Why you shouldn't name your enemies
(Way back in the old days of the first battle of our campaign…)
DM: (to the Sword-cerer) A spear flops harmlessly over your shoulder. The goblin who threw it looks terrified.
Sword-cerer OOC: I’m gonna pick up the spear, set it on fire, shape the fire into a fireball and throw it at the goblin, looming over him in the most creepy way I can. *rolls an 18*
DM: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT’S YOU ALIGNMENT AGAIN
Sword-cerer OOC: Chaotic Neutral.
DM: Ok nvm you can do that. The goblin turns to ash, screaming.
Cleric OOC: I’m naming the goblin Steve
Rogue OOC: RIP Steve, his remains will be spread via catapult, as is customary in the Clusterfuck clan.
Cleric OOC: Ok I’m next right? I’m gonna attack the goblin who just attacked me. *rolls just enough to leave the goblin at 1HP*
DM: The goblin has a gaping chest wound, but hangs on.
Cleric OOC: OK THAT ONE IS UNDYNE
DM: Do you wanna fight a fucking Undyne the Undying goblin
Cleric OOC: HELL YEAH
Sword-cerer OOC: And [Cleric]?
Cleric OOC: Yeah?
Sword-cerer OOC: Don’t try to fuck the Undyne goblin
Cleric OOC: (who formerly had a crush on the actual Undyne) fuck you
DM: Okay but if you die it’s non-canon. The goblin’s left eye begins to glow, as does their spear, and they say “You’re gonna have to try a little harder than THAT.” in goblinish.
Rogue OOC: I ignore the bad acid trip happening a few feet away from me and stab the goblin that just attacked me. *rolls a nat 20*
DM: Yeah that goblin is very dead. As for the undying goblin, it slashes its spear at the Cleric and Sword-cerer, and you both feel green, but not in a sick way. You can’t move, but you both have a magical shields that you did not create. A rain of spears flies at each of you from all directions. Roll a strength, focus, or intelligence saving throw.
Sword-cerer OOC: I YELL DBZ STYLE AND WAVE MY SHIELD AROUND *nat 1*
(there’s a feeling of “oh shit” so strong, it can be felt through the computer screen)
Sword-cerer OOC: WAIT! I HAVE LUCKY AS A RACIAL BONUS! I CAN REROLL THIS!
(Once again, you can feel the anticipation through the computer screen)
DM: Only three of the spears hit you. They’re surprisingly tiny, even by your half-halfling standards. They do… *rolls three dice* 6 damage total, counting the halved damage from your nat 20.
Cleric OOC: *rolls a 15 total on the saving throw, gets left with 2hp*
Sword-cerer OOC: Still yelling, I’m going to set my sword on fire and stab the undying goblin. *another nat 20, rolls one below the maximum on damage*
DM: Okay wow, you stab its chest wound, which has not healed at all, and is now on fire. I expected this to be a non-canon TPK that we would just rewind and laugh about, but the undying goblin is already mostly dead.
Cleric OOC: I’m going to try to smash its ribcage! *rolls an 18 total*
DM: It doesn’t have a ribcage anymore, but you still do a fair amount of damage.
Cleric & Sword-cerer OOC: *expectant :3 spam*
Rogue OOC: I’m going to try resisting the bad acid trip that’s happening to my left. *rolls a 3*
DM: The bad acid trip beckons you, you need to take part in it.
Rogue OOC: …I leap at the undying goblin and stab it. *rolls just enough to kill it*
DM: The undying goblin begins to melt, and says “This world will live on…!” in goblinish before dying. I honestly did not expect this.