dm 18

Why you shouldn't name your enemies

(Way back in the old days of the first battle of our campaign…)

DM: (to the Sword-cerer) A spear flops harmlessly over your shoulder. The goblin who threw it looks terrified.

Sword-cerer OOC: I’m gonna pick up the spear, set it on fire, shape the fire into a fireball and throw it at the goblin, looming over him in the most creepy way I can. *rolls an 18*

DM: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT’S YOU ALIGNMENT AGAIN

Sword-cerer OOC: Chaotic Neutral.

DM: Ok nvm you can do that. The goblin turns to ash, screaming.

Cleric OOC: I’m naming the goblin Steve

Rogue OOC: RIP Steve, his remains will be spread via catapult, as is customary in the Clusterfuck clan.

Cleric OOC: Ok I’m next right? I’m gonna attack the goblin who just attacked me. *rolls just enough to leave the goblin at 1HP*

DM: The goblin has a gaping chest wound, but hangs on.

Cleric OOC: OK THAT ONE IS UNDYNE

DM: Do you wanna fight a fucking Undyne the Undying goblin

Cleric OOC: HELL YEAH

Sword-cerer OOC: And [Cleric]?

Cleric OOC: Yeah?

Sword-cerer OOC: Don’t try to fuck the Undyne goblin

Cleric OOC: (who formerly had a crush on the actual Undyne) fuck you

DM: Okay but if you die it’s non-canon. The goblin’s left eye begins to glow, as does their spear, and they say “You’re gonna have to try a little harder than THAT.” in goblinish.

Rogue OOC: I ignore the bad acid trip happening a few feet away from me and stab the goblin that just attacked me. *rolls a nat 20*

DM: Yeah that goblin is very dead. As for the undying goblin, it slashes its spear at the Cleric and Sword-cerer, and you both feel green, but not in a sick way. You can’t move, but you both have a magical shields that you did not create. A rain of spears flies at each of you from all directions. Roll a strength, focus, or intelligence saving throw.

Sword-cerer OOC: I YELL DBZ STYLE AND WAVE MY SHIELD AROUND *nat 1*

(there’s a feeling of “oh shit” so strong, it can be felt through the computer screen)

Sword-cerer OOC: WAIT! I HAVE LUCKY AS A RACIAL BONUS! I CAN REROLL THIS!

(Once again, you can feel the anticipation through the computer screen)

*nat 20*

DM: Only three of the spears hit you. They’re surprisingly tiny, even by your half-halfling standards. They do… *rolls three dice* 6 damage total, counting the halved damage from your nat 20.

Cleric OOC: *rolls a 15 total on the saving throw, gets left with 2hp*

Sword-cerer OOC: Still yelling, I’m going to set my sword on fire and stab the undying goblin. *another nat 20, rolls one below the maximum on damage*

DM: Okay wow, you stab its chest wound, which has not healed at all, and is now on fire. I expected this to be a non-canon TPK that we would just rewind and laugh about, but the undying goblin is already mostly dead.

Cleric OOC: I’m going to try to smash its ribcage! *rolls an 18 total*

DM: It doesn’t have a ribcage anymore, but you still do a fair amount of damage.

Cleric & Sword-cerer OOC: *expectant :3 spam*

Rogue OOC: I’m going to try resisting the bad acid trip that’s happening to my left. *rolls a 3*

DM: The bad acid trip beckons you, you need to take part in it.

Rogue OOC: …I leap at the undying goblin and stab it. *rolls just enough to kill it*

DM: The undying goblin begins to melt, and says “This world will live on…!” in goblinish before dying. I honestly did not expect this.

Listen, I wanted the money

This is kind of long so here’s some context. My group consists of a sex obsessed human pirate, a money obsessed, shit stirring tiefling rogue (me), a human psion who likes causing chaos, and a human warrior with amnesia, we are in a bar and and I am pissed at the bartender.

(Human pirate)HP: ok, so I go upstairs witg my two ladies and bed them

DM: ok, you go upstairs

(Human psion)HS: ok, so I simultaneously flip everyone’s mugs of beer upside down *rolls 18*

DM: you succeed and successfully start a chaotic bar fight

(Tiefling rogue)Me: I sneak up behind the bartender and stab him through the throat *rolls 18*

DM:you stab him and none of the bartenders notice until you are out from behind the bar *to me and HS* you see someone about to stab someone else with a table leg

HS: I go to stop him

Me: wait, I stop HS and tell him to just let it happen, snd that I have a plan

DM: he stabs the person in the chest and pulls the bloody table leg out of their chest

Me: I tell the bartenders that the man with the bloody table leg stabbed the bartender *rolls 14 on bluff*

DM: The bartenders believe you and yell for city guards, and you hear footsteps outside

HS: I quickly put everything back where it was before the guards arrive *rolls nat 20*

DM: you succeed and the guards arrive on the scene and grab hold of the guy with the table leg and start to escort him out of the bar

Me: I convince them that he also stole my money *rolls 17 of persuasion*

DM: wait, you are blaming him on the murder and condemning a stranger to death for the 25 gold he has?

Me: yeah, why not?

DM: What’s your alignment?

Me: Chaotic Neutral, why?

DM: well, I think your alignment should probably be changed to neutral evil

Me: that’s fair enough

HP: *comes downstairs with the 2 ladies he was with* what’d I miss?

A couple turns later, our psion tortured the stranger and made him go insane instead of quickly executing him, and he soon after became neutral evil as well

2 Tunnels, 1 room

DM (me): Alright so as you guys are wandering through the tunnel, you manage to reach a fork in the road. There is one tunnel going left, and one tunnel going right. Choose wisely

Sorcerer: ROLL FOR PERCEPTION *rolls an 18*

DM: You sense that both tunnels are exactly the same

Paladin: I use detect evil

DM: Both tunnels have nothing, as if they were e x a c t l y the same

*Group starts to decide which tunnel to go through, taking approximately 26 minutes*

Rogue: OKAY, so with our perfect team composition, us 5 go into the left tunnel, and the other 5 go into the right.

DM: Are you sure?

Monk: Yes, positive.

DM: Both groups say their farewells, and go through the dark and mysterious tunnels…… just for them to join up again in a different room

Everyone: OHMYGODD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH

I the DM, dealing with a group of 10: Hey, that’s my line,

Setting is a modern day urban-fantasy style campaign. All party members are half-bloods of standard fantasy races, mine is a half-gnome and a rogue equivalent. We’re trying to break into a facility where we think the government is holding other “specials.”

DM: Okay, so you sneak over the wall successfully and reach a fence.

Me: Is it electrified?

DM: Roll for it. (18) No, it’s not.

Me: But am I sure?

DM: You are 18/20 sure.

Me: I wanna roll to build an electroscope out of our weapons.

DM: A what?

Me: An electroscope. You use it to determine if an object is charged. I could make it using [fighter]’s sword, my dagger, and [bard]’s necklace.

DM: *sighs* Fine whatever. (20) *frustrated* Okay, you know what? It wasn’t electrified before, but just for that, it is now.

They thought Profession Miner would be useless...

So in our Pathfinder campaign, we had an Oread Barbarian who took Profession Miner, and who wielded an adamantine tetsubo.

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DM: As you traverse the dungeon, you come into a large room. The cave wall has a honeycomb-like look to it as it’s dotted with holes. You can see a couple of the stirges from earlier darting in as they see you.

Party: Oh shit. We can’t fight all those.

DM: So what do you do?

Barbarian: Smash?

Party: How in Pelor’s name do you smash THAT?!?

Barbarian(OOC): 27 Profession Miner. What’s the hardness of the rockface?

DM: Idk, like 18.

Barbarian(OOC): Perfect. Adamantine weapons auto bypass hardness of 20 or lower. Does a 26 confirm massive damage against the inanimate wall?

DM: Yup. So that’’s 32 for the kill board.

Barbarian: I smash good!

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The barbarian ended that campaign with a 32 kill lead on the kill board.

Context: My group of four and I were against a Cambion with a couple of goblins, the group was tired and one of the members had disappeared. What happened next was not what I expected.

Bard: So since I don’t have very many hit points left, I’m going to try to seduce the Cambion. 

*they roll a 14* 

DM: He is slightly seduced, and winks at you. 

Other players are now wanting to hop onto the bandwagon and attempt to seduce him also, but end up rolling 7 and 5, thus not being able to seduce him. It is now the bards turn again.

Bard: Ok, so I’m going to try again with seduction. 

*bard rolls a 18*

DM: Ok, he is so seduced his reaction is to lift his wings an make a movement to you.

During Cambion’s turn: He lovingly sweeps you off your feet and flies off to the nearest inn.

Bard: I roll for protection.

(The dwarven city is under siege by goblins and mole people. Finding a family of dwarves, we escort them several floors up to the entrance that we discover to be guarded by three goblins, who are currently taunting the dwarven guards on the other side of a large green barrier. The goblins are in possession of a large, steal box projecting a green light, which has created the barrier - a veil - that is blocking the dwarves from returning to their city. We take care of the goblins, and while our Ranger speaks with the dwarves, the rest of our party tries to figure out what the box is.)

Druid (ooc): I would like to kick the box as hard as I can.

DM: Um, alright! Roll for strength.

Druid (ooc): 18.

DM: Okay, you throw back your foot and hurl it forward to give the steel box a grand ol’ kick…your foot connects, but the box barely budges. You’re sure your toe is bleeding now, and you take 1 point of damage.

Duid (ooc): I grab my foot and cry.

Ranger: Okay guys, the dwarves said the goblins brought up this box, but they have no idea what it is. The wall’s been here for nearly a day, and no one can get through.

Monk: Can it be moved?

Ranger: I’m not sure. We can try.

Bard: I’ll assist.

Monk: Me too. 

(The three attempt moving the box, and while it does budge just a bit, the veil remains in its original place still blocking the exit.)

Rogue: Maybe…we can…plug it up?

(Everyone goes silent, and looks at the DM.)

DM: You can certainly try?

Monk: We need a dead body.

Druid (ooc): I want the dead goblin that had his pants down and was pressing his ass against the veil.

DM: *snorts* Okay, you um, you go over and grab the body-

Druid (ooc): I hand it to [Monk].

Monk (ooc): I shove the body into the hole in the box!

DM: Okay, you slam the goblin butt-first into the hole where the veil is bring projected from-

Monk (ooc): WHOA WHAT

(*everyone dies laughing*)

Monk (ooc): I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS

DM: -and the veil disperses. 

Rogue: THE BUTT-PLUG WORKED

A convenient opportunity

At one point in the session, the party was fighting a talking bear with a crossbow, and Seawald the animal whisperer had a good idea.

Seawald: “So, he’s a bear right?”

DM: “Technically.”

Seawald: “I’m going to use dominate animal on him, then using my ride skill I’m going to ride him off of a cliff, then I’m going to use my jump skill to jump back up to safety.” 

DM: “Roll for finding a cliff.”

Seawald: “14″

DM: “Alright, you find one and jump off with the bear, now roll for a jump.” 

Seawald: “18″

DM: “Goddammit”

Out of Spells

Our sorcerer ran out of spell slots while sieging the Earth Temple in PotA.

Sorcerer with French Accent: What, I can’t anything. Like its bullshit. Can I use mage hand to Anal Probe them or something?

Me: Ten pounds of force

DM: Umm, I guess. Roll a d20.

Sorcerer: 18?

DM: You make it, umm the enemy loses his concentration and is upset.

Everyone bursts out laughing! It’s been a running gag now, no more fireballs, just probing

No getting out of here.

So this takes place a while back on a custom campaign. We had a dragonborn barbarian, an orc barbarian, a fish assassin, and a human ranger. One of the players (ranger) did not like what was happening at the time, and tried to kill himself IC. This jus what happened, all OOC

Ranger: I want to commit suicide.
DM: OK, roll a d20. Low roll means death.
Ranger: [gets an 18] fuck
DM: You try to kill yourself, and end up with full hp, 2 health potions, and 5 gold. You cannot escape

Sakurai moments

Context: I’ve been hosting my own DND game as of late, I’ve been building up rather quickly to the first fight of te group, a bugbear! A bit troublesome for a first fight I know, but this was back before players decided to ya'know, quit. From 8 to at least 5 irl now. But here’s how the ending of the bugbear fight went.

Rogue (ooc): I’m going to stab it with my katanas!

DM (me): Roll.

*rolls a natural 1*

DM: The Bugbear gave no shits about you and your katanas, swinging you aside with his arm, causing you to trip over your own feet.

Dragonborn Wizard: Damnit this thing is strong, screw it! Burning hands!

DM: Roll.

*18, that passes the ac, the damage brings the bugbear to four health*

DM:Okay, welp since the bug bear is near dead, it’s going to run away by disengaging, limp running it attempts to cut through a ravine.

Human wizard 2 (ooc): I swear to god this thing better trip.

DM:if it rolls a nat 1 while doing a climb save, it’ll be rolling a d4 of da-

*the dice roll cut me off, nat 1.*

DM:Okay if it rolls a 4 it’s dead.

The whole table looked in as I rolled a 1d4; nat. fucking. 4.

Everyone was done, dying of laughter.

Our party was fighting a young dragon and the Dwarf Paladin has a ridiculously high armor rating. The dragon failed a melee attack on the Paladin.

Paladin: “I roll to intimidate the dragon!”

Paladin: “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!”

DM: “What, no, you can’t intimidate the dragon!”

Paladin:“Why not?”

DM: “You know what…fine. Fine.”

Paladin: *Rolls 19 with a +5 bonus*

DM: “The dragon is not intimidated.”

Paladin: “what.”

DM: “He rolled an 18 with +5”

Paladin: “But I rolled a 19 +5. I intimidate the dragon!”

DM: “NO.”

*The DM proceeds to ignore the fact the Paladin clearly intimidated the dragon*