dirty toaster

Food network quotes

(From chopped, cutthroat kitchen and cooks vs cons, because they’re hysterical and I have no life at the moment.)

“I saw the red onions, and I became angry.”

“That was an uninvited layer of baklava.”

“He should slow his roll, because that was not a remoulade, okay.”

“That potato purée was an absolute failure.”

“Cashews are the Cadillac of nuts.”

“Oh GIRL why’d you DO ME THIS DIRTY WITH THAT TOASTER.”

“I’m gonna make some fancy-ass toast!!”

“In my hand…is a CRAP TON of pancake batter.”

“The mystery ingredient is a hot corn cob, who cares, I’m not afraid, HOT COB WAS MY NICKNAME IN HIGH SCHOOL!”
(^what the heck…?)

“The more you play with pablano peppers, the less magical they become.”

“Here we have the infamous palenta log…”

“I am 69% caveman.”

“I was BAFFLED BY THE RICOTTA.”

“I’m a savage, I can’t help who I am.”

“I eat so much bacon that I’ll probably have a heart attack in two years.”

“YEAH OKAY I’M GONNA NEED A CRISPY, MEATY ELEMENT.”

“This was a train wreck. But it was a good train wreck.”

“I am not going to be defeated by a pork chop.”

“I harness fire to make food sexy.”

“IM A BADASS BEEF GIRL.”

“I think everyone should be intimidated by me. BECAUSE I KNOW MY STUFF.”

“She must be a professional because she has so much swag.”

“I hate EVERYTHING ABOUT COTTAGE CHEESE.”

“What can be sexier than lobster? I mean…aside from me?”

“YOU PULVERIZED MY WEINERS.”

“I’M GONNA BRING THE SEXY BACK TO FOOD.”

“Yeah so, I’ve spent a long time with these DAMN TORTILLAS.”

“At this point in time, I’m feeling really confident about my pickles.”

“I need to create a mess of deliciousness.”

“HOW CAN I LOSE TO A SALAD.”

“That lobster was so profound.”

“I have never cooked with a testacle before.”

“I’m going to win. IVE BEEN COOKING LONGER THAN MY OPPONENT HAS BEEN ALIVE.”

“It’s a crapshoot in here. If I win, great, if I lose, I will not be surprised.”

“I DON’T LIKE BITING INTO A LARGE CHUNK OF COLD FAT…THATS NOT CORRECT.”

“We need to amp up these potatoes. Right now.”

cute things to call your significant other

•  sweetheart
•  babe
•  broccoli
•  dirty toaster
•  burnt corndog
•  fuck trumpet
•  [10 consecutive minutes of screaming]
•  obama (our reptilian president)