dissosiation

“Dissociation does not mean that you are defective, damaged, insane, stupid, or worthless. In fact, you are among the most gifted people in the world because it takes intelligence, creativity, and imagination to learn how to dissociate. Congratulate yourself on your ability to survive overwhelming trauma.” - Dr. Bill Tollefson

the apathy is a place I can hide

its gauzy veil a quiet camouflage.

The vast river of sheer angry noise,

the scream paralyzed always in my throat, they are

subdued by this great equalizer, this

absolute lack of stirring,

this still and open ocean.

I take two hours to get out of bed

and when I try to get dressed I 

note without particular investment

that I have been gutted

there is no blood, no viscera,

just my insides hollowed out,

vacant and smooth.

Little Mental Thoughts

I can always feel it when it starts…it’s like this creeping far away dizziness in the back of my head. And then it starts to spread.
It hits my ears where the things people say sound foreign and I sometimes don’t even understand the English language, so because of that I start to panic a little.
It then gets to my eyes where it’s like I can’t focus on one thing. I have to keep looking around and I suddenly forget where I am.
I forget where I am, who I’m with extent and who I am.
I’m still unsure of the trigger of my dissociation/depersonalization episodes but…I know I’ve done it since early childhood. My first memory for example…
It’s at the point where I’m permanently unsure of the reflection in the mirror.
I don’t remember the changes I went through.
It’s like a chunk of time is gone.
And I don’t recognize the eyes. She looks dead. Like I have a corpse staring back at me.
She’s pretty. But I can’t help but get the feeling that the girl I see isn’t me.
How can someone be sure the reflection isn’t them when they themselves don’t know what they look like?

I went into work this morning glad to not see my boss there

but then i was doing the register, and all the prices had changed.

i kept thinking ‘is this how the prices have always been??? have i been hallucinating my whole 6 months of working here?? is the world real?’ and ended up having a severe panic attack and drew all over myself to try to calm myself down so let there be a little lesson here of if you change the price of your shit, tell ALL of your workers that the prices have changed, especially when said workers are on the register every single time they’re at work.

PSA for systems with a little/littles !
There’s a great book called Dear Little Ones by Jade Miller.
It’s a great book to help littles understand that they are part of a system! It tackles some other really great subjects in a beautifully written children’s book format.
The author is a traumagenic multiple as well! You can buy her book from Amazon, but if the host/protector/helper whoever watches out for your little wants to read it first it’s up on YouTube.

anonymous asked:

3 5 8 25

3: yep!!! @stranger-dissosiation my boyfriend ❤❤❤
5: fuck if i know man
8: thats a long list man lmk if you really want to know
25: fairly often when im tired when i see someone/something triggering and i cant take what my brains doing yknow, and what does it mean by symptoms im confused