devils goalies

Hockey Penalties and other phrases

  • Too many men = too much man.
  • Icing = skate too slow, team too tired
  • “Play is under review” = 4 blind men didn’t see the play and now will spend 15 minutes trying to revive their eyesight.
  • Off-sides = skate too fast, no goal for you, dumb af
  • High sticking = stick to yourself, no one wants your stick in their face.
  • Goaltender Interference = no idea, such bullshit.
  • Roughing = too touch, much bad touch
  • Game Misconduct = very bad touch
  • Fighting = slight scuffle, mostly hugs.

Hockey Fan Starter Kit

  1. Chose a team, doesn’t matter which one, you’ll be called a bandwagoner regardless.
  2. Prepare yourself for at least 10 mental breakdowns, 50 if your team is in the playoffs.
  3. Don’t try the understand the calls because the refs are blind and the rules are a more like guidelines.
  4. Get yourself a beer or wine or any other drink you can turn to when the game infuriates you.
  5. It’s called a penalty box, but I call it a pout palace.
  6. Don’t expect to understand what goalie interference is. It’s like big foot; it might exists but you never see it.
  7. Like goalie interference, offsides is called when its pulled from the ‘stupid reason to blow the play dead’ hat.
  8. You boo Bettman. Doesn’t matter when, where, or what he’s doing - you boo. He feeds of it, like an unpopular hockey vampire.
  9. Pierre McGuire is the Hermione of the hockey world; very smart and educated but occasionally overshares.
  10. Phil Kessel is a stanley cup champion and that’s the only thing you need to know.
  11. Goalies are precious and have never done a single thing wrong. Love them, they’re marshmellow optimus primes.
  12. Fighting isn’t fighting, unless fights are classified as hugging matches to see can squeeze the hardest.
  13. Mike Millbury is the white crayon of hockey; no one wants him and no one cares about what he does.
  14. Don’t throw your jersey onto the ice, it’s rude and (unless you got a small loan of one million dollars from your dad) expensive.
  15. The bond between tendy and defendy is v. strong. Don’t question it.
  16. Finally, have fun. Shit talk other teams, be a die hard fan but don’t be a dick. We already have one Steve Simmons, we don’t need another.