digested children


The Audio from the Jungle Cruise’s Queue

I’m obsessed with it, but even after working there for a year, I wasn’t able to catch everything that Albert AWOL says. So here’s a complete transcript.

This post will be TL;DR for most. If you’re a freak like me, it will be a delightful read. Either way, sorry!

“Here Comes My Ball and Chain,” by the Coon-Sanders Nighthawks

This is Skipper Albert AWOL, the Voice of the Jungle, broadcasting on the DBC to all points unknown! If you’re within the sound of my voice, you are listening to AWOL Airwaves on the DBC.

And now, here’s today’s river tip from Skipper Bill of the Congo Connie. Bill says, “If it rains in the jungle, who cares? That’s why they call it a rainforest!” Thanks, Bill.

Any travelers who may need to exchange foreign currency during their voyage needn’t worry. There are banks all along our rivers.

In addition to beautiful Malaysia, Burma, Siam, and Cambodia, Lotus Tours offers two new destinations: Boston and French Lick, Indiana!

…that can’t be right…!

Uh, correction: that’s “Borneo” and “French Indochina.” Bookings may be made at any travel office within a thousand miles of this jungle outpost.

Attention, Skippers! If you’re looking for some variety and need to log extra time at the wheel, another group of…uh…“volunteers” is being shanghaied for nighttime excursions down the Congo. These fascinating cruises through total darkness can be both exhilarating and unpredictable!

All Skippers should take note of the following changes along the Jungle Cruise rivers.

First, it is no longer considered sporty to hold small children over the edge of the boat while traveling through the hippo pool. Contrary to popular belief, this does not stop their ears from wiggling! (That’s the hippos of course, not the children.)

Second, due to the fact that a boatload of passengers onboard Zambesi Zelda entered a Cambodian ruin and failed to come out, any and all temple ruins are now off limits to your cruise!

And finally, passengers requesting extended tours should be referred directly to the Booking Office where they will receive immediate medical treatment.

“With Plenty of Money and You,” by Dick Powell

All Skippers-in-Training are required to wear a leopard hatband, so travelers at dockside will know not to board your boats.

We know that communicating on the jungle rivers can be difficult at times, so we’re always glad to pass along warm personal greetings from one Skipper to another! Here’s one now from the Skipper of the Senegal Sal to the Skipper of Irrawaddy Irma: “If you can’t drive, stay off the river.” Isn’t that nice?

Attention, Skippers: don’t forget to submit your entries for the “Maim the Croc…” Eh, correction, that’s “NAME the Crocodile” contest. The winner will receive a one-week, all-expenses-paid cruise for one on the jungle river of his choice!

“Jeepers, Creepers” by Louis Armstrong

For safety reasons, all passengers are asked not to feed any animals that may approach your vessel before, during, or after the Jungle Cruise, including the ravenous guides working at the Unload Dock. Thank you.

Friday night’s Jungle River Movie–Tarzan and Me–has been canceled due to the fact that those pesky gorillas have once again borrowed our projector. Any Skipper interested in retrieving the projector will receive a free day’s ration of Banana Bits: the dried fruit of choice among all Jungle Cruise Skippers!

Equatorial Expeditions presents: the Route of the Lost Queen! Two- and three-week journeys are available on a “first come, you must go” basis. Interested parties should contact I.L. Befair at the Office of the Interior.

Mating season has begun at the African elephant staging grounds. All boats are cautioned to use extreme care when traveling through this part of the jungle.

Attention, all Skippers! Tomorrow night’s bachelor party for Skipper Carl–originally scheduled for the African elephant staging grounds–will now be held at the Indian elephant pool. Proper swimwear is mandatory.

“Yes, Yes” by Ambrose with Sam Brown and the Carlyle Cousins

Instructions on how to dock a half-sunken boat will be given this Tuesday morning at Loading Dock Number One. Due to reasons that are more than obvious, these maneuvers will not be open to the public.

Skippers, we have yet to receive any entries for our “Name the Crocodile” contest. Besides a one-week, all-expenses-paid cruise for one on the jungle river of your choice, you will also now receive one slightly used pygmy war canoe! Enter today. Please.

Attention, Skippers: please urge your passengers to disembark on the starboard side of the boat. That’s the side closest to the dock…IF you pull in bow-first.

Attention, passengers: please urge your Skippers to pull into the dock bow-first.

Last week, the River Pilot’s License Test was given to thirty Jungle Cruise Skippers. Congratulations to all those who passed! The remaining twenty-nine pilots may take the test again next month.

May I have your attention, please? If anyone has located a large uncut diamond–weighing approximately sixteen carats–will you please return it to the Lost and Found area? (Pfft, right.)

“Song of India” by Paul Whiteman and His Orchestra

Roam the plains of Africa, India, Ceylon, and Persia with experienced expeditioners! See the rare and unusual from the perch of a pachyderm! Join the Elephant Safari Company as they search for lions, tigers, and bears! (Oh, my!)

Due to capacity limitations on the Jungle Cruise boats, parties of thirty-three should consider dividing their group into two groups of sixteen-and-a-half each.

Here’s today’s Jungle Trivia Questions! One, “What is the correct response when confronted by a crazed charging elephant?” and Two, “How many gorillas does it take to destroy a base camp?” Stay tuned!

Attention, all Skippers! Due to an increase in piranha activity along the rivers, you are now required to update the “Missing Persons” board at the end of each cruise.

Attention, all travelers! If your name is added to the “Missing Persons” list at the end of your cruise, please accept in advance our most sincere apologies! Thank you.

“It’s the Girl” by the Boswell Sisters

Jungle Skippers: don’t forget to keep extra oars handy on your ship! That way you won’t find yourself stranded up the river without a paddle!

For safety reasons, individuals are not allowed to take home pets which have been collected while on the Jungle Cruise.

And now today’s survival tip: when confronted by a charging rhino, head for the nearest tree and climb fast! Failure to follow these instructions may result in pointed confrontations.

Congratulations to our dockside crew, who won their first cricket match of the season. We understand it was an overwhelming victory!

(A what? A forfeit?)

And next week–when the opposing team shows up–I am sure they’ll do just as well!

“Rhythm King” by the Coon-Sanders Nighthawks

Come drift into an era of kings and golden idols! Discover what you would have never missed if you had never seen it in the first place! It’s another amazing Amazonian river fantasy from the Jungle Navigation Company!

Listen up, Skippers! Your chance to enter the “Name the Crocodile” contest is just about over. Come on, fellas! Not only will you win a one-week, all-expenses-paid cruise for one on the jungle river of your choice, and one slightly used pygmy war canoe, but you’ll also now get–absolutely free–a full volume set of “Teach Yourself Swahili” just for entering!

Remember, “Wasio na hofu” is Swahili for “They who have no fear.” And “Matoi mbuzi katikka nyumba um teea katikka kebanda chakke” means “Take the goat out of the house and put it in its shed.”

All boat captains, please be advised that there have been several reports of aggressive butterflies along the inner banks of the Amazon River. Three guests have reported minor confrontations. To minimize the chance of future injuries, Butterfly Repellent is strongly recommended!

Attention, all passengers! Attention, all passengers! A rather large leopard has recently been seen in the vicinity! The animal can be identified by its razor-sharp teeth, long menacing claws, and a loud ferocious growl. If spotted, please contact the local authorities immediately.

The leopard snarls in the background.

Oh, dear. Uhh, never mind. We seem to have found him!

The leopard roars.

…nice pussycat…!

“Love is Good for Anything That Ails You” by Ida Sue McCune

And now, here are the answers to our Jungle Trivia Questions! The correct response to a crazed charging elephant is, “Auuugh! Auuuuugh!” and it takes an average of eight minutes for a family of gorillas to destroy a typical base camp.

Will the owner of a blue jeep, license number…uh, well, it doesn’t have a license plate. At least, not anymore! Will the owner please contact the office of the Minister of Transportation immediately? Your vehicle has…turned up at a nearby base camp.

This is Skipper Albert AWOL, the Voice of the Jungle, broadcasting on the DBC to all points unknown! If you’re within the sound of my voice, you are listening to AWOL Airwaves on the DBC.

“Harlem River Quiver” by Duke Ellington

The DBC is proud–and financially pleased–to welcome a new sponsor to the AWOL Airwaves! It’s Aero Casablanca! As an introductory offer, all Jungle Cruise personnel will receive discounted fares on Aero Casablanca’s Belgian Congo River tour. All flights must be booked at least two minutes in advance of takeoff and stays in the Congo region must be for a minimum of twenty-five years. Fly the skies of Aero Casablanca: the airline no one comes back on!

All travelers should be aware that herds of elephants have been seen bathing in several regions of the Mekong River. Since these animals have been known to spray water at passing boats, you are advised to wear the appropriate attire. Or bring an umbrella.

Recent reports of giant pythons have been greatly exaggerated! These reptiles cannot digest children weighing over sixty pounds in a single bite! The largest child they can consume at any one time would have to weigh less than forty-five pounds.

Attention! Will the Skipper of the Nile Nellie please move your vessel? You’re docked in a No-Floating Zone.

The previously announced “Name the Crocodile” contest has been suspended due to an acute shortage of entries. If anyone has any ideas about naming our pet croc, please drop them off at the Office Depot! Not to worry; you won’t have to accept any of the prizes.

Now available: one full volume set of “Teach Yourself Swahili!” Yours, just for the asking, at the Office Depot!

“What a Girl, What a Night” by the Coon-Sanders Nighthawks

Due to local monsoons, the demonstration on how to waterproof your vessel has been rained out.

Here’s a message from Sir Henry Morton Stanley to…I…I can’t quite make out this name. It’s “Dr. Livingston,” I presume? Please meet Sir Stanley at the falls.

This week’s Special Guest Skipper is Admiral Bartholomew Wrongway! Admiral Wrongway will be piloting several excursions into the deepest, most dangerous regions of the Congo! Since the Admiral is new to the area–and as such, quite unfamiliar with our waterways–it is recommended that you steer clear of his vessel.

In keeping with jungle tradition, all guests now waiting in line to board Jungle Cruise boats are urged to raise their hands high above their heads and imitate the sounds of their favorite jungle animals!

Will Colonel Williamso–

AWOL coughs.

Excuse me. Uh-hem. I seem to have something in my throat!

AWOL clears his throat until it culminates in a Tarzan yell.

Much better! Will Colonel Williamson please report to the Minister General’s office? Thank you.

“Diga Diga Doo” by Duke Ellington

Rivers of the Pharaohs: excursions to the land that time forgot…and so will you. Sign up today for the adventure of someone else’s lifetime.

We’d like to thank the headmaster at the Library of Lost American Melodies in Minous for supplying us with this fine assortment of music for our dockside entertainment.

The Docking Zone is for loading and unloading only.

The Loading Zone is for docking purposes only.

The Unloading Zone is for purposes unlike those of the Loading and Docking Zones.

Any passengers with experience in piloting a riverboat should give their name to the Skipper upon boarding. (Just in case.)

In the world of science, recent research has uncovered the fact that certain species of crocodiles are repelled by brightly colored clothing!

As a reminder: passengers traveling on the Nile should consider wearing brightly colored clothing during their cruise.

Anything Goes Selections” by the Paul Whiteman Orchestra, Ramona Healy, and Hauser Laurence

Fishing from the sides of the Jungle Cruise boats is strictly prohibited. (Unless of course you happen to be fishing a relative out of the crocodile-infested waters of the Nile River.)

If your vessel needs repairs, please see our mechanic, located at the Boat Storage area. It is not proper to remove parts from other Skippers’ boats. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated.

Doctor Hugo Squirtum’s popular pachyderm lecture series will continue on Saturday night at the Jungle Trading Post. This week’s lecture, “Elephant Trunks: Part Drinking Straw, Part Water Pistol,” will focus on the many ways elephants use their flexible appendage for nourishment, skin care, and friendly contact!

“Let’s Misbehave” by Irving Aaronson and His Commanders

Those individuals waiting in line for the Annual Platypus Sightseeing Expedition should check in with the Booking Office immediately! Someone made a rather nasty mistake on your vacation destination. Sorry!

Attention, children: please be advised that there are reports of wild adults roaming the area! Thank you.

Skippers: only animals–not guests–are permitted to graze while in the rainforest.

Will the Jungle Cruise Skipper in khaki fatigues please report to the boat storage area? I’m sorry, let me clarify that: the Jungle Cruise Skipper in khaki fatigues working on the dock wearing the neat-looking hat and black walking shoes, answering to “Hey, You!” please report to the boat storage area.

“Painting the Clouds with Sunshine” by the Jack Hylton Orchestra

Here’s a helpful hint for all would-be jungle explorers! When observing wildlife in this region, it is important to blend in with the natural surroundings. That means remaining still while trying to look as green as possible.

If anyone sees the Skipper of the Orinoco Ida, please tell him that his last group of passengers has just returned to the dock with his boat.

Will the individual who left a box of small furry things by the Purser’s Office please come to reclaim them? They seem to be quite hungry.

The winning entrée from this month’s cooking competition is bamboo stew with shredded vine stems. Skipper Doug–our floating gourmet–recently tried this unusual dish and told us, “It tastes like chicken!” He was quick to add however, “So does everything else we cook around here.” Thanks, Doug.

“The Mooche” by Duke Ellington

Attention, navigators! Revised maps of the jungle areas have been completed, and should arrive the day after tomorrow, if the courier can find his way here.

Will world famous paleontologist, Dr. Cornelius Bifocal, please return the dinosaur coloring book–and crayons–he borrowed from the Dispatch Office?

Due to a recent outpouring of rain in our area, the Nile River is extremely wet today. Please drive slowly!

Guests arriving at dockside for the Jungle Cruise must check their baggage with the dockmaster. This includes all wild animals and children under the age of five.

Passengers returning from the jungle are advised to hold their baggage claim tickets until all belongs have been secured. Guests not returning needn’t worry about it.

Attention, all Skippers: several well-known photojournalists will be boarding our boats today for photographic studies of the region. However, in order to minimize any disruption of our tours, they will be disguised as local tourists. If you should happen to spot one, please do not ask for autographs.

“The King’s Horses and the King’s Men” by the Jack Hylton Orchestra

Individuals taking excursions into the Congo should provide their own drinking water and rations, since snacks will not be served.

Since our weekly shipment of tea has been delayed, papaya juice will now be served at the four o'clock hour. As always, day-old crumpets will still be available!

All crew members should secure a spot in the bunkhouse as soon as possible! And remember, if you walk in your sleep, don’t forget to don your bathing cap before retiring this evening.

For sale: late model war canoe. Hand-carved wood interior, dual paddles, and naturally air-conditioned! Interested parties should respond through the grapevine.

i am making this post mostly as a reminder to myself but one of my resolutions in 2013 was to read at least one book a month and i gave up on that literally in like january but i think i want to try it again

Classic SOD Cover Date: May 27, 2008

Darnell Williams & Debbi Morgan (Jesse & Angie, ALL MY CHILDREN)
(top inset) Bryan Dattilo, Alison Sweeney, & James Scott (Lucas, Sami, & EJ, DAYS OF OUR LIVES)
(bottom top inset) Joseph Mascolo (Stefano, DAYS OF OUR LIVES)
(bottom inset) Tony Geary (Luke, GENERAL HOSPITAL)

Classic SOD Cover Date: April 15, 2008

Rebecca Herbst & Steve Burton (Elizabeth & Jason, GENERAL HOSPITAL)
(top) Noelle Beck & Martha Byrne (Lily & ex-Lily, AS THE WORLD TURNS)
(center insets) Finola Hughes (Anna, GENERAL HOSPITAL) & Cady McClain (Dixie, ALL MY CHILDREN)
(bottom left) Christel Khalil (Lily, THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS)

Classic SOD Cover Date: February 26, 2008

Deidre Hall & Drake Hogestyn (Marlena & John, DAYS OF OUR LIVES)
(center insets) Arianne Zuker & Patsy Pease (Nicole & Kimberly, DAYS OF OUR LIVES)
(left top inset) Darnell Williams (Jesse, ALL MY CHILDREN)
(left bottom inset) Sarah Brown (Claudia, GENERAL HOSPITAL)

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