weaglerock  asked:

For the meme: Caps, and I'm in a silly mood, so "Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born/ You're never gonna see no unicorns." (If that doesn't work, I was originally going to give you something from Death & The Lady, but I couldn't find a good 2 lines.)

“You think this will work?” Nicky asks.

No, Braden thinks.

“Is gonna work,” Ovi says, leading the way around the back of the house. “Obviously. No problem.”

Nicky’s familiar is a rat, perfectly white and perfectly behaved; he brings it everywhere. It sits on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, way better behaved than Orpik’s familiar, which is an actual fucking parrot and impossible to bring out around people.

Braden’s familiar is Doris, and, like a normal person, he leaves her at home.

Also, she weighs 3 tons and he had to buy a farm for her to live on, but the point stands. Braden was raised by civil people, people like — like Trotz and Brooks Laich, who leave their sea otters and flying squirrels at home in peace, people who don’t let fur and feathers pile up in the corners of the locker room, people who don’t sneak into their teammates’ houses to surprise them.

Nate has never once brought his familiar to the rink or any event, which only makes Braden feel even worse for breaking into his tasteful suburban split-level ranch.

“Is for birthday,” Ovi says, catching Braden’s opaque look. Braden blinks and tries to make his face even more impassive.

“He’s never invited us over,” Braden says as Mike slowly, slowly opens the back gate. “Don’t you think —”

“Uh,” Nicky says.

“What,” Mike says.

Vad fan?” Andre says.

It looks — it looks angry, hideously, wildly angry, and also completely made-up, like a hallucination except with murder in its eyes, its perfect sunshine eyes. 

Braden is going to die in Nate Schmidt’s backyard and no one’s even going to believe the eyewitnesses.

“Well,” Ovi says, as the unicorn stomps one gleaming silver hoof, digging up the turf like a thresher, “guess we gonna go in front door now.”

(from the irish rovers’ unicorn song)