The most important shit you should know about The Germany National Football Team™ (yes suck it  up americans, i'm callin’ it football not soccer)

[Warning: long long post]

○ Alright so the official title of the team is “deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft der Männer”, lit. “german national football team of men”. I guess. But that’s a tiny bit too long so there are several “nicknames” too, namely: “Die Mannschaft” (”the team”), “Nationalelf” (”national eleven”), DFB-Elf (”DFB eleven”), DFB-Auswahl (”DFB selection”) and DFB-Team (”DFB team”). [DFB is the “deutscher Fußballbund”, so the German Football Association btw]. {Yes, we’re very creative, I know}.

○ Head coach: Joachim Löw (since 2006) (or: Jogi Löw, that’s his nickname)

This is him. He has resting-bitchface syndrome but we still love him.

○ Captain: Bastian Schweinsteiger (since 2014) (nickname: Schweini)

Apparently it’s impossible to pronounce his name when you’re not German.

○ Top Scorer: Miroslav Klose (71) (nickname: Miro Klose)

Literal cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.

○ Most caps: Lothar Matthäus (150) (nickname: Loddar)

Known for his like 300 ex-wifes lmao

○ current FIFA ranking: 4. (2nd June 2016)


Appearances: 18 (First in 1934)
Best result: Champions in 1954, 1974, 1990, 2014


Appearances: 12 (First in 1972)
Best result: Champions in 1972, 1980, 1996


Appearances: 2 (First in 1999)
Best result: Third place, 2005




○ Manuel Neuer (nickname: Die Wand = the wall)

- #1

- 30 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 69 ayyy B)

- an actual meme and probably proud of his meme status too

○ Bernd Leno

- #12

- 24 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Marc-André ter Stegen

- #22

- 24 years old

- goals: 0

- caps:  6


○ Shkodran Mustafi

- #2

- 24 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 11

- my bae

○ Jonas Hector

- #3

- 26 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 18

- squishy

○ Benedikt Höwedes

- #4

- 28 years old

- goals: 2

- caps: 38

○ Mats Hummels

- #5

- 27 years old

- goals: 4

- caps: 49

- everybody’s crush probably

○ Emre Can

- #14

- 22 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 6

○ Jonathan Tah

- #16

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Jérôme Boateng

- #17

- 27 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 63

- i wanna be his neighbour


○ Sami Khedira

- #6

- 29 years old

- goals: 5

- caps: 64

- the fact about him that EVERY german knows: he dated Lena Gercke (a german model)

○ Bastian Schweinsteiger (nickname: Schweini)

- #7

- captain

- 31 years old

- goals: 24

- caps: 118

- can’t act to save his life

○ Mesut Özil

- #8

- 27 years old

- goals: 19

- caps: 77

- the fact about him that EVERY german knows: he dated Mandy Capristo (a german singer)

○ André Schürrle

- #9

- 25 years old

- goals: 20

- caps: 55

- everybody’s crush probably #2

○ Lukas Podolski (nickname: Poldi)

- #10

- 31 years old

- goals: 48

- caps: 129

- you either loveor hate him, there is no in between

○ Julian Draxler

- #11

- 22 years old

- goals: 2

- caps: 22

○ Thomas Müller

- #13

- 26 years old

- goals: 32

- caps: 75

- hilarious as fuck

○ Julian Weigl

- #15

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Toni Kroos

- #18

- 26 years old

- goals: 11

- caps: 69 ayyy B)

○ Joshua Kimmich

- #21

- 21 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 3


○ Mario Götze

- #19

- 24 years old

- goals: 17

- caps: 55

- so pure, please love him

○ Leroy Sané

- #20

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 3

○ Mario Gómez (nickname: Super Mario)

- #23

- 30 years old

- goals: 29

- caps: 67

Recent call-ups:

(These players have also been called up to the Germany squad within the last 12 months and are still available for selection)

- Kevin Trapp, Ron-Robert Zieler (Goalkeepers)

- Antonio Rüdiger, Sebastian Rudy, Matthias Ginter (Defenders)

- Marco Reus, Karim Bellarabi, Julian Brandt, Christoph Kramer, İlkay Gündoğan (Midfielders)

- Kevin Volland, Max Kruse (Forwards)              

Not part of The Squad™ anymore but they deserve a place on this post:

○ Philipp Lahm

- former captain

- Defender

- smol

- left The Team after the last world cup together with Miroslav Klose and Per Mertesacker and now we suck

○ Miroslav Klose (again) shhh he’s my fave

- top scorer (71 goals) that’s my boy i’m so proud

- Forward

- tol

- famous for his “Klose-Salto” (Klose somersault) after scoring goals (LOOK AT HIM GOOOO)

- he once took a selfie with Rihanna

- received the italian “ethics prize” for fair play, allegiance and social commitment and dedicated it to Michael Schumacher ISN’T HE JUST PRECIOUS

○ Per Mertesacker

- Defender


- one of 140 celebs that promoted the UK’s EU membership with a “love letter” lmao cutie

- Arsenal fans call him “BFG” (Big Friendly - or Fucking - German)

○ Michael Ballack

- Midfielder

- former captain

- we all used to love him but now we don’t really anymore and I’m not entirely sure what happened tbh

- one of the top scorers even though he’s “only” a Midfielder (he’s currently #8 on the list)

○ Franz Beckenbauer

- nickname: “Der Kaiser” (the emperor)

- probably every dad’s fave

○ Gerd Müller

- nickname: “Bomber der Nation” (nation’s bomber)

- he got that nickname because of all the goals he scored, he dropped dem goals like bOMBS

- probably every dad’s fave #2

- he has Alzheimer’s :<


I just spent over 2 hours on this post so I guess that’s it for now~

The atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in German

translated from the Japanese list by @blackteaandlanguages

Japan - Japan
Hiroshima (sometimes Hiroschima) - Hiroshima
Nagasaki - Nagasaki
Little Boy - Little Boy*
Fat Man - Fat Man*
die Vereinigten Staaten von Amerika - United States of America
der Zweite Weltkrieg - Second World War
der Krieg - war
die Kernwaffen - nuclear weapons
die Atombombe - atomic bomb
die Bombe - bomb
das Bombenflugzeug, der Bomber - bomber (aircraft)
abwerfen - to drop
explodieren - to explode
der Atompilz - mushroom cloud
der Schwarze Regen - black rain
der radioaktive Niederschlag - nuclear fallout
der Blitz - flash
die Hitze - heat
die Schockwelle - shock wave
radioaktiv - radioactive
die (radioaktive) Strahlung - radiation
die Strahlenkrankheit - acute radiation syndrome
der Flächenbrand- conflagration
der Feuersturm - firestorm
verbrennen - to burn
töten - to kill
sterben - to die
der Schmerz - pain
das Leiden - suffering
zerstören - to destroy
das Atombombenopfer - victim of atomic bombing
kapitulieren - to surrender
schweigen - to keep silent
verheimlichen - to conceal, to hide
zensieren - to censor
falsch - wrong
unnötig - unnecessary
ungerechtfertigt - unjustifiable
entsetzlich - horrible
schrecklich - terrible

*Little Boy and Fat Man literally translate to kleiner Junge and dicker Mann respectively, but when talking about the bombs the English names are used.

He wasn't Müller or Ronaldo - but give Klose the respect he deserves

The 36-year-old announced his retirement from international football on Monday and must be applauded for his achievements and longevity in the game.

Deep down, I don’t think many people wanted Miroslav Klose to rein in Gerd Müller’s goalscoring record for the Germany national team. Nor did they want him to overtake Ronaldo and become the highest World Cup scorer of all time.

But, the Lazio star did both of those things in 2014. After surpassing Müller in the June friendly win over Armenia, he struck twice at the Brazil finals to move past the ex-Inter and Real Madrid hero. He ended his incredible 13-year, 137-game Germany career by lifting the World Cup itself.

The general vibe about the intertemporal feud between Müller and Klose is that the former deserved to keep it more than Klose deserved to snatch it from him. 

It took ‘Der Bomber’ 62 matches to score 68 times for West Germany. That is barely conceivable. He retired after scoring the winner in the 1974 World Cup final. Müller’s goalscoring ratio, if not the tally, will never be bettered. One of the last football myth-makers, he existed before the overexposure of today’s football stars. When there were secrets and guys were not knocked down because they had a bad game here or there. He, even now, could have been anything in our minds. A legend. You don’t beat legends. 

“Short and fat”, according to one of his early coaches at Bayern Munich. He didn’t move very much, unless he sensed a goal, and would undoubtedly have been labelled a goalhanger in the school yard. Yet his records defy logic. He was, arguably, West Germany and Bayern’s most important player during a time at which they boasted Franz Beckenbauer. Born to score goals.

Klose is nothing if not honest. “It means an awful lot, [to equal Müller’s tally], he said after scoring against Austria in September. "But I do not want you to put me on the same level as Gerd. It’s an absolute joke to compare myself with him.” 

On the numbers alone it would indeed be an absolute joke to compare the two. It took Müller less than half the number of games to reach the same number of goals. Throw in his list of honours and you wouldn’t be long in seeing that any comparison crumbles. But times change. Just as Lionel Messi pinched his record for most calendar goals in a year, Müller’s international exploits are being ravaged by father time. Even Thomas Müller is known as the German number 13 these days. It would be a disservice to the man if, in future generations, people examining goalscoring statistics passed over the man in second place. It would be to fundamentally misinterpret his appeal. 

Instead, Klose’s capturing of Germany’s all-time top-scoring record and his subsequent dethroning of Ronaldo with his strike against Brazil in the semi-finals is a testament to his longevity rather than his explosiveness. Sure, he was quick in 2002 when he first caught the attention in Korea-Japan, but there were no indications that the orthodox, upright, Klose had it in him to effectively lead the line for 12 years.

But that he did, defiantly. He is one of only three players to have scored in four World Cups - the others being Uwe Seeler and Pele. Like him or not, he is a remnant of the days before Germany could count on a superior youth system which has churned out one world-class player after the other in the last decade. Klose has endured even as the landscape of German football changed utterly around him. As Jeremies became Frings and Frings became Khedira and Khedira became Kramer. 

Indifferent club form never prevented him falling out of Joachim Low’s favour even with Stefan Kiessling banging on the door. He saw off another pretender, like he did with Mario Gomez. When there have been calls to put him to pasture, up he popped again. The only player to score four or more goals at three different World Cups, Germany never lost a match in which he scored and he was an integral part of their success story in Brazil this summer.

So, remember it’s not about who is the better German goalscorer; Müller has proven beyond doubt that he is. It is not about who is the better World Cup player; Ronaldo clearly wins that battle. But credit where it’s due. Klose shone brighter, for longer. And he has record after record - as well as the World Cup - to show for it.