devin-clark

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3. Feel My Boom

The models gather on a cold beach to film a commercial. How cold is it? Cold enough to make Mikey’s left twit quiver.

The commercial is for Boom Boom Boom, a fictitious deodorant, presumably brought to you by the same folks that produced other great scents like Spyder Byte and the role reversal fragrance.

If you’ll recall, Boom Boom Boom is Tyra’s new-ish term for defined abs. Apparently, this deodorant helps keep your abs looking good. It doesn’t seem like the folks at ANTM understand how deodorant works.

But that’s nothing compared to their lack of understanding on how a commercial is supposed to work. Who wrote the script for this thing? It’s almost like some kind of nonsensical e.e. cummings poem:

Ew. I don’t want to smell anyone’s fierce… with or without deodorant on!

Devin is laughed at for his weird, affected pronunciation of words and Justin should get laughed at for the way he rubs his belly like a proudly pregnant woman.

Nyle definitely has the advantage in this commercial because the audience doesn’t have to actually hear these stupid words pour out of his mouth. Tyra does note that his signing is pretty “ghetto,” though.

If he is guilty of over-doing it with his hand motions, it’s only because Tyra told him to do that. Even Yu Tsai urged him to do his ASL with more emotion. If anything was lost in translation, more power to him for looking like less of an idiot.

My other favorite commercial moments are Courtney’s shifty eyes,

and the fact that, while Lacey is willing to kiss Devin, she still plans on murdering him afterwards.

What a commercial! I’ll take six sticks of Boom Boom Boom. One for each of my soon-to-be awesome abs. 

6 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 22 Ep. 7

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2. Look Out Hadassah - Bello’s Back

I think it’s safe to say that none of us would have missed Bello no matter the duration, but the show should have at least given us a chance to miss him.

For the go-sees, the models still in the competition each select an eliminated model to pair up with. Hadassah passes on teaming with Bello in favor of Ava, correctly anticipating less drama from that partnership. It’s safe to say that Bello doesn’t take it well.

Says the guy who said he wasn’t there to make friends. Open those fake-colored eyes a little further, Bello - you have no friends here. He also thinks people are being “phony” for not choosing him.

Fraudulent? Not wanting to work with Bello seems like the most genuine response I’ve ever heard.  

As the last to choose, Devin gets stuck with Bello and says he’s “devastated” to be his partner. Doesn’t he mean devinstated? (Remember how Kelly Cutrone changed the word “debonair” to “devinair” and thought it was the funniest thing ever?) The best thing about bringing Bello back is the show concocting a seemingly arbitrary way to force rivals Devin and Bello to be partners and then totally fail at the challenge. Each of them considers himself a way better model than the other, yet neither of them could book shit.

At the photo shoot, Delanie, innocently I’m going to assume, asks if Bello and Hadassah have mended fences. Bello calls Hadassah out for ruining their friendship, and Hadassah - a smarter girl than we’ve, like, given her, like, credit for - is unwilling to listen to it. She dismisses him when he tells her he is her only friend in the house. What a manipulative weasel. He wants Hadassah to think he’s her only friend so he can control her.

The fight reignites back at home in the hot tub. Bello starts trying to guilt trip Hadassah again, and Hadassah says she doesn’t like his tone. She doesn’t understand why he’s trying to start drama (probably because he has a limited amount of time to get screen time?) and asks him to talk. Bello insists he’s only being dramatic BECAUSE HE IS PASSIONATE ABOUT THEIR FRIENDSHIP!

Whatever. He says the reason that no one else likes him is because of his friendship with Hadassah, but I’m pretty sure he’s managed to get disliked on his own merit. Over it, Hadassah walks away rather than engage. “Have a great life!” Bello shouts. The further away from him, the greater it’ll be, I reckon.

Undeterred, Bello promises that he’ll be re-entering the competition and that he’ll provide “a whole new taste of crazy.” Geez, he’s already been so loony, I’d hate to see what next-level crazy even looks like coming from Bello.

Fortunately, we won’t have to see what happens next because Bello is eliminated shortly thereafter. Now get out and STAY OUT!

4 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 22 Ep. 9

4. Worst. Sob Stories. Ever

It’s a tradition for Tyra to parade out her semifinalists and make them share their darkest and most personal secrets in order to determine whether they have it what it takes to be a model. On ANTM, a subpar appearance can always be overlooked if the model has some rare disease or tragic accident in her past.

This year, though… it’s like ANTM wasn’t even trying to make us cry! Was this really the best they could find? Where is the Hurricane Katrina survivor? Where is the homeless person? Where is the burn victim? Where is the victim of female circumcision? Where is that one lesbian who was the sole survivor of a plane crash as a kid?  

I’m almost tempted to say that they are putting more focus on finding actual models this year, except they recruited a bunch of freaks and shorties, so that can’t be it. Anyway, you can read about some of their personal tragedies here… and no, don’t worry about grabbing the tissues.

Mame

Mame was the child of a diplomat and lived a privileged lifestyle in Switzerland with cooks and maids. Then she got in one little fight, and her mom got scared; she said, “You’re moving with your aunt and your uncle in Bel Air.” Okay, I might have mixed her story up a bit with the Fresh Prince, but anyway, she gets shipped to her aunt and uncle in America for “stability”’s sake. Apparently, Mame could not stop this because there’s NO arguing with African parents. Maybe, though, there’s just no arguing with her father because he’s a diplomat and therefore always diplomatic.

Just when you think Mame’s story can’t get any sadder, she cries about how she was “raised over the phone.” If only the Line App were around when she was a teenager, I’m sure she’d be much closer to her family.

Dustin

You’ll never guess what’s wrong with this guy. He’s suffering from a long…

… neck. The poor child! At least he’ll never be accused of being a no-neck monster.

His more substantial physical disability is “cauliflower ear.” I initially thought Tyra was babbling nonsense, but apparently that’s a real thing where the ear gets deformed after a wrestler gets bashed  in the head repeatedly. If I were Dustin, I’d be more considered about what those injuries have done to his intelligence than the cartilage in his ears.

Mikey

Believe it or not - and Tyra doesn’t apparently - this poor kid has to PAY HIS OWN BILLS. What has this world come to? Mikey says his childhood was difficult because the “late ‘80s/early 90s was a rough time in the world.” (Pretty sure he’s throwing shade at New Kids on the Block here.) He’s also one of the first males in his family not to go to prison. That’s an accomplishment, I guess, but why aren’t we seeing his formerly incarcerated relative on this show instead? Brother Ricky for ANTM 23! #MugshotRealness #23toLife

Devin

Despite being signed to six modeling agencies, clients never book Devin for actual jobs since he is “not the typical black guy.” He says the constant rejection has left him “messed up in the head.” Again, it is not his fault, it is the lack of modeling gigs that has driven him to his bizarre behavior. We’re praying for you, Devin.

Courtney

No one has ever taken a picture of Courtney in her life! No parents? No friends? The only logical explanation for this is that she was a feral child left alone in the woods until ANTM held a casting call in the forest and welcomed her to the rest of society. Will she be able to handle having OTHER people take her picture? Crossing my fingers for this girl because it is one hell of a story.

Bryant

Bryant is a successful underwear model, but he’s hoping to rebrand himself as more than that. “I’m here to show you that the clothes don’t wear you, you wear the clothes.” So far on this show, Bryant has worn like zero articles of clothing, so mission failed, I’d say.

Delanie

Delanie lost 40 pounds and found her transition from duckling to swan to be difficult. If only you knew what it was like to become really, really, really pretty over a short time span. She was just this ordinary girl and now she’s been forced to enter a modeling competition due to this cursed beauty.

Hadassah

Hadassah is also cursed with beauty - she’s so pretty that people just assume she’s dumb! “A lot of people think I’m not very smart just by looking at me…” she says. That doesn’t sound fair! “… or hearing me talk,” she continues. Wait - hold the phone. If people think you’re dumb after you talk to them, then you’re probably just dumb. But being legitimately dumb might be sadder than having your intelligence underestimated, so I’ll give you a sliver of sympathy, Hadassah.

Maleesa

Maleesa is the shortest person in the competition and that’s horrible because… I dunno, people keep accidentally stepping on her or something?

Justin

Justin’s immigrant parents want him to quit modeling and get a “real job.” You’d think they’d just be glad that he’s not a drug dealer like his sister (okay, technically she’s a pharmacist, but same difference). It’s hard, but he’s already trying to break expectations of what an Asian is supposed to be:

If you say so, Justin.

Lacey

This girl’s parents divorced when she turned 15, and she’s more distraught about the situation than the model who got molested. You know who else’s parents were divorced by the time they were teenagers? Half of America. Don’t waste our time with this shit, Lacey, unless YOU’RE the one who got divorced. If you want to be the next Jourdan, start practicing the line  “I got married at 15 and divorced at 15.”

8 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 22 Ep. 1