My son couldn’t remember the word for hummingbird, so he called it a “chicken beetle.”
I just ate a sliced deli turkey sandwich with mayo and now I feel like I’m gonna barf.
The full debut album by Leon Bridges is out and it’s just as amazing as I knew it would be.
My boss spent the morning making me look up many different versions of “Here Comes The Breeze” to give me an idea for a future ad campaign and now I don’t ever want to hear that song again.
A coworker showed up wearing a Batman shirt and I’m wearing a Flash shirt and I told him we just need to find a guy in a Superman shirt and then we’d represent the JLA. He asked if we could use Green Lantern, and I said he would do in a pinch.
Another coworker told me that male goats will try to impress female goats by peeing in their own mouths. I’m gonna take his word for it. I have trouble going into a bathroom and using the toilet immediately after someone walks out.
I had to make a sign for the barrels at work because no one can tell the difference between the new trash can and the returnables can. I had to come up with Trash and Not Trash signs, just like our mail system, which clearly states whether the mail has left for the day in giant Gone and Not Gone signs. Soon, everything is going to be labeled exactly what it is because people are morons.
A friend of mine came to visit from Alabama last night. I haven’t seen him since high school. The last time we hung out, we watched Forrest Gump and the whole time, all I could think was how my friend’s voice sounded exactly like Forrest Gump. When the movie was over, he asked me if he talked like that, and I lied and said, no, no, of course not.
Erika Swyler has a book out today. That’s cool. She’s cool.