jokwon can be photographed with a dick in his nose 2 dicks in his mouth and 3 up the pooper and people will still be like ‘wow he’s so brave to do that eventhough he’s straight wow so admirable that he would go through such lengths as a straight heterosexual wow i bet his ex girlfriend gain loves it~~~'
It says something about how completely borked up their lives were that this latest episode of clusterfuckery was just…. yeah.
Hell, they just had the now Infamous Frog Episode Which Will Now Go Down as a Day of Infamy in Avengers History last month. But hey, Villain of the Week is now Evil Wizard of the Week, who somehow managed to lay their hands on some sort of Ancient Egyptian Grimmy Spellbook Thing and Tony’s studiously ignoring the Giggling from the Strange Clouds that he’s not seeing from the corner of his eyes or the Strange Voices who are not Avengers teammates making wisecracks and –
Did Tony mention that he hated magic and all sorts of supernatural shenanigans? He does. He really, really hates magic. And all sorts of supernatural shenanigans. Supernatural is now a show totally banned from being shown in Avengers Tower. Ever.
Of course, none of the hating is going to help Steve, who is now five foot ninety-odd pounds of tiny, precious Captain Adorable. The one good thing about Evil Wizard of the Week (Tony refused to use the name of a guy who actually wanted to be called Darth Lord Plagueis) was that whatever he did shrunk Steve’s costume to fit.
Except that there were Evil Minions that Tony was not going to think of as demons and imps from the Fifth Dimension (what even is his life), who are still coming for them and there’s Steve, jaw set, shield at the ready and it’s hella clear that he doesn’t have the super soldier strength anymore.
All of them are moving to protect their captain but of course, there’s Sergeant Dracula over there in full berserk mode and okay, maybe Bucky may have finally worked out most of the brainwash thing but he’s still the fucking Winter Soldier and he is definitely fucking pissed off.
Also,Tony is sure that all of them are trying not to think about the way Bucky’s eyes were now pure gold and terrifying and there are fangs. Yeah, did Tony mention fangs? Fangs, people.
He’s never gonna make another sparkling vampire joke ever again.
Even the Hulk is giving Bucky a wide berth but there’s a definite Stamp of Approval from Big and Green.
“Soldier Go Smash Puny Wizard. Hulk clear way."
And maybe there’s a few arrows sent from the general direction of their other resident sniper, making sure Steve’s six is covered. And Steve, thankfully, understands that he’s not going to be of much help in this position, so he accepts one of Nat’s guns and follows her to cover.
So it’s up to Tony and he gets people coordinated which translates to just getting the hell out of Bucky Barnes’ way and letting him nab said Evil Wizard. Tony's not hearing the soft "Oooh, Mrs. Rogers is pissed" and "Classic SNRFB” because GODDAMNNIT. SUPERNATURAL SHENANIGANS. NO NO NO NO NO NO.
The problem is that after they’re done, Bucky still looks like he’s about to start following in his Grampy’s footsteps and do some impaling of his own and Tony’s talking, Tony’s trying to talk Bucky down from this even as Clint is readying a tranq shot and this is going to be a bitch, it really is.
Until tiny Steve darts out from cover and goes right up to the enraged fang-y Winter Soldier with a shouted “Bucky!”
It’s weird and surreal but there’s Steve reaching up to frame Bucky’s face with his hands and the comms are on so they can hear Steve’s whispered, “Bucky. Look at me. Baby, baby I’m all right. I’m fine, baby, I’m okay. Come back t'me. Come back."
Tony would like to question Steve’s decision of letting a still-fanged Bucky Barnes anywhere near ideal vampire biting places but yeah, Bucky does calm down, folding himself protectively over the now smaller body of his husband and partner, burying his nose in Steve’s neck.
Steve would’ve protested being carried up like a bride on her wedding day but he’s pale and none of them like the way his breathing sounds so he’s outnumbered and outvoted. But Bucky, with Steve in his arms, is a lot calmer and the eyes are blue again and then:
"I ain’t letting you down. I leave you alone for five minutes and God knows what kinda trouble you’re going to get into.”
“Funny. Just because I’m temporarily de-serumed doesn’t mean I’m going to up and get myself killed!”
“I leave you safe and sound in Brooklyn the last time and you ended up in a HYDRA base anyway - you’re a goddamn trouble magnet, is what you are.”
“I was rescuing your ass - this is the thanks I get?”
“Thank you. Still not putting you down.”
“Looks like it’s SNRFB as usual,” Sam observes.
“It will be well,” Thor proclaims. “Spells can be reversed. It took True Love’s Kiss for the last one."
"They’re kissing already. Steve’s not getting any bigger,” Clint cracked.
“It’ll probably take a few more tries,” Natasha smirks.
“Can we just get Tiny Cap away from here now?” Tony offers, trying to get control of the crew because, well, Steve and Bucky are a bit occupied at the moment. “And we can figure out how to reverse the spell. JARVIS, get me the friendly neighborhood witch on the phone.”
The friendly neighborhood witch tells them it’s going to take two weeks. It’s the longest two weeks of their lives.
In the end, they’re going to sort it out and Tiny Cap really is capable of getting in as much trouble as he does usually and everyone - except Natasha - is all STEVE, OMG NO. But Steve sets his jaw and Does the Thing anyway and while he can’t throw the shield around, that fine tactical mind is still in there, as well as that stubborn, determined spirit and Tony really, really regrets ever saying the “everything special about you came out of a bottle” thing because it is absolutely wrong.
And Bucky is just as protective as ever and there’s a little huff and then a fond smile as he follows Tiny Cap, the little guy from Brooklyn who never had the sense to know when to back down from a fight, into the jaws of hell anyway.
- end -
Note: Eventually, I might write a fic in which I somehow have pre-serum Steve and a still brains-scrambled recovering Winter Soldier together because tygermama is an Evil Enabling Valar Cloud. I’ll think about it further. In the meantime, have fun with this one. :P
Does Jensen realize that by saying he and Misha “don’t play it that way” he’s basically saying that what people are seeing on their screens is not Cas & Dean’s big gay love but Jensen & Misha’s big gay love? If he’s not playing it then the way he looks at Misha is not an act.
Does he realize that he’s digging himself into a deep deep hole no one can help him get out of?