I’ve been learning things about myself lately (you’re shocked, I know). I can see just how much baggage I’ve been carrying around with me; all I needed was a little distance from the situations and to move a little bit closer to myself. Today I learned that running is a hit or miss stress reliever with me. I’ve been running for stress/general fitness purposes for about five years now, pretty regularly I would say (but I’ve definitely had lulls in the regularity from time to time), and today I noticed something I’ve never noticed before because I’ve never been so calm in general before– running stresses me out. What? Really?
I don’t think it happens every time, but I’ve been treating it as a “one size fits all” solution to every stressful situation. This morning I woke up feeling better than yesterday, but since I don’t have a car anymore and missed my chance to get a ride to SD last night because I didn’t feel well, I can’t go to my friend Derek’s funeral. And I definitely don’t have any money for the train. I also realized that I’ve been carrying some baggage from past relationships that, in accumulation, make me feel used up, worn out, and, well, kind of jaded (even though I absolutely despise the word “jaded” deep down to my very core), and it affects how I see myself now…My last serious relationship left me feeling like I had been sucked dry, and it was a constant source of humiliation, fear, and rejection. It wasn’t like that the ENTIRE time, but that’s the impression it left me with. So, these two things on my mind today have been sort of stressful, and I wanted to go run out the icky feelings they gave me. Lo and behold, running made me WAY more amped up than I had planned, and the only peace I felt was on my walk home.
Thank god I’m getting more in touch with what feels good and what doesn’t, because I’ve been walking around like a numbed out bag of shit for so long, but it’s hard to learn these things and not get a little bit frustrated with myself for not knowing myself a little bit sooner. But that’s life, eh? I need another walk already.