The Fox Didn’t Want Those Grapes Anyway

Trump is going to spin his refusal to attend the White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “thumbing his nose at the fake news,” or maybe “I have real work to do, I don’t have time for this nonsense,” or something. The truth is, this is absolutely killing him – for many reasons.

1. This whole miserable era of our lives started at the WHCD in 2011, when Seth Meyers (and Obama himself) tore Trump into small pieces, and then tore those small pieces into smaller pieces, and then threw those pieces up into the air like LeBron James throwing chalk before a home game. Watch that video, and look at Trump’s face – the utter lack of self-awareness, the complete inability to engage in the smallest bit of humility. What a doof. Meyers later reached out to Trump in a “it’s all in good fun!” kind of a way, and Trump laughed and shook his hand and said “Hey, bud, no worries! You were funny and I can laugh at myself!” Just kidding. He was a sour asshole.

2. So: this WHCD was supposed to be his great revenge. (Well, winning the Presidency was his first revenge, this was to be the second.) He wanted to stroll in there triumphantly and lay waste to the haters and losers who mocked him five years ago. This was gonna be some real “Kill Bill”-type revenge stuff – I’m the goddamn President, and now I’m up here, and you have to laugh my MY jokes and respect ME. But he can’t. He has absolutely painted himself into a corner by making the media the enemy in an attempt to explain away the absurd and possibly treasonous actions of his campaign and administration. No way he can set foot in that room. He’ll be torn apart again.

3. And make no mistake – this pains him. Because all the man wants is attention. He positively lives for the warm glow of suck-uppy fawning. He got a lot of it from his campaign rallies – which is certainly why he continues to have them long after they make any sense at all – but those are just people. Suck-uppy fawning from the poorly-educated is fine. It’ll get him through the day. But it’s no substitute for suck-uppy fawning from rich society elites. That’s the good stuff. That’s the pure blood, for this particular vampire.

4. Trump is dying to be in that room, in a tuxedo, holding court and watching the grimacing faces of every important media figure in America as he lays waste to their sad attempts to take him down. But he can’t. Because, first of all, he is an absolutely terrible joke deliverer, as his Al Smith Dinner speech proved beyond the shadow of a doubt. And second, because he’s a wimp who can’t take the heat. Bill Clinton attended this event at the height of the Lewinsky scandal, for goodness sake. Trump is scared, and once he realized things weren’t going to go his way, he did what wimps do: he wimped out.

5. There is a legitimate argument to be made over whether the WHCD should even exist – it’s kind of gross, and unseemly, and certainly raises questions about whether the press who are supposed to inform the public about the goings-on of its elected officials should be co-opted by hob-nobbing with those self-same officials at a black tie gala. But I kind of like it, because it shows that America has a sense of humor about itself, and that its leaders can take a punch and laugh it off. It’s an event that reminds us how lucky we are not to have a thin-skinned dictator running the country – the kind of tyrant who throws people in jail for criticizing him. The problem is, we now have one of those thin-skinned dictators in power. He can’t throw everyone in jail for making fun of him, so he’s doing the next-best thing: he’s taking his ball and going home.

I think it’s interesting that almost every totalitarian leader in the 20th and 21st century has posed with small children for propaganda purposes. You know, to soften their image as an iron fisted dictator.

And then there is Victoriano Huerta…


When you’re a ruthless dictator, your peer group is relatively small. Therefore, it’s extremely important to stay on good terms with the others by giving gifts and participating in some mutual ego-stroking. With Zimbabwe’s economy circling the drain, Mugabe needed a way to make a grand gesture on the cheap, so he did what any level-headed, practical person would do: He rounded up a bunch of animals from a national park and shipped them to his friends.

Mugabe’s most recent gift (and the largest by far) was a “Noah’s Ark” of animals sent to North Korea’s Kim Jong-il in 2010. Drawing criticism from animal rights groups and anyone with a common sense, the ark contained pairs of various animals, including giraffes, zebras, and 18-month old baby elephants that were too young to leave their mothers. 

This alone would be a tragic event, but remember that the Crazy Dictator’s Zoo Starter Kit is Mugabe’s favorite gift. In the 1980s, he sent two endangered rhinos to North Korea, where they died a few months later. Clearly not one to learn from his mistakes, he sent two other rhinos to what was then Yugoslavia, where they soon died tragically, if not unpredictably. By now, he’s just using zoo animals as currency, paying China for a military debt by sending them 35 elephants, eight lions, 12 hyenas, and a lone giraffe which he presumably found in his fridge.

7 WTF Acts Of Madness Committed By History’s Worst Dictators


“My methods are a means to an end, no different than pruning weeds in order to let an orchid flourish. Those who stand in the way of my vision oppose me because they fear me, but more than that they fear what I represent. Change. Do you know why I despise Richards? And T'Challa? Because never once have they reined in their own self-righteous arrogance long enough to try and see what I see. Never once have they asked me: why? Do you want to know? Love. Measure my crimes against what mankind does to itself, and I am a saint. … I have looked into the future, I have seen how one violent action after another spins the world toward a future where all that remains of Earth is a burned out cinder. Every time I have looked into the future, that is what I have seen. Every time but one. In one possible future mankind becomes united. Cures for all diseases are found. Global conflict ends. Hunger is abolished. Education is universal. And no one goes without. In that world, there are laws. To break even the slightest of these is to suffer immediate and terminal punishment. … Ten thousand futures have I looked at. A hundred thousand. And in only one does mankind finally unite, and flourish…and survive. Only one. Doomworld.”

-Dr. Doom, Marvel Universe (“Doomwar”)


Toppled Statues of Deposed Dictators

1. Statue of Saddam Hussein toppled in Firdos Square, Baghdad on April 9th, 2003. - After being forcibly removed from office in April 2003 Saddam Hussein was put on trial in Iraq for crimes against humanity. He was found guilty and executed by hanging on December 30th, 2006.

2. Remnants of a statue of Adolf Hitler lie in the destroyed Reich Chancellery in wartorn Berlin, Germany in 1945. - Facing the defeat of the Axis and imminent capture by the Allies or Soviets, Adolf Hitler committed suicide in his bunker on April 30th, 1945.

3. A statue of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin being removed from the town square of Gorgi, Georgia. Gorgi was his hometown. - Soviet era monuments such as this were torn down across Georgia in 2010 following a decree from pro-western President Mikheil Saakashvili. Stalin however had died many decades earlier; on March 5th, 1953 of a stroke.

4. A statue of Soviet dictator Enver Hoxha is torn down in Tirana, Albania by an angry mob. - The statue was torn down following the collapse of Albania’s Communist government in 1990. Hoxha died 33 years ago today on April 11th, 1985 of cardiac arrest.


Iconic Corpse — Ferdinand Marcos

from Ask a Mortician