did i mention hot

10

when solar’s leader unnie vibe comes out

2

Thank you for your lovely comments, darlings!!! I hope you like what I did with your prompts!! Enjoy!!! <3

Warning: Hot make-outs, smutty mentions, cute Bughead galore and just me fawning over the bae that is Cole Sprouse. 


“We have to go.” Kiss

“Hmm, in a second.” Kiss

“One day – kiss – we’ll get caught – kiss – and they’ll definitely expel us.” Hard Kiss.

“Oh, I’d love to see you, Betty Cooper – kiss – getting expelled over a steamy make out.” Bite.

Betty just let a breathless laugh, alternating the angle of her head and dropped her arms to his shoulders, crossing them by the wrists behind his head. Jughead’s smile grew more in delight against her lips and he dove in again, pecking her lips hard. They were in one of the dusty storage rooms of their high school, the smallest one and the one with no windows, exploring this new-found feeling of being in love and being a couple, mist old broken chairs and random school supplies. Betty was perched up on an unused desk that lay against the wall, dressed for her cheerleading practice in her usual white and yellow t-shirt and dark blue shorts, while her boyfriend was standing deliciously between her gorgeous legs, school bag, denim jacket and beanie abandoned somewhere on the floor, kissing her like there was no tomorrow for God knows how long now.

That was basically they daily routine. Ever since the two of them overcame their irrational fears of rejection and possible heartbreak and talked with each other about that kiss that held all of Jughead’s suppressed emotions all those years, they couldn’t overlook their mutual feeling of desiring to be together. Three weeks had passed since that day and, despite of the new challenges they were faced with every day, regarding their unconventional families and the amorality that seemed to emerge every once in a while of the core of their small town, the two teens were basking in the afterglow of their romance with affectionate gestures and heated make outs. The only cloud shading their Romeo and Juliet fairytale was that everything was being done in shadows, like a good, concealed secret.

They wanted to tell people; and they would do it. They weren’t afraid or ashamed, both emotions equally unfair to the wonderful union that it was them. They just wanted to do it in their own terms, without excited friends or controlling parents getting in their way, without having to explain themselves or put labels and boundaries in something that came and kept growing natural to them. So, janitor’s closets and storage rooms it was.

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The Only Exception (Part 5)

Summary: AU. Reader is given the task of running a popular love advice internet show when her coworker is fired. Her cynical attitude toward love makes her offer some harsh advice, and more than a few hearts are caught in the aftermath. Will hers be one of them?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3,844

Warnings: language, fluff, angst, sarcasm, hot firemen, draaaamaaaa, did i mention angst? this is getting ridiculous.

A/N: Cliffhangers are mostly unintentional. I got so many ACK HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME messages that I wanted to post the next part. Warning: it’s mostly just to move the plot along.

Part - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 -

Originally posted by sebuttianstans

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My thoughts on the Riverdale finale

* I knew the second Cheryl gave Veronica the Vixens she’d commit suicide. Anyone seen 13 reasons why? The first sign of suicide: Giving away things that you love

* I was ready to tear Archie into shreds but nope, came out he just wanted to be Veronica’s soul mate. You are, Archiekins

* Ronnie ships Bughead, guys

* I hate Hermione Lodge and Penelope Blossom. Worst parents of the year award goes to them

* On the other hand, FP wins best parent of the year award. He gave Jug Hot Dog and made sure he wasn’t alone. I want him out of jail NOW

* Have y'all seen how vulnerable Alice looked when she told Betty about her son? No makeup, no fancy clothes. Just her. I love her.

* I’m not the biggest fan of Ronnie but I like how she took care of Cheryl and tried to befriend Jug

* Josie is a good person. I like her. And looking at her parents, I understand why she’s a bitch sometimes

* I want Cheryl to leave her mom and move in with Ronnie. Then I want Ronnie to bitch slap her mom for being a heartless whore

* 10 bucks it was someone hired by the Sheriff or the mayor to hang that shit up on Betty’s locker

* Another 10 bucks it was someone hired by Hirem to kill Fred

* I need a gazillion gifs of that love reveal and another gazillion gifs of that make out session. I knew Jug wasn’t awkward during sex. He’s a fucking man

* Btw can I have a copy of Jug on my front door? He’s so fucking hot

* I like Varchie but tbh I screamed all the time to get back to Bughead. That shit was hot and I was surprised they’d go all the way THAT fast

* Btw Kudos to Betty for that speech. And of course the love of her life was the first one to applaud

* Betty stop worrying about Jug being a Serpent now. They proved time and time again that they’re loyal and good people. I mean, have you seen the kids laughing with Jug? They’re cool. Also, now you have a hot biker gang boyfriend who punches assholes who dishonor you (I’m jealous)

* Did anyone get a glimpse on Hot Dog? He looked like a Lab or a Goldie but FINALLY HOT DOG

* I need Archie’s song as MP3

Summary: TOO MANY FEELINGS I WON’T SURVIVE THE HIATUS UNTIL SEASON 2!

Did I mention Jughead Jones was so fucking hot this episode?

Every Outsiders fanfiction/imagine summed up in a post

Ponyboy: oMG gUrl u liK runNing aNd suNsEts 2? nAturEs frst gReN iz gOld

Sodapop: Hi I’m Ponyboy’s really hot, nice older brother. Also- cars. Btw we have great sex and you’re gonna convince me to go back to highschool

Darry: I lik 2 roof housez and also im rlly responsible and muscular. Alzo, i yell @ poniboi 4 evryting. B@d poni ¿wtf do u tink u doing?

Johnny: I’ve never spoken to another human being in my whole life. Every time I sneeze my parents beat me or the girl I’m interested in. Also, I’m rlly hardcore so let’s run away to Canada girl to escape our horrible parents bc I secretly have a job and earned money to buy tickets to Canada.

Steve: u lik cars and Steve tinks that’s hot. Also did I mention Steve likes cars?

Two-Bit: *is always drunk* *has never been sober ever* what is sober??? Makes you laugh by falling off of something and srsly injuring himself

Dally: I’m a cold hearted dick who hates and disrespects every girl except you. *cheats on you with another girl* wait no y/n itz no wat it loks lik!!1!!1!! *cries when you break up with him and leave* *plays guitar outside your window* *has your babies*

anonymous asked:

can we get alex touching herself for maggie?

Hells yeah we can.

She’s exhausted – emotionally, mentally, physically – she’s exhausted, she’s drained.

But god, does she want her.

She wants her on her tongue, wants her in her blood, wants Maggie every way it’s possible to want someone. Every way she never thought she could want someone.

But she’s not the only one whose body is bruised and whose heart is scarred; not the only one who was activated by the sight, the sound, the reality, of Lilian Luthor, in their presence, in their bar.

The bar where Lilian had orchestrated the massacre of so many of Maggie’s friends. Just because of…

Alex won’t think about it, can’t, but she knows enough to let the woman who’s burning her skin with pleasant flames just with the power of memory, of fantasy, of love… she knows enough, grieves enough, to let Maggie sleeps.

Because sleep is all too rare, these days.

So Alex tries not to wake her and she tries not to disturb her, but god, god, fuck, she wants her.

She bites her lip as her eyes graze over Maggie’s sleeping, peaceful face, hair tossed slightly over her forehead.

She bites her lip as she slips her hand, quietly, quietly, down her own pajama pants.

She bites her lip to help her swallow her gasp as her strong fingers sweep over her clit.

She bites her lip and she rolls her hips slightly, softly, desperately trying not to wake Maggie, but god, does she need more. 

She needs more, because images of Maggie’s tongue between her legs, the feeling of her fingers slipping deep, deep inside her, the ecstasy of her mouth on her nipples, her hands on her ass, flash through her mind and tear through her body.

She glances at Maggie – still sleeping peacefully – and she shifts.

Shifts so she’s laying on her stomach instead of on her back, shifts so when her fingers draw hard, fast circles right above her clit, the added pressure of the mattress, of gravity, courses through her veins.

She tries to breathe into her pillow so her increasingly ragged breath doesn’t wake her; tries to keep her hips relatively still so the movement rocking the bed doesn’t disturb her; but when she thinks about, dreams about, fantasizes about, the way Maggie’s head tilts back, the way her fingers reach up for Alex’s breasts, the way Maggie moans her name like a prayer, when Alex rides her, needy and reckless and solid, Alex can’t stop the sharp hiss of breath from forcing out of her lips.

“Danvers?” 

Maggie’s voice is groggy and thick with sleep, and Alex curses internally, swallowing a whine, her body frozen.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Go back to sleep babe, it’s only me.”

But Maggie blinks her eyes open and the effect would be adorable if Alex weren’t so turned on.

“You okay? Did you have another nightmare, Ally, did you – “

But her eyes sweep down to the way Alex’s hands are pinned beneath her body, underneath her hips; the way Alex’s face is flushed, the way she’s breathing quickly, the way her eyes are fire and clarity and thirst.

“Danvers,” she says again, and her voice is still full of the gravel of sleep, but now it’s layered with something else. Something deeper, something needier. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to uh… disturb.”

Alex turns so her face is buried in her pillow, groaning, and Maggie slips closer to her instantly.

“Hey, hey, Alex, look at me.”

“No.”

“Alex, please, babe.”

Alex shifts so one eye is off the pillow, and the little Maggie can see of her face is tinged with red.

“I’m sorry, Maggie, it… I didn’t mean to wake you, and it’s stupid, and I – “ 

She starts shifting off her stomach as she talks, and Maggie hovers her hands just shy of touching her, but the effect is the same: Alex stills.

“Whoa whoa, Alex, no, it’s not…” She blinks sleep out of her eyes and she leans up on her elbow, cheek resting on her hand. “It’s not stupid, babe, I’m glad you were…” Maggie smiles and she touches Alex’s chin gently, tenderly, lovingly. “I’m glad you were taking care of yourself. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Danvers, it uh… it… it’s pretty hot, actually.”

Alex turns her face so she can see Maggie fully, now, fire stoking again in the pit of her stomach at Maggie’s admission.

“It is?”

Maggie lets out a single laugh. 

“Uh, yeah. Big time, Danvers. Did you um… did you want to… continue? I didn’t mean to disturb you, I…”

Alex bites her lip. “You’re not disturbing me.”

Something that looks a lot like a supernova flashes in Maggie’s eyes. “Do you want… help? I can talk you through it. If you want.”

“Talk me through it?”

“If you’re comfortable. I mean, we don’t have to – “

“No, I just… you mean you want me to keep going. And you…”

“Talk you through it.”

“Talk me through it. While I touch myself.”

Maggie’s breath hitches. “That’s the basic idea, Danvers.”

“That would be… fun for you?”

Maggie’s eyes rake up and down Alex’s body and she takes a long, slow breath. “Yeah. Yeah, it definitely would.”

Alex’s voice is small when she answers, but god, is she sure.

“Okay then.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. Please?”

“So what um… what were you thinking about? Or what do you want me to tell you about?”

Alex purses her lips and Maggie kisses her temple. “It’s okay, babe, we don’t have to – “

“I want you to tell me a fantasy you have. About us. I mean, if you have any, you don’t have to, it’s okay if you don’t, I – “

“Danvers, you want me to talk to you while you touch yourself for me or not?”

Alex hisses and Maggie grins.

“So um… that’s a yes?”

“Please Maggie?”

“Okay. You tell me if what I say isn’t hot for you, I can change it, okay? So um… sometimes I think about… uh… Fuck, um.”

Alex bites her lip for her, her eyes wide, her hips starting to move on her own fingers again, and it’s all the inspiration Maggie needs.

“Sometimes I think about having you strip for me, like you did the week after our first Valentine’s Day.”

“You liked that?” Alex asks breathlessly.

“God yeah. So I think about having you strip for me, in that little slip you have, dancing on me and… mmmm… Al, do you mind if I um… Can I – “

She gestures with her hand toward her own hips, and Alex squeaks. “Yes,” she pleads as Maggie grins and brings her hand down to her own boxers. She sighs with relief and lets her head drop back into the pillow before turning her face back to Alex.

To watch Alex.

“And I think about how I wanna bend you over the couch – color?”

“Green, fuck, Mags.”

“Excellent. So uh… I wanna bend you over the couch… our couch… and I don’t want you to strip completely. I wanna fuck you while you’re still wearing that little slip, while that black thong you have is still on.”

Alex whines at the rasp in Maggie’s voice, her hips rising and falling onto her hands quicker now, quicker and harder.

“I wanna slip my fingers inside you from behind – god I love how wet you get for me – do you wanna do that now, babe, do you wanna fuck yourself for me?”

Alex lifts her hips and pushes aside her underwear in answer, moaning out a sigh of relief when she feels how soaked Maggie’s already made her.

“Tell me what to do?” she asks, and Maggie shudders through a sharp groan.

“Slip two fingers at once inside yourself, babe, just like you like me to do to you.”

Alex whines and Alex thrashes, and Maggie slips her fingers into the slit of her own boxers.

“Damn it, Danvers,” she rasps, and Alex grins somewhat cockily through her Maggie-induced haze.

“What should I do next, Maggie?” she begs, and Maggie practically growls.

“Put your palm on your clit, babe, and bring your ass up for me if you want. Cuz you know, this is me fucking you bent over the couch, right?”

Alex’s eyes squeeze shut as she swallows a scream and she does as she’s told. 

“More?” she begs, and her hips are starting to thrash erratically.

“You wanna slip another finger in, show me how tight you are for, babygirl?” Maggie asks, and Alex cums, wrecked and unraveled and unrestrained, before she can even obey.

Maggie puts her hand on Alex’s back while Alex works herself through her orgasm, Maggie’s name on her breathless lips.

“You are so fucking gorgeous, Alex Danvers,” Maggie tells her, and god, does she mean it.

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispers as soon as she has enough breath, and Maggie’s brow furrows in the depths of her confusion.

“What – “

“I came too soon, you weren’t done with your story or with… with yourself. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Alex, no, no, babe, you never have to apologize for feeling pleasure, okay? That’s the point, that’s literally the point: you feeling good, okay? If that takes two minutes or three hours, if you wanna take all that time to cum once or to cum as many times as you can count, that’s okay. Everything you want is okay. And hot. Also hot. You’re very hot. Did I mention you’re hot? God, I sound like you.”

“Mmmm, are we gonna be that couple that starts talking like each other?”

“It’s quite possible, Danvers. You’re pretty alluring.”

Alex beams and sighs as she slips her fingers out of her body, wiping them on her pajama pants before shifting closer to Maggie and bringing her hands, her lips, to Maggie’s face.

“I am, aren’t I?”

Maggie chuckles at her beautiful, perfect nerd and kisses her slow, soft, with parted lips and an open heart, until they both drift back to sleep.

GB Fantasy Pt. 1

I’m going to write this as if it happened…..

My husband is a musician and had some friends over to “jam” one afternoon. It was a warm, sunny day so I decided to relax by our pool and listen to them play. He likes when I wear something skimpy when his friends are over, so with a little chilled sake and my barely there bikini I went and laid out in plain view of his friends. I didn’t know if they were looking but I knew they could see me. At that point I put on my sunglasses and starting reading a rather steamy romance book. This particular book is more steam than romance, but I like them that way. It was a story about a husband and wife that have his friend over for a weekend but the husband is trying to convince his his wife to have sex with him, them and whatever combination possible. It was hot and I don’t mean the temperature.
I was engrossed in my book and hadn’t realized my husband had come outside with one of his buddies. I was a bit startled by his voice and felt a little embarrassed mainly due to what I was reading. Not because of my husband but because his friend Jay was right beside him. He told me Jay was a trained masseuse and had “magic hands”. He even had his table with him and would treat me to a great massage. Well, I love massages and in my current state it sounded fantastic.
Several minutes later he had me face down on his table and he started working. Mind you I have my bikini on, what little there is of it, I’m hot in more ways than one and this Jay person is rubbing my legs with some type of warm oil. Did I mention Jay is hot rocker type? I think he is a bass player. I know his fingers are strong and he has pretty big hands. Well whatever he is doing with those hands feels very relaxing. There is a point where his hands feel like they are multitasking and he has me relaxed but very aware of what is going on between my legs.
When it’s time to turn over I’m worked up like a virgin on prom night. Sake and strong hands is a solid combination I highly recommend. As I turn over my boobs slip out of my top and I realize my husband and his buddies are all standing around watching me…awkward!
More?

2

Literary symmetry at its finest.

10

Cross-Ship: Bonnie Bennett & Dean Winchester

“Since you mentioned you ship Bonnie and dean could you do a gif set of why you think they would be good together?”

– anon

I don’t really cross-ship but I would totally be down with Bonnie and Dean because well frankly, I think they would be a really hot couple but more than that, I think they have a lot in common; they both have a pathological need to sacrifice for the people around them while at the same time have a strong desire for an ordinary life. At their cores, they’re kindred spirits and the lengths they’ll go to protect their loved ones and do the right thing but their personalities are different enough that would keep their relationship interesting. I think it would be extremely funny and interesting to watch the two of them do a case together and moving to see the two of them help each other through their sorrows and pain. Also, did I mention how hot they’d like together?

roonilbloodywazlib  asked:

What do you think of ''I work in this huge book store, and you come everyday to read this really thick book, but never buy it because it's too expensive, hey you can use my discount card/ or let me steal it for you, did I mention you're too damn hot? Percabeth or tratie au?

“Do you want to use my discount card to buy that?”

Percy jumped about a mile, abruptly slamming the book shut and fumbling it between his hands. He managed to catch it, tucking it under one arm and staring at the girl who’d spoken. “What - uh, I mean - sorry?”

She was leaning against the edge of the bookcase, arms folded over her chest and one eyebrow raised. She nodded towards the book. “Do you want to use my discount to buy it?”

His eyes skated over her, taking in the grey slacks and the name badge pinned to her white shirt. He squinted and tried to make out the name. “Ah - thanks, but I - I couldn’t, really.”

Her grey eyes narrowed. “You come in here all the time, and you always grab that book. I can tell that you’re working your way through it. You might as well buy it so you can at least read it in the comfort of your own home.”

His eyes widened. He was really hoping she hadn’t noticed the frequency of his visits, or the way he lurked in the aisle. “No, I mean I…” He rubbed the back of his neck. Well, this was already ridiculously embarrassing, he figured it couldn’t get much worse. “I can’t afford it.”

“So use my discount,” the girl insisted. And then, for good measure, added, “Duh.”

“No, I mean, I still wouldn’t be able to afford it.”

The girl blinked. For a moment she was absolutely still, and then she uncrossed her arms and held them out towards Percy. “Give it here.”

He panicked. She was going to take the book from him and kick him out. Goodbye book, goodbye beautiful but terrifying girl, goodbye dignity, Percy was about to be banned from a bookstore.

Figuring he had no other option, Percy handed the book over. The girl took it and spun on her heel, marching towards the register.

Percy followed with downcast eyes. “Sorry,” he said quietly, “I’ll just -”

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked, voice almost a snap, and Percy stopped dead in his tracks.

She’d gone behind the register and was still holding the book in her hands, and Percy’s panic intensified. He hadn’t been doing anything illegal, she couldn’t actually get him in any sort of real trouble, could she?

But then, as he watched, she scanned the book, typed something into the register, and then pulled her purse out from underneath the counter.

“What?” Percy asked, absolutely dumbfounded.

She continued on as if he hadn’t spoken, scanning her employee ID and then her credit card. She put the book in a bag and then held it out. “There you go.”

“What,” Percy repeated, because none of this made any sense.

“For you,” she said, speaking very slowly. “From me. Take it.”

“But I can’t - that book was expensive, I can’t just take it from you!”

“Yes you can! Either you come and grab this book right now or I’m going to hit you over the head with it,” she snapped, and something about her expression told Percy she wasn’t kidding.

He scurried forward and grabbed the bag, and she smiled. 

“Thank you,” he breathed, completely overwhelmed. “But I don’t understand, why would you -”

She shrugged. “Everyone should have the opportunity to read. If you’ve found a book that you like so much you’re willing to come stand in the store and read a little bit of it every day, the least I can do is make sure you get a chance to read it properly.”

The letters on her name tag finally swam into focus. “Thank you, Annabeth.”

She looked up when he said her name, holding his gaze. Her smile softened to something more intimate, and Percy felt a blush warm his cheek. 

She hesitated, and then said, “You’re welcome…”

“Percy,” he supplied.

“Percy,” she repeated. “I hope this doesn’t mean you’ll stop coming into the store, though.”

His shy smile turned into a full grin. “Oh, I’ll still be in every day.”

Annabeth ducked her head, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. When she looked up at Percy through her eyelashes, his heart flipped. “I look forward to it.”

2

modern au where jeyne and theon end up becoming unlikely friends and every so often when one or both of them are feeling down they get together for movie night and stupid selfies and delivery pizza and hot chocolate, because okay their lives aren’t perfect but they deserve some fucking happiness

Can we just take a looky at this old scene again...

So to start us off…

These two decide to full blown charge on Gen. Are they planning on punching him? Restraining him?? What are you guys planning??? 


Regardless, Gen just extends that limb and grabs Ceylan’s hood


Oh no there he goes, throw that to the side, goodbye


Toxsa’s turn, here we go again, grabs the head band


But he just flicks it down


There they go, so much for brave warriors- GeN WHAT ARE YOU DOING


yoU CAN JUMP THAT HIGH? and still maNAGE TO LOOK MENACING?? ( he must do some crazy squats to just hella jump like that damn )


Guren you better watch out one of your future boy friends is FLYING


just kidding despite that crazy jump he must’ve missed the landing (any one else digging that cat-ear lookin’ hairstyle?)


OH WAIT HELLO WHAT

gEN DID YOU JUST KUNGFU SLASH GUREN’S ANKLES OR WHAT

Because theRE HE GOES

Baozi & Hana (ゝ。∂)

Well, I’m quite a bishonen hunter, so these guys can’t slip out of my sight! And here’s what made me love their cosplays :
1. They are male! xD

2. They did BL cosplays (。♥‿♥。)
cute uke!Hana and cool seme!Baozi

3. Both of them can be beautiful and handsome at the same time, see…
。◕‿◕。

4. Detailed costumes, awesome armors, setting and other props

5. Their flawless, high-skill make-up

6. The daily un-cosplay(?) Baozi & Hana are real lookers

Yup, that’s Baozi and Hana for you!
and oh, did I forget to mention how fvcking hot Hana is? L(・o・)」



Look at that tempting lips~ ლ(|||⌒εー|||)ლ
enough to make fangirls dying out of nosebleed!

this is such a wonderful day

  • game of tHRONES TEASER!!!! 
  • holy fuck GoT teaser
  • consider me teased *fans self* 
  • the sun is shining 
  • (or is that just my smile)
  • new gOT CONTENT! (did i mention)
  • dany is as hot as ever
  • (thanks for the confirmation, but we all new she would)
  • MY BADASS BBYS
  • jon sweetie stop looking like someone killed your puppy
  • …fuck no one touch ghost.
  • cersei - pls go and die
  • dany has an awesome cape
  • there is hope for badass cape swishing scenes
  • where was my queen in the north?! 
  • sansa!!!!!! (fuck off she’s my queen fight me bitch)

anonymous asked:

Can I have Deets™ on the Racist Vegan AU?

you SURE MAY my dude. hop on and strap in for the ride

SO the Slightly Racist Militant Vegan Alexander the Great AU follows as thus, thus far:

setting

  • I was going to originally have alexander as a rural vet, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that it would be better if he’s running a wildlife park
  • the wildlife park is in western sydney as they tend to be
  • idk if non-australian places have wildlife parks but they’re kind of like interactive spaces with native animals. they’re not quite zoos, but they have a big focus on conservation
  • western sydney is completely weird-ass and liminal, nothing like the inner city which is perfect for Weird Shit like Slightly Racist Militant Vegan alexander to manifest
  • also western sydney has a good multicultural mix so that serves this au’s purpose anyway
  • the wildlife park is initially called pella but then alex renames it to “alexandria” after philip dies and he expands its territories
  • namely, he annexes the rather nice persian garden complex next door, run by a bloke named darius
  • he does this on the pretext that the café in darius’ garden isn’t vegan
  • ANYWAY, let’s move on to the people

alexander

  • won’t stop culturally appropriating things
  • keeps wearing harem pants and lumping every south asian culture together
  • kind of a weeb for the middle-east in general
  • “I’m macedonian so I’m poc” “alex just because someone called your dad a wog in year six doesn’t mean you’re oppressed”
  • loves animals a LOT and is a vegan
  • the militant sort who reposts graphic memes on facebook every 3 hours
  • btw not trying to say that vegans are militant/slightly racist, but the militant veganism links alexander the military leader and his love of animals
  • highkey a Horse Girl
  • would make people wait for him to take photos of their lunch before eating

hephaistion

  • alexander’s super-hot and tall civil engineer boyfriend
  • constructs wildlife park facilities on annexed garden land after the Takeover
  • embodiment of gay or european
  • speaks greek at home
  • often gets asked ‘you know your bf’s lowkey racist??’ and he’s like ‘yeh we tried telling him once but he threatened us with tofu drumsticks’
  • is super-hot. did I mention?
  • people won’t stop staring
  • he’s also tall
  • just so you know
  • eats veggies for alexander but isn’t militant
  • dies after he eats a chicken when alex isn’t watching and chokes bc it’s just too good and it’s been too long

olympias

  • alexander’s mum, a reptile specialist at the park
  • also a vegan
  • “I love both my children equally. alexander and *looks at smudged writing on back of hand* kleptomania”

philip

  • an omnivore
  • alexander and olympias hate him because of this
  • a cassowary pecked him in the eye and he can’t see out of it any more
  • keeps perving on the staff
  • I’m considering having him die after getting stabbed by a stingray called pausanias he neglects but not sure how many steve irwin parallels we want here

kleopatra

  • the only person in the family not obsessed with animals
  • studies commerce
  • everyone in the family is like, ‘how do you expect to find a job with that degree huh?’
  • but then she co-founds an accounting firm, “epiros”, which goes swimmingly

ptolemy

  • family friend, but works at the park
  • keeps pretending he’s philip’s bastard son
  • he’s not
  • delusions of grandeur
  • had a mummy phase as a kid

krateros

  • a bit of an alexander bum-kisser
  • hates hephaistion
  • the feeling is mutual, because only hephaistion’s mouth gets to be anywhere near alexander’s bum

philotas

  • works at the wildlife park
  • except they discover that he dissed alexander in an article on the park in the local paper
  • i.e. he gets interviewed anonymously but some of his quotes make it v obvious that it was him
  • needless to say he gets fired
  • they also stop speaking to his dad
  • hephaistion gets REALLY ANGRY about this affront to his boyfriend and runs an extensive smear campaign against philotas on social media in the form of incendiary memes that damn his credibility

darius

  • the guy next door with the really nice persian gardens
  • sadly, that macedonian kid with the bloody farm doesn’t appreciate Culture and keeps trespassing (i.e. building shit on his land and daring him to call the council)
  • darius doesn’t dare
  • instead he fucks off to where no one can get him (tasmania) and people will enjoy flowers more (tasmania)

roxana

  • used to work as a landscaper for darius, but alexander co-opts her into working for the wildlife park to make it look like he’s not just forcefully taking over (he is)
  • at least the animals have really nice grounds to wander now?
  • her family is from tajikistan
  • alexander won’t stop asking if it’s a real country
  • OR appropriating her culture
  • but she’s actually really fun to be around when you’re not being slightly racist to her 98% of the time
  • good friends with perdikkas

stateira

  • darius’ eldest daughter
  • a classical history nerd
  • to her father’s consternation, studying ancient greek
  • “how can you betray me like this! the language of our enemies” “dad wtf even GREEKS NOW can’t speak ancient greek, much less that macedonian kid”
  • doesn’t stop darius sending her over to try and negotiate in ancient greek
  • everyone is confused as fuck because she just starts conjugating verbs at them
  • also her sister drypetis is gay and chummy with hephaistion

sisygambis

  • the matriarch of darius’ family
  • doesn’t speak english but practically adopts alexander because she sees his culturally-appropriating ways as genuine cultural appreciation
  • also thinks hephaistion is hot
  • keeps winking at him and pinching his bum when he walks past
  • also, last but not least

bucephalas

  • a horse

I’d like to thank @dirtydeetaurasi for the inspiration