dissosiation

“Dissociation does not mean that you are defective, damaged, insane, stupid, or worthless. In fact, you are among the most gifted people in the world because it takes intelligence, creativity, and imagination to learn how to dissociate. Congratulate yourself on your ability to survive overwhelming trauma.” - Dr. Bill Tollefson

I am going to ABQ with family soon. I hope we get to eat out at a nice place that would be good. Also it is snowy. 

And I am thinking of dani. 

I am a smidge dissociated today but I will be positive and okay. 

Little Mental Thoughts

I can always feel it when it starts…it’s like this creeping far away dizziness in the back of my head. And then it starts to spread.
It hits my ears where the things people say sound foreign and I sometimes don’t even understand the English language, so because of that I start to panic a little.
It then gets to my eyes where it’s like I can’t focus on one thing. I have to keep looking around and I suddenly forget where I am.
I forget where I am, who I’m with extent and who I am.
I’m still unsure of the trigger of my dissociation/depersonalization episodes but…I know I’ve done it since early childhood. My first memory for example…
It’s at the point where I’m permanently unsure of the reflection in the mirror.
I don’t remember the changes I went through.
It’s like a chunk of time is gone.
And I don’t recognize the eyes. She looks dead. Like I have a corpse staring back at me.
She’s pretty. But I can’t help but get the feeling that the girl I see isn’t me.
How can someone be sure the reflection isn’t them when they themselves don’t know what they look like?

I went into work this morning glad to not see my boss there

but then i was doing the register, and all the prices had changed.

i kept thinking ‘is this how the prices have always been??? have i been hallucinating my whole 6 months of working here?? is the world real?’ and ended up having a severe panic attack and drew all over myself to try to calm myself down so let there be a little lesson here of if you change the price of your shit, tell ALL of your workers that the prices have changed, especially when said workers are on the register every single time they’re at work.

i’m crying for the first time in weeks which is good because i’m been nothing but extremely numb but i still don’t know if i’m feeling anything. if these tears are frustration or if i’m sad so deeply that i can’t distinguish from it anymore. i just know i just go outside and start my day. i don’t want people looking to me because i know they aren’t seeing me they’re seeing all the wrong things.

when i “dissociate” i can spend literally weeks in a nightmarish fog from which sleep is the only relief 

don’t know anymore if that’s what i got but the extent to which I DO NOT relate to you people shows me something is amiss 

maybe i have drug induced psychosis after all 

It seems like everyone and their brother is talking about how they dissosiate now and honestly if so then what i do isn’t dissociate because i don’t relate to you people at all 

also i can’t sleep 

Fragments

My hands have begun to show their age
No longer coated in childhood’s protective
layer of flesh

I had always longed for hands like my mother’s
worn and used, gripping the steering wheel

Veins crawling over bones, enlarged
from circulating energy to a body in motion

Myself
Myself.
My body
Me.

I am the same-
yet I have changed
I have grown….