Whether you’re a Dirktective or a Hitchhiker (or a Hitchhiking Dirktective) all you assistfriend froods should be on the look out for the colourful “British” (read: Betelgesuean/Romanian) seeking to lift you out of your boring mundane lives today.
Let’s be honest, Todd’s gonna kiss Dirk long before Dirk even realizes it’s a possibility.
At some point in the not-so-distant future, after Dirk gets away from Blackwing, after all the CIA heat dies down, after they’ve established their detective agency and have a handful of successful albeit terrifying and life-altering cases under their belt, Todd will, without ever really meaning to, kiss Dirk.
Maybe it’ll come in the middle of a case, their latest near-death experience thrumming in his veins. Or maybe it’ll come at the end of a case, after they’ve all gone out for a celebratory drink, Todd loose and relaxed and genuinely happy. Or maybe it’ll happen in between cases, Dirk bleeding unused energy all over Todd’s flat. It might even happen after a pararibulitis attack, Todd’s skin still tingling from where the Rowdy 3 have drained his energy. It’s not the where or when that matters. What does matter is that it’s always, always Todd who initiates it.
And then promptly realizes what he’s done.
And of course Dirk, who adores Todd, who’s probably been half in love with Todd since his future-self introduced him to Todd, needs only half a second to process the turn of events before he is 110% on board. Unfortunately, that’s just enough time for Todd to change his mind.
Because he’s a shitty friend, but he’s an even worse boyfriend and he doesn’t want to mess up what they have. He certainly doesn’t want to run the risk of ruining the first friendship he’s had in years. He doesn’t want to lose Dirk or leave the comfortable bubble they’ve made for themselves even though Dirk’s pretty much the only person he ever thinks about. Certainly Dirk’s the only person he can really see himself spending the rest of his life with.
None of that’s important, though, because Todd’s an asshole and a screw-up and if there’s anything he can fuck up spectacularly, it’s this.
So he makes excuses.
Except, that’s all they are, excuses, and if anyone can see through Todd’s bullshit it’s Dirk, so Dirk makes it his mission to change Todd’s mind, because now that he knows he can have this he sure is hell isn’t going to back down just because Todd’s got cold feet.
Besides, he has a good feeling about this.
And Todd? Todd doesn’t stand a chance. He didn’t stand a chance when Dirk was obliviously happy calling Todd his BFF. What chance does he have now that Dirk knows? Now that Dirk’s decided the universe wants them together. It’s a battle he’s destined to lose. A battle he’s not even sure he wants to wage.
I know a lot of people want some big crossover between dirk gently and the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy but like all I really really really want is the mystery squad taking a trip to the aquarium and Dirk starts humming “So Long And Thanks For All The Fish” even though he had never heard the song
Sometimes I think about that scene at the end of episode
one, the one outside the police station, the one where Todd walks away and Dirk
watches him go. And he doesn’t understand, because his future self told him
this man was going to be his best friend, and yet Todd doesn’t even appear to like him, let
alone seem interested in being friends.
So Dirk goes back to his new apartment, alone and
lost because Todd was supposed to be his next step, his first step towards
solving this case. And he thinks he’s probably missing something because this Todd maybe even hates him so obviously his
future self was wrong. And really, he should have known, because people never
seem to like him so why would Todd be the exception. The universe takes him
where he needs to go, but he is always, always alone.
So he hates that he let himself hope things would be
different this time, even if it was only for a minute. And he resolves to put it from his mind, because
there’s no use longing for something he’s never had. Still, it hurts, because
he knew he was lonely, but he hadn’t fully registered just how bad it was, not
until he ran into a future version of himself; not until he was introduced to the man who
would become his best friend. And as much as he hates to admit it, that’s something he’s wanted his entire life. He’s just never really given himself permission to picture it until now. So that night, as
he struggles to fall asleep, he’s consumed by emptiness, and for a few brief,
panic stricken minutes, he almost feels like he’s back in CIA custody.
And then it’s morning, and his phone is ringing, and even
though Dirk doesn’t recognize the number, there’s something about the sound of
his ringing phone that slots everything into place.
I think then about the soft
look of surprise that must have passed over his features. About the joy he must
have experienced hearing Todd’s voice. About how his universe must have
aligned; about how he must have felt knowing the future his future self had promised him was once again within his reach.
Mostly, though, I think about the moment he disconnected
the call. About how he probably stared at the phone in his hand, torn between
incredulity and disbelief. About the slow smile that must have
spread across his face, and how quickly it transitioned into a giddy grin. I think about the silent yes he undoubtedly muttered
up at the ceiling. About the pure adrenaline fuelled joy that carried him
And then I think about the barely contained excitement he undoubtedly felt when he found Todd waiting for him on the curb.
during the possible CIA break out, after Amanda, Vogel have reunited with the
rest of the Rowdy Three, they find themselves in a corridor; them lined up at
one end and, at the other, the unlucky agents who’ve been sent to subdue the
Rowdy Three. Just before they begin to attack, one of the agents notices Amanda
– there are meant to be four members of the Rowdy Three, not five. Confused,
and hoping one of their teammates knows which project Amanda belongs to, an
agent shouts, ‘What does she do?’
Hearing them, Amanda replies, ‘I
play the drums!’
All of the agents are now confused.
Can playing the drums be a physic power? If so, how? Are the Rowdy Three
actually a punk band? Is Friedkin really that incompetent? How did they get
picked for what is definitely the worse assignment ever?
Meanwhile, the Rowdy Three think
that Amanda’s response is the best thing ever (and maybe a band isn’t such a
bad idea) and takes it as the sign to charge.
‘I play the drums!’ becomes Amanda’s
official battle cry.
So basically we’re all fixated on Dirk’s arms in the new set pics yeah? Good. So long as we’re all on the same page.
So because you guys keep making me wanna write stupid irrelevant stuff here’s a dead short lil drabble about Todd being a thirsty bitch and having a minor heart attack when he sees Dirk’s lovely arms. I wrote this in like 20mins to get it out of my head. Enjoy.
“Do you see anyone?”
“No,” Dirk peered through the window over the back of his
seat, expression hopeful. “Haven’t for about ten miles or so.”
Todd resisted the urge to sigh in relief- he didn’t want to
get too complacent. “Good. We’re gonna need to stop for gas.”
“We’ll be alright if we’re quick,” Dirk sat back comfortably
in his seat, beaming at Todd. “Excellent rescue efforts, Todd- went off practically
without a hitch!”
Todd could definitely remember
one or two hitches, but Dirk was out and that was the main thing. And so were
the other Rowdies- although they were currently driving with Amanda and Farah
in a different direction, in the hope of throwing off the pursuit. They’d all
rendezvous in three days at the safe house Farah had fixed up for them. In the
meantime they’d just have to be careful to keep looking over their shoulders.
They happened across a rest stop three miles down the road,
and Todd pulled up to the pump. He got out of the car and started filling up
the tank without even being asked- maybe Dirk was right, maybe he was fucking
programmed to assist. Although where he came from people just called it ‘being
“Lovely day!” Dirk said from somewhere on the other side of
the car. “Wonderful day to be free- although I suppose any day would be a wonderful day to be free. God, it is scorching. Don’t get temperatures like
this in England. Just as well, I suppose, not many places fitted with air
conditioning. If we got a heatwave like this an awful lot of people would spontaneously
combust. I had a case like that once, actually- did I ever tell you about the
Hobgoblin? The arsonist, not the mythological creature. Or the ale.”
“Or the Spiderman villain?” Todd chuckled, glancing up. “Rings
a bell, but…”
He trailed off, blinking dazedly at the sight that greeted
him across the car roof.
Dirk was standing right in the sunlight, face upturned as it
warmed his face, probably for the first time since he’d been captured. His
fingers were working at the buttons on his jumpsuit, popping them open one by
one until he reached his waist, where he stopped to shrug his arms out of the
sleeves and holy shit. Okay, okay so
he’d been working out or something. No big deal. It was just a little extra
muscle mass. Little extra definition. Just plain old muscles, working under his
skin as he tied the jumpsuit around his waist. And as he reached up to wipe the
sweat and grime from his brow and left his hair a little ruffled in the
process. And as he arched his back and stretched both surprisingly toned arms
over his head, making his vest pop up just a little and reveal a sliver of
equally surprisingly toned midriff.
And okay maybe Todd’s mouth had gone a little dry.
Dirk caught him staring and cocked his head inquisitively. “Todd?”
“Hm?” Todd attempted to sound nonchalant. It came out as
more of a squeak.
“Everything alright? You seem a tad distracted.”
“Yeah, yeah, just…” he cleared his throat. Still dry. “Just
kinda thirsty,” ain’t that the fucking
truth. He reached into his pocket for his wallet, tossing it to Dirk over
the car. “Hey, uh, how ‘bout you go grab us some supplies? Got a long drive
ahead of us.”
“Okay,” Dirk said cheerfully, even as he fumbled the catch.
He wandered over to the store, giving Todd an eyeful of his back and shoulders
and those arms as he went. A good eyeful.
Todd groaned, leaning his forehead against the top of the
car with a light thud.