dm 18

Suzan the Battle Pig

So, I’m in a campaign where everyone starts as level 0 commoners and we all flail around trying not to die horribly for as long as possible. Somehow, amidst all this carnage, an unexpected hero joined us.

DM: you are ambushed by three angry Gnolls. What do you do?

Dwarf herder (me): *looks through inventory* wait…I have a sow?

DM: Yep. You’re a herder.

Herder: Imma try and get her to attack the Gnolls.
*rolls a d20 and gets an 18*

DM: ok, she attacks. Roll a d4 for damage.

Herder: *rolls 4*

DM:….your pig kills the Gnoll.

Herder: I’m naming this sow Suzan the Battle Pig. Good job, Suzan!

~~~~later~~~~

Herder: *dies by another angry Gnoll*

Me: wait, can Suzan still fight?

DM: roll persuasion to see if your other character can convince her to help.

Me: *rolls nat20*

DM: Suzan is filled with rage and discovers an insatiable hunger for Gnoll flesh. She now attacks with a d6.

Suzan: *kills the remaining Gnoll boss and Gnoll magician*

Me: Suzan is gonna eat the Gnolls

DM:…ok, she eats the big one and gains 5XP and one point of luck. She’s too full to eat the other one.

Me: Suzan carries the magic Gnoll with her.

~~~~one short rest later~~~~

Me: can Suzan eat her Gnoll now?

DM:….oh right, you did say you carried that. Sure.
As Suzan eats the magic Gnoll, she feels a rush of magical energy in her mind. Her brain is rebuilt by this magic so that she has….
*rolls d20 and gets a 15*
Oh, for fu–Suzan has 15 intelligence now and the ability to cast spells. Congratulations.

Very Observant

*my character, a flamboyant thief dressed in neon colors, is trying to sneak past a guard to join up with the rest of the party*
Me: Alright, I roll tk see if I can sneak past him.
Me: *nat 20*
The Guard: *nat 1*
The DM: You don’t eveb try to sneak past him. You just stroll right down the hall and the guard tips his hat and tells you to have a good day.
Me: Can I roll to say thanks?
The DM: Sure.
Me: *18*
The DM: The guard is in awe of you. It is literally the most beautiful and heartfelt thanks he has ever gotten in his life. If you asked him too, he would die for you in a heartbeat.

Godly Threesome

DMing a home brew game that I’ve set in Egypt, where my party will have random encounters with Egyptian gods disguised as humans in need of favors. Party is currently in a bar and one player (Water Nymph Mage - who has proclaimed her character is an athiest) takes notice of two rather attractive NPCs.

Mage: I walk over to (NPC name) and (NPC name) and start flirting with them.

DM: Roll seduction.

Mage crits.

DM: Both are immediately enthralled by you and offer to let you share their room with them for the night.

Mage: *laughing* I accept.

DM: I’m leaving the nights…activities, to your fucked up perverted imagination. Anyway, the next morning arises and you wake to find both are gone, and you have a nasty headache. Upon entering the bathroom to search for painkillers, you notice two things. One, you are still shirtless, and two, because you are still shirtless you can see two, very distinctly different, tattoos now inked onto either side of your hips.

Mage: *confused* What happened-

DM: Role a history check.

*rolls 18*

DM: You quickly realize that these new tattoos are in fact, the religious runes that represent the gods Anubis and Set, respectively. Congratulations, you just had a Threesome with Gods.

Mage (OOC): Can I change my religion?

You know what would make DnD just a smidge more interesting? If there was an “impulsive” or a “dignity” stat assigned to every character.

It wouldn’t do much during fights, where each round is choreographed in 6 second intervals and leave no real room for impulse, but in non-combat/social situations, it would be hilarious.

The characters all have a stat 1-10, 1 being ‘No Filter’ and 10 being ‘I Would Never.’ At any time, the DM can interject “make an Impulse Save,” and players would have to roll a D20 and add your stat to it–and I’m fudging with numbers here, but: anything above a 20 is a Save where nothing happens. Anything between 20 and 10, your DM says “You’re tempted to… x.” Anything below a 10 is an automatic fail.

DM: You walk into the fancy party. There are dignitaries, a giant Throne at the center, and a buffet to the side. And, heck with it. Everyone make an Impulse Save.
1: I got a 27.
DM: You’re free to mingle.
2: I got an 18?
DM: You’re tempted to try to sit on the throne. You start wandering that direction.
3: …I rolled a Nat 1.
DM: You run over and stick your head in the chocolate fountain.

Characters can have a set number of rerolls to keep things from spiraling out of their control. They can also change the DM’s assessment if they feel it’s out of character; if #3 above was a thief, it might be more likely they’d klepto the first shiny thing they saw rather than become suddenly obsessed with the buffet. Players can also override the DM by the 3-second rule: if you can shout a setting-appropriate impulsive action before the DM does, that becomes your new action. Sometimes this is in the Player’s benefit. Sometimes this is the Player shooting themselves in the foot.

DM: You’re talking to a pretty Elf. She smiles at you.
1: My Character reciprocates.
DM: Oh, good. Roll an impulse check, then.
1: …oh no. uh. okay, oh no–
DM: Wha’d you get
1: I GOT A 4
DM: Alright, so you lean in and–
1: I DROP MY TROUSERS
DM: –Okay, I was going to have you kiss her, but sure, you can drop your pants, that works too.
1: GODDAMN IT

Characters like Priests, Monks, or Paladins probably have a high Impulse Control after years of training, and would be unlikely to, say, throw a lemon pie in the King’s face. But since having a stat of 9 almost guarantees you will never fail an Impulse check…

To make things interesting, Characters with a high Impulse stat–7 or above–have to make Dignity checks. Anything this character attempts that is silly, rambunctious, or requires snap decision making, has to first make a Dignity check. It works the opposite as an Impulse Save. Anything below 15 is a go. Anything between a 15 and 20 is “You’d love to, but…” and anything above a 20 is an immediate “Nope.” No, you can’t wear that guard’s disguise, it’s frilly. No, you can’t shout across the market to warn your friend about an illusion, you’ll look crazy. No, there’s no way in hell you’re gonna be The Distraction.

Life-Or-Death circumstances can serve as bonuses to your Dignity check, knocking off a few extra points in the name of saving someone’s life. Players can also force their characters to do the undignified action anyway, to allow for free will into the plot, but any bending of these rules will cause a small amount of Stun or Physical damage to the Character in question, plus surefire humiliation later.

…The concept is a work in progress, but I honestly think it would make non-combat scenarios just a little more fun.

We’re introducing a first-time player and his Cleric to our established campaign. The Bard is a notorious flirt, and has just met the Cleric. 

Bard: I roll to seduce him [rolls a nat 20]

DM: [sighs] the two of you go behind that nearby tree. [glares at the Bard]

Bard: And?

DM: Nope, not doing it. Fade to black, imagine it. 

Bard (OOC): oh, come on! 

Me (OOC): Live a little! 

Druid (OOC): Where’s your sense of adventure? 

DM: FINE. Roll ‘foreplay’

Much snorting and giggling ensues

Bard: [rolls an 18]

DM: [visibly losing faith in the universe] roll ‘stamina’

Bard: [rolls a 3]

Cleric: I just start crying

I hear a lot of folks wondering if Nick Robinson just didn’t know that what he was doing was wrong because he’s just so diddly darn awkward and is such a sweet little nerd that he doesn’t know how to communicate with women he likes. But here’s the problem: “I didn’t know any better” only works when somebody fucks up once. A lot of the accounts make it clear that this was not some short-term thing, and that it wasn’t just one woman… although the number isn’t clear, it’s enough for me to undoubtedly say that he pulled this crap over and over again. Do we honestly think he wasn’t called out on it? You can even see resistance from girls in some of the screenshots that’ve been released.

Nick Robinson had to have been informed at least once that he was being awful by one of the many women he was treating like pieces of meat. And he clearly kept going. Nick Robinson DOES know better, no matter how many awkward “ohhh see he just doesn’t get how to talk to women” videos you show me.

DM: Ok so you’re in a little fishing village, getting ready to cross the ocean. There’s some boats at the dock, a few houses, and a tavern. What do you wanna do?

Rogue: Can I steal a boat?

Party (ooc): DO IT

DM: I mean I guess…

later, our rogue is storming out of the tavern and down to the docks to flat out steal one of the best boats while the captain is looking. Everyone is rolling initiative, we’re probably gonna have to kill this guy. And then….

Bard: I cast charm person!

DM: Wait, what?

Bard: I’m gonna make the captain steal his own boat!

Bard: (rolls an 18)

DM: Well, I guess you all just stole a boat, with that boat’s captain on board….

(It was amazing, but then the poor guy got burnt to a crisp and/or eaten by one of the big bads a bit later)

Context: our party was at a tavern and our Paladin got bored.

Paladin: I look for anyone hot to bang.

Dm: roll an investigation check.

*Rolls an 11*

Dm: no one’s really that hot. Like, one or two people.

Paladin: I go up to a random person and put a paper bag over their head and try to seduce them.

Dm: roll.

*Rolls Nat 20*

Dm: *fighting laughter* despite the fact that you put a bag over his head, he is so charmed by you, that he follows you to your hotel room and you bang.

*They keep banging for the next few turns*

Dm: okay, I’m going to need you to roll your d20 to see how much you’re enjoying it.

*Rolls 18*

*Dm rolls Nat 20*

Dm: *dying* you both are having a blast. Everyone is satisfied.

Spider Gnome Spider Gnome

19 hours into a 24 hour D&D marathon (pathfinder)….. that we only managed to get 6 hours of planned content completed…..

Starring:
Gnome Barbarian
Tiefling Barbarian
DM 1
DM 2
6 other assorted characters (including a random NPC puppy that was saved early on)

The questing party is hanging in a giant net trap after following the incredibly naive/reckless Gnome down a random tunnel.
The Gnome proceeds to cut the bottom of the net out to free the party…. which end up tumbling down yet another trap to a large room with two NPC’s…. except for the Elf that was smart enough to hold on everyone takes 5 damage.

Turns out the two NPC’s are the Final Boss and her main henchman…. an overly large half orc with armour out the wazzu…. a character that wasn’t supposed to come along for another 4 hours of planned content

Final Boss laughs and magics away, mister brick wall henchman will be enough to deal with these underleveled plebs….

Gnome to Tiefling: it’s time *pulls out knives*
Tiefling: *nods solemnly and picks up the Gnome and proceeds to throw her across the room at the Half-Orc*
DM 1: …… roll acrobatics
Gnome: 18!
DM 1: you bounce off his head unable to grab -
Gnome: BUT WHAT ABOUT MY KNIVES!!!
DM 1: they make it harder to grapple….
Gnome: but what if I use them like ice pics?
DM 1: ….. you grab onto his neck using your knives….. roll an athletics
Gnome: Nat 20 😎
DM 1: *error*
DM 2: The Half-Orc can’t find his face to pull you off because your attached to it…. blinding him…..
DM 1: …… strength check to stay attached to the Half-orcs head
Gnome: …. Nat 20

The Gnome proceeded to pull off the Half-orcs helmet, steals several small hatchets and throwing knives ,and semi destroy his shield before FINALLY falling, breaking DM 1 in the process.
The questing party finally defeats the Half-Orc with 21 AC (AFTER the removal of the helmet and shield) after nearly dying.
The Gnome was never hit.

Half an hour later the questing group formed a cult around the small puppy they had saved named Steve, thus breaking DM 2 and ending the campaign while the Gnome rolled around on the floor sing songing about the fact she had finally been thrown violently at an enemy.

Aka the time we broke my two highly experienced DM’s

My current campaign is in the Curse of Strahd and as my group was in a tower with an anti-magic field around it, we were getting bombarded by witches flying outside

Me (a druid) OOC: I want to jump out of one of the windows and use Thorn Whip to pull the witch off the broom.

DM: uhh, you know you’re like 80 feet in the air, right?

rest of party: and there’s and elevator.

Me: its too slow.

DM: Make an athletics check to jump out of the window and an attack on the witch

Me OOC: 16 (pass) and a 18 (hits)

DM: How much do you weigh, make a strength check to pull her down.

Me OOC: 280, and a 13

DM: Well shit she rolled a 2,  but on her way down she casts featherfall on herself.

Me OOC: on my way down i’ll Beast shape in to an elk to absorb the fall damage and wait for her to hit the ground and attack her when she gets there.

anonymous asked:

Alright. So. Im writing a fic, I've posted a few chapters, working on a few chapters, you know. All that what not. Im really anxious on approaching (but curious/intruiged) smut in this fanfiction. Being asexual, I find having sex personally, unappealing. But I love reading about it fandom wise??? And I want to give a shot at writing it, but im very confused???? On how to approach it????

HERE WE GO

the thing with sex/porn/smut is that everything is subjective and no two people enjoy it exactly the same way. i can’t give you a definitive guide because there is no absolute “correct” way to do it, but there are certain steps you can take so that your smut will appeal to a wider audience.

first of all: don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t/shouldn’t write smut because you haven’t had sex or don’t like having it. fuck that noise. fuck it. do what you want. the only prerequisite for writing smut is that you should read it and read a variety of it. consider it research. you’ll soon find that there’s some smut you like better than others. try to emulate the stuff that does it for you.

something to keep in mind is that you can keep things vague and implicit and readers can fill in the blanks themselves. give enough information that readers can understand what’s going on physically, but keep the focus on the emotions of the scene and the reactions of your characters: the noises they’re making, what their hands are doing, what they’re feeling in the moment, etc. you don’t need to be constantly talking about their bits. 

speaking of bits: you might have noticed how i don’t refer to genitals directly and avoid using euphemisms. getting really graphic and explicit with anatomy is great in certain context but people have very personal and distinct reactions to words like cunt/pussy/cock and if you’re just starting out i’d avoid using those terms. her/herself and him/himself are my go-to’s. 

some specific things:

  • read your dialogue out loud. all of your dialogue, but especially the dirty talk. if you say it out loud and you think it sounds stupid, your readers probably will too 
  • tongues do not “battle for dominance”
  • foreplay is important. generally speaking, you shouldn’t skip straight to penetration if you want your sex scene to be realistic
  • do not describe an erection as “angry and purple with arousal” please
  • a penis suddenly hitting the base of a cervix usually just hurts for everyone involved so i’d avoid this generally
  • having penetrative sex while submerged in water is not as good as tv/movies wants you to think. water basically cancels out natural lubrication i.e it’s not the kind of wet you want 
  • speaking of wet: you can describe arousal without talking about vaginal fluids. heavy breathing, pupils dilating, trembling, chest flushing. and avoid the term “gushing” unless you’re specifically writing squirting
  • up to 75% of people with vaginas have trouble reaching orgasm from penetration alone. keep this in mind
  • penile orgasm only lasts 3-5 seconds and ejaculation only contains about half a teaspoon of sperm. none of this “continuously filling her womb with his seed” nonsense please
  • do not watch porn for inspiration. mainstream porn is acting. if you must, look for amateur porn with real life couples having normal, organic, intimate sex

that’s all i can think of right now. hope this was helpful!

( this was a long term game using homebrew rules. Our DM decided to send our party up against a cthulu-esque demi-god. I was a Dwarf fighter known for nis rage and bravado. Bear in mind we played and looted for three weekly sessions over a year.)

DM- A large dark figure rises in front of the party. His very presence chills all of you to the core. What do you do.

Everyone else runs for cover in a mad dash. I grin and the DM laughs.

Me- I charge with my dagger.

DM spends a few minutes going over notes and stats and gives me my dice pool including five d20.

Me- rolls four nat 20s and a 18.

DM- ……

Me-…….

DM- you…just….one shotted…..a fkn DEMIGOD with a bronze dagger….

Me- A dwarf bows to no one.