die someday

i love comforting nihilism. who cares, we’re all gonna die. eat that cake. buy that eyeshadow. be nice to people. you dont owe the world shit. the stars dont care about what we do. give anyway because why spend your eighty years on this rock miserable and making other people miserable. the sun is going to blow up and we’re all gonna die someday. make the most of what time you do have. use the fine china for taco night and microwave lunch. smell the flowers. tell a stranger they are beautiful. 

Mom, my depression is a shape shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
The next, it’s the bear.
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
I call the bad days: “the Dark Days.”
Mom says, “Try lighting candles.”
When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame,
Sparks of a memory younger than noon.
I am standing beside her open casket.
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die.
Besides Mom, I’m not afraid of the dark.
Perhaps, that’s part of the problem.
Mom says, “I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.”
I can’t.
Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.
Mom says, “Where did anxiety come from?”
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out-of-town depression felt obligated to bring to the party.
Mom, I am the party.
Only I am a party I don’t want to be at.
Mom says, “Why don’t you try going to actual parties, see your friends?”
Sure, I make plans. I make plans but I don’t want to go.
I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go.
It’s just not that fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun, Mom.
You see, Mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
Mom says, “Try counting sheep.”
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake;
So I go for walks; but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists.
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in.
Mom says, “Happy is a decision.”
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg.
My happy is a high fever that will break.
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat-out asks me if I am afraid of dying.
No.
I am afraid of living.
Mom, I am lonely.
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely —
The lonely into busy;
So when I tell you, “I’ve been super busy lately,” I mean I’ve been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed.
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat,
But I am a careless tourist here.
I will never truly know everywhere I have been.
Mom still doesn’t understand.
Mom! Can’t you see that neither can I?
—  “Explaining My Depression to My Mother: A Conversation” by Sabrina Benaim
3

One Piece ワンピース [Water 07 Saga / Enies Lobby Arc] : Cipher Pol Number 09 (CP9) vs The Straw Hat Pirates

Nico Robin : “First with Aokiji..and now, I’ve involved you twice! If this is to continue forever, no matter how kind and compassionate you all are…someday, it will be too much of a burden. Someday, you’ll betray me and cast me aside! That’s my greatest fear.. That’s why I didn’t want you to come rescue me! If I’m going to die someday anyway..I want to die here! 
Chief Spandam : “I see, that makes perfect sense! Hahaha! Look at that symbol Straw Hats! It represents the unity of more than 170 nations…it represents the World! Do you realize how frivolous your resistance is?! Do you understand the sheer power of the organization that is after this one woman?!
Captain “Straw Hat” Luffy : “I totally get who Robin’s enemy is. Sogeking. Shoot down that flag.
“Sogeking” Usopp : “Roger. Hissatsu Firebird Star!”
Chief Spandam : Are you crazy?! Do you really think you can survive now that the entire world is your enemy??
Captain “Straw Hat” Luffy : “Bring it on!! Robin! I still haven’t heard it from your lips! Say that you want to live!!”
Nico Robin : *Live? I didn’t think I could wish for that. No one..ever allowed me to wish it. If it’s really okay..to make one little wish..I..*  “I WANT TO LIVE!!”
Captain “Straw Hat” Luffy : *heh* “Let’s go!”

A.U. where CP9 are secret paramilitary police like the Nazi SS & the Straw Hats are a (gang) crew in high school. My 2nd all-time favorite moment in One Piece! The Water 07 Saga was a superbly written storyline in OP. The twist of the Cipher Pol Number 09 members, the story of Cutty Flam & Shipwright Tom, and the clashes between the two groups blew me away. The Enies Lobby arc also revealed the Straw Hats in their peak conditions, very similar to the “Sasuke Recovery Mission Arc” from Naruto, these are my favorite kinds of arcs when you get to see many key characters fight to their full potential. Nico Robin was such a beautifully written character and her backstory was precious. I’m kind of sad to see her thrown on the backlines in the New World because she deserves better. Also, Sogeking was a huge development for Usopp, really pushed his character forward in the series. And of course, Blueno vs Luffy & Rob Lucci vs Luffy were some of the best fights in the series. Gear 2nd!

: Haikyuu!! - Makko Shobu

“Cry Followup”, or “See A Doctor! The Musical”

I got sad. A doctor recommended that I go off my anxiety meds because they might be interfering with a bunch of other health issues. I did. It wasn’t good.

I tapered off for months and dealt with the withdrawal symptoms. When they were gone, I felt ok for a few weeks. Then I was easily irritated and sometimes angry. Then weird feelings started to creep in. I guess it was just dread. Maybe it was weird to just be feeling anything after being numbed on meds for so long. I started crying watching movies sometimes or thinking about whatever the fuck. I started getting really sad. Eventually I would cry everyday, sometimes for multiple sessions. It’s strange to think back on that now that I’m safely numbed to fuck again.

My grandfather had died about 8 months earlier and I thought I had emotionally exhausted that, but now it was back and I dwelt on it constantly. I thought of dying with an urgency that I couldn’t distract myself from. I thought of everyone I knew dying. It felt like time was an illusion and it wouldn’t be long until I’m standing beside their open coffins, reflecting on how quickly time had passed and now they’re gone and I’d wasted time not spending more time with them.

Most days I’d just wake up and lie there for hours. I’d try to look at things on my phone to try to distract myself. Snapchat was fun for that. Christ, so was Miitomo. I wouldn’t get any work done. It was difficult to focus and overcome the feeling in my gut of being pulled down and the constant present terror feelings of death and knowing this whole experience will be gone some day, but before that, I’ll watch everyone I know leave too. For a long time, I don’t think I really connected that it was my absence of meds that was doing this to me. I thought maybe it was just circumstances and some kind of Holmes-Rahe scale thing where a bunch of life events happening at once were stacking and compounding my depression feelings. There was no way to win against it and this kind of thing encourages you to not to the things that will typically pull you out of a depression. It makes you want to seclude yourself more and work on further diminishing your self-worth mentally. Instead of seeing friends or doing activities you enjoy, you convince yourself that you’re a burden to them, they don’t really want to see you anyway, and that something bad is going to happen if you go out and do anything. For so many fucking days I just laid there. That makes your depression even worse; your lack of productivity frustrates you and makes you hate yourself. All that wasted time boils your living asshole. It’s a paralysis and you don’t know why you can’t break out of it. You can’t just go into the other room and sit at your computer and do your work. Brains are incredible. Just a bit of absence from a certain chemical changes everything. Of course, you tell yourself things like this, that it’s not really you and that it’s just a biological ineptitude temporarily and that everything will be fine soon enough, but that doesn’t help at all.

That’s the other thing: you don’t feel like this will ever end. This is who you are now. A fucking shrivelled terrified cryhole. I did feel terror quite a few times during all this. It usually gets you when you wake up or try to go to sleep. Everything is still and You are going to fucking die someday, sooner than you think and You have wasted every moment of your life so far blast in your mind and your heart pounds, you can barely breathe, and you might even suddenly groan as panic waves hit your brain in an instant. There’s a terror in knowing there’s no relief from this; that all of these things are true and for some reason you believed the illusion your whole life and weren’t always in the perfect terror about it that you are now. Still, you beg for that trick to come back, to be able to put this mindset away and believe in the stupid shit we tell ourselves just to keep existing in some kind of calm. All these thoughts keep assaulting you with some kind of biological urgency, like you need to figure this problem out immediately or you die. This is what being on chemicals to help your brain for years and then suddenly going off them is like. Your body doesn’t know what the fuck. It’s weird to not give a shit about any of this and then suddenly imperatively have to give a shit about it and be unable to escape it. Even now when I’m in the clear, I still feel its background noise. Maybe I always will from now on. This whole thing has been a Paul on the road to Damascus type ordeal.

I fucking cried watching the new X-Files episodes, my dude. Probably during each one. That’s what it was fucking like. Imagine being in your late ass twenties and something in the X-Files makes you cry because you think of a squandered opportunity, or what you should or shouldn’t have done as a kid, or wishing you had put more effort into certain relationships with family or friends. It just finds anything to grab onto and get you with. You just have a dragging feeling constantly present and looking for things to attach to and convince you you’re sad about. Frankly, it’s fucking annoying. I cried one time because a nintendo phone app was enthusiastic about sharing my character’s picture with others. Just the fact that someone would have an interest in who I am and treat me like a normal person and want to share something about me with other terrible avatars made me cry as I was playing this thing and trying to take a shit. It made me think about my own self-worth and how long I thought there was no reason anyone should give a fuck. Cripe, one time I was almost screaming crying about my best friend who died when we were 11. It was like a fresh wound again and I was lying facedown on my bed wailing like an asshole. Depression can fuck with you.

So, this got pretty bad and I decided I had to see my GP about it. This can become a battle in itself, because past a certain point, you are convinced you aren’t worth the effort and that you’re a burden to have to deal with, and someone else could use that time to see the doctor instead. It gives you any reason to turn yourself down. I cried right away talking to my doctor. All this is really weird to reflect on; I was an entirely different person then. It was like a frantic sadness, an inability to just hold your shit together for even a few minutes. The impending terror was really pressing; a constant urgent anxiety that something bad is going to happen really soon, or that I’m about to get a call that someone I know just died. The doctor recommended seeing a therapist and going back on meds. Now I remember that the reason I finally did something was because my neighbour’s son killed himself. Fuck, that really bothered me. Hearing about any death at all was bad enough, but I think that week I was reading about Edgar Allan Poe’s death and then Vincent Van Gogh’s, and I just got really fixated on vividly imagining their final moments. I think there were others, too. See? Just a stupid thing to waste your time on but in the moment, you think this will help for some reason. Maybe the gravity of that kind of thing hooks you and you can’t help but look into it. So when my neighbour’s son also committed suicide, that was a pretty strong blow. I hadn’t even talked to the guy in over ten years, but I couldn’t help but fixate on having seen his father maybe 3 days prior as he joked in my mom’s backyard and borrowed a ladder. Now his life was ruined and the son he struggled to try to get mental help his whole life had killed himself. He was only 37 and he had a son. I think I spent a few days of weeping out my stupid ass over this, then made the decision to see my doctor.

I started seeing my therapist and cried within 6 minutes of entering his office. I wish I went to see a talk doctor when I was recommended it as a teenager. It’s good shit. Beyond that, I started seeing my friends again. Before this, I think 2 years had passed between us spending time together. I had talked myself into feeling like they were better off without me anyway and had their own real friends and lives that I didn’t have anything to do with. I started to exercise and even just take walks around the block. Sometimes, if I was just lying awake staring at the ceiling, I’d get up and go for a run. I started being able to work on videos again and looked forward to it. Thinking back on it now, I realize I kept streaming during the whole time. That would become the only thing I’d do or look forward to for most of this stretch. SO THANKS IF YOU LOOKED AT MY TERRIBLE STREAMS DURING THIS ERA I WAS QUITE WOUNDED AND I’M HOPEFUL THAT I WASN’T TREMENDOUSLY OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS, YOU HELPED KEEP ME STABLE WATCHING ME PLAY WITH CHILDREN’S TOYS. Beyond this, I’d just sleep until the afternoon and try to find a way to kill time until the streams started. This is why there were even less videos than usual. I was sad.

So, these things helped pull me out of the shit. A lot of it is self-examination and discovering why you feel this way in the first place. I’ve talked to my therapist about whether or not this whole thing was because of being on meds for so long and then going off them and feeling a withdrawal, or if that’s who I am underneath the medication.  He said that it is probably both, but more that that’s who I am. Fuck. He categorized this as a major depressive episode. It was weird to just hear the words. That is the kind of thing that happens to people in their mid-30s in office jobs who are getting shit on by everything in their lives. I guess it can also make you feel like a diva asshole; that you feel you’re so important that you had to have this major crisis about yourself. Writing this makes me realize how stupid it is to think like this, but that’s the kind of trap you get put into. Anyway, let me emphasize how important it is to see a therapist if you are depressed. Do it. It can change everything. Also talk to a doctor and see if meds are part of your solution. See a doctor. Do not just let it go. This is like if you had cancer and you just wanted to wait it out or hoped it would get better on its own. A lot of people let it go until it’s overwhelming and consumes them completely and just kill themselves to end the pain. Don’t!

I got better. I went on meds and in just a few weeks I made a drastic improvement. Plus the therapy, and plus feeling like I was doing anything with my life again. I hear a lot about hesitation to go on meds because you feel like they may change the foundation of who you ever are. This doesn’t happen. For me, it made me feel more free to be who I felt like I really was. That said, it may numb your emotions if you are a person who typically feels a lot of things. Just talk to a doctor about any concerns you have and don’t let these build up and become reasons you don’t get help for yourself. You are worth it. The doctor isn’t angry to have to deal with you. If it will cost what you can’t afford, don’t let that become an excuse not to do it. Save up or find a way to make it work. Again, it’s like if you couldn’t afford cancer treatments so you just let it kill you instead of finding out how you can make the situation work financially. What you’re dealing with is serious! Do something about it!

I almost forgot to mention that a lot of getting better was having something to look forward to. Knowing I’d see my friends and we’d have a good time was part of it. Another was spending all of my fucking money to go to as many conventions as I could. They were something I enjoyed in the past but didn’t bother with much anymore, so I decided to get back into them. It was the best choice. Thanks for coming to drink a lot of beers and talk shit if I saw you at a PAX or TwitchCon or Magfest! They were sincerely some of the best times of my life. Knowing that it wouldn’t be long until I’d be at another convention helped a lot with otherwise feeling complete dread. The power of giving yourself something great to look forward to is really strong! Do it! Find things you like and make time for them. Reward yourself! At one point, I got into a really unbalanced lifestyle and would spend maybe 60 or 70 hours a week editing videos and I burned myself out to shit. All I would think about was the job and let my health and relationships go to shit. You’re not supposed to do that. Give yourself good things and make it a habit. Anyway, PAX East soon, my man.

When I wrote my last crypost, a lot of people responded it it. I was in a daze for the rest of that day as I heard from a mountain of individuals. A lot of you deal with issues like this and a lot of you feel hopeless about it. It’s fucked up! This is your life! You’re entitled to a good one! Doing something about it will take a lot less than you may think, and will help you in a lot more ways and probably faster than you may think. A lot of you also said since that you’ve decided to finally get help. So yeah motherfucker I had a cool cry about your messages several times. What was also helpful was anonymous tumblr questions saying they got help so others could see your experiences and know I’m not just yelling out my dick about this. Thanks! You helped people!

Ok I think I have to cut this short now, it got late and I try not to stay awake until fucking 7 AM these days. I feel like I missed a few of the main points I wanted to make but by now I think you get the point that you can feel like you are going to face total annihilation within the next few moments and still get back to normal in very little time. I almost just wrote “Hopefully talking about my own cringe-ass experience helped you with…” and so forth to end this on a light-hearted self-shitting, but that again is part of the problem. Feeling as if your issues are embarrassing, not worthy, juvenile, or to be written off as not serious is no good. I know we joke about this kind of thing to help deal with it, but don’t feel that way for real. AGAIN, YOU’RE WORTH IT. YOU’RE GOOD! YOU’RE WORTH DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL NOT FUCKED UP! GO! 


Go!

  • Haizaki: You know, my dick has a lot in common with the sun.
  • Aomine: Why? Because nobody likes looking at it directly?
  • Kise: It gives people cancer?
  • Kuroko: It’s going to die someday?
  • Momoi: It rises at the crack of dawn?
  • Murasakibara: It disappears at night?
  • Akashi: Direct exposure to it often leads to a nasty case of sunburn?
  • Midorima: It needs to stay approximately 92,960,000 miles away from me?
  • Nijimura: Nobody will ever touch it?
My Impressions of the Types

These are based solely on my experiences. They turned out a little more negative than I intended, since I’m not great at expanding on the positives. I love all the types, so focus on the good parts please lol. Also included: advice for each type.

ENTP

We’ll start here, because this is me. I don’t actually know a whole lot of other ENTPs, at least not very closely right now in my life. The ones I do know I get along very well with. They’re funny and it’s always great getting into discussions about random things. Tbh tho ENTPs are kind of 50/50 hit or miss with their Fe. Ones that have healthy Fe are all around wonderful to be around; they’re fun, engaging, and nice. Ones that lack healthy Fe sometimes act weird just to get attention or will say some pretty insensitive things. Most are pretty awkward though, in one way or another. It’s hard to break past the acquaintance barrier unless they’re actively trying to befriend you. My advice: work on socializing and figuring out what to say and also not sucking at being organized (I’m working on these too lol)

INTP

INTPs are really similar to ENTPs, just quieter and awkward in a different way. I love them to death though. The ones I’ve met are really great people and always have some funny remark or interesting insight on anything. The one I’m closest with right now is a little bit dependent socially, so I feel kind of tied to them at social gatherings. Oh wait there was this one other one I knew a while ago who’s a huge jerk, and rejected anything good about others. My advice: open up a little more. You’re great, people will love you if you give them the chance (unless you’re an edgy jerk, then work on being a decent person, then open up, but that’s probably not you).

ESTP

I love ESTPs they’re so fun. As an Ne-dom though, it’s sometimes hard to relate to them, as abstract discussion is much more interesting for me than for them. Also, I find that every single ESTP is into some combination of sports, cameras, and cars (or for the 1% that don’t fit any of those, try music or video games). As long as you know something about each of those, you’ll be able to have some sort of conversation/hang out with any ESTP. Many are prone to doing really stupid things though (at least the male ones I know) and will probably die someday in a silly stunt. Overall, super chill people. My advice: Don’t do anything too stupid. Always calculate your risks.

ISTP

I don’t know too many ISTPs very well. But the ones I do know, I very much enjoy hanging out with. As an ENTP, I love their strong Ti. It’s so fun to dissect things in conversation with them. They sometimes will also suffer from Edgy Jerk Syndrome like INTPs, but if not, they’re very likeable. They’re also really chill, like ESTPs, but in an even more laid-back way. Unless you’re annoying, then they will not be chill at you at all. My advice: Be nice to people, and keep doing you.

ENFP

Oh dear where do I begin? My 13 y/o brother and my dad are ENFPs and as far as I can remember I’ve had an ENFP best friend/sidekick. My current best friend is an ENFP and he’s great and I love him but also I hate him. My dad is such an incredibly extraverted person if we’re outside the house. He will talk to literally anyone about basically anything. Now that I think about it, my brother is the most exaggerated form I can think of of each of his function (except inf Si). His Ne is literally insane. Ne: For the past few weeks he’s been singing/screaming about “chickensquids” to the tune of any song he can think of (and he loves memes). Fi: Ohhh boy has this kid got some not-so-healthy-Fi. He always has to have his way or he starts yelling. He doesn’t care much for what others want and will make some selfish decisions like all the time. (But when he’s not he is a really fun person to be around). Te: When he wants something, he will create a specific plan for how he wants it and he will Execute. I need $60 for this new game? If mom and dad pay me $10 an hour for doing chores, I need to do exactly six hours of dishes, vacuuming, etc. and I can have this game by 4:00 today. But other than that he will not lift a finger of work. My best friend though, I love him, we’re very similar people. Our Ne is always in-sync. He unows about MBTI in-depth too, so he’s worked on polishing up his Te and making sure his Fi thinks about other people. And he just keeps better too. I’m real grateful to have him around because I’d be so bored without him. He’s a terrible gossip though. So… overall ENFPs are real social and fun but can be a pain in the butt if they don’t get their way. My advice: Remember that there’s more to life than just you having fun.

INFP

I’ve mistyped a good (ISTJ) friend of mine as an INFP for a long time and it’s been a while since I’ve actually interacted with INFPs regularly so writing this one might require a little more thought and digging through my inf-Si haha. In my experience INFPs are pretty 50/50 too: they’ll either be super sweet and quiet, or very strongly-opinionated individuals with a bit of a wild side, which will especially come out once you get close to them. The latter are truthfully a prime example of my (not-to-be-taken-very-seriously) saying of “Feelers have no chill.” My advice: Idek you probably wouldn’t follow it anyway

ESFP

I have a love/hate relationship with ESFPs. Two of my good friends in my recent high school years were ESFPs and they were quite different but with significant similarities. Let’s start with similarities: Probably the most fun people you will ever meet. They love dancing and are always fun to be around. Unless they’re in a bad mood. Differences: ESFP 1: Probably the most outgoing person I’ve ever met (even more than my aforementioned ENFP Dad). He was a huge mess with girls tho. Everyone was in love with him and he’d be absolutely in love with a girl one week, and then drop her and be into another the next week. He hurt a lot of people’s feelings and was kind of a huge inconsiderate jerk. Also, a bit of a pathological liar and would find out people’s secrets and then broadcast them to the world. Idek why we hung out with him so much. It’s kinda weird how he managed to be so charming yet so inconsiderate. When in a bad mood, he wouldn’t say anything or look at anyone, but you could see the fire in his eyes. ESFP 2: Very opinionated social activist and lead actor in like all of our productions. He’s much less outgoing, but was still really fun to hang out with. He disliked a lot of people and would get annoyed by little things. I wasn’t around him too much outside of school, but I know he partied hard, but wasn’t openly a huge stoner like some people are. My advice: CHILL.

ISFP

I’m not too familiar with many ISFPs, but they’re all pretty quiet. Basically the same as the second kind of INFP but typically have some specific thing they’re really into: theater, drawing, sports, music. They tend to not like most people as well. My advice: tbh same as INFP.

ENTJ

I don’t know any ENTJs. Where are they? Advice: Show yourself

INTJ

Are NTJs even real? Are they a myth? Are we human? Or are we dancer? (Sorry idk I’m a meme). I see tons of people typed as INTJs online but I suspect a lot of them are not what they think they are. They’re rare types, we can’t all be INxJs. (So rare that I know none.) Advice: Read up on functions in-depth, if you’re not suuuuper well acquainted. Make sure you’re 100% an INTJ. (Inb4 people offended I’m questioning their type)

ESTJ

ESTJs have a pretty wide spectrum from pretty chill to pretty stereotypically Te. My main ESTJ is literally Dwight from The Office sometimes. The most stereotypical ESTJ you can think of. He ran track and Cross Country (not that it’s stereotypical but an interesting detail) and was always leading Boy Scouts projects and events. Very quick to direct people and give orders. He was really into superheroes though. He also memorized thousands of bad jokes, one-liners, and puns that I heard so many times over again over the eight years of knowing him. Prone to getting slightly physical when angry. His dad is a huge ESTJ too, who knew every practical skill you can think of. He was a church/scouts leader of ours and has a lot of knowledge in so many different topics. He was in the navy and is now an ironworker. Such a great storyteller and always the center of attention. He’s actually a very funny person and puts up a bit of a mean facade, but really has a heart of gold under it all and everyone knows it (but he does intimidate younger kids occasionally when he comes across too strong). Another ESTJ church/scouts leader I know is super chill and hangs out like one of us kids a lot of the time at events. Also a great storyteller. My advice: No you give me advice. How are you so organized and straightforward? Real advice: Let other people be themselves and handle their own life.

ISTJ

Most of my ISTJs I had previously mistyped as other things, so this one will take some thought like INFP. ISTJs are mostly all really nice people that I love to be around. A good friend of mine in high school was so much of that that I was positive she was an ESFJ. Another I thought was an INFP for a long time. ISTJs will always put the group first, and almost seem like they have Fe most of the time, with exceptions of course. One ISTJ I know was THE MOST STEREOTYPICAL STJ POSSIBLE. He was a 50-60 year old Boy Scout leader and EVERYTHING has to be by the book and by the rules with no exceptions. There will be no fooling around when he is there. One time at a Fourth of July social event he gathered up a bunch of kids and told a very boring, ridiculously long story about something in American history. (I just walked away after two minutes. I’m there to have fun, not hear a boring story.) My ENFP best friend’s parents are both ISTJs so that makes for an interesting family dynamic. Si-doms will also talk and talk and talk. The one I thought was an INFP, my closest ISTJ friend, will go on forever about computers. He loves computer programming and suggests to anyone that they study it because “it’s a growing field and it’s very secure with lots of options. And it’s a very useful skill” (not an exact quote, but he says things like it very often). My advice: Make sure people are interested when you talk about the same thing for long periods of time. Give them space to also give responses of a decent length. And not everything needs to be fully planned out. Go with the flow.

ENFJ

I don’t know too many people of this type very well (he says for the the thirtieth time), but those who I suspect to be ENFJs are all very likeable people. They’re social and kind, but not overbearingly so. Just the right amount that they know what to say but they typically don’t talk too much. My advice: Keep doin you.

INFJ

What’s an INFJ?… Actually when I was writing the ENFJ section I realized someone I previously typed as one is probs an INFJ so… Yeah same as ENFJ, really. But also see INTJs above. My advice: see INTJ and/or ENFJ

ESFJ

I know so many ESFJs. Honestly, I bet everyone does. This section doesn’t really feel needed because you could just go literally anywhere with people and find twelve. I love ESFJs though, they’re one of my favorite types on average because they always make you feel welcome (unless they hate you). ESFJs are either really nice and sweet or need to chug a bottle of chill pills (figuratively. I’m not advocating drug use) or both, depending on the day. Also, kinda unrelated but I love how mom ESFJs increase their mom-mess by about 300% whenever there are people over. There is about a 70% chance that the house will be clean and a 100% chance food will be offered, much higher than the average levels. ESFJs are also very susceptible to Feelers Have No Chill™. My advice: Chill. Keep doin you tho, just don’t stress so much. And stop gossiping, for the love of all that is good in this world. ESFJs will always, without fail, say “ugh I hate drama/gossip” and then proceed to gossip for three hours and cause drama. (ExFPs do this too).

ISFJ

I love ISFJs (again I’ve said this for like every type lol). My little brother is one, as well as a number of other friends and some church/scout leaders. They are so considerate and kind. Sometimes too considerate though, for example, an ISFJ friend of mine worries about offending someone or saying something rude at every turn when they weren’t doing anything of the sort. Apologizing too much. One ISFJ I know will end up sharing a lot of their feelings or whatever and then say to themselves “Okay, (ISFJ), it’s time to stop oversharing. Nobody wants to hear about your issues” and give a nervous laugh. ISFJs are really smart too like a lot of the ones I know have some rock-solid tert-Ti (not to say that Ti is a measure of intelligence or that Ti=smart, but like… You get what I’m saying). Honestly, I feel like some ISFJ stereotypes are the most accurate of any MBTI stereotypes. The first time I met one ISFJ I know was at a pool party and they just made brownies to bring and share and I’m pretty sure that was the only food there. My advice: Don’t worry so much (about anything, i mean this in every sense of the word). See also ISTJ.

My Dad Kidnapped Little Girls

I don’t ever remember my dad being normal. He was always a little strange. The man was secretive and closed off, and all his attempts at acting like a father rose the hairs on the back of my neck. It seemed forced. I don’t think I ever got used to that. There was no need, because he didn’t keep that up for long. By the time I was 5, I didn’t have a dad. What I had after that was a boss. Maybe an owner. Definitely not a dad.

He fully opened up as a person around that time. He brought a little girl into our home. She was small, but she was older than myself, too. Maybe 7 or 8. Her face was red and raw with tears. “Sam, this is your new little sister, Maria.” Before I could react, she spoke up between small sobs. “No, mister. I don’t know you. My name is Claire. Please take me home to my mommy, I promise that I won’t tell.” By the time she finished what she was saying, she was barely forming coherent sentences. That’s when I saw my Dad stop being my dad. With one fluid motion, he swung his arm, hitting her in the face and knocking her back on her ass.

I jumped up, too afraid and confused to do much of anything, but still frightened nonetheless. I was young, but I’d seen enough television to know that normal families didn’t do these things. “Sam, you sit your ass down or I’ll put you in the ground, you hear me?” Thus marked the loss of my father. Later, as I listened to the quiet cries of the girl, now locked in the room next to mine, he sat me down and explained that he wasn’t my father. He told me things a 5 year old should never hear. My life changed forever. I was a mistake.

The little girl was with us for a while. My dad left me at home while he went to the mall, buying all kinds of nice things for Maria. Claire. Whatever. He probably blew $500. The weeks afterward were strange, disgusting, and violent all at the same time. At the best, she would play along with his games and he would be happy. At the worst, I would have to listen to her screams as he did unspeakable things to her in the next room. After, when the screaming would stop, he would come to me and give me the same speech.

“This happens because you aren’t right, you understand? You should have been born a girl. We wouldn’t have to do this. She’s going to die someday because you’re trash.” He would walk to the door and finish with “Remember, Sam. No one out in that world will ever love you. If you try to leave, I’ll find you and I’ll kill you.”

Maria died about three months after my dad took her. This day wasn’t her first attempt at escape, but instead it was her last. Truly, I do not know if my father meant to kill her or not. He became consumed in his rage and I fought back tears as he continued to hit her and hit her, over and over again. Her little light went out as she choked on blood, gurgling sounds coming from her throat. She was buried in our back yard, right next to the playset that my father bought a year before. After that, he became nervous to the point where he packed me up and we started off on the road.

We lived like that for years. Sometimes, we’d live somewhere as long as a year, but that was the extent of it. On a good year, he’d take two or three girls without so much as a second look. People didn’t necessarily suspect him, though. He was a psycho, but the man was smart too. He would falsify documents and references, getting himself jobs as close to children as possible. I remember, one time, he was hired on to be an ice cream truck driver. He snatched up a little girl he called Gloria right in front of her house. He somehow managed to finish his route, too. She only lasted two months.

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“Dally didn’t die a hero. He died violent and young and desperate, just like we all knew he’d die someday…But Johnny was right. He died gallant.”

1.
I drink the sweat that drips off my face as I finish a long day of ruling your world.
You never complain.
2.
You only look at my stack of yellowing notebooks with greedy eyes and thirsty fingers. You want to rip the pages out and stuff them down your throat. You want me burning red hot under your fingers; you wanna consume my love whole (“Ya’ know, really get a taste of the artist”.)
3.
My friends say I got a thing for boys who lay down on train tracks and bet God their lunch money that they’ll survive another day. They hang their heads in shame when I refuse to see the problem with that.
(They pick my body off of the ground and carefully use their eyebrow tweezers to take out the shrapnel that his words left in my body.)
4.
I got knives with my name on ‘em. I got a pistol for a mouth. My body is weapon, babe, I can defend myself.
5.
But, God, those scares on your arms are hot. And the way your knuckles graze my face so lovingly yet destroy so mercilessly shouldn’t turn me on as much as it does but…“Wow, when did this room get so hot?”
6.
My temperature is 103.5 and I swear it’s my body trying to get him out of my system; I swear I can go to school; I swear I can keep going, don’t make me stop, don’t make me rest; if I rest I’ll have thoughts that will fill my brain that not even the strongest of antibiotics could treat.
7.
Please don’t go, please, please, please, please, my dad will kill you but who cares? We’ll all die someday, let your last breath be captured between my lips as your hands slide up my hips and our eyes lock and our voices falter and the angels sing and the sunset shifts to sunrise and the first time becomes a promise of the next…and the next…and the next…
8.
This ain’t a love poem.
9.
I’M SUCH A LOSER; YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL.

10. could you be?

—  DREAM BOY // k.m.

I’m still crying over Twin Suns, but I think I’m ready to talk about it. I want to talk about it.

I am both profoundly sad and yet deeply satisfied with Maul’s ending. I both hate and love how he died; his death was disappointing but perfect, so much less than I wanted and yet so much more than I hoped. I wanted more for him, wanted a better life for him, wished and hoped and prayed that he would step towards the light; and yet I understand every step he took, and why his path lead him to such an ending.

It was about hope, in the end–and I loved that. Needed that. His last words were about vengeance but what he was really looking for was hope–hope that one day, there will be a galaxy without Emperor Palpatine.

That is the same hope that the Rebels fight for, that crew of Rogue One dies for. They ask themselves, “If the Empire has this kind of power, what chance do we have?” and, knowing full well that they may have no chance at all, they fight anyway, because they have hope.

Maul knew better than anyone how powerful his master was, and what an impossible task it would be to defeat him. He fought for so long to rise above his old master and strike him down, but by the time Ezra finds Maul on Malachor, Maul has accepted that he will never be strong enough to defeat Vader or the Emperor.

And if Maul cannot strike him down, if he cannot surpass his master as Sith have done for millennia, then who can?

Maul tells Ezra that he’s looking for hope–not a means to destroy the Sith or a weapon to use to use against his master, but hope that the Emperor will die. Somehow, someday, he will be defeated. The great evil that plagues the galaxy will one day be scoured, and all who have been hurt by The Emperor will one day be avenged.

He will avenge us, Maul says. His last breath. His dying hope.

Us. Not me. Us. All of us. You and I. My brother, my mother, the Witches of Dathomir and the Jedi, too–everyone made to suffer by the Emperor’s hand, a hand that tortured no one as deeply nor as personally as he tortured Maul.

Maul dies believing that his master is not invincible. One day, everyone will be avenged. One day, everything will be alright.

And that’s so perfect. So good. Even though I wanted, desperately, for Maul to outlive his master, to live in a galaxy without that looming darkness, I love that he got to know that it will happen. He won’t get to see it, he won’t get to hold it or touch it but he knows that it’s real. He has hope. Finally, finally, finally, he has hope.

It’s so wonderful. You brought hope to those who had none.

2

For those of you wondering how @dogiplier has been: NEVER FEAR!

I wish to extend a huge congratulations and cheer for Dogi. The fact that she is updating us while she’s branching out into BRILLIANT careers? Only the icing on the cake, compared to the fact that she’s even pursuing these careers.

Even in hard moments in your life, when it feels like there’s nothing in your life and words will always be meaningless, there’s always the chance to fulfill your dreams and aspirations. You might die someday…so? There’s the FACT that you can always reach for the stars - and hold to them tightly. You just have to fly up to them, no matter the risk or your fear.

But, poetic, wannabe-Tyler stuff aside, it would mean so much if everyone extended their congrats to this young, brilliant star - and know that, if @markiplier or @therealjacksepticeye or @crankgameplays or @dogiplier can achieve their aspirations, SO. CAN. YOU.

Hear me out,,

If The Foxhole Court gets a tv adaptation and Do You Realize?? by The Flaming Lips isn’t playing while Neil is saying goodbye to Andrew before going to Baltimore, I would riot.


Ok so the first verse, you have flashback shots of Neil falling in love with Andrew and finding a family:

Do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face? Close up shots of Andrew glaring at Neil. There are a lot okay, make it rapid fire shots of his face.

Do you realize, that we’re floating in space? Maybe this is them hanging their legs off the side of the roof? (pause ok imagine their tiny legs bouncing around)

Do you realize, happiness makes you cry? Shots of all the foxes. His family.

Do you realize, everyone you know someday will die? Something to convey that Neil isn’t willing for today to be the day that his family dies.


The second verse is a painful montage of sappy family moments with all the foxes.

And instead of saying all your goodbyes, let them know

You realize that life goes fast

It’s hard to make the good things last

You realize, the sun doesn’t go down,

It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round


It cuts back to Neil. The music has stopped. There’s no sound, no movement, no breathing until

“Thank you. You were amazing.”

They walk out and the riot starts.