I don’t think that I have ever truly and fully expressed the deep love that I have for Carl Sagan. Honestly, he is a man I love so much it could make me cry. I don’t know that there has ever been a more awe inspiring human to me. Carl literally saved my life.
I found Carl at a time in my life when I needed him so much. I had hardly left my bed in over a month, maybe longer, when I found Cosmos for the first time. It has been over four years now but I remember it as if it were yesterday. Lying on that mattress on the floor for weeks, months even, hardly moving, in physical pain from the incessant and uncontrollable sobbing. All those feelings of guilt and regret weighing down on me so heavily that even raising an arm started to seem completely out of the realm of possibility. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but somehow, thankfully, I stumbled upon Carl Sagan’s Cosmos.
The Cosmos is all that is or was or ever will be.
I can remember so vividly the way I felt after hearing Carl’s comforting voice for the first time. Something so soothing and reassuring about the way he explained the universe. Something I had never felt.
I lost a little one growing inside me and that is something I think about every day. I no longer dwell on the feelings of remorse, but what happened will always be a part of me. I decided to get this tattoo on the day he would have been born, April 2Oth 2O1O, as a symbol of my everlasting love and appreciation for this beautiful unborn soul.
My Dianthus caryophyllus, more commonly known as a carnation, is red white and pink. Red carnations symbolize a woman’s love and pink are said to symbolize a mother’s love. White symbolizes pure love and good luck, and being striped symbolizes regret and refusal. I could go into much more detail about the meaning this particular flower has, for me and in general, but I think you get it.
After getting this tattoo over my heart, watching and reading Cosmos, and finally starting to feel okay, I knew I would eventually be able to live my life again. In a better way than I could have ever imagined. I am so eternally grateful to Carl and to the little life that never was for shaping me into the human I am today. My life is so incredible and it only seems to get better as the days pass.
This unbelievable man becoming part of the mix is such a joy. Knowing we have our whole lives to spend discovering the universe together fills every fibre of my being with such a profound amount of happiness; I might burst.
“You’re an interesting species. An interesting mix. You’re capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you’re not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other.” -Carl Sagan, Contact