depression poem


Maybe if I lose weight, you’ll love me

Maybe if I dye my hair, you’ll notice me

Maybe if I change my clothing, you’ll give me some sort of attention

Maybe if I change myself, you’ll actually want me

It’s worth bending and breaking for you

I may be hurting myself but that’s time well spent

If it means that I talk to you

Title: A Smile.

We hide white lies behind a pretty smile
lies like
“I’m fine”
“Don’t worry it’s nothing”
“I’ll be okay”
In the end we aren’t hurting them
but instead
a little pain to numb different pain
then like a bandaid
we cover it up with our sleeves and a smile
and then we see that no one will be
any the wiser


It’s like being home sick for a place that doesn’t exist.
i was in my room
so I didn’t see the world was bleeding
looked down on my floor;
blood was dripping
out my window
I saw chaos
within these walls
I’ll be safe
closing my eyes
i’m going back to sleep
—  t.m.
Salt and Lemon Juice

You know you have a few screws loose,

When you like to reopen the wounds,

Sometimes it’s out of sadness,

I desperately want to get out of my mind,

Pushing the focus to another source of pain is better, right?

I hate that I feel so uncomfortable in the life I’m in,

The frustration grows deep in my soul,

I feel in my body and I try to resist the urge to rip off my skin,

Because I won’t transform,

I’ll just hurt myself more,

Sometimes it’s out of boredom,

I see the same damn walls everyday,

This ugly tan piece of space know all my nightmares and secrets,

Their eyes have seen too much,

I cannot leave them alone,

I just walk in circles in my room,

Spinning in my hamster wheel,

Dreaming of seeing a loving face,

Sometimes I just want to feel something,

Of course it doesn’t feel good,

But neither does this,

Laying in a bed full of memories,

I lost my motivation,

I almost feel guilty,

Like I should be doing something,

They never really expected much out of me anyway,

Sometimes I don’t know why,

The floodgates suddenly open,

And all I can do drown,

I used to try and swim to safety,

But this storm is far too strong for me,

In my head I hear your voice,

As the water enters my lungs,

And cleanses my wounds

Do you think my demons will miss me?


One minute I’m in love, the next I just want to be alone,
One minute I feel like an outcast, the next I feel at home.
One minute I see the whole universe in your eyes,
The next all I can do is lay here and cry.
Why can’t I be normal, happy, and free,
Why can’t I feel that it’s okay to just be me?
Do I even know who I really am?
Always needing help, needing to hold your hand.
I want rational thinking, independence,
Single personality, not changing my mind constantly, confidence.
Why can’t I just make up my mind, I need a set path,
Every other day my feeling change, they never last.
Yesterday freedom and a place of my own,
Today a family, marriage, and home.
I want to get better, to change for good,
I want to make the choices I should.
No more self sabatoge, no more guilt or pain,
No more hanging my head in shame.
Please help me now, show me the way,
Somethings got to change, I’m not okay.
It’s got to be now, before I fall down,
I can'tget myself up off the groung.
If I act quickly do I stand a chance?
I’ll put on my smile for one last dance.

Ocean Drive


In an alternate universe, where my vacuous decisions don’t exist,

You and me are riding down the California coast, that’s beauty is only rivaled by yours.

In an alternate universe, where my asinine mistakes failed to be birthed,

We are on an adventure.

In an alternate universe, our rollercoaster never ended.

We are still intertwined in the many threads of yarn that we threw around. Our own spider web of memories that if you decided to depart, you would get stuck. We still laugh at inside jokes, and do reckless deeds that only crazy people dream of doing. You were always the girl from the movies, from the books. The one that people wrote about, and here I am writing. You were a main protagonist that never became vapid. You had the hair, the eyes, and the glimmer. The glimmer that celebrities wish they had. The glimmer that caused everyone to stop what they are doing to watch you come into a room. The glimmer that could only belong to a goddess. And damn, it belonged to you. And those eyes that cut through my whole being and took me to another dimension. Those eyes that cried out of joy, sorrow, and disappointed caused by me. Those eyes that believed that sky isn’t always blue. And when you were with me, it never was. You made the world colorful and vibrant. Simple reds became crimson, ruby, and scarlet, while blues became cerulean, cobalt, and sapphire. I thought I was the painter and you were the brush, but I was oh, so wrong. When you left, everything became drab and dreary. No color was left, and I realized that I had stumbled into a black hole with no way out.

And in this reality, I am stuck in the web. The web we left, and now I am just trying to get back. Trying to get back to where the sun was a bright star shining down its glory on us rather than an annoyance that only served to make me awaken to my insipid lifestyle. I try not to use phrases that are jejune or trite, but I love you.

You were never a paintbrush.

You were a tattoo needle.

That feeling when you miss someone so much not knowing if they miss you or even think of you at all.
—  Tenari Ioapo // Thoughts that kill you.
Do not go looking for love in a man who acts like a boy and treats you like you are one of his toys.
—  Tenari Ioapo
It’s been months since our last conversation. Now I’m drinking all these different alcohols and taking all these different drugs to make all these different people look like you.
—  You’re the only thing on my mind

She reached out, wishing to be held;
on countless nights,longing for a hand to hold.
Her heart ached for another kind of pain, 
something a little less dazing,
something to bring her back to reality.

That night she held her hand out,
hoping to touch a star,
hoping to catch it and enclose her secrets in it,
so that she could send it back to the milky way.

But stars in themselves held pain;
their names had been written in blood on the arms of the ones that tried to make a home out of them.

Photo taken by me
Poem by Spectrisdecaelo

Pretty and Perfect

 Sit still and smile

 No one cares about your pain 

 Don’t think and don’t speak

 try and be pretty

 I try to be pretty 

 But my scars and marks make me ugly 

 I’m not pretty like you 

 I’ll never be pretty

 Is it because I’m fat? 

 I’ll stop eating for a while 

 It it because I speak too much? 

 I promise I’ll keep my mouth shut

 Is it because I worry a lot?

 Sorry, I’ll just dissociate from the world

 Because the only pain I see is that I’m hurting myself for people to see me

 I know I’m not pretty

 I’ll never be skinny

 I always talk 

 And I worry a lot

 I’m sorry I’m not perfect

 I promise I’m trying 

 Stop telling me I’m worthless 

 I know I’m not who you want me to be