As the holidays are almost upon us, roller derby season is on hiatus and your derby wife has abandoned you for her “family” or whatever. In these times some of us find ourselves with a little more time on our hands that we are used. What does one do with herself in the absence of a 3 hr practice and the subsequent icing of injuries? Well, never fear ladies, Hex has got your back. Being fairly practiced at this “dating” thing we keep hearing about, we thought we’d pass on our fool-proof tips for finding yourself a little somethin’ somethin’ during this fine holiday season. After all, it’s cold. Get your a$$ over here, it’s time for snuggling. I SAID TIME FOR SNUGGLING.
Step 1: Find yourself a fancy new sweater. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid!
Step 2: Leave Mr. Sprinkles at home. He’s pretty adorable, but that mischievous little devil has a habit of popping out of your purse at the most inopportune moments. Also, you know how jealous Mr. Sprinkles gets.
Step 3: Have a classy beverage to set the right tone. Remember, you’re trying to put your best foot forward to ease into the evening.
Step 4: For serious, leave the cat at home.
Step 5: When you’re out on the town, strike a pose. This will indicate to your potential mate what a good catch you are through your athletic prowess, rockin’ hot bod, and creativity. A war cry here is purely optional.
Top pick-up lines overheard at Hex Headquarters:
“How do you do? I enjoy your choice of attire. Please remove your pants.” “My biological clock is on fire. Let’s make this happen.” “Mr. Sprinkles loves fedora hats. Do you perchance have one?” “I body check girls as a hobby.” “I’ve had, like, 2 Lokos and 5 Redbulls. I WILL OWN YOU. Wait, what?”
Yowza! Looks like somebody fell in a giant pile of awesome. That reminds us, GIVE US YOUR HAIR. And your speed.
Name: WreckLiz N Dangerous
Team: Lone Star Assassins
League: Assassination City
Years in derby: I started in Dec 2010.
Position: Jammer for the most part, not that great of a blocker yet.
Fave Hex style: I think they are called the Rachel, the high-waisted shorts. Great for Derby!
Fishnets or socks: Socks all the way.
Favorite band (don’t be a music snob): Boondox, Tech N9ne, Sublime (were i got my derby number), Mudvayne, Bob Marley, MSI, SoAD, Tool, i can go on…
Pre bout snack: Anything I can get my hands on, I’m a total fat kid on the inside. Except coffee, I TRY not to drink coffee the day of a game…and I LOVE coffee, drinking it right now.
Derby wife: None at the moment
Derby crush (scandalous!): Are you talking about the people I obsessively stare at when they’re skating? Lol, I don’t know. There are a lot of skaters who I want to be more like, somehow obtain their awesome derby skillz. I did have a Derby crush on Calypso Crash, but she retired right as she was helping me better my hip check, broke my heart.
What got you involved in this zany sport we all love: CASTRO! well and an observer recruitment ad. I saw the ad and called her, she was very excited to say the least.
Tell us about your favorite derby moment (on or off the track): On man that’s hard. I don’t know if I have a favorite, I love it all. Anytime there is not drama its great and I have a blast. The most recent thing I did was skating Fair park for the 4th of July passing out flyers, sounds like work but I had a blast. I would say I have more fun working different events, because you get to know the girls you’re skating with better.
How do you train?: Derby practice 2-3 times a week, sometimes 4. It’s like learning a new language, you pick it up faster if you are completely submerged in it. I also skate trails with friends and walk my dog!
How do you psych yourself up for a bout?: HA! I actually have to calm myself down, I am so nervous the days before a game. I just tell myself its another practice. After I’m on the track though everything is great!
Best injury story?: So far nothing more than rink rash, a sprained ankle and a sore knee.
Which is more rock and roll: a prius or an argyle sweater? Please expound on why: Wow…seeing that I don’t know what an argyle sweater is when compared to a regular sweater, I say prius. Why….well like I said wtf is an argyle sweater?!
Perhaps the holidays for you are a time of joy and warmth. A close knit family sitting around the fireplace in matching reindeer sweaters, all giggling with mirth as they compare stories from the work day, sipping on some delicious cocoa, the family dog curled up at their feet.
For the rest of us, the holidays are a time when we’re reminded that making pies can result in tears, people parking at the mall are absolute assholes, and the dog has eaten no fewer than 3 of your favorite ornaments. Not to mention the trip to the emergency vet when it downed your entire Bûche de Noël. Good thing you spent 3 hours making it in the first place. Whatever, you actually lit last year’s on fire in an equally tragic and entertaining accident concerning some rum and a decorative candle.
Never fear, Hex is here with one of our favorite holiday characters: The Curmudgeonly Scrooge. For those times when all you want to do is have your egg nog to whiskey ratio be a little closer to 0%:100%. Just look at how festive she is!
Disclaimer: I do have a story published in this anthology, but I don’t make any money from it, so you can be sure that the below review is genuine.
Derby Shorts - an anthology of short stories centred around the world of roller derby - was released this year. The anthology was published by For Books’ Sake in collaboration with London Rollergirls and features fourteen stories that each offer their own unique slant on life on the flat track.
Something that struck me right away is that though you can enjoy and understand the book with no prior knowledge of the sport or culture, it’s clear that everyone involved was passionate and well-informed. There’s no undertone of ‘these girls put on fishnets and punch each other hurr hurr hurr’. It’s a matchless blend of love of the sport and expressive talent - essential in any creative endeavour that involves derby.
The editors did a fantastic job on choosing the order of the stories. More stylised pieces were interjected between traditionally written stories and anything too similar was broken up. That said, certain archetypes and tropes did repeat, making the stories better to read each individually, rather than one after another.
A particular favourite was ‘This Is Not Your Great-Great-Great Granddaughter’s Derby’, masterfully chosen as the opening story. It takes the well known disparities between derby of the 70s and the present day and throws it into a discovery period piece any rollergirl will love. It’s also very funny. Likewise, ‘Welcome Home’ saw rollergirls on the hunt for a suitable venue, stepping back from the glamour of bouting to put the behind the scenes, DIY grassroots spirit of derby in the spotlight.
Bold, fully-formed universes leap out from the pages, giving you a tantalising glimpse of stories that could span entire novels if only the word count allowed. Even in the stories which are furthest removed from reality, the scenery is peppered with easily recognisable derby landmarks; teamwork, ambition, violence and tattoos.
Surprisingly there was a large amount of off-track negativity portrayed in the book, although arguably that is only because malice lends itself well to drama. There are only so many stories you can write (or read) about someone finding themselves in roller derby and skating happily into the sunset with their new family. Still the darker pieces were interspersed well enough between tongue-in-cheek humour and heart-warming inspiration so that any remaining bitterness was soon washed away.
Overall, it’s an excellent addition to any rollergirl’s bookshelf and also reliable gift for anyone that’s caught the derby bug. The diversity of plots, writing styles, characters and settings reflects the diversity and awesomeness of the derby community and means that within the pages there’s something for everyone to fall in love with.
Dear God in Heaven. If you haven’t met this woman, what a tragic life you lead. She’s hot as hell and we can personally attest a demon on the track. Everyone wants to grow up to be just like her. Hand to Derby Jesus.
Name–Luna-tick Tick BOOM
Team–Bombshell Brigade/Special Ops
League–Assassination City Roller Derby
Years in derby– 2
Fave Hex style – Bike Shorts
Fishnets or socks?– Socks!!!
Favorite band (don’t be a music snob)—Ummm…..Not really sure about that…..I am more of a “Rap and R&B”-type girl…but if I had to pick one, I would say….yeah, no…i don’t have a good answer.
Pre bout snack– Uncrustable (Hellz YEAH!!!)
Derby wife– Pow Powell Wheels/Button Thru
Derby crush (scandalous!)– Cra-C of Assassination City Roller Derby (Let’s be serious…..who in the free world doesn’t have a crush on her and her awesomess!?! If it you…You’re CRAZY! Ha!)
What got you involved in this zany sport we all love? Was a “rink rat” as a kid, but it had been a good ten years since I had been on skates when I joined. I heard about roller derby in Dallas, did a little research and found ACRD. Jumped right in….and have been LOVING every minute of it! Wish I would have found it years ago.
Tell us about your favorite derby moment (on or off the track).– My mom getting to see me play for the first time. When I first started she was diagnosed with breast cancer and was receiving chemotherapy. She has been cancer-free for a year now, and recently had a chance to see me play. It made for a very awesome moment and my favorite derby moment, thus far.
How do you train? I practice usually three to four days a week….and when I am not on skates, working, or doing papers for grad school….I swim.
How do you psych yourself up for a bout? By getting my team pumped.
Best injury story? So far I am SUPER blessed to have not had any serious injuries.
Which animal is more fierce: a Sea Bear or a Zombie Alligator? Please expound on why. Zombie alligator….most definitely, he is dead already….what can he possibly have to lose.