Breaking news: The United States has fallen and the dark lord Satan now walks the Earth.

The Supreme Court today ignored the pleas of fundamentalist Christians and legalized gay marriage across the nation. Little did they expect that doing so would unleash the devil from his thousand year banishment to the pit of hell.

“We fucking warned you,” said Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church, “We warned you this would happen and now the country is ended and the devil now reigns triumphant over the souls of the innocent.” Scientists are uncertain how exactly the legalization destroyed the nation or cast open the gates of hell, but reports suggest that one of the first marriages, Jessica Foss and Bertha Denuve, was most directly to blame. It seems that the couple, having been together for 57 years, kissed to seal their marriage at long last and the gay waves produced by that legal display of affection resonated at the same frequency as the demonic seal of Choronzon, the abyss of nothingness.

As a blood ocean sweeps the globe and flying flame scorpions torment the sinners, this reporter can’t help but think, “What if we had only listened to these rampaging buffoons who claimed this would happen. We should have known that their insane, bigoted and idiotic ramblings would come true.”

Authorities are recommending that everyone still alive get a tattoo of the number 666 on their foreheads so they’ll still be allowed to buy food. They also recommend worshiping the beast of seven heads and ten horns (3 are on its butt) that has risen from the ocean, for who can make war with it?

Pray for the globe, those of you left behind, pray for forgiveness, and never forget: It was the Supreme Court that allowed people who loved each other to be wed, and that is what ended the world. The fools!

You read it here first on FIJMU.