MAY I SAW HIM YESTERDAY AT THE CONCERT AND I’M IN TEARS AGAIN ABOUT HOW PERFECT HE IS. HE MADE THE VLIVE AFTER OUR CONCERT AND I SAW IT THIS MORNING AND NOW I’M HOME AGAIN AND DEAD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! ♡
Resident angel bang yongguk is the absolute cutest thing! 🌸
Look. Look here. This boy. I still know nothing. I don’t have time for this. But he’s just
asdlfhdafb. I would probably cry if I saw him too, and I don’t even know him. I’m not sure I could handle getting to know him. My heart might break with the knowledge that he exists and I can’t have him.
If I ever do get into BAP… you can rest assured that it is because of this boy right here.
This is just my speculation, probably not even close to reality. It’s just how imagine them :) Ara~
1.Baekhyun: I kind of think he would be very polite at the beginning, show a lot of respect; maybe he would even be a little bit timid. But then he would slowly try to get along, try to know a little about you, try to talk about anything and even make you laugh. I think Baek is that sort of person that becomes your friend without you even realizing. So yeah, I think meeting Baekyun wouldn’t be awkward at all because he’s that easy going and knows exactly who he is and knows how to break that barrier.
2.Chanyeol: Just like Baekhyun, I think Chanyeol is very easy going to. But unlike Baek, Chanyeol would start with the jokes from second one. Maybe you’ll get a hug too. Of course just by staring at him you’ll burst into laughter and he will too. I kind of think that meeting Chanyeol is like one of those days that you can say “today was the best day of my life”, not just becaus he’s an idol and maybe your bias, I just kind of think he’s an amazing person, our happy virus, someone that can make you forget all your troubles in just one second. And he knows it, and he is so pure and probably will try his best while he’s with you/anyone.
3.Jongdae: I kind of think it would be a little bit awkward at the beginning. Even though this boy is all love and also has an easy going personality, sometimes I feel like he’s a cute smol bean when he’s alone and meeting new people. Maybe it’ll be that kind of moment where both of you just say “uhmm.. hey… uhmm what’s up… uhmmm” and as you two start talking, he’ll open more and from one moment to another he’ll make you feel comfortable enough to look at him in the eye. I kind of also picture him blushing a little and even take a picture with you, making some awkward jokes that will end up in a lot of laughs as the awkwardness breaks.
4.Jongin: I think there are like two versions of Nini. The smol shy bean and the all funny boi. If you meet the first one, it’ll end up in a lot of bows, so much cute awkward silences, maybe him stepping on your foot accidentally, blushing faces, and little smiles. And if you meet the second one, it’d be like you two were best friends since childhood, he’ll make jokes, maybe tickle you, take some pictures, call sehun to help him tickling you, and so on. But leaving that aside, I think that meating Nini would be unforgettable, he’s an angel.
5.Junmyeon: Meeting Junmyeon would be like meeting your hero and your dad’s friends in one person… Like I think he’s so so so polite (which I admire so much) and he’s such a great person that one must think that even breathing is wrong because there’s so much perfection going on there, in front of your eyes, that you don’t want to interrupt that or something xD. But I also think that he woudl try so so hard on making things less awkward, yet he would be so polite, explaining his jokes and everything and you would be in such awe because… he is perfect. Did I mention he’s perfect? (And no, he isn’t my bias xD) But yes, I kind of think one would stand just there, trying to think what’s going on while he does the talking and the smiling and the pictures and the friendly things and bonding stuff and being perfect xD.
6.Kyungsoo: (I LOVE THIS BABY SO MUCH) Okay so, meeting Kyungsoo would be like… scary? Not because he’s scary or something, he’s just too serious, probably too shy around new people. Honestly I would just stand there and probably he would just stare at me/you/anyone, trying to figure out what to say and/or do. He would give a gentle smile and be sooooooooooooooo polite and if he manages to feel a little bit comfortable even make a funny comment. I kind of think of him as that kind of person that is hard to first talk to but then as it goes you end up talking about how the universe was created, or how your cat ended up sleeping on your head XD So yeah, I kind of picture it as a weird encounter, maybe a little bit awkward at the beginning but one of a kind.
i’m love roadhog? i’m love roadhog. dxgfchjbk i love him so much. im gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay… he’s so beautiful!!! so. beautiful. i want to kiss him. im gonna smooch him. im gonna crawl into his lap and fUCIGn KISS HI M right on the fuckign F ACE AAAAAAAAAAAA. i wanna. fall asleep. in his big. meaty. arms. oh my god i love roadhog. i love mako “roadhog” rutledge im want to give him a roadHUG dfgthujilkjhjfchgjk he is. the best. he is perfect. did i mention that i love him. i love roadhog. i loooooooooooooooooooooove roadhog. if roadhog punched me in the face i would thank him. aaaa i wanna cuddle him,, he is soft and warm. fucking incredible. i love roadhog. im gay for roadhog. i love roadhog.
Urgh, I hated this time of the month. The cramps were unbearable and…SHIT. I bent over in pain and groaned. I walked clumsily towards the kitchen, fumbling for a glass of water. My phone blew up with Harry’s ringtone.
“What?” I demanded. I was moody and annoyed with life in general.
“Woah. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed today or something?” He asked, his voiced teasing me over the phone.
“Urgh…Harry….drop it, ok?"
"What’s wrong, love Can I help?” He asked, this time he wasn’t teasing anymore.
“Nothing, ok. Nothing.”
“Oh. I get it, I know…it’s your time of the month, isn’t it? OH. Now it makes sense. Can I get you anything from the ladies departme-”
“HARRY!!” I laughed into the phone. I felt my cheeks heat up and mumbled a quick goodbye before dropping the phone and proceeding to lay on the couch and watch TV.
A few hours later and I was still in the same position, dozing in and out of sleep. I woke up with a jolt when I heard someone walk in. Harry strode in the living room, handsome as ever and kissed my light on the forehead before placing a plastic back in front of me.
“OK, so we have Chunky Money and Cookies n’ Cream. I couldn’t remember which was your favourite, so I got both. I have a large supply of tampons and pads-”
“Harry…” I warned, covering my heated cheeks with my hands. He laughed heartily and continued,
“And, seeing as you’re feeling quite down and I’m your boyfriend and have made it my life mission to make you smile, I have rented The Notebook.” God, he was so sweet. ice cream, movies…him? What else could I possibly want?
“Harry, did I mention that you’re perfect?" I said, walking slowly towards him until he was arms length from me and he pulled me towards him.
"Nope, not today.” He said, cheekily.
“Well you are. Love you.” I whispered before kissing him gently.
*Inhale* *Exhale* I’ll try to be as detailed as possible! A lot of the night went by like a dream… My friends and I were seated in the middle 103 section fairly close to the stage. The seats were spacious and roomy (though I doubt anyone really used them because we spent a good majority of the concert standing).
When the concert began the whole sadness over the high-touch dilemma lifted instantly. The opening VCR began with news about sightings of UFOs and eventually the First Sensibility Intro started playing with the screen flashing lyrics from the song here and there. ALL THAT ECHOED THROUGH MY MIND WAS “THE KING IS BACK!” I SWEAR B.A.P WAS TRYING TO KILL US BECAUSE THE CONCERT STARTED OUT WITH A BANG! AND WHEN I SAY BANG I MEAN ONE SHOT FOLLOWED UP BY BADMAN AND POWER! The screen read “B.A.P LIVE ON EARTH 2014 DALLAS ATTACK!” before being rained on by bullets and sounds of sirens. When One Shot began the cover lifted to reveal the six members.
After those three songs were played, a cute VCR “What is Love?” went on the screen with Jokomato (Youngjae) and Totomato (Zelo) talking about what love was. It was really cute and funny with Totomato being completely clueless comparing love to spiciness because a person turns red, magnets, and puppies ahah! The VCR then ended with “LOVE IS…” and Lovesick started playing! After Lovesick a small cart was pulled onto the stage with a Matoki parody of the Starbucks logo reading “Starbabyz” instead. Daehyun was saying how he really wanted a drink and Youngjae was sipping on orange juice in the back. The members went around asking some people in the front row what kind of drink they wanted (orange juice, coffee, or coke). When Zelo delivered juice to a girl he did a little dance before and babyz went wild. Jongup also delivered a drink to someone. At this point a lot of the small talk conversations blurred in my mind for I was at the stage of being starstruck. And as you can guess…they soon began their song Coffee Shop!
Don’t even get me started on Body & Soul after Coffee Shop. The boys stripped their blazers off to reveal their white undershirts, some loosening their ties a bit. BODY & SOUL WAS JUST…WOW…I have no words other than intense sensual dancing and I don’t even know what to call this but THEY DID THE THING. THEY DID THE THING. ALL THE MEMBERS WENT EAGLE SPREAD ON THE FLOOR WITH THEIR CROTCHES THRUSTED UP INTO THE AIR WHILE LITERALLY GRINDING AND OH MY GOD Y'ALL OH MY GOD. They then performed Punch and No Mercy after that and at this point I was screaming incomprehensibly and half choking on my blood curling screams and half sobbing over their amazingness. (Really, apologies to anyone seated near me). Bangx2 was played, then Rain Sound (DID I MENTION THEY SOUND SO PERFECT LIVE?), then Jongup’s dance solo WHERE HE SLAYED AYYY JONGUP~ I don’t exactly recall what was played after this baha…
Two members came out in these super silly horse masks for the VCR “Learn the Dance from Mato Planet” I laughed really hard when it said it would help us control our hormones. LOL. A part of the dance involved turning to the person on either side of you and giving them a high five. I also laughed when it said even if there was no one next to you…do it anyways. The girl to my right was really sweet and we couldn’t help but grin widely at each other while doing it. In the VCR there were instructions of what not to do like keeping a sad/straight face on when high-fiving and the members were acting that out. Check On played in which the short choreo we learned was incorporated. It was so wonderful seeing everyone dance and laugh like that! Excuse Me was then performed, followed by SPY with everyone’s cute booty shaking. I really like the choreo to SPY, especially Youngjae’s parts!
The roofs were then raised with Hurricane! It felt like a party the whole concert. B.A.P performs with so much energy and excitement it’s amazing. Dancing in the rain went on, followed by Stop It, and then Crash.
During the talk session Zelo said how there were only 4 songs left and Daehyun then said “shit.” LOL. Babyz seemed so confused at first and then we busted out laughing. I didn’t think that word could ever sound so cute coming from someone? Himchan was very soft spoken with his English but he looked pleased whenever we cheered him on. Youngjae went around asking what each member represented and when he got to Himchan he said “Himchan is…?” and babyz started screaming “SEXY!” bahahah! Youngjae then said “Sexy?” in an approving manner and when he asked us again what Himchan was we all screamed sexy and he shook his head with this hilarious expression of sass. When Youngjae got to Jongup babyz screamed 6-pack, chanting it in hopes of seeing his chocolate abs. (We didn’t get to see his abs then though) Youngjae was real pleased when he got to himself and babyz screamed “SEXY!” hahaha! They told us how they really liked Dallas and even went to the Rangers game! I believe it was Jongup who mentioned Shin-Soo Choo and the members started chanting “Choo! Choo! Choo!” while the babyz also joined in. Zelo beat boxed here and there and there was another moment where he was speaking and suddenly went “Choo! Choo! Choo!”. Yongguk laughed and ducked his head down, face palming. I also noticed there were a lot of Youngjae and Daehyun moments together.
THERE WAS THIS MOMENT WHERE YOUNGJAE AND I HAD EYE CONTACT AND I WAS LITERALLY THROWING HEARTS AT HIM WITH MY STUPID ARMS WAVING FRANTICALLY IN THE AIR AND OH MY GOD THE EYE CONTACT!!! AND THEN HE MADE A HEART BACK AND AGFDJGFDAG MY HEART.
Sometime nearing the end talk thing babyz kept chanting 6-pack so Youngjae and Daehyun ran up to Jongup and peeked under his shirt to check if his 6-pack was okay before revealing it to us. The members looked over to Yongguk (hehe, authority figure!) and Yongguk nodded in approval. Jongup was playfully refusing all the while. They brought him to the center of the stage and counted to 3 before LIFTING HIS SHIRT TO REVEAL HIS JAW DROPPINGLY DELICIOUS ABS OF HEAVEN OH MY GOD JONGUP IS AN ANGEL G00DBYE. Ahem. Anyways.
Their outfits during 1004 were my favorite. Beautiful white with glimmering jewels on their coats. They all really looked like angels! They left the stage for an outfit change to get ready for Warrior, telling us to count down with the timer displayed on the screen. (That thing cheated though because it paused every now and then to buffer.) I loved hearing the whistles during Warrior.
I don’t even know what to say anymore… B.A.P are wonderful performers. I think I missed a lot of details and jumbled some events out of order but it was so much to take in! What a beautiful night~
It’s late, I’m tired and I’ve had a pretty emotional day. I hope you all enjoy this. Thank you for the kind words.
Saturday the 29th of May 11:59pm
Dear Diary, When you picture your life it always seems to be in the context of a movie. You’ve got the rough beginning, the long drawn out middle, and the happily ever after at the end. I guess knowing that the ending is coming, makes the other two parts worth it. Thing is, sometimes the middle is the happy part. Sometimes you get stuck there, wondering around aimlessly avoiding the ending because deep down you know, girls like you don’t get the fairy tell.
I thought I would be different, that for once I would get my happy ending, but I guess that’s what all girls think really.
Finn and I broke up.
Three whole days. That was all we had.
I would tell ya the whole story, but I’m just not ready yet.
Deep down I’m still wishing it were all just a dream.
Dear Diary, I’ve come to the conclusion that It was not in a dream, as the dream I had last night was far worse than I could have even imagine.
I guess I better just tell you what happened.
Finn got some random girl pregnant.
The worst part of it all is not that it happened. Because I know it was before I came back so it’s not like he cheated on me or anything.
The worst part is that he treated the girl so poorly that I felt bad for her. Yes bad for the women who destroyed my happy ending. I repeat. I felt bad for HER!
He tried to talk me though it all. He held me and tried to tell me everything was going to be fine. He tried to explain that it was a one night stand when he was drunk. He tried to get me to understand that he loved me and that she meant nothing, but I couldn’t get past it. I sat on his bathroom floor for thirty minutes bawling my eyes out and then I ran away.
How could a women carrying your child mean nothing to you? That’s the worst part.
Chloe was right, he really had changed.
I haven’t got out of bed yet today. The idea of facing the day is too much.
I’m going back to sleep and hopefully this time there won’t be any more dreams.
Dear Diary, I think I might possibly be in the third stage of grief. RAGE.
I hate Finn Nelson. I hate his stupid hair, his stupid earring, his stupid smile, his stupid flat, his stupid eyes, his stupid face, and his stupid penis.
Most of all I hate his stupid voice.
This is what the conversation I had with him today went like.
Dickhead: Please just talk to me, tell me what I can do to fix this.
Me: You can start by calling that girl and apologizing to her for the way you treated her. She’s the mother of your child for gods sake.
Prick: Rae, please listen to me, she is not even really pregnant. Just let me in so I can talk to you.
Me: I heard her Finn, I saw the picture of the sonogram she gave you.
Asshole: I’m not the first guy shes has done this too, she probably has a whole stack of those pictures somewhere at her flat.
Me: How can you say such horrible thinks about her.
Wanker: Because, Rae she stalked me for months. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she slipped something in my drink. I barely remember that night!
Me: Then how do you know you used a condom.
Knob Head: Because it was on me when I woke up! Come on Rae, you know I can barely even get hard when I get drunk.
Me: Listen Finn, I don’t want to see you until you figure your shit out. And If I hear you’ve been rude to that women, then I’ll never speak to you again. Nobody deserves that. What if it had been me who you got pregnant! Is this how you would have treated me? Called me a liar?
Tosser: It’s not the same thing!
Me: It is Finn. Please just go. I can’t do this right now.
Can you even believe his nerve?
I’m going to cry myself to sleep now. I miss Finn. Worst part is I feel like I’m being a jerk. Like I should be there helping him sort this shit out. I just can’t it hurts too much. I wrote him a letter today.
Dear Diary, Sorry I haven’t written the last few weeks. Things have been a bit crazy and intense. I got through another break up with Finn, without hurting myself this time. You would be proud.
I even saw him at the pub last night by himself drinking a beer. He said hello, I said Hi and that was that.
Right now I am on the train to London to meet up with Raven and I’m really nervous. I know I shouldn’t be because I’ve spent the last three weeks working on my proposal for the radio station and according to Chloe, its ‘the shit’.
I swallowed my pride and asked Mr. Nelson if I could rent the flat from him. He of course said I could use it for free, but Raven would never allow that. I had tried my hardest to find a place that worked, but Finn was right. The space above the garage was perfect. I tried not to think about having to possibly run into him every single day. The weekends at the pub, was hard enough.
He hadn’t tried to talk to me since the last time I wrote. We’ve said hello here and there, and I think I sometimes hear Chloe talking about him with Izzy, Archie and Chop, but for the most part life has been pretty dull.
Have I mentioned how much I miss him?
I think a part of me is hurt that he just gave up., not that I wanted him to fight for me. That’s not what this is about. It’s about him not taking his responsibilities seriously. I lost a bit of respect for him that day. I was serious, before we could talk he needed to figure his shit out.
I think when I get back tomorrow I am going to swallow my pride and ask Chloe if she knows whats going on with that girl. I’m sure she does as she’s been dodging me these last few days.
Did I mention that I met her boyfriend Eddy. He is wonderful and so perfect for Chloe. I’m glad she’s finally realized she deserved more than just some stupid twat. I can totally see them getting married.
Izzy is starting to show. It’s so cute. It’s just a little tiny bump, but you can see it through her clothes. I wish I could be more excited for her, but it just makes me think of Finn and how he’s gonna be a dad to someone else’s kid.
Before I start to cry on this train, I’m going to take a nap. I haven’t been sleeping that well lately.
Tuesday the 15th of June 9:50am
Dear Diary, London was brilliant. The meeting went so well that we went out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. I got to meet a few more of the label executives and Raven even bought me this sexy dress, which I am now wearing.
It’s hard to explain, but I feel so confident when I’m around her. Like she thinks the world of me, so I do too. I wish I could always feel like that especially around Finn. I can’t wait to see Kester when I get back. I’ve got a few things I need to work out.
I can’t wait to tell the gang that we’ve been approved for a one year slot. I also can’t wait to give them each the contract. It’s going to be brilliant to see the look on their faces when i tell them that in two weeks time we all get to travel to London to sign them all together. I even got one for Finn.
After having a heart to heart with Raven I know I need to forgive him.
It really wasn’t his fault.
Yeah he shouldn’t have acted like a total knob head, but who was I to judge him for it. I can’t imagine what being told 'You are going to be a dad’ must feel like.
Maybe he just had to deal with it in his own way.
When did I become the girl who just turned her back? I guess always is the answer to that.
I want to be different now. I know it won’t fix things with Him and I, but at least I’ll have my friend back.
Let’s just hope we can be friends after everything that has come to pass. I don’t want to give my hopes up.
Anyways, I’m almost back in Stamford and Chlo is picking me up.
Thanks for listening Diary, (Not that you had a choice)
“Look, before you bite my head off, I asked Chloe If I could pick you up so we can chat.”
Finn was not who Rae was expecting to see when she got off the train, but he was a welcomed sight. I guess now was a good a time as any to have that little chat.
“S'okay Finn, where ya parked at?” she started walking to the car park when he offered to take her bag.
“No, it’s okay really, its not that heavy.” she said slinging her pack over her shoulder.
“I have a lot I want to say to ya.” he said climbing in the car after closing the trunk. “You look great by the way, I hope your trip was good.” he sounded so formal. It sucked.
“I have some things to say too Finn, but you can go first.” she offered. She could tell that he was full of nerves and his hands were shaking on the wheel.
“Did you want to talk here, or when we get back to my place?”
“Can we talk when we get back to your house?”
“Yeah sounds good.” She replied as he started the car and drove off. The radio was on, but her mind was focused on what she was going to say to him. They pulled up out front and turning off the car, he turned to look at her.
“I’ve been in hell the last few weeks and even though I’ve wanted to come to you a million times, I wanted to respect what you asked me to do. Rae, that girl shes not pregnant like she said she was. I’ve gone and checked.”
Without meaning too Rae release a little gasp. Relief flooding her, and she was doing a happy dance in her head, but she reminded herself to keep calm and let him finish.
“I found out the night after you told me to leave, when we talked through the door at your house. All I wanted to do was to come to you and tell you, but I couldn’t because I was still so messed up. I had found out the truth, but it didn’t really fix all the shit in my head.”
“Look Finn about all the things I said. I was hurt, angry, sad, I didn’t know how to feel. The man I loved was having a baby with someone else. I didn’t mean to push you away. Especially because I think that now I realize you probably needed me the most. It wasn’t fair of me to behave that way, you deserved better.”
“That’s the thing Rae. When Marie told me she was pregnant, I didn’t believe her. I knew she was lying, but a little part of me didn’t care either way. Because there’s always going to be something isn’t there? There is always going to be something that makes one of us run away. Look at our history. We spend so much time running for how we’re feeling that we don’t even know how to be happy. There is never going to be a happy ending for us, because I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m always waiting for you to realize that I’m not what you want. I can’t live like that. I can’t live constantly expecting you to go away.”
The confession hit her like a ton a bricks. Not because what he was saying didn’t make sense, but because it made too much sense. It was how she had been feeling since the first time he told her he liked her. Like she never believe him and even till this day she still always thought he could do better.
"But don’t you see Finn, I feel the exact same way. I’m not going to run away this time and I know saying those words doesn’t help you, but I need you to hear them. I know I handled this situation wrong and I shut you out, but I didn’t run. I stayed. In fact, I wrote you a letter each and every single day. I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t connected to you in some way.” a tear fell down her cheek and he used his thumb to wipe it away.
“I just don’t know how to believe that this time your going to stay” he frowned looking away. “It killed me when you left for Bristol, killed me when you stopped calling, killed me to see how much I hurt you last month. I’m in constant fear that I’m going to break you.”
“You just have to trust me when I say that you are the reason I fixed myself. I was broken, but it was you who made me realize I deserved to fix myself. And if it takes you a while to trust me, just know that I am going to wait.” She owed him that much at least. “Do you think you could do me a favor?”
“Anything” he said without skipping a beat.
“Will you go and have a visit with Kester tomorrow? I think it might give you some insight into why I’ve done the things I have and how we got to this place.”
“I…I don’t know Rae, I don’t know that…”
“Just please go and see him.”
“Okay, if you think it will help me not feel the way I’m feeling, I’ll go.”
“Thank you,” she smiled giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Finn, can you promise me something?”
“Promise me that no matter what happens. If you see Kester tomorrow and decide that this can’t go any further. If you decide that you don’t want to be with me, I need you to trust that I will be okay. As long as we can talk like this and be honest with each other than we’re going to be okay. Even if that means that we are just friends.
"I promise, you May.” he said causing her to laugh through the tears.
“I’d still like to give you the letters if you’d let me.” she asked shyly.
“Yeah I’d like that.” he said grabbing her hand with a squeeze. “Rae, I’ve been miserable without you.”
“I know Finn, me too. But, I promise we’re going to get through this. I’m going to show you that you can trust me when I say I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m trying real hard Rae. I just don’t think I can lose you again.”
“You won’t” she said promising him. This was a promise she intended to keep.