Toddlers of Night Vale! The Night Vale Community Pre-School invites you to fulfill your potential! Commit to a new and demanding educational curriculum, while exploring your ultimate dream – the same dream that every toddler has: economic opportunity. That’s right! You too can learn to be a chimney sweep. Clean the many, many chimneys of leading citizen – and friendly billionaire – Marcus Vansten. What a good man Marcus Vansten is!
Every one of his houses, from his smallest penthouse apartment atop the dirigible hangar, to his 46-room hilltop estate, has multiple chimneys. He has built chimneys even in places where he has no houses, so his well-deserved carbon credits can go to good use. There are numerous chimneys on his shopping mall, his office buildings, his dirigible, his moon rock-plated recreational vehicles, and – due to new and creative laws that allow imminent domain for the generous Marcus Vansten – every other house in town as well.
He has strapped traveling chimneys onto the pushcarts of festive peddlers, whose rags, hunched shoulders, nagging coughs, and forced tin-whistle merriment accompany the sad antics of their emaciated vest and marching band cap-wearing capuchin monkeys holding tin cups, rattling with a single penny from some defunct, outmoded currency, asking us to contribute to their upkeep, as we turn up our collars, clear our throats, and make convenient excuses to walk a little faster until, instead of embarrassment about their fates, we find our way to feeling superior about our fragile position on the economic ladder.
Marcus Vansten understands. He doesn’t want you to be a lowly peddler! Or a capuchin monkey! He wants you to be a chimney sweep.
So, little ones, lower your standards! Smother your dreams in carbon, and enroll in the Pre-School Chimney Sweep Academy. Make good-old Marcus Vansten happy, for a few brief moments.