depression poem

I shouldn’t need validation from others, but I do. I want somebody to show me how important I am. I just want to feel like somebody needs me as much as I need them.
—  validate me
I feel like a fraud
what I am is never truly enough
i’m a walking disappointment
it’s easier to just stay away
away forever
—  t.m.
my brain is never at peace
i never seem to find quietness
i’m always wondering
will i ever be good enough
i’m waiting
waiting for silence to come
—  t.m.

Many years now

i’ve been pretending

to feel alive,

i’m exhausted.

Mar // depression is all i got.

Finally

after a year
of racing thoughts
and broken hearts

i’m finally learning
i don’t care
and i feel fantastic

i can dry my eyes
not think of you
and put my best interest forward

i can find someone
who would want me
since i figured out this true reality

so you can run off
and be just fine
like you’ve done before

and i’ll run off
and be just fine
for the first time in forever

“Do you believe in love?” asks someone.

“Not really. But, don’t get me wrong. I do believe in love, I do believe in soulmates, happily ever after, someone you believe as the ‘one’. I have seen other people find that, that’s why I know it’s real out there. I just think that love is not meant for me.”

—  Excerpt from the book I’ll never write #69 

I’m proud.

… that I could faint because of staying too long in the shower


… that I could starve until I see the lights flicker


… that I could throw up even the tiniest bit of my dinner


… that I could cut the words in my arms “Kill her.”


… that no one sees my struggle, for it means I am only getting stronger, that they are wrong, that I’m not wrong, that I could continue killing myself


slowly…


slowly…


help me. (not)


My scars are getting bigger, the cuts are getting deeper, and my smiles are getting warmer.


Closer…


closer…


I’m no longer ashamed.


The number is going down.


And so is my life draining down the sink like my breakfast in the toilet bowl.


Call me home.


Because here I know, I don’t belong.

I fought for you


With glass shards in the palms of my hands


I destroyed the mirrors


Telling us who we were and who we were not


Only we decide that



I fought for you


With brick dust in my blood covered knuckles


I destroyed the walls


Telling us where we start and where we end


Only we decide that



I always fought for you


Why couldn’t you do the same for me?

-J.S