depressed song


You were a vision in the morning when the light came through

In which the Sorting Hat is Very Bitter

Okay, so let’s say McGonagall decided to have the Sorting Hat choose compatible roommate pairs for eighth years. 

Only then it put Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy together.

So McGonagall determined that this was clearly a mistake and the Sorting Hat just wasn’t meant to choose anything but Houses, and she gave up on the whole idea and chose all the pairs herself: notably Harry with Ron and Draco with Blaise.

But by the end of the year, those particular pairs have switched places because Harry and Draco started dating and shagging all the time, and Ron and Blaise bonded over their mutual cringing and love of chess and beer.

And McGonagall eventually realizes what’s happened and is absolutely shocked. She wonders belatedly if she oughtn’t have let Hermione Granger and Millicent Bulstrode, or Pansy Parkinson and Susan Bones, or even Theo Nott and Neville Longbottom also room together and possibly become friends that year.

But the worst part of it doesn’t happen until next year’s sorting ceremony, when the hat opens its brim and starts to sing the song it’s been working on all year:

Oh, McGonagall’s our Headmistress
and she is really great
but sometimes even she can make
a horrendous mistake

Like ignoring the advice of
a hat that’s very smart
a hat that has been sorting
Hogwarts students since its start

I told her many pairings and
she second-guessed them all
Yet it wasn’t ‘till the last one
that she met her downfall

Potter and Malfoy would go well
with certainty I said
and as you all have heard by now
they like to share a bed

But she said ‘no’ and ripped me from
my place upon this stool
and then she did the sorting she
thought the best for the school

But because I know your minds and
I never get it wrong
she messed it up and forced me
to compose this bitter song

Yes Parkinson and Bones became
the very best of mates
And Longbottom and Nott will be
good friends until they date

Potter’s in love with Malfoy and
they even share their pants
Don’t let your preconceptions
stop you giving me a chance

Don’t make the same mistake as her
Accept the place you get
For if you doubt my sorting
I promise you will regret

Headmistress McGonagall
can attest on my behalf
I’m sure she will think twice next time
now I’ve had the last laugh