Part of my problem is my absolute inability to express my emotional needs with people. I have so many walls up and I trapped inside of them. I am someone who is very romantic, and soft, and emotional, and sensitive, someone who thinks about love every single day, and wonders why I’ve never found it and it makes me so desperately sad. But I cannot admit this to literally anyone in my life. I do come across as sensitive and emotional but I also act tough and distant and disinterested in love and relationships and everything, and I constantly say it doesn’t matter to me and I’m good alone and I want to be alone, and I’m never going to find anyone and that’s ok and I’m fine with being alone.
But I’m not. I’m a fucking liar. And I always have been. I lie to myself, and to everyone else. Because I am so starved for affection and intimacy and love I feel like I’m dying sometimes and I can’t even get out of bed.
But I’ll never tell anyone that, not in real life, only here, where I can remain anonymous. And my walls are still up. And idk how they’ll ever come down.