The first 60 seconds of Star Trek Beyond was made up entirely of studio logos. Trust me; I counted. That’s enough time to scald a Hot Pocket, all devoted to plugging five separate brands, from Paramount Pictures to J.J. Abrams’s Bad Robot production company.
And as everyone who still plops their butts in theater seats knows, this observation isn’t revolutionary. Along with 20 minutes of pre-roll ads, 10 minutes of lights-down ads, and another 20 minutes of trailers, we’re now getting a slow influx in the amount of studio logos that appear before a feature film. And while that addition might not seem much to wave your fist about, eating shit is still eating shit, no matter how little shit you’re eating. And I’m here to tell you that these logos are, in fact, shit. I’m talking dried, lumpy butt-slugs being contemptuously dangled in your maw like some kind of netherworld mistletoe.
To understand this, you need to know why it’s happening in the first place.
The thing about Beauty and the Beast… I was too young to see it in the theatres, and my father bought me a laser disc copy to watch a year later. I fell in love with Belle, Belle’s dress (and that was why yellow was my favorite color as a child), and the whole magic of this story. Beauty and the Beast (1991) holds a very important piece of my childhood – this movie means a lot to me.