Whoever you are.
Is it ridiculous that I might be doing things currently because I want to build up this person I envision to be? This cramming late-morning, more of early-noon, in between my brain closely beating with my heart and panicking hands, neuropsychology bouncing all over my neurons, my coffee full of rebellious distate for the wrong time being drank, I decided it is not. I know, I’m a psychology major, and there are hundreds of theories about THE ‘ideal self’. But not ever, not even close enough to score the highest, hit the bullseye.
In contrast to what might everybody be expecting of me trying to overly think of and love myself, I choose to deviate, or perhaps I am just of odd species. And God help me, I have never even thought of myself as highly as Mr. K. West, I have not even made the greatest metaphor that I see myself in.
Whenever people ask,”So how do you see myself 20 years from now?”, I get confused, which quickly develops into a great annoyance, and then World War III commences. I mean, how could I ever see myself a few years from now if, in the first and hardest place, I can’t even see myself clearly now? It divirginizes my mind in a whole new level. But don’t get me wrong, of course, in between lines and circles, I understand myself. I understand myself completely. It’s in my mind, I can predict myself more often than usual.
But this person I want to be. I might know he is not—that he is not highly, either, he is not boastful, he is not dreadful, he is not lonely, he is not sad—but I can’t find ways to see who he really is. And while I don’t find it ridiculous to doing things in building up this someone I strongly want (and mostly unsteadily mysterious), I find it bluntly rude, to be wanted yet as much as this, but not being known. I am unrequited just yet again.