dirks head


Whether you’re a Dirktective or a Hitchhiker (or a Hitchhiking Dirktective) all you assistfriend froods should be on the look out for the colourful “British” (read: Betelgesuean/Romanian) seeking to lift you out of your boring mundane lives today. 

Thank you Douglas Adams, for the everything.

Originally posted by pursuecrazylife

Let’s be honest, Todd’s gonna kiss Dirk long before Dirk even realizes it’s a possibility.

At some point in the not-so-distant future, after Dirk gets away from Blackwing, after all the CIA heat dies down, after they’ve established their detective agency and have a handful of successful albeit terrifying and life-altering cases under their belt, Todd will, without ever really meaning to, kiss Dirk.

Maybe it’ll come in the middle of a case, their latest near-death experience thrumming in his veins. Or maybe it’ll come at the end of a case, after they’ve all gone out for a celebratory drink, Todd loose and relaxed and genuinely happy. Or maybe it’ll happen in between cases, Dirk bleeding unused energy all over Todd’s flat. It might even happen after a pararibulitis attack, Todd’s skin still tingling from where the Rowdy 3 have drained his energy. It’s not the where or when that matters. What does matter is that it’s always, always Todd who initiates it.

And then promptly realizes what he’s done.

And of course Dirk, who adores Todd, who’s probably been half in love with Todd since his future-self introduced him to Todd, needs only half a second to process the turn of events before he is 110% on board. Unfortunately, that’s just enough time for Todd to change his mind.

Because he’s a shitty friend, but he’s an even worse boyfriend and he doesn’t want to mess up what they have. He certainly doesn’t want to run the risk of ruining the first friendship he’s had in years. He doesn’t want to lose Dirk or leave the comfortable bubble they’ve made for themselves even though Dirk’s pretty much the only person he ever thinks about. Certainly Dirk’s the only person he can really see himself spending the rest of his life with.

None of that’s important, though, because Todd’s an asshole and a screw-up and if there’s anything he can fuck up spectacularly, it’s this.

So he makes excuses.

Except, that’s all they are, excuses, and if anyone can see through Todd’s bullshit it’s Dirk, so Dirk makes it his mission to change Todd’s mind, because now that he knows he can have this he sure is hell isn’t going to back down just because Todd’s got cold feet.

Besides, he has a good feeling about this.

And Todd? Todd doesn’t stand a chance. He didn’t stand a chance when Dirk was obliviously happy calling Todd his BFF. What chance does he have now that Dirk knows? Now that Dirk’s decided the universe wants them together. It’s a battle he’s destined to lose. A battle he’s not even sure he wants to wage.

A battle he’s kind of hoping Dirk wins.

I know a lot of people want some big crossover between dirk gently and the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy but like all I really really really want is the mystery squad taking a trip to the aquarium and Dirk starts humming “So Long And Thanks For All The Fish” even though he had never heard the song

Sometimes I think about that scene at the end of episode one, the one outside the police station, the one where Todd walks away and Dirk watches him go. And he doesn’t understand, because his future self told him this man was going to be his best friend, and yet Todd doesn’t even appear to like him, let alone seem interested in being friends.

So Dirk goes back to his new apartment, alone and lost because Todd was supposed to be his next step, his first step towards solving this case. And he thinks he’s probably missing something because this Todd maybe even hates him so obviously his future self was wrong. And really, he should have known, because people never seem to like him so why would Todd be the exception. The universe takes him where he needs to go, but he is always, always alone.

So he hates that he let himself hope things would be different this time, even if it was only for a minute.  And he resolves to put it from his mind, because there’s no use longing for something he’s never had. Still, it hurts, because he knew he was lonely, but he hadn’t fully registered just how bad it was, not until he ran into a future version of himself; not until he was introduced to the man who would become his best friend. And as much as he hates to admit it, that’s something he’s wanted his entire life. He’s just never really given himself permission to picture it until now. So that night, as he struggles to fall asleep, he’s consumed by emptiness, and for a few brief, panic stricken minutes, he almost feels like he’s back in CIA custody.

And then it’s morning, and his phone is ringing, and even though Dirk doesn’t recognize the number, there’s something about the sound of his ringing phone that slots everything into place.

I think then about the soft look of surprise that must have passed over his features. About the joy he must have experienced hearing Todd’s voice. About how his universe must have aligned; about how he must have felt knowing the future his future self had promised him was once again within his reach.

Mostly, though, I think about the moment he disconnected the call. About how he probably stared at the phone in his hand, torn between incredulity and disbelief. About the slow smile that must have spread across his face, and how quickly it transitioned into a giddy grin. I think about the silent yes he undoubtedly muttered up at the ceiling. About the pure adrenaline fuelled joy that carried him outside.

And then I think about the barely contained excitement he undoubtedly felt when he found Todd waiting for him on the curb.


Did I make some mistakes? Yes. Did I only make mistakes? Yes. But did it all work out? Kind of.

Requested by @greenkey-fandom

Imagine that, during the possible CIA break out, after Amanda, Vogel have reunited with the rest of the Rowdy Three, they find themselves in a corridor; them lined up at one end and, at the other, the unlucky agents who’ve been sent to subdue the Rowdy Three. Just before they begin to attack, one of the agents notices Amanda – there are meant to be four members of the Rowdy Three, not five. Confused, and hoping one of their teammates knows which project Amanda belongs to, an agent shouts, ‘What does she do?’

           Hearing them, Amanda replies, ‘I play the drums!’

           All of the agents are now confused. Can playing the drums be a physic power? If so, how? Are the Rowdy Three actually a punk band? Is Friedkin really that incompetent? How did they get picked for what is definitely the worse assignment ever?

           Meanwhile, the Rowdy Three think that Amanda’s response is the best thing ever (and maybe a band isn’t such a bad idea) and takes it as the sign to charge.

           ‘I play the drums!’ becomes Amanda’s official battle cry.

DGHDA Drabble #2

So basically we’re all fixated on Dirk’s arms in the new set pics yeah? Good. So long as we’re all on the same page.

So because you guys keep making me wanna write stupid irrelevant stuff here’s a dead short lil drabble about Todd being a thirsty bitch and having a minor heart attack when he sees Dirk’s lovely arms. I wrote this in like 20mins to get it out of my head. Enjoy.

“Do you see anyone?”

“No,” Dirk peered through the window over the back of his seat, expression hopeful. “Haven’t for about ten miles or so.”

Todd resisted the urge to sigh in relief- he didn’t want to get too complacent. “Good. We’re gonna need to stop for gas.”

“We’ll be alright if we’re quick,” Dirk sat back comfortably in his seat, beaming at Todd. “Excellent rescue efforts, Todd- went off practically without a hitch!”

Todd could definitely remember one or two hitches, but Dirk was out and that was the main thing. And so were the other Rowdies- although they were currently driving with Amanda and Farah in a different direction, in the hope of throwing off the pursuit. They’d all rendezvous in three days at the safe house Farah had fixed up for them. In the meantime they’d just have to be careful to keep looking over their shoulders.

They happened across a rest stop three miles down the road, and Todd pulled up to the pump. He got out of the car and started filling up the tank without even being asked- maybe Dirk was right, maybe he was fucking programmed to assist. Although where he came from people just called it ‘being helpful’.

“Lovely day!” Dirk said from somewhere on the other side of the car. “Wonderful day to be free- although I suppose any day would be a wonderful day to be free. God, it is scorching. Don’t get temperatures like this in England. Just as well, I suppose, not many places fitted with air conditioning. If we got a heatwave like this an awful lot of people would spontaneously combust. I had a case like that once, actually- did I ever tell you about the Hobgoblin? The arsonist, not the mythological creature. Or the ale.”

“Or the Spiderman villain?” Todd chuckled, glancing up. “Rings a bell, but…”

He trailed off, blinking dazedly at the sight that greeted him across the car roof.

Dirk was standing right in the sunlight, face upturned as it warmed his face, probably for the first time since he’d been captured. His fingers were working at the buttons on his jumpsuit, popping them open one by one until he reached his waist, where he stopped to shrug his arms out of the sleeves and holy shit. Okay, okay so he’d been working out or something. No big deal. It was just a little extra muscle mass. Little extra definition. Just plain old muscles, working under his skin as he tied the jumpsuit around his waist. And as he reached up to wipe the sweat and grime from his brow and left his hair a little ruffled in the process. And as he arched his back and stretched both surprisingly toned arms over his head, making his vest pop up just a little and reveal a sliver of equally surprisingly toned midriff.

And okay maybe Todd’s mouth had gone a little dry.

Dirk caught him staring and cocked his head inquisitively. “Todd?”

“Hm?” Todd attempted to sound nonchalant. It came out as more of a squeak.

“Everything alright? You seem a tad distracted.”

“Yeah, yeah, just…” he cleared his throat. Still dry. “Just kinda thirsty,” ain’t that the fucking truth. He reached into his pocket for his wallet, tossing it to Dirk over the car. “Hey, uh, how ‘bout you go grab us some supplies? Got a long drive ahead of us.”

“Okay,” Dirk said cheerfully, even as he fumbled the catch. He wandered over to the store, giving Todd an eyeful of his back and shoulders and those arms as he went. A good eyeful.

Todd groaned, leaning his forehead against the top of the car with a light thud.

Yeah, it was going to be a very long drive.

the signs as vintage homestuck Discourse™
  • aries: Will His Name Be Dick (ALT: dirk and jake's matching tattoos)
  • taurus: hussie is a misogynist because caliborn is a misogynist and therefore this entire comic is misogynistic
  • gemini: what if rosemary is actually a kismessitude (ALT: dirk's sexuality)
  • cancer: angry feminist bro strider
  • leo: did hussie use all $2,485,506 of the kickstarter money to buy a grand royal family white horse
  • virgo: EB: i am not a homosexual.
  • libra: dante basco liveblogging the entirety of homestuck while drinking and later becoming a fandom kingpin
  • scorpio: all those cosplayers sitting at the fancy restaurant and spitting in a bucket (ALT: fat vriska & the vriscourse)
  • sagittarius: tentabulges
  • capricorn: PEACHY!!!!!!!! (or "there's nothing wrong with having exclusively white kid headcanons, you racists!")
  • aquarius: is john homophobic for thinking it was gross when jake macked on dirk's decapitated head
  • pisces: cosplayers apparently leaving hotel bathtubs full of crusted dry grey paint and sealing their makeup with hairspray

theyre thousands of feet above the sea, and this is all i could think of

im love this au thanks arc for the heart attack at sea :)