Stay Alive For Me (Lin-Manuel Miranda x Reader) Part 12
Pairing: Lin-Manuel Miranda x Teenaged!Reader
Prompt: Lin finds a teenage girl unconscious at his doorstep and decides to nurse her back to health. As her stay is extended, Lin finds himself attached to the troubled teen that captured his heart.
Warnings: Dad Lin, Depression, Self-Hatred, Angst, Arguing. Mentions of Cutting and Starving
Lin enrolled you into a K-12 online school immediately after the incident with the bullies. Thanks to Burmese and Grace recording the abuse, Michelle and her helpers were suspended and Lin insisted you charged them with assault when you didn’t think it was needed. After it was taken into the police’s hands, you tried to go back to your normal life.
Or, what you thought was normal.
Since you were young, you’ve been struggling with depression and self-loathing because of your upbringing. You’ve never been properly treated for your depression so when you had rock bottom episodes, they’d hit you hard. You’d cut, you’d starve, you wouldn’t even get out of bed. You just couldn’t bother with taking care of yourself. It wouldn’t go away for days but you had to deal with it since you didn’t want to face your father’s wrath. So, you’d force yourself out of bed and trudge on since you didn’t have anything keeping you in place.
Today was no different.
The first week, since you were taken out of the public school system, was hard. It was the normal cycle: Lin would wake you up, eat breakfast with you, and if he could, Lin would take you to the Richard Rodgers Theater so you weren’t cooped up in the apartment all day. When he couldn’t take you with him, which wasn’t often, you’d just lay in bed, not eating or drinking anything. You just couldn’t be bothered to move. Your world was cracking and breaking all around you.
The Hamilton cast was worried about you just like Lin was. Whenever someone tries to hug or just be friendly with you, you’d flinch and it would worry everyone to no end. You’d just stay at Lin’s side for as much as you could. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust the cast, you just felt uncomfortable and you were a very antisocial person.
Besides Lin, you saw most of the cast as your family. Renée, Phillipa, and Jasmine were your sisters, Daveed, Anthony, Leslie, Oak, Jon, and Groff were your brothers, and Lac, Chris, and Kail were your uncles. They treated you as part of the family, always checking up on you and asking how you’re feeling. You actually stayed the night at Daveed’s place a couple of times. You also spent the night at Phillipa’s apartment too. The Schuyler Sisters (as you lovingly call Renée, Phillipa, and Jasmine) would ‘babysit’ you whenever Lin has to do something that makes him stay out late at night. It would usually be Phillipa and Jasmine who would spend the night with you until Lin got home.
Lin would also show you off on Twitter. He’d take a lot of selfies with you and tweet about how much he adores you and how excited he was to officially be your dad. His followers seem to like you too, but there were a few who didn’t really like you and would assault your Twitter and Instagram accounts with hate and insults, which pushed you further into darkness. Lin would assure you that those commenters were just joking and didn’t really wanted you dead. He must know how fragile your mental state was.
You wanted to believe him.
But it was too late for you.
It was a sunny day. You have been fake-sleeping for a few hours and was still pretending to be sleeping when Lin came to wake you up.
“I’m awake,” you said flatly just as you felt Lin touch your arm. You opened your eyes, staring blankly at the ceiling. “I didn’t sleep last night.”
Lin furrowed his brows in concern. “Are you okay?” He asked in his concern dad voice.
You sat up, shrugging your shoulders. “I just can’t relax. My mind won’t go into sleep mode, you know what I mean?” You twirled some hair around your fingers.
Lin frowned but nodded. “I can understand that. Well, we’re having a special guest so I need you to get dress. Nothing formal. Just don’t lounge around in your pajamas, please.” And with that, he left the room.
You nodded before getting out of bed. You were still sleeping in the trundle bed in Lin’s room since Lin hasn’t gotten around to cleaning out the spare room. You offered to do it but he brushed you off, telling you to focus on your classes that you didn’t have anymore. You just wished he’d give you something to do besides your online classes and taking your medication.
You took a cold shower and changed into your black pullover hoodie with the gold Hamilton logo on the chest, basketball shorts, and fuzzy socks. Lin got the hoodie for you from the Hamilton merchandise store across the street from the Richard Rogers. It was a ‘welcome-to-the-Hamilton-family’ gift, along with an ‘A.Ham’ snapback and a ‘Hamilton 2016’ crewneck fleece sweater. They were nice little gifts to act as part of a warm welcome into the limelight since you’re going to be in the spotlight because your new dad was a famous playwright.
You had just finished blow drying your unbrushed hair (which was now very fluffy and curly) when you heard the doorbell ring. You put the blow dryer back in the drawer and left the bathroom, walking into the living room while staring at the ground.
“(YN)!” You heard Lin call from the front hall. “Can you come here please?”
You let out a soft groan as you trudged into the front hall, stopping a few inches away from Lin. You looked up and saw a woman, about early-thirties, standing in the doorway, holding a baby carrier. You couldn’t see if there was a baby or not in the carrier since Lin was blocking your view.
“(Y/N), I’d like you to meet Vanessa, my ex-wife.” Lin introduced the woman with an uneasy smile.
You forced a polite smile on your face as you accepted Vanessa’s extended hand and shook it. Vanessa handed the baby carrier to Lin before murmuring something in his ear and then leaving. Lin closed the door and took the carrier into the living room, setting it on the coffee table and sitting on the couch, his wonder-filled eyes smiling on the inside of the carrier. As you slowly made your way to Lin’s side, you could hear baby noises coming from the carrier. You slowly sat down and peered into the carrier. You saw a baby with fluffy brown hair. He had Lin’s eyes and couldn’t be older than one or two. He was actually pretty adorable, too.
Lin turned and saw how you looked at his son with wonder. His smile grew brighter.
“This is Sebastian, your baby brother.” Lin introduced you to the baby. “He turns one in November. Would you like to hold him?”
You froze up, sitting back. “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea.” You stammered.
“It’ll be fine,” Lin said, taking Sebastian out of his carrier and holding him on his lap. “And I’ll be right here if you don’t want to hold him anymore.”
You were about to protest when Lin placed Sebastian in your lap. He took your wrists and guided your arms to wrap around the almost-one-year-old in an attempt at a hug. When Lin let go of your arms, you didn’t move them. Sebastian looked up at you with curious brown eyes and you felt your empty heart burst. He was just so cute. So innocent.
He was like Laurie.
You froze up at that thought. The memories of your sister’s suicide flashed in your mind in a feverish frenzy that you almost dropped Sebastian. You felt your heart start beating rapidly as your breath was hitched in your throat.
She stepped into traffic.
Her little body flying across the road.
Her beautiful blue eyes.
Her blank stare.
Dull. Empty. Hollow.
“(Y/N)?” Lin asked in concern. “Are you okay?”
You didn’t answer immediately. You watched Sebastian with a blank stare. He looked around the room with curiosity. He then looked up at you, staring into your eyes as if he knew what you were going through and if he understood how you felt. You felt captivated by this child’s stare that you couldn’t move or look away. Sebastian reached his small arms up at you. You held him by his torso and pulled him up so he was standing on his feet. His feet were planted on both of your thighs as he leaned forward and placed his little hands on both of your cheeks, squishing them.
“Sis.” He said in his soft squeaky voice.
That was when you broke down.
You let out a cry as if you were stabbed. You hugged Sebastian, not too tight though, and cried into his little shoulder. All of your self-hatred, all your depression, your sadness, your anger, your loneliness, your fears, your confusion, your pain, you sobbed it all out in painful wails, soaking Sebastian’s shirt with your pathetic salty tears. After a few moments, you pulled away, making Sebastian sit down on your lap as you hugged him, his head resting on your chest and your head resting sideways on top of his. Lin had a face of concern and confusion. Why were you crying? Were you happy to meet Sebastian? Or was there something you weren’t telling him?
“(Y/N)?” Lin spoke your name with concern. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
You looked at him with teary eyes. You wiped away the stray tears before setting Sebastian back in his father’s lap. You let your hands fall into your lap, rubbing your palms over and over in habit. You didn’t look at Lin for a long time. You didn’t want to bother him with your problems. But… He wanted to help… You’re just a waste of his time. He saved you from your dad! He’s going to throw you out for sure.
You couldn’t think straight.
“(Y/N)?” Lin spoke again. “Hija, you know can tell me anything! You know I’m here for you, right?”
“But you’re always working.” You said flatly. “You’re not home during the days. And when you take me to the theater, I can’t have heart-to-hearts with you since everyone’s taking up your time. I feel like I can’t go to you when I need you.”
Lin frowned and placed Sebastian on the couch in between you. “(Y/N), what’s been bothering you? Have you been taking your medication?”
You scoffed, rolling your eyes. “So now you care? So now I’m more important than your stupid musical?”
Lin was taken aback from your smart remark. “Where did this all come from? You have been taking your meds, right?”
You crossed your arms across your chest and looked away from Lin. “Maybe.” You muttered.
“(Y/N)… Tell me the truth.”
You sighed. “I’ve been taking my meds. Don’t worry about it.”
“Why do I think you’re lying to me?”
You didn’t answer him.
Don’t talk to him.
He doesn’t care.
“For fuck’s sake, (Y/N)! Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
“Leave me alone.” You retorted, standing up and turning to walk away. “I’m done talking to you.”
Just as you tried walking away, Lin grabbed your wrist tightly. You felt a sharp pain in your wrist. You were sure one of your cutting scars reopened itself because of Lin’s force. You could feel the blood seeping out of the broken skin.
“Let me go!” You cried, tugging at your arm.
“(Y/N), why can’t you talk to me?” Lin cried in frustration. “I thought we were friends.”
“We are friends, Lin…”
“Then talk to me, goddamnit! What’s wrong? I promise I won’t be mad. I just want to help you…”
“You wouldn’t understand…”
“Try me! I want to understand. I’m trying to understand! Please, talk to me!”
“Why are you running away from me? What are you so afraid-”
That was when Lin felt the blood in between his fingers. He looked down and saw blood dripping from your wrist and onto the wooden floor. Lin felt sick to his stomach as he slowly rolled your hoodie sleeve up with his other hand, revealing multiple cuts and fresh scars. Most overlapped and others were still red. The two closest to your palm were the ones bleeding. Lin must have opened them when he grabbed your wrist. He was in shock and couldn’t move. Was this what you were afraid of?
“(Y/N)…” Lin murmured as you pulled your arm away, tears streaming down your face.
“Are you happy now?” You whispered. “Now you know. I hate myself so much that I’m destroying myself. I haven’t taken any of my meds in the past two weeks.” You rolled up your hoodie, revealing your hollow stomach and clearly visible ribcage and hip bones. You were basically a walking skeleton. “I haven’t been eating either.” You added. “Whatever I did eat, I’d throw it back up.”
Lin felt tears in his eyes. You were destroying yourself. You told him weeks earlier that you wanted to get better but here you were, slowly killing yourself, right before his eyes. He felt useless. He couldn’t help you since you wouldn’t allow him to. He wanted you to stay alive. He’s grown too attached to you to let you die.
“Why are you killing yourself?” Lin whispered, tears falling from his eyes. “Do you hate the world that much? Did your father take away your love for yourself so all it is left is hate and sadness? Are you so unhappy that there’s no other choice but to die?”
You felt your hard exterior slowly melt away. You felt… terrible. You didn’t think about what your self-destruction was going to do to Lin. You didn’t think about him. You were a selfish stupid bitch and didn’t think about the man who saved you from certain death and was going to give you a fresh start. Lin promised to look after and care for you. He was going to be the caring and loving dad you never had. He gave you a family. The cast of Hamilton and Sebastian were your family. Ally, Tayah, Grace, and Burmese were your family. You had a loving and caring family. Why were you going to throw that all away?
“I’m sorry…” You whimpered, tears falling down your face. “I’m so sorry, Lin. I’m such a selfish little bitch.”
Lin pulled you to his chest, hugging you tightly. “No… No, you’re not. It’s okay… It’ll get better. I promise, (Y/N). I swear it will get better. And I’ll be here every step of the way. I promise.”
You felt a tugging at your leg and looked down. Sebastian was standing there, hugging your leg while looking up at you with those beautiful brown eyes. You chuckled.
“Come here, honey.” You whispered as you picked him up and hugged him.
Lin hugged you both, completing the group hug. You felt safe and happy, whatever happy was. You didn’t know what it was but you will soon. As long as you have your family and love with you. You were going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.
At least, you hoped it will.
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