I am fucking begging y'all to not call the dozens of LGBT Latinxs that died one year ago, or any deceased victims of homophobia and transphobia, “q*eer”. It’s so damn disrespectful, and so heartbreaking that y'all have no regard for this word and its violent history. We have no idea who among those people had reclaimed the slur, you have no idea who had vehemently rejected it. Don’t use this slur on people without their consent, especially when they’re not fucking alive to give it. Please. Stop.
I have days when I just don’t feel like myself. I reach inside, and I’m just not there. And it scares me, each time, that I wont come back. What’s left of me doesn’t want to live my life. And if I don’t come back, I feel like I wont have a future.
Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation mid-sentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.
Attachment brings misery, unattachment brings blissfulness. So use things, but don’t be used by them. Live life but don’t be lived by it. Possess things, but don’t be possessed by them. Have things - that’s not a problem. I am not for renunciation. Enjoy everything that life gives, but always remain free.
I miss you like crazy and yet I keep my distance. You are an exercise in self control to me, because no matter how much I love you and miss you. No matter how much I long to here your voice and confirm what your hollow text messages tell me, that you are in fact still okay, you have the power to destroy me. I love you still, in such a consuming way that the attachment to you still gives you control over me. You can still break my heart and spirit, so as much as I wish to hear your voice and catch up, I stay distant. I check in from time to time with pleasant superficial messages all the while hiding how deep my affection for you still truly runs.
“Dissociating is one of the most common responses to abuse and trauma. It involves feeling numb, detached or unreal and (while it happens to everyone once in a while) is experienced more frequently and severely in survivors. Dissociating people vary widely in symptoms and may experience any or all of the things from the following list.
You may be dissociating if you:
• find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything • feel completely numb • feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie. • feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy • lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on • feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream • feel like you’re floating • suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you • feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you • are very startled when someone/something gets your attention completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago • suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason • can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live • find yourself rocking back and forth • become very focused on a small or trivial object or event • find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them. • feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it. • perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you”