Trashy child, trashy mom, trashy yard!
Okay so buckle up as I unwind a marvelous tale of revenge, lust, betrayal and MURDER! Okay, maybe just some petty revenge. On mobile.
Now look here. I live in a nice residential neighborhood. We are the only college students in a sea of families. Because of this I make a point to be respectful to these families. No raging parties, just the occasional bonfire. Not midnight screaming match with the boyf. No loud sex noises. All in all, best college neighbors ever.
However, there is the one woman who is always just a jerk. About once a calender season, her and her boyfriend have screaming matches in the street between 2-4am. And I don’t mean they fight for 2 hours straight and I could walk out and yell at them. I am the kind of person who would do that. Instead they fight, usually about her cheating??? Then walk a few blocks down, I fall asleep then they come back just as I drift off. But you know what, I don’t know her life. I let it slide.
But this dickfuzz of a woman also has a child. She yells at him a lot but never at night. Again not my problem. Until yesterday. Little heathen is prancing around my yard picking dandelions. Cool little man, do you. But no, I forgot this SOB is a the hell spawn that even Satan didn’t want to own up to making. Out of nowhere kicks the full trash can awaiting pick up into my yard.
This is not a bump oh noooo situation. Little beast flat round house kicked it sent everything flying. I was in clear view on the porch at this point enjoying an after dinner coffee and I rightfully contain any swearing. Instead I say, “what are you doing? Pick that up!”
Not even a sorry as the kid dashes away to his house. I get up to cross the street to knock on his door and Noone answers. I know his mother is home, her car is there and TV was on. But hey, maybe not. I’m not breaking down the door to find out. I pick up my trash and toss it back into the can and continue on with my night.
Little did I know, the boyf threw out the cat food my cat didn’t like. I was unaware it still had food in it, which then scattered into my yard. Cue me waking up the next morning getting ready to rush to class when BAM trash EVERYWHERE!!! Just as the garbage men drive by with a apologetic look.
As I look sadly at the scattered dreams, a neighbor sitting on her porch calls out. Said she thought she had heard raccoons last night then a bang. This is very likely since there was a trail of cat food leading up to a treasure trove of raccoon snacks. Well, time to skip class to clean up since I’m being watched.
Now my boy and I cook a lot. We always throw out our left overs from the week on garbage night. Last night when I cleaned it up it was still a bit cold. But now, it has been baking in the unseasonably warm can and has festered. Nasty gross uck. Plus it has to go back behind my house until next week. Suddenly the kids mother appears and starts outright whining about how college kids are so inconsiderate, never take care of their yards, litter, ect.
Okay. Losing patience, but maybe she didn’t know. I calmly explain what happened yesterday and how it most likely factored into the events of the morning. (Never had raccoon problems ever) I didn’t even solely blame her kid, even though it only happened because of Deathwing Jr.
She just goes on a tiraide about how it couldn’t be her flame imp of a child. How my yard always looked like this and I was just trying to blame it on her kid. (Like really? I’ve always had bacon fat crusted boxes hanging out in my yard?) And how she’s glad someone finally made me pick it up but if I don’t stop involving her child she would report me to the HOA. (Uh, we don’t have one? ) She proceeded to complain as crossed the street while unfortunately not being hit by a car.
Alright. Long fuse, big bomb. I silently pick up the rest of the crap and ignore the neighbors comments about what a horrid woman she was. Instead I begin plotting.
You see the trench swan has a baby. And I see her take out the trash at least once a night, with what I am assume are stink bombs of diapers. As soon as night falls I enact my plan. I grab a handful of cat TREATS! Racoon go bonkers for them. And make a small invisible trail to her trash can in the alley. I even prop open the lid with a stick. I’m barely out of sight when I see the first set of reflective eyes.
This morning I was woken up much happier at 7am to her screaming about all raccoons needing to be shot. (Hey now, they’re just trying to eat.) Take a peak and they had not only thrown the dirty diapers and other trash all over the alley but also dragged it all over the right side of her front yard. Took her 2 hours to clean up after the hour of complaining while standing in dirty diaper scent range hoping a neighbor would help her. Eventually made the kid come out to help, (why is he not in school, like it’s a freaking Thursday) now he knew, but there isnt a damn thing he can do about it. Just gave me the evil eye while i sat on the porch. That was a good cup of coffee.
I will continue to do this every few nights until the next trash day. So maybe a solid more times. Plus, raccoons get a nice snack. I just hope I remember to bring snacks next time.
TLDR; Brat knocked over my trash can, I cleaned up but raccoons knocked it over again due to his roundhouse kick. Mom then complained about the trash in my yard as I was cleaning it up. Baited their diaper filled trash for prime racoon attack. It worked. Diapers everywhere. Got to watch them clean up.
Note: if they put out traps I will cancel the plan and disable the traps. No need for our furry scavengers to get hurt.
UPDATE TIME: Tried to do it again last night. Wanted to scope out the area. Diner squall is sitting on the porch in the dark muttering in the dark to her boyfriend? I haven’t seen them throw out any trash yet. No sign of raccoons either. Will update when I see them throw out something and reenact the plan.
LAST UPDATE: So I’m too busy to maintain this thread or my revenge. My petty fire has died. Saw her throw out a diaper genie bag last night. (Ew) called on the coons one last time. Was messy as hell when I went to bed at 1 last night. Cleaned up the morning. For good measure when I saw her come home today after my classes she looked dead tired. I am amused. Goodbye!