The fog on these windows won’t clear,
Despite rays of sun shining in from above,
Despite the warmth in their eyes.
 
Friends bring in heaters sometimes,
Line them up along the walls of my house
Like soldiers on a battlefield.
 
Somehow I still manage to stumble,
Blindly, tripping over corpses
With mirrors for faces.
 
I still cannot name her.
—  poeticallyordinary, the stranger in the mirror
[Every day is exactly the same:

When I awake, I stare at the wall while I put myself back together. If I wake early, I remember some bits and pieces of my dream. Sometimes my cats are staring at me…

I stumble out of bed. Usually one leg at a time. The funny thing about depression is what it does to your personal gravity. Movements must be calculated for efficiency because limbs are made of lead.

I love science fiction movies where the plot revolves around a time loop. I also find them deeply unsettling, because I identify with them.

The idea that today could be a ‘Thursday’ doesn’t really carry a lot of relevance in my head. Same with loose and abstract concepts like 'the 14th’ and 'July.’ Sometimes I think of my life under the title of a camp 1970’s b-movie: 'The Man Unstuck From Time.’

The next morning, when I lie in bed staring at the wall… there won’t be any sense of progression, of yesterday or tomorrow. It will be the same day, all over again. It takes a pretty hefty jostling of my situation to instill any sense that life moves in any direction.

By afternoon, I will only vaguely be aware that morning ever happened.

By evening, all that will exist is evening.

I approach sleep uneasily, as if it’s happening for the first time all over again, and I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’m afraid of falling asleep and ceasing to exist.

To dissociate is to disconnect from some part of your own mind; I dissociate to some degree continuously, barely grasping the idea of time.

I hear people say 'live in the moment’ and 'practice mindfulness’ and 'be here now’ and I want to grab them and shake them, and tell them that it’s a trap, that their connection to time is enviable beyond words, that it gives them an advantage I don’t feel or understand. Connect to your yesterday and your tomorrows. Embrace anxieties, regrets, plans, hopes, nostalgia. You have them for a reason. They were taken away from me.

All I have left is to float…

-One]
—  the Desired Constellation (memoir, work in progress)
  • Me: i'm in a really bad place right now, i really need to talk to someone
  • Someone: hey, how are you?
  • Me: I'M FINE! F I N E! NO NEED TO TALK HERE! MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER! what about you though?:)
that’s how you survive -
getting up and
showing up,
and
beating fear at its own damn game.
—  charleigh aleyna.

Neurotypical: I can do stuff like leave my house and eat three meals a day!!!
Me: yeah but can you do this? *dissociates for three hours*