!
  • [in the next room]
  • Veronica: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
  • Reggie: Tongue?
  • Veronica: Yeah.
  • Reggie: Cool.
How to ruin a thirsty NPC's day.

So I play in a Tyranny of Dragons game, and I had just retired my old character. My new character, a elf wizard/cleric (Ali) was going with our genasi monk (Gin) to visit an NPC named Jack in the Yawning Portal. This NPC happened to have a *huge* crush on our Monk.

We walked up to him and I’m introduced.
DM: Ali, you can tell that the moment he sees Gin, he becomes he extremely flustered.
Me: Alright. I shake his hand and say “Be careful not to fall to hard, dear, you might get a bruise.”
(Group starts laughing)
DM: Hah, okay, so you say that to him and he becomes even more flustered than he was before.
Gin’s player: Gin is completely oblivious and is really confused, like “he’s sitting down he’d have to fall off pretty hard to get a bruise.”
(Gin and the NPC proceed to have a conversation about another NPC, whilst I wiggle my eyebrows behind her to mess with Jack)
DM: Eventually the barkeep comes over with you drinks and asks for 3cp each.
Me(IC): I’ll cover it. Do you want a drink, Jack?
Jack: Nah thanks, just some more water.
Me(IC): To be honest, Jack, I’m not surprised by how much water you drink, considering how thirsty you are.
(Group immediately loses their shit)
DM, whilst laughing: Oh my god. That was amazing. You get inspiration, holy shit. You have never seen a human become more flustered than Jack is right now. He almost chokes on his water.

I’m so glad my new character gets along with NPCs.

tl;dr - I roasted a really thirty NPC into oblivion

Writing is Hard, pt 8: Slow and Steady

Summary: Dean shows you his favorite kind of sex.

Read Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Warning: Smut, dirty talk

Word Count: 3100ish

A/N: This is all written with love for fan fic. I’m teasing, not putting it down in any way. Hope you enjoy! (Sorry, tag list is closed!) XOXO

The motel door opens quietly and you hear Dean shuffle in, his footsteps easy to recognize. You don’t move, body too exhausted to even roll over in bed and say hi.

Sam has to know that Dean comes to your room every night now. Actually, Dean just goes straight in with you now more often than not, leaving Sam to himself. You’ve never discussed it, but you suspect that Sam’s silence on the matter of you and Dean is his thank you for finally having some privacy on a regular basis.

Either way, you aren’t remotely surprised that Dean is here. You listen to boots being kicked off, a gun being placed on the night stand, and clothes being shuffled off. He’s down to his boxers when he slides beneath the covers.

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Lie to me? Steal my work? Have fun going from 52K a year to minimum wages.

(warning: long story)

Takes place back in 2014, long read with a lot of buildup to revenge. I was about a year into my job and was being recognized for my talents and promoted pretty regularly. I was constantly being used as the liaison between my company and the client companies we had business and contracts with, and literally have saved our contract companies hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Then I was approached by Amy, who was in another department, for a job opportunity in the next month or so. She was going out on medical leave and was going to train me to take over her position in the interim and then fully take it over once she came back and moved into a new role. I was ecstatic because I knew she had a salary position and that’s what I really wanted. Most of the salaried positions in the company were the kind you had direct reports and in my industry there is a lot of stupid and handholding so I was not looking forward to have to deal with that stuff, but here was this angel offering me the salary I wanted and the stepping stone I wanted to get further in the company, all without having to deal with stupidity on a daily basis! So for the next 3 weeks I’m pulled from my current duties about twice a week to train in her position. In the beginning it was really menial stuff to get aquatinted with her department but then we started getting into the bigger Excel stuff. Now her job was 90% Excel based, but in having her teach me her job and the duties and deadlines for certain things I realized she was basically flying by with basic Excel knowledge (I’m taking formulas to do math and VLOOKUPs were the majority of what she used in EVERYTHING). Now I was really okay with it and knew I could bring a lot more to the position with my knowledge and really help out the management team and showcase my expertise to them.

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The Preacher’s Daughter // A Mitch Rapp Smut

Author: @minhosmeanhoe

A/N: This is mine and @stilinski-jpeg ‘s first series together and I’m so fucking excited for y’all to see what we have planned. Love you Nia and thank you for being my best friend. 

Relationship: Mitch Rapp x Reader / Mitch Rapp x OFC

Warnings: NSFW, Explicit Sexual Content, Smut, Fingering, Oral (Male on Female), Sinning, Underage Drinking, and Swearing.

Word Count: 6,176

Song: Shape of You by Ed Sheeran

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked, my nervous voice ringing with the sound of my heels clicking against the pavement.

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Newcomers Pt6

“EAT IT!!!”

“NO”

“I SAID EAT IT!”

“GET OFF ME WOMAN!!” Hesky shouts throwing Karen off him and running out the door.

“YOU WILL ACCEPT MY VALENTINE LOVE!!!” she shouts chasing after him holding her home made chocolates above her head.


The two Humans screaming and running past Dr Loop’s door was nothing out of the ordinary these days, he liked the Humans and found them fascinating and rather good company. That did not mean that he did not find them odd to the point of thinking they were all insane. Some were quiet and preferred to be alone and other were loud and found hurting themselves to be hilarious. Suddenly his door opened with another Human limping.

“What happened to you?” Dr Loop asks.

“Sergeant Stabby got me” he replies.

“Why do you keep it around and why the Admiral allows that thing to stay I’ll never know”

“Don’t talk ill of Sergeant Stabby, he is war hero you know”

“IT is a cleaning machine”

“Irrelevant he is a hero and deserves our respect”

“But-”

“SHHHHHH here he comes”

Sergeant Stabby made his way into the Dr’s office and bumped into a few wall and furniture all the while the Human stood up and saluted it until it left.

“Tell me something um…” Dr Loop said

“Cho”

“Cho, tell me something Cho is it the norm for you race to be so….nuts?”

Cho smiled “You’ve never been to Terra have you?”

“No”

“Shame, because if you think we are crazy you’d love to see us on our home world”

Dr Loop just scoffed and went to look at Cho’s foot. “The bleeding has already stopped”

“Well yeah he doesn’t stab us deeply”

“But still  for wound like this to stop bleeding so soon”

“Yeah it’s clotting? Wait…have you worked on Humans before”

“I have studied Human anatomy yes”

“But actually worked with one? In person before we got here?”

Dr Loop did not like his skills being questioned, his race the Seelom were a very proud race especially of their skills.

“It matters not, I know all the ins and outs of your kinds bodies, probably better than you and the rest of your backwards and primitive kind”

Cho raised an eyebrow “Give your arm for a sec” he asked.

“Why?”

“Just trust me”

Dr Loop gave him one of his right arms and Cho stuck out his tongue all the while looking at his face for a reaction but Dr Loop just looked confused and a little disgusted.

Cho licked his arm and a split second later Dr Loop was screaming as Cho’s saliva burned through his skin.

Dr Loop fell tot he floor cradling his arm and after a few more seconds the burning stopped and Cho was on his feet.

“Guess you forgot our saliva is like acid to your kind” he said and left without helping him up.



The Benemar Chief of Admiral Polts fleet was back on Bento Prime, he had already been disgraced for not seeking justice after one of his clan leaders was killed by a Human female. And to let the Humans gain all the glory for the liberation of Remer making their kind out to be a joke.

“Cheif Goolack of the Benemar step forward!” called one of the High Chieftains and he stpped forward.

“You are a coward and weak, you let the murder of your own kind go unanswered and these Humans push you around like your are their slave, what say you in your defence”

Chief Goolack stood up straight, the chains around his wrists were heavy and those around his legs were heavier, his pig-like nose snorted and his tusks had been cut to show his disgrace.

“I am a Benemar and I fought for our people and uphold my laws and our laws say that the STRONG!!! rule. Well the Humans have shown their strength and I saw their might in battle against a foe who outnumbered them many times over and they came away from that battle covered in the blood of their enemies. They are the only race who has ever besieged our world and you judge me as a coward for respecting strength?”

“They are the ENEMY!!! they burned our breeding pens and they must be wiped out. They are gaining too much power, power they are taking from us”

The court cheered and banged their weapons which were a combination of ancient war axes and rifles against their armour.

“Let this cry go out across to the star to all Benemar, the Alliance high command has given us the location oft heir breeding ground, we march…TO WAR!!!!”


The Benemar all over the Alliance suddenly began disappearing from Alliance ships, when asked why they were going back to their home world they simply replied “The High Chief has risen the banner”

Many thought this was the Benemar about to begin an independent push into Gal territory but they did not deny or confirm this and the army on Bento Prime continued to grow, the Humans though did not trust the Benemar and kept their eye on them.


Life in Admiral Polts fleet went on a s usual, or as usual it could be with the Humans around and with the Benemar now gone their was no hostility in the air. The Humans did their best to include the other races in their odd practices such as celebrating the anniversary of ones birth. They even as far to inquire to the other races celebrations and traditions and asked to take part which made the others rather flattered. They ranged from celebrating the unification of the Fookkarl under one banner which the Humans described as one large orgy as there was a lot of kissing but the Humans obliged.

The fun did not stop there.

Depit, an Elong like Admiral Polt was travelling in the ship main elevator to the observatory when it stopped to let a number of other crew off but only person got on. It was a Human, female by the looks of her but her stomach was huge, maybe she had just eaten he thought to himself. The elevator stopped a few more times and before long it was only him and this Human who from her tag her name was Sergeant Cathy. He started to sweat, he saw what was left of the body of the Benemar that she had attacked.

She smiled at him and gave a nervous smile back but nothing was said between them, until the elevator suddenly and harshly stopped.

“Ahhh!” Cathy screamed at the sudden change of momentum.

“Are you okay?” he asked and she nodded. “Must be a power outage” he tired raising maintenance but go response, there was no power to the that call button either. Suddenly Cathy was breathing fast and hard.

“Umm, are you sure you’re okay” he asked again but she shook her head and held her large stomach.

“The baby is coming” she panted.

“Baby? What baby?”

“I’m FUCKING PREGNANT YOU ASSHOLE!!! she screamed and he jumped.

“Oh? OH?!!! CRAP!”

Cathy sat down as her water broke and leaned back.

“What do I do!! HELP!” he shouted into the call button in some hope that someone would hear.

“What…what is your name?” she asked.

“Depit”

“Depit, come here I need you to help me” she said holding out her hand and he slowly came and she grabbed it.

“I don’t know what to do” Depit said.

“Just hold my hand and squeeze when I squeeze!”

“What?”

“AHHHHHHH” Cathy screamed and squeezed Depits hand so hard she broke two of his fingers as he had tried to pull away when he heard the word squeeze.

“WHY YOU PULL AWAY!!!” she shouted at him.

“You’ll break my hand if you squeeze it”

It then dawn on her that Humans were far stronger than Elong, so she pulled off her trousers and tore off a piece so she could bite down on it and screamed again.

“Why are you screaming what’s happening I don’t how to help” Depit said panicking.

“IM HAVING CONTRACTIONS YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!”

“WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!”

“MY BODY IS GETTING READY TO PUSH THE BABY OUT!”

“OF WHERE!!”

“WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!!!”

Another contraction came and she screamed so loud Depit had to cover his ears.

This went on for over and hour till finally Cathy stopped screaming as contractions suddenly stopped.

“Okay…okay” she said to herself with Depit fanning her with his wings.

“How long does this usually go on for?” he asked.

“My mother was in labour for 32 hours with me”

“32 HOURS!”

“Ah don’t shout, I’m lucky the contractions have stopped”

“What happens next?”

Cathy looked at him “Next comes the pushing”

“Elong births are lot…faster than this”

“You’re a bird race, you have it easy” she laughed. Then started panting. “Here it comes! Get between my legs!!”

Depit obeyed and cathy spread herself and Depit froze.

“What do I do?”

“Catch!”

“Catch?”

Cathy burst into laughter “I’m kidding, just guide it out”

Depit got ready and Cathy screamed again, this time louder and so much Depit thoughtt he walls were shaking.

“I can see the egg”

“IT’S NOT AN EGG IT’S A FUCKING HEAD!! WE DON’T LAY FUCKING EGGS!!!”

“WHAT!!! HOW THE…I’M SORRY…BY CREATION WHAT THE…..!” he screamed as the head appeared.

Cathy started breathing again and moved her hand to feel where the baby was “okay, one more” she positioned herself and Depit put his hands by the baby’s head and Cathy pushed with every ounce of her remaining strength and it fell into Depits arms.

After the baby began crying he handed it to Cathy who wrapped it up in her jacket and cradled it.

“It’s a boy” she said.

“No wonder your race is so tough, you endure coming into the world like that and are willingly go through it to bring one of your own into the world”

“And we do it over and over again, I’ll be doing at least two more times I think” she laughed “What did you say your name was again?”

“Depit, my name is Depit”

Cathy smiled and looked down at her son “Do you mind if I call my son Depit?”

Depit’s eyes nearly shot out of his head, for a child to bear ones name is a great honor among his people. “You would do me that honour?”

“Of course, you brought him into the world, well I did most of the work but still”

“Thankyou” he said smiling.

“Oh beware of the after birth”

“The what?” Depit said looking down just as it slumped down in front of him.


In the higher levels and completely unaware of the new addition to their family the Humans were having a friendly game of football with some of the Aliens when Captain Clerk called for a stop. Admiral Polt was with him and everyone could tell by their Captains face that something had happened.

“Men and woman of the 8th Human army” Clerk started “Approximately 16 hours ago the Benemar launched a full scale assault on Terra”

The air became heavy as if every Human and Alien had stopped breathing, no one spoke.

“The battle is still going on and all Human forces are being recalled to aid the defence force fighting there, our latest report says they have breached our outer defence net and are landing their troops. So get your stuff I want us ready to go yesterday!!”

The Humans didn’t say anything and as a single mind dropped what they were doing and ran to their quarters and collected all their belongings and things they brought with them. The cargo hold that they had made their own was dismantled within 10 minutes, every Human was found and accounted for including Cathy and her new son Depit. Hesky was thrilled to see his son but annoyed that she named him something that reminded him of cesspit.

Within 2 hours the Humans were all loaded onto their own ships, they said a quick farewell to their Alien friends and set off for Terra.

The Benemar continued their assault, unaware that word had gotten out about their attack on Terra, unaware of the armada coming for them.

  • *Aelin, Lorcan, and company sitting at a table*
  • Aelin: *kicks Lorcan's leg*
  • Lorcan: *glares at her*
  • Aelin: *continues kicking*
  • Lorcan: *Looks around to see if anyone noticed. Everyone noticed but they're pretending not to*
  • Aelin: *Kicks more*
  • Lorcan: *Under his breath* Cut it out
  • Elide: Did you say something Lorcan?
  • Lorcan: No, no...
  • Aelin: *continues kicking*
  • Lorcan: *Death glare*
  • Elide: Lorcan, what's wrong with you? Why are you brooding more than usual?
  • Aelin: Yeah you seem a little irritated, do you need some coffee?
  • Lorcan: ...no, I'm good
  • Aelin: *waits a bit and kicks him again*
  • Lorcan: *kicks her back and they start to engage in kicking war*
  • Lorcan: *Gets pissed so he kicks her so hard the table shakes*
  • Aelin: *Leaping backwards* OWWW
  • Elide: Aelin, are you okay?
  • Aelin: *pointing* LORCAN KICKED ME!!!
  • Elide: WTF Lorcan why would you do that?
  • Lorcan: But she kicked me first!!! *he realizes that he sounds like a two year old*
  • Aelin: :) :) :)
just another coffee shop AU

So this was part of a not!fic challenge but it ended up as more of a fic than a not!fic, so I’m posting it here. The challenge was to put a trope in my inbox and I’d tell you about the story I’d write. (Honestly, I’m tempted to adapt this and try to do it as orig fic, haha) So enjoy.

It’s harder than you think to get a job in a little podunk town that’s mostly home to fishermen. Dex takes what he can get, and what he can get is a job dishing out lattes and scones at the little pretentious coffee house that vacationing yuppies love to frequent on their way to Maine’s outlet malls. It’s barely a living, but Dex doesn’t need much.

He serves coffee one day to the preppiest of the prep – a luxuriously coiffed writer who tells him that the coffee shop has the perfect atmosphere for inspiration. Dex snorts. This is a guy who wears his stubble purposely rough, to achieve some kind of effect. He probably wears “pre-distressed” clothing (although right now his outfit’s actually really sharp, with this vest over a fuzzy, tight-fitting sweater.)

The writer challenges him. “Come on, you have to have a little poetry in your soul?”

“I sold my soul for a three-dollar latte,” Dex replies.

The man laughs, and goddamn, even his teeth are perfect.

Keep reading

a-crafty-lass  asked:

Ladrien, "Honestly, just stop it"

Marinette snuggled deeper into the covers with a soft contented sigh. Everything felt so wonderfully warm and peaceful and… 

Her eyes shot open as the arm wrapped securely around her waist tightened and a face nuzzled against her neck with a sleepy groan. 

She looked down, her eye immediately locking on to the familiar silver ring on the hand that was lightly caressing her, as well as her own spotted ensemble. 

She was Ladybug. She had fallen asleep transformed. 

Tikki was going to kill her. 

She blinked hard shaking her head from the hazy, sleep induced fog, as the memories came rushing back. 

She had saved Adrien, defeating the fangirl turned akuma with no trouble and putting on a rather heroic display if she did say so herself.  It had only made sense to follow Chat’s example of checking in on victims after the akuma attacks. Never mind what Tikki had pointed out- that A. she had never bothered to emulate her partner in this regard before and B. that Adrien wasn’t actually the Akuma victim in question- it had been an unselfish act of… 

oh who was she kidding? She had shamelessly shown up at his window hoping to flirt with him. 

What was she supposed to do after the way he had looked at her after she had thrown her lucky charm into the air to cleanse the city? He had even reached out to her before nervously pulling his hand back, awkwardly fussing with his hair. 

She had only gotten 3 minutes! Three minutes of the boy of her dreams blushing and thanking her and looking at her like she hung the stars in the sky! How was she supposed to survive on only three minutes? 

So she had waited until her parents had gone to bed and hurried over, just to check on him. MAYBE see if she was daring enough to sneak in a quick kiss on the cheek before she left. 

Of course if she had known how much more daring Adrien was willing to be she wouldn’t have bothered waiting for her parents to fall asleep. She would have dropped everything and raced to his window as fast as she could manage. 

He had invited her in, looking adorably flustered and slightly rumpled in his black sleep pants and honest to God ‘I <3 Ladybug’ Tee shirt, nervously offering her a seat, snacks, a tour of his room. 

It had been so endearingly sweet, so breathtakingly Adrien, that she hadn’t even thought twice before saying with a giddy laugh, “how on earth can you be this cute?” 

He had stared at her for a good 10 seconds, his face as red as her suit, while her own brain processed exactly what had just happened. 

“Oh,” she had gasped in horror, “What I meant was… I didn’t mean… I mean you are but-” 

She hadn’t gotten to finish whatever horrible excuse she had been floundering to come up with because his lips had smashed clumsily against her own. It was awkward and messy and lasted barely a second and oh dear God did she want to do it again. 

“I’m sorry,” he stammered guiltily, “I should have-” 

This time she cut him off, digging her fingers into his hair and dragging his mouth back to her own. 

Marinette’s face warmed at the memories, and she snuggled further back into Adrien’s arms. 

They had kissed for hours. Occasionally taking short breaks to cuddle and pet at each other, exchanging small tidbits of information between heated make out sessions. 

She couldn’t have told you at what point they had managed to get from where they were originally standing in front of the couch to his massive bed. Still she wasn’t complaining. 

Adrien let out another unconscious little moan, rolling over in search of a more comfortable position, his arm releasing her and dropping across his own chest as he lay sprawled on his back. 

Well that wouldn’t do at all. 

She flipped over, her head resting on his shoulder her fingers skimming the tempting bare skin of his abdomen where his shirt had ridden up. 

He flinched slightly with a soft snort. 

Marinette bit back a giggle of almost demonic glee as she lightly dragged her fingers across his stomach. Once again he twitched in agitation, twisting back and forth in rebellion at the sensation. 

He was ticklish. 

She pounced, straddling on top of him and tickling him mercilessly, bursting into peels of giddy laughter as he attempted to escape her clutches through his own choked laughter. 

“Hey no fair, I was sleeping!” He gasped between breathless chuckles. 

“Were you?” She asked innocently as he finally managed to capture her hands and flip her underneath him. 

“Yes, I was having the most lovely dream,” he grinned lowering down to give her a quick kiss, “that a beautiful girl was lying in my bed.” 

“Oh should I be jealous?” She teased, running her toes up the inside of his calf. “Am I just a poor blip on the radar for the big shot model?” 

“Honestly, just stop it,” he said rolling his eyes, cheeks flushing slightly. 

Marinette grinned. He really was ridiculously cute. 

“What time is it anyways,” he murmured, letting go of her wrist and grabbing for his phone on the bedside table. 

She took the opportunity to once again bury her hands into his silky blond hair. Perhaps if she spent enough time ruffling it tonight she wouldn’t be tempted to reach out and start fussing with it during class tomorrow. 

Adrien stared at his phone and then gave her an inquisitive look. “Do you need to get headed home?” 

“Eventually,” she shrugged. “But my parents won’t check on me till around 7:30 so as long as I leave by 7 I should be good.” 

He nodded, programming in an alarm on his phone before flopping back down onto the bed and pulling her securely into his arms. 

“Okay, all set, now go back to sleep.” 

She wriggled in his grasp so that she was facing him. 

“What time is it anyways?” 

“3 am.” 

“So…” she said coyly nuzzling her nose against his chin, “we technically have 4 more hours until I need to leave.” 

“Yep, four more hours of sleep,” he said with a deliberately chaste kiss to her forehead. 

She pouted, slipping her hands under his shirt to slide up his back. She smiled in triumph as she felt him shiver at her attention, despite his valiant attempt to stay still and pretend to be unaffected. 

“Are you sure you want to sleep?” she asked, peppering soft kisses along his jawline. “You know there is this magical thing called coffee that- OOPH!” 

She gave out a startled squeak as  Adrien flipped her around so that he was spooned against her back. 

“No. As incredibly tempting as that may be, you need to get some sleep. Believe me My Lady, I have every intention of kissing you as often as possible, but we all know that unlike Alya, coffee does little to keep you from drifting off in the middle of class.” 

Marinette’s eyes went wide. “What…?” 

“Go to sleep.” 

“But, what do you mean the same… how…?” 

Adrien let of a soft laugh as he held her tightly, placing a soft kiss to her temple. “You talk in your sleep, Marinette.” 


Oh Tikki was definitely going to kill her. 

Honk your horn at me, get your car rammed by a grocery cart

This actually happened an hour ago.

It’s a windy day here and I stopped by the grocery store. Typical day, full of typical people who don’t bother putting the carts back in the corrals. I’m not surprised, it’s windy and people suck, so why would anyone bother to go out of their way to put their grocery cart back?

So I’m driving down the lane looking for a spot, and up ahead this Guy Fieri lookalike removed his groceries from his cart, pushed the cart kind of, sort of in the general direction of the corral, proceeded to his car, and then drove away. Well, considering he wasn’t really parked anywhere near the corral, the cart went astray, until a huge gust of wind changed it’s direction and put it straight on the path into my car.

Luckily, I’m far enough away that I can actually get out of my car and stop it before it crashes straight into me, so I put my car in park and I go to do that.

Just as I start walking towards it, the car behind me started blowing their horn at me. As far as I can tell, she can see what I am doing. I turn around, point to the cart, so she blew her horn again and gave me the finger.

Okay then. There’s an open parking space immediately to my left. I ignore the cart, get back into my car and pull it into the parking space. Car behind me then floors it and drives straight into the grocery cart.

Idiot.

Didn’t even try to hide my smirk as I walked past her assessing the damage.

  • Clay: I kissed Hannah.
  • Tony: Ohmygodohmygod.
  • Jeff: Okay, all right. We want to hear everything. Tony, go get the soda. Clay, does this end well or do we need to get tissues.
  • Clay: Oh, it ends well.
  • Tony: *getting soda* Do not start without me. Do not start without me.
  • Jeff: Okay, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
  • Clay: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
  • Jeff: Okay, so, were you holding her? Or were her hands like on you?
  • Clay: No, actually, first my hands were on her waist, and then they slid up, and then, they were on her shoulders.
  • Tony and Jeff: Ohhhh.
  • [in the next room Hannah and Alex on their phones]
  • Hannah: And, uh, then he kissed me.
  • Alex: Tongue?
  • Hannah: Yeah.
  • Alex: Cool.
#1-126 Prompts for any Character!!

Okay!! So, you can pick any of these prompts for any character you want at any time. Thanks!!!!


1. “This isn’t gonna end well!”

2. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

3. “Are you kidding me? We’re not ‘fine’!

4. “You’ve only heard his side of the story. You never asked for mine.”

5. “Well, this is where I live.”

6. “Oh my God! You’re in love with him/her!”

7. “You make me feel like I’m not good enough.”

8. “For some reason I’m attracted to you.”

9. “I am not losing you again.”

10. “Why don’t they just kiss already?”

11. “I think I picked up your coffee by mistake.”

12. “All I wanted was your honesty.”

13. “Why do you keep pushing me away?”

14. “I can’t explain right now, but I need you to trust me.”

15. “I’ve never felt this way before….and it scares the shit out of me.”
16. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

17. “Are you really taking his side against me?”

18. “Wait a second are you jealous?”

19. “I wish I could hate you.”

20. “I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I’m going to marry her/him.”

21. “You know, it hurt when I realized that you’re not in love with me. But nothing can compare to the pain I felt when I saw you fall in love with her.”

22. “Come over here and make me.”

23. “This is by far the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of course I’m in.”

24. “You’re the only one I trust to do this.”

25. “I thought you were dead.”

26. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about what’s best for all of us.”

27. “I love you, you asshole.”

28. “You did this for me?”

29. “You can’t protect me.”

30. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice.”

31. “Promise me you’ll look after your mom.”

32. “I’m so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.”

33. “Stop talking about the past, I could be dead in a matter of hours… make me up a future.”

34. “The way you flirt is shameful.”

35. “I waited and waited, but you never came back.”

36. “You never told me you had a fucking twin.”

37. “I want to go back to before….”

38. “I just wanted an easy day with my girlfriend/boyfriend. What’s so wrong with that?”

39. “Go then, leave! See if I care!”

40. “Why are you up so early?”

41. “Please, take me instead!”

42. “You braided his hair?”

43. “She’s been missing since Friday and you’re not worried?”

44. “Have you lost your damn mind?!”

45. “Please don’t argue. You have to leave right now, you aren’t safe here.”

46. “I’m your daughter.”

47. “I’m not surprised that you murdered him.”

48. “Is there a special reason, as to why you’re wearing my shirt?”

49. “Am I supposed to be scared of you?”

50. “Don’t use me as an example. I wasn’t a good kid.”

51. “Is that what you’re doing? Trying to make me to hate you?”

52. “I’ve been in love with you my entire life.”

53. “I’m not happy here.”

54. “If he’s going to treat you like shit I’m going to kick his ass.”

55. “I just want to cuddle and watch Friends.”

56. “You’re hiding something from me.”

57. “If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”

58. “I want my best friend back.”

59. “You better have a good reason for waking me up at the ass-crack of dawn.”

60. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

61. “A wedding?”

62. “I just want to be alone right now.”

63. “Don’t you dare to ever do that again!”

64. “Where would someone hide in a town like this?”

65. “If I ever see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me!”

66. “I thought you were a dream come true.”

67. “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

68. “I came here to explain what happened, and I’m not leaving until you listen.”

69. “I made a mistake.”

70. “H-How long have you been standing there?”

71. “You can’t break my heart like this!”

72. “I wasn’t going to wait around for you forever.”

73. “The skirt is supposed to be this short.”

74. “I’ve moved on.”

75. “This is why you don’t ever have any shirts to wear.”

76. “Run, and don’t ever look back.”

77. “The three seconds rule doesn’t apply to sticky foods.”

78. “I think I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified.”

79. “Please, don’t give up on me.”

80. “When are you going to realize that I don’t care?”

81. “I may be an idiot but I’m your idiot.”

82. “When you love someone, you just don’t stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Specially then!”

83. “Fuck…I feel I’ve been hit by a car.”

84. “Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?”

85. “I know that you have reached a decision, but given that it is a stupid ass decision I have elected to ignore it”

86. “I’m tired of being your secret.”

87. “They always make shower sex sound so appealing, but honestly it seems quite dangerous.”

88. “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”

89. “Let me tell you exactly where in hell you can go.”

90.“Who gave you that black eye?!”

91. “After everything you did, you’re asking ME to apologize for snapping at you ONCE?”

92. “I miss her so damn much, and it’s killing me that she’s gone!”

93. “What the hell are you doing here?! I told you I never wanted to see you again!”

94. “It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”

95. “Are you drunk?”

96. “I’m sorry, what were you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”
97. “You got her pregnant?! What were you thinking?”

98. “It’s okay baby, I’m here for you.”

99. “You say the nastiest things when you’re angry, so yes, I’m walking away from you now.

100. “I’m starting an idiot jar. Any time you do or say anything idiotic, you have to put at least a dollar in it—more depending on how stupid the thing that you said or did was.”

101. “My parents asked about you.”

102.“Oh, gosh, you’ve insulted me! What ever shall I do? I’ll be mentally and emotionally scared for years!”

103. “You haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on?”

104. “Do you need me to get anything from the store?”

105. “They say I’m in here because I’m crazy, I think I’m crazy because I’m in here.”

106. “There’s no getting out of this. You ruined me”

107. “If you don’t want to talk about what happened, then say so. Don’t just lie and say it’s fine.”

108. “I was going to kiss him, but then my friend texted me about going to Taco Bell, and, well, there’s this cashier that works there who is way cuter, so I bailed on the rest of the date.”

109. “Don’t say you love me.”

110. “It’s a hobby of mine to prove you wrong.”

111. Meeting him/her for the first time

112. Him/her asking you out

113. Your first date

114. Your first kiss

115. Cuddling with him/her

116. Neck kisses

117. “I swear I didn’t mean to touch your butt.”

118. “Why are you wearing my shirt? Please, don’t take it off. It looks good on you.”

119. Going on a vacation together

120. Going to an amusement park together

121. Dancing together

122.Him/her rescuing you (if the person you want can do that ex. superhero)
123. Your first time

124. And what did we learn from that?” “Not to mess with you.”

125.Comforting him/her after a nightmare

126. The wedding day

3

For @isamaegreenleaf…reader is a Stark as requested. Enjoy!

Y/N crept quietly around the tower. From what she could tell, the invasion her father had been warning her about was happening right now. She had recognized Dr. Selvig, but he seemed off somehow. He hadn’t even seen her. She honestly had no idea what was going on. The only thing she knew was that her dad wanted her out of sight of the fight.

“I could totally help,” she mumbled to herself.
“Mr. Stark wants me to tell you he can hear you,” JARVIS spoke to her from her watch.
She rolled her eyes. “Well dad, I totally could.”

Y/N craned her neck around the corner. Seeing no one else around, she straightened her posture. She ruffled her hair and walked over to the bar. She reached over the counter for a bottle. As she opened it, Y/N took off her watch.

“Well, this is a surprise.”

Y/N spun around to see Loki. The only reason she had known it was him was because of the video she had seen of Steve fighting him in Germany. She hadn’t expected him to look all too different from that footage. She swallowed, forcing a smile.

“I could say the same thing about you,” she stated, “You’re in my home, after all.”
You live here?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow, “Does my brother have a friend he forgot to mention?”
“Do you think your brother stupid enough to say everything?” she countered.

Loki smiled. He slowly made his way closer to Y/N. For some odd and frustrating reason, Y/N didn’t move a single muscle. She didn’t even step back into the bar. There was something about his eyes that held her interest. She just couldn’t pinpoint it.

“My brother is many things,” he whispered, “yours, however, he is not.”
She arched a brow. “Oh? And what makes you so sure?”
The man smirked, reaching his hand toward her. “He isn’t here, is he?”

Just before he was going to run his fingers through her hair, he stopped. Keeping his gaze, he lowered his hand without it ever having made contact with her. Part of her almost felt a loss without his touch. Y/N could hardly think, and it was driving her crazy.

“Tell me,” he continued to coo, “What is your name?”
“Y-Y/N,” she muttered.
He gave her a genuine smile. “Quite a lovely name.”

Y/N remained silent. She gulped again as she knit her brows. If she wasn’t mistaken, it appeared he was moving closer to her. He seemed to be slowly entering her space…and she was letting him.

A large explosion from outside managed to bring her back to the present circumstance. It had pulled her so much so that she actually looked out of the large windows. Instinctively, however, her gaze returned to seeking Loki’s.

He was gone.

Just as timely, her father slowed to a stop inside the tower. His face conveyed his worry. He hurried over to her.

“Are you okay? What did he do?” Tony rambled, “Where is he? Are you okay?”
Y/N started to nod. “Dad, I’m fine. Do I look hurt?”
Tony scanned his daughter. “No…He didn’t touch you with his scepter did he?”
She knit her brows. “No. He didn’t touch me at all. How’d you know he was here?”
“JARVIS sent the silent stress signal,” he paused, “Come on. I’m getting you out of here.”

Y/N didn’t bother to resist. She knew she wouldn’t be of much help now anyway. There was something about Loki that caused her senses to overload. She tried to focus as her dad led her to a safer place.

Perma-tags: @dontbeamenacetotheforce @ttelesilla @jumperswellies @caitsymichelle13
Marvel tag: @ladysigyn221

Request Here : Submit Here

TalesFromRetail: "I'm just in a bad mood today"

I’ll be me and AL will be Angry Lady

I work in a pet store as a part time cashier, AL walks in

Me: “Hi! how are you?”

AL: “Hi do you have pet stairs for beds?”

Me: “Yes we do but they may not be high enough for some beds”

AL starts yelling for no reason

AL: “WHAT? THAT’S RIDICULOUS I CALLED AHEAD AND YOU GUYS SAID YOU HAD IT OM THE PHONE I CALLED AHEAD I EXPECT YOU TO HAVE IT IF I CALLED AHEAD”

wow okay then? thankfully my manager was right there and offered to help her

when AL gets to the register she cuts in front of an 80 year old lady and says “sorry actually I’m next in line”

right on lady..

Me: “Do you have a <rewards card>?”

at our store customers have the option to type in their phone number to lookup their rewards card, she does this but gets halfway through her phone number (literally hitting buttons) and says

AL: “Forget it! I don’t have time to punch in a stupid phone number”

aaallriiiggghhhtttt??? hahahaha you can’t finish typing in a number? whatever then

Me: “k, your total’s going to be (high number)”

this is the best part for me.

AL literally slams her money on the counter one bill at a time. pulls out a 20, THUD, pulls another, THUD, etc etc. like some sort of tantrumming baboon child.

I give her her change and receipt and she’s gone. lol.

later asked my manager like, wtf? apparently the lady told her she was in a bad mood today while she was helping her

cool? don’t take it out on random people you infant.

By: Aqec

Today I’ve just been thinking about boxer!Chloe and it’s ruining me omg.

Like imagine if she finally goes to see a therapist or just talks to someone about her anger and attitude and they’re like “Maybe you could let out your anger through a sport or something.” and at first she’s like wtf I aint getting my hair messed up. But then goes to a boxing class one day just because her father kept suggesting it and she felt bad saying no. And so she goes and thinks she’s all that but then the teacher is like “Oh, okay if you’re better than this then try to take me down.” and she takes the challenge cuz she’s Chloe and gets taken down and the teacher/coach(?) is like “See class, you have to do this and blah blah.” And Chloe starts going everyday to get better and better so she can defeat the guy and just starts liking it a lot. She starts doing matches with people and gets stronger and stronger and is just much more calm at school with everyone and more mellow. And she even picks up Adrien sometimes to show him her strength and he’s like hella impressed and she always gives him piggyback rides when she sees that he’s sleepy or stressed. And like she isn’t afraid to get sweaty anymore and sometimes she’ll have these badass looking bruises or something on her arms and takes pride in them cuz she won those matches and arm wrestle Kim and Alix all the time and they become friends. And just pls. I just really love boxer!Chloe  

Anastasia  {Sentence Starters}

  • “It’s a perfect ending.”
  • “Men are such babies.”
  • “We’re going to a party!”
  • “How will we get through this?”
  • “Don’t turn back now that we’re here.”
  • “Years of dreams just can’t be wrong!”
  • “And to think, that could have been you.”
  • “Say your prayers! No one can save you!”
  • “Stop it! From the very beginning, you lied!”
  • “Will you please remove him from my sight?”
  • “That, uh, that dress looks really good on you.”
  • “And the nightmare I had was as bad as can be.”
  • “If we live through this, remind me to thank you.”
  • “Change of mind? It was more a change of heart.”
  • “It’s just that you look an awful lot like… never mind.”
  • “Then I opened my eyes and the nightmare was me.”
  • “Please don’t talk anymore. It’s only going to upset me.”
  • “Thank goodness for the gossip that gets us through the day!”
  • “Things my heart used to know, things it yearns to remember…”
  • “Do you really think I’m royalty? Then stop bossing me around!”
  • “You’re a very good actress, best yet in fact. But I’ve had enough.”
  • “I’d give her a HA! And a HI-YA! And then a OOH-WAH! And I’d kick her.”
  • “Oh, sorry!! I thought you were someone el - oh, it’s you. Well, that’s okay, then.”
  • “What? Hey - why are you circling me? What, were you a vulture in another life?”
  • “Ooh, I could teach you the latest dance step. It starts with, like, a ‘whoa’. And then you get really crazy with the hips!”