dm 18

In which we go to rescue the rogue's long lost girlfiend...

DM: You guys enter the back room to the warehouse filled with corpses and find a strange lab. Upon the center table is Maldrich’s (Rogue) missing girlfriend. She is currently in a cycle of waking up, screaming, and passing out again.

Rogue: I run up to her and try to snap her out of it.

DM: She shows no response to outside stimuli.

Cleric: I try and identify whats wrong with her.

(Rolls 18)

DM: You determine that she isn’t passing out but dying and reviving constantly. You cannot figure out the spell that is causing this as it seems to be an amalgamation of spells. Needless to say, she is in a unbearable amount of pain as she basically suffers massive organ failure without pause.

Rogue: Oh my god is there anything I can do?!

Cleric: Let me try. I use dispel on her.

DM: Okay roll.

(Rolls 1)

Cleric: Oops…

DM: She blows up.

Rogue: WHAT THE FUCK?

Cleric: That wasn’t supposed to happen…

Rogue: What kinda fumble chart do you use that ends with my girlfriend blowing up?!

DM (laughing): Well, uh, mine.

Fighter (to rogue): Shit man that sucks, I’m sorry. You’re girlfriend was like…a real bombshell…

Rogue: DO NOT.

My current campaign is in the Curse of Strahd and as my group was in a tower with an anti-magic field around it, we were getting bombarded by witches flying outside

Me (a druid) OOC: I want to jump out of one of the windows and use Thorn Whip to pull the witch off the broom.

DM: uhh, you know you’re like 80 feet in the air, right?

rest of party: and there’s and elevator.

Me: its too slow.

DM: Make an athletics check to jump out of the window and an attack on the witch

Me OOC: 16 (pass) and a 18 (hits)

DM: How much do you weigh, make a strength check to pull her down.

Me OOC: 280, and a 13

DM: Well shit she rolled a 2,  but on her way down she casts featherfall on herself.

Me OOC: on my way down i’ll Beast shape in to an elk to absorb the fall damage and wait for her to hit the ground and attack her when she gets there.

Game we called 'Wolf pack AH-WOO'

Setting: Forest
Objective: Find cave of orcs

Half-Wolf Ranger: I climb a tree to scan the area.

DM: Roll perception

Ranger: 18.

DM: You look to the west and see the entrance of a cave, not far from where you are, up the side of a hill. Outside it are three orcs, heavily armed.

Ranger: I shoot one of the orcs. *roll Nat 1*

DM: A squirrel falls on your head just before you let the arrow loose. Instead of hitting the orc you targeted, you hit the one next to him, and the arrow doesn’t hit him so much as snag his armor, and turn him around so that he is facing you. He sees you in the tree, and charges down the side of the hill to attack.

Ranger: ………… I EAT THE SQUIRREL.

Druid: Why would you EAT the squirrel????

Ranger: I’m a wolf. It fell on my head and ruined my shot. I am angry. I. Eat. The. Squirrel.

Druid: You can’t seriously-

DM: *rolls to see if squirrel escapes before I can eat it* *rolls a 2* She eats the squirrel.

Context: our group, consisting of a high elf rogue, a half giant fighter, a wood elf ranger, and a dragonborn paladin had left town to investigate a group of lycans that were killing guards. We fought a group of 3, including a werebear, and our scent was attracting more. After every bite attack, we had to roll a charisma saving throw to avoid being cursed and eventually turning into a lycan.

DM: (to rogue after attack) roll a saving throw.

Rogue: *rolls a 1* shit.

DM: (laughs maniacally) at the bite, you instantly transform into a werebear.

Our paladin kills the werebear that turned him in the next attack.

Me (ranger): for my attack, I take my crowbar out of my backpack and nonlethally hit the rogue in the head. *rolls an 18*

DM: you are successful, the rogue/werebear is unconscious.

For the remainder of the battle, I stood over him with my crowbar and hit him every time he woke up, 2 more times. After the battle, our paladin, who was proficient in religion but didn’t have a selected god, decided to pray to cure him.

Paladin: (OOC) wait, who do I pray to?

Fighter: (OOC) does it matter? You have no god. Just pick anyone!

Paladin: (OOC) okay then. *clears throat* oh, great gods of domino’s pizza, please cure my friend and turn him back into a human. *rolls an 18, which is a 26 total*

DM: congratulations, the gods of domino’s pizza have turned him back into a human, but he is out stone cold.

After we had stopped laughing, we rolled to carry him back to town, and the paladin rolled a 1, proceeding to drag him at full speed, hitting his head against every rock on the way.

2

i saw @shelgon‘s top 3 per type challenge tag and like… i had to. If you wanna do it too, the base is (here).

SINCE its a tag im calling out @ehnoshima @goddesssword @sinstability and everyone else cuz even if i didnt tag u do it anyways, it was fun

I'm a smooth talking ranger who manages to get out of battles by talking

Quick backstory, I have a puppy named Chachi with me

Me: WAIT, please before we die tell us why you need to kill us?
DM as Boss: Why does everyone use that line? Listen you’re here to fight not talk
Me: if you’re so confident in your ability to kill us then you should have no problem telling us why
DM: roll persuasion
*rolls 18*
DM as Boss: okay I’ll tell you what it’s been a long time since I seen a puppy. If you let me pet your dog I’ll tell you everything.

Long story short, the boss ended up becoming our ally and we all ended up taking down a doppelgänger king together because of my high charisma and the DM letting me have my dog with me.

Dwarven Grooming Tips

Context: Two of my players (Tulvar, a dwarf & Thalia, a half-tabaxi) were fighting against an obviously shady foreman who seemed to have ties to a local necromancer. Thalia had just finished off the last monsters in his basement and killed him, while Tulvar was unconscious and bleeding out. Tulvar’s previous misses meant that his moustache was now trimmed off unevenly.

Thalia: I want to use my daggers and carve a pattern… (reminiscent of Seneca Crane from the Hunger Games) into Tulvar’s beard. And then tie his shoelaces together.

DM: Okay… roll for Dexterity…

Thalia: *rolls 18*

DM: *sighing* You carve it elegantly into Tulvar’s beard without hurting him any further. Are you going to help heal him now?

Bonus points for having his beard burned in a fireball later on, leaving only the pattern clear on his charred face.

Sudden Pegasus

Context: We’re all new players and we pretty much failed at keeping a group of bandits from robbing a carriage. Our mage is stuck straddled between the backs of the two horses that pulled it and are coming up to a log in the middle of the road. The DM rolls a 2 for one horse and a Nat 20 for the other.

DM: Okay the horse on the left completely wipes out on the log, but the other clears it. Roll for dexterity to determine which horse you end up on.

Mage (OOC): 14 So I stay on the Right one.

Me/Rogue (OOC): Wait a minute, a Nat 20? That’s like if it just sprouted wings and becomes a pegasus or something.

DM: *pauses* Sure okay I’ll roll for it. If I get exactly a 12 on this d20, it’s a Pegasus.

All: Wait, WHAT?

DM: *rolls* …. Okay so the horse leaps majestically into the air where the sunlight glistens off it’s pure white wings. 

Can’t remember exactly how it went, but the Mage managed to navigate the Pegasus to the ground without killing either of them.

Me/Rogue (OOC): Okay we need to keep him. Anyone have any skill in Animal Handling?

Party (OOC): Nope.

Me/Rogue (OOC): Damn. Is the Pegasus intelligent enough for Persuasion?

DM: I mean, I guess?

Me/Rogue (Terrible at thinking on the fly): Okay buddy, you got a choice. You can just fly around purposelessly all day OR you can have this carrot I have. And you’ll get another carrot each day you stay with us. AND if you’re good I’ll throw in a sugar cube each week.

Me/Rogue (OOC): Okay I roll an 18

DM: Well somehow that worked. The Pegasus, majestic mythologicial being is swayed by the promise of a simple carrot and sugar cube. What do you name h-

Paladin (OOC): CHESTER

Mage (OOC): Oh yes! We should get him sunglasses at the next town!

Me/Rogue (OOC): Sunglasses? Really?

Mage (OOC): What? Protection against bright lights!

hi im kitty, i’m turning 20 tomorrow and im a big ol star wars lesbian!! i use they/them pronouns and i’m from ireland!!

i love brooklyn 99, rupaul’s drag race and obi wan kenobi and luke skywalker!

im looking to make more sapphic friends around my age!

my url is @censored, if you think we’d get on, send me an ask or a dm!! no one under 18 please!

btw ive been having like 18 dms just sitting there unanswered and unseen for more than a week and a shit ton of asks so like. if we’re mutuals an u want to chat feel free to ask me for my whatsapp, telegram, facebook etc bc i really never manage to do that here