dm'90

Bernie Sanders: "No, I Will Not Yield!" (6/4/1992)

Rep. Sanders starts out by commending Rep. Maxine Waters and Rep. Ronald Dellums for their amendment, which was added to the defense bill that would:

(1) repeal the Missile Defense Act of 1991; (2) terminate the Strategic Defense Initiative Organization within the Defense Department and reassign its functions to other military departments and functions; and (3) limit Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI) activities to basic research and fund basic research at $1.2 billion in fiscal year 1993.

Then Sanders goes all in about why this amendment is necessary. 

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Good luck, Bernie! I believe he’s the only reasonable candidate for President this year.

Code 66

So a bit of background; A few years back my friend decided to run a Star Wars D20 game (I think it was his first time DMing). Now My friend is the biggest Goofball anyone will meet, but he comes up with the most brilliant jokes one the spot. Anyways I was playing a  solider/splicer multiclass and found myself captured by my soon to be partners in crime. They where going through and hacking my R2 unit and asked me what I will do. This was the following:

Me: “Code 66! Code 66! Delete all porn!”

DM: (R2) “Beep boop deleting all porn *Wookie noises*.”

Whole table breaks down.

Me: OOC “God damn it (redacted).”

And thus my character from here on out would be known for owning wookie porn. He still jokes about it till this day. 

"What are you doing? You crazy half pint!"

Context: party consists of a halfling necromancer who uses magic to fuck with the party, a dwarven paladin who seems to hit other party members more than monsters, a half gnome fighter (approx the size of a garden gnome) with massive anger management issues, and me, a pure neutral wood elf ranger who’s sick of everyone’s shit since about 300 years ago. We are trapped in a crypt with a sarcophagus that no one can open.

Paladin: I’ll break it open!

Necromancer: are your hands on fire?

DM: here we go, roll for perception…

Paladin: (fails) oh god oh god oh god

Fighter: I know! Ranger tie me to an explosive arrow!

Ranger (me) why? What are you doing, half-pint?

(After a small amount of argument I tie the gnome to an arrow)

Ranger: now what?

Fighter: shoot me at the FUCKING BOX!

DM: you may as well, fighter roll for damage

Fighter rolls a 1 : fuck…

DM rolls for damage dealt by sarcophagus, rolls 20,

DM: you fly through the air, miss the sarcophagus, and literally explode on the opposite wall… I hope your happy.

Apparently science doens't apply in our Map

Monk: I don’t want to play today

DM: Why?

Monk: Last time, Bekah (human), ran down the mountain faster than humanly possible

DM: Are you kidding me?

Monk: No

DM: Fine, she hasn’t run down the hill and this time I’ll make it take longer, happy princess?

Monk: That’s Queen to you, Queen Duchess to be in fact

DM: Ok… So what do you do

Monk: I’m going to go to sleep to skip my turn *sighs angrily*

DM: Our Barbarian threw a stone across the map and obliterated a castle in seconds, but you’re going to get upset about the speed that Bekah was running!

Monk: While I’m asleep can I dream that I’m a princess?

DM: *sigh* You’re wearing a hot pink dress with lots of frills

Monk: YES! Ha, you can’t stop me from wearing a dress now!