The stars are like letters that inscribe themselves at every moment in the sky. Everything in the world is full of signs. All events are coordinated. All things depend on each other. Everything breathes together.
anon -“Heyo im in a Bad Place™ if requests are cool w you can I ask for smthn with Connor x reader where the readers depressed/anxious/suicidal?”
anon- “where Connor calms down the reader after she freaks out?”
Warnings: depressed reader, anxious reader, angst
The weather seemed to reflect your mood today; big storm clouds blocking out every ray of light. You’ve fallen into a slump again, and sometimes you just couldn’t stand up by yourself. That’s what Connor was there for, he would always pick you up.
Well, Connor had been gone for a week, only sending you a quick text saying he ran away and that he’s crashing with Jared from physics on the other side of town.
Despite Jared’s great ‘nerd-that-says-they’ll-kick-your-ass-but-definitely-will-run-away-screaming-if-you-step-too-close-to-him’; he had a decent reputation at school. You just hoped Connor would come to school with Jared at least once to check in. You really needed him right now.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” Jared’a nasally chirp pulled your head out from your locker.
He looked slightly disheveled, his glasses were crooked and his usually combed hair was untamed. He seemed to be a little less <i>Jared-y</i> than usual.
“Yeah, it’s whatever,” you said turning back into your locker. “How’s Connor?” You mumbled.
He left you to face the heinous world of high school alone. For a week. You knew in your head it wasn’t his intention to ditch you, but he also knew how hard getting through a day was with him. Now he was gone, and you didn’t have any motivation to get out of bed except for getting any news on how he was.
“He’s fine he said- oh my god!” Jared said as you finally looked him in the eyes.
You had showered his morning, it was the only enjoyable part of your days lately, so you didn’t reek. What was he yelling about then?
“What?” You questioned after making sure you were wearing decent clothes, you fiddled with the hem of your shirt. It was a habit whenever you were anxious to fiddle with it, but by now with Connor gone, you were almost creating holes in all your shirts.
“You uh- have you been sleeping? Like at all?” He asked slightly concerned.
You raised an eyebrow and looked in the tiny mirror in your locker. He was right. You hadn’t had any sleep except for maybe 5 hours a day. You eyes showed it, with the skin under them sunken in, which caused an even more noticeable shadow. Your face seemed noticeably paler. Your hair was just thrown in a messy bun and you didn’t bother to wear the usual makeup, except for maybe a coat of mascara to try and perk yourself up.
“Fuck off Klienman.” You mumbled as you threw the book you were looking for into your bag.
You were about to walk off when Jared grasped your arm slightly and tugged you back toward him. He definitely looked worried now.
“You- uh we have physics right? Let me walk you. I’m a bit scared for you y/n…” he trailed off.
“Sorry i just- fuck Jared. Connor hasn’t been here and I’m not in a very good place right now. He usually helps with it but he’s gone so…Yeah. Fuck. I’m not okay.” You tried to sound casual, but your voice wavered slightly toward the end. stop it. Don’t look weak in front of everyone, idiot. you quickly made your face devoid of emotion, trying to think of something else
“Oh shit. I’m sorry… can I help? At all?” He said hesitantly.
He was walking toward you like a lost dog he was trying to grab before it could run away again.
You just rolled your eyes and wrapped your arms around your waist.
“Just tell Connor I’m okay? I don’t need him worrying about me or whatever. He’s staying with you right?”
Jared nodded slowly, still timid of your previous little outburst.
As you walked to your class, Jared took out his phone. Like hell he was going to not tell Connor. Connor would probably kill him if he found out you, the one thing he cared about, wasn’t doing well; and he didn’t tell him.
To: Connor M.
yo, ur gf isn’t doing so good. U should come to school.
From: Connor M.
what do you mean she isn’t doing well?
To: Connor M.
she said she’s in a bad place.??
And that u usually help her with it but ur gone this week.
She basically wes just super off in the hallway when I asked if she was ok. Like zero emotion It was scary as shit
From: Connor M.
schools over soon right? I’ll go to her house.
To: Connor M.
whatever u say bro.
When you got home to an empty house you almost started to breakdown. Your parents were gone on a little vacation this week, and they deserved it, but you just wanted someone to at least acknowledge your presence.
You dropped your backpack by your shoes and went up to your room.
When you entered the room, yawning slightly, Connor was sitting in your bed.
Your window was open a crack and it wasn’t a secret how he had gotten in. You were filled with rage at the sight of him, but you must not have shown it because he smiled slightly when he saw you. No emotion equals no pain Y/N.
“Hi, babe. I’m -uh I’m back now. How are you?” He said softly, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. He knew he was kind of an ass to just leave you hanging, but he didn’t want to deal with his family and didn’t know how to tell you. He just hoped he didn’t screw everything up. He just hoped you were okay.
Your head was down and he couldn’t see your face while he walked over to you. What worried him though was the brief look he had gotten when you entered, surprised then confused then neutral. By just the matter of seconds he could see the dark circles under your eyes and the shortness of your nails (probably from biting them), and your slumped posture. You looked so…unresponsive. Your eyes were dull, unlike the usual brightness they held, they were…Numb. It was the only way to describe it.
“I’m fucking great Connor. How about you? Oh wait- you ran off for a week without even saying a proper goodbye.” You smiled sweetly at him, sarcasm dripping from your words. You only called him Connor when you were mad, otherwise it was Con.
“No fuck it, Connor. My week has been hell! I could barely get out of bed and when I text you I didn’t get any reply? Not once? I didn’t even know if you were okay! but of course, running away from your family was more important than me. Like always.” You raised your voice now.
Unapologetically pissed at him leaving you. All the emotion that was lent up came rushing out now, like a broken dam of emotions in your brain. You felt your eyes begin to burn you didn’t care. You were on a roll now.
“I mean Jesus,” you scoffed, “it’s not like I have NO friends that understand the numbness that I always feel! and don’t know what to do with myself all the time! Don’t worry about me! The sad little anxious girl who no one ever notices! It’s fine! Go smoke your problems away while I suffer, it’s better than having to deal with the mess that I am, right?” You lowered your tone toward the end, tears falling freely now.
“Fuck, no!” He tried to raised his voice a little so you would stop. “Y/N please, you know that’s not true.”
He tried to walk closer toward you it took a step back.
“And how am I supposed to know that, Huh?” You laughed out. “You left. You left me.”
His face softened and grew red of guilt. He shifted his weight on his feet before closing the gap between you.
When you felt his arms engulf you, your knees went weak and you became a wreck of emotions. Everything you were holding back was out on the table.
“I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.” He cooed into your ear as he rocked you gently on his lap, both of you on the floor.
“I’m sorry. I love you t-too.” You monotoned, letting a few more stay tears fall.
“Shhh, just come on, let’s get on your bed.” He whispered into your hair as he gently pulled you up.
He held you so tight, if you weren’t gasping for air from trying to hold in tears, it might’ve been because of how tight he held you. He never wanted to let go. Not after what had happened. You’ve gotten in arguments, sure, but thy were usually about him missing classes or joke-complaining about weed. He had stopped smoking when he met you, but he would always joke about it because he knew you hated it.
You lay there for a while, him whispering sweet nothings into your ear and kissing the top of your head every now and then. You let him engulf you in his arms, letting your guard down for the first time this week.
Once you had calmed down, you almost fell asleep. He was so warm and he smelt like home. His sweatshirt was soft and the steady rise and fall of his chest could’ve lulled you to sleep easily, if it weren’t for your apology beginning to bubble out.
“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to like, blame you for me feeling this way I just-”
“I should be apologizing, not you. I was so scared I was gonna fuckin’ lose you back there. I was so scared I fucked up the one good thing I have going for me.” He cut you off, a deep chuckle consumed the end. He looked down at you. god, I’m an asshole.
“I love you, y/n. I’ll never leave you like that again. I’m such an idiot holy shit,“ he scoffed to himself. He sighed, running his free hand through his hair. You were cuddled on his chest with one of his arms wrapped around you, the other places as a makeshift pillow behind his head.
“Promise?” You’re voice muffled from his sweater.
“Promise.” He said as he placed a kiss to your forehead, then your nose, then finally your lips.