dirk diamonds

Mum: You never go out!

Me: Urm, I was out yesterday with Kim, but then freaking Willow Pape called me ratchet because she thought that I was flirting with her D-list boyfriend, Dirk Diamonds, What kind of a name is that?! So we had to sort it all out with Simon and he was trying to be all cool like saying Yolo but just no so I ended up having a shoot because Simon never stops calling.

Mum: ….Oh…. Who’s this Willow?

Me: Eurgh I don’t even know she just hates me Kim for no reason because she’s jel because her boyfriend flirts with everyone except for her and her hair is a birds next.

Mum: and who’s Kim? You’ve never spoken of her before?

Me: OMG MUM KIM KARDASHIAN JFC.

Mum: *Backs away* You need help….

listen here bitch.
I have spent so much damn money on you. It’s almost as if our entire relationship relies on me spending over $1000 on a date. You can’t tell me we’re fucking “drifting apart” because i haven’t been on a date with you in the last 24 hours. WE SHARE A FUCKING APARTMENT. YOU CAN’T BREAK IT OFF LIKE THIS. FUCK YOU STEVEN MURPHY. FUCK YOU. AND IF YOU’RE LEAVING ME FOR FUCKING DIRK DIAMONDS OR WILLOW PAPE FUCK YOU EVEN MORE.