demon machete

Summary of Dark Souls 3 Weapons
  • Dagger: Why aren't you using a Bandit's Knife
  • 
Parrying Dagger: Never actually used as a weapon

  • Mail Breaker: Fuck your shields
  • 
Bandit's Knife: Quick, exploit the Bleed
  • 
Rotten Ghru Dagger: Poison for the lazy
  • 
Corvian Greatknife: THIS is a knife
  • 
Handmaid's Dagger: I will stab you no matter what
  • 
Scholar's Candlestick: Laser power-up

  • Tailbone Short Sword: Drake Sword Lite Edition
  • 
Brigand Twindaggers: Dragon's Dogma
  • 
Harpe: Not actually a musical instrument

  • Shortsword: Why aren't you using a Longsword

  • Longsword: Ol' Faithful

  • Broadsword: Who uses stab attacks anyway

  • Broken Straight Sword: 10 of these during early game

  • Astora Straight Sword: Losing my religion

  • Lothric Knight Sword: Let's get stabby
  • 
Barbed Straight Sword: Constantly getting caught on clothing probably
  • 
Dark Sword: Emo blade with added Meta
  • 
Cleric's Candlestick: Blue Flame's gross uncle
  • 
Irithyll Straight Sword: Chillrend

  • Anri's Straight Sword: Waifu sword

  • Sunlight Straight Sword: Praising just got easier
  • 
Morion Blade: Remember how Demon's Soul was a thing
  • Lothric's Holy Sword: HOLY SHIT LASERS

  • Gotthard Twinswords: Sith Lord Cosplay

  • Bastard Sword: Why aren't you using a Claymore
  • 
Claymore: Larger Faithful

  • Flameberge: Zweihander's gay little brother

  • Hollowslayer Greatsword: Dumbshit's guide to DS2
  • 
Black Knight Sword: Crossfit while fighting demons
  • Executioner's Greatword: Tarkus Concept Art
  • 
Wolf Knight's Greatword: Can you actually imagine a Wolf doing flips like this like holy shit

  • Wolnir's Holy Sword: Trypophobia Blade
  • 
Greatsword of Judgment: Moonlight Greatsword Lite Edition

  • Storm Ruler: HEY GUYS REMEMBER DEMON'S SOULS
  • 
Moonlight Greatsword: Raspberry Popsicle of Cameo Obligation

  • Twin Princes' Greatsword: Literally fire-ing mah lazar
  • Drakeblood Greatsword: Over ambitious longsword

  • 
Firelink Greatsword: Finally got one, finally disappointed
  • Zweihander: Baby's First UGS

  • Greatsword: Repairs complete
  • 
Astora Greatsword: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE
  • 
Farron Greatsword: Breakdancing Blade
  • 
Fume Ultra Greatsword: Hits like a truck, the size and weight of one too
  • 
Profaned Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk I

  • Cathedral Knight Greatsword: Gatsu stronk
  • 
Black Knight Greatsword: Original Golf Driver
  • 
Lorian's Greatsword: Fire Greatsword Mk II

  • Lothric Knight Greatsword: Bass Cannon knockoff

  • 
Scimitar: Why aren't you using a Falchion

  • 
Falchion: Oroboro's penis

  • Sellsword Twinblades: Russian weapons, Arabic implications
  • Shotel: Douchebag Blade
  • Crescent Moon Sword: Karkat Vantas firing lasers
  • Pontiff Knight Curved Sword: How do insects even eat metal like damn
  • Warden Twinblades: Obligatory bleed variant

  • 
Painting Guardian's Curved Sword: Sick spins

  • Dancer's Enchanted Swords: Rave Swords

  • Storm Curved Sword: Fart Scimatar

  • Carthus Curved Sword: If only it were the Kilij
  • 
Carthus Shotel: Karkat Vantas Skeleton Edition

  • Rotten Ghru Curved Sword: Poo Sword

  • Murakumo: Finally has a decent moveset
  • 
Exile Greatsword: Bandaid hilt
  • 
Old Wolf Curved Sword: No weapon class is safe from fan service

  • Carthus Curved Greatsword: Bleed Edition
  • 

Uchigatana: PvP Standard
  • 
Washing Pole: Sephiroth cosplay
  • 
Black Blade: Style points aren’t currency

  • Darkdrift: Why do Asian cultures love invisible swords so much
  • 
Onikiri and Ubadachi: Shonen Jump
  • Chaos Blade: Anti-magic pixel
  • 
Bloodlust: You can't hurt me if I hurt myself
  • 
Rapier: The grip is white now
  • Estoc: META META META META

  • 
Ricard's Rapier: How legendary can badly defending one stairway be
  • 
Crystal Sage's Rapier: Drop your shit goddamnit
  • 
Irithyll Rapier: Chillrend poke edition
  • 
Hand Axe: HERE'S JOHNNY
  • Battle Axe: Swing it differently this time

  • 
Brigand Axe: Is it superior? Who knows
  • 
Thrall Axe: Poison Swamp Trivialiser
  • 
Dragonslayer's Axe: Cockney man refuses to die
  • 
Butcher Knife: Forever the Fat Woman's specialty

  • Winged Knight Twinaxes: Twin Spin to Win

  • Eleonora: Pried from the hands of hands with hands
  • 
Man Serpent Hatchet: Karkat Vantas Snake Edition

  • Greataxe: Award for most unchanged weapon

  • Dragonslayer Greataxe: This isn’t a spear
  • 
Demon's Greataxe: Now ON FIRE

  • Great Machete: *sad Capra Demon noises*
  • 
Yhorm's Great Machete: You only use that notch when angry
  • Black Knight Greataxe: Jump for joy/death
  • 
Club: Literally a stick
  • 

Reinforced Club: Stick with nails
  • Mace: Why are these always associated with clerics
  • 
Morning Star: Absolutely Barbaric
  • Drang Hammers: Akin to interperative dance

  • 
Heysel Pick: More like pick a different weapon amirite

  • Warpick: MrIWont4Get's Favourite
  • 
Blacksmith Hammer: You're holding it backwards
  • 
Gargoyle Flame Hammer: Every Greathammer needs a flamethrower
  • 
Large Club: Not the Great Club
  • Great Club: Not the Large Club
  • 
Great Mace: Berenike classic
  • 
Vordt's Great Hammer: Fridge Hammer
  • 
Morne's Great Hammer: Grant 2.0
  • 
Great Wooden Hammer: Visions of Giant Blacksmith

  • 
Smough's Great Hammer: Whack-a-mole just got silly
  • 
Old King's Great Hammer: Another classic ON FIRE
  • 
Pickaxe: Minecraft cosplay
  • 
Dragon Tooth: Havel’s penis

  • Spiked Mace: Dynasty Warriors

  • Caestus: The ol' 1-2
  • 
Demon's Fist: Kyo Kusanagi
  • 
Dark Hand: Can't suck Humanity, might as well suck balls
  • Claw: *Wolverine joke*

  • Manikin Claws: Nobody has original designs, do they

  • Arstor's Spear: Vlad the Impaler
  • 
Drang Twinspears: How is this a practical setup
  • 
Gargoyle Flame Spear: GARGOYLE used FLAME CHARGE
  • 
Spear: The Poker
  • 
Winged Spear: The Better Poker

  • 
Tailbone Spear: The Fart Poker
  • 
Pike: The Long Poker
  • Four-Pronged Plow: Couple with torches to gank Shrek cosplayers
  • 
Saint Bident: Saint Bident of Charge

  • Rotten Ghru Spear: The Poop Poker
  • 
Partizan: Almost a Halberd
  • 
Yorshka's Spear: Anti-mage Poker
  • 
Dragonslayer Spear: Oh, there it is
  • 
Dragonslayer Swordspear: More Ornstein than Ornstein
  • 
Golden Ritual Spear: Pilgrim’s Spontoon hit by a car
  • Soldering Iron: BDSM Souls

  • Lothric Knight Long Spear: The Steady Poker
  • 
Greatlance: At least a horse is mentioned this time

  • Halberd: Scrub stick

  • Red Hilted Halberd: Scrub stick Classic Edition

  • Lucerne: Switzerland must exist apparently
  • 
Winged Knight Halberd: Spin to Win and Win and Win and Win and Win

  • Glaive: They still fucking got the name wrong

  • Crescent Axe: Pick a weapon class damnit

  • Gundyr's Halberd: You put your halberd in and you spin it all about
  • 
Black Knight Glaive: Finally named correctly
  • 
Immolation Tinder: Hard to get dates with this thing

  • Great Scythe: All Scythes are great

  • Pontiff Knight Great Scythe: Even the cold ones
  • 
Great Corvian Scythe: And the feathery ones
  • 
Whip: Softcore

  • Notched Whip: Hardcore
  • 
Witch's Locks: Hotcore
  • 
Spotted Whip: Spotcore
  • Short Bow: Why aren't you using a Composite Bow

  • Longbow: Why aren't you using the Black Bow of Pharis

  • Composite Bow: Original Crackshot
  • Dragonrider Bow: Why you're NOT using the Composite bow
  • 
Black Bow of Pharis: Robin Hood's wet dream

  • 
Darkmoon Longbow: Original Darkmoon Bow didn't go through puberty well
  • 
Onislayer Greatbow: Still gotta be Japanese-y
  • 
Dragonslayer Greatbow: I am the bone of my sword
  • 
Light Crossbow: Why aren't you using the Heavy Crossbow
  • Knight's Crossbow: Crossbow 2; Electric Boogaloo

  • Arbalest: Suspicious name change
  • 
Sniper Crossbow: Actually functional now
  • 
Avelyn: Enter The Matrix
  • 
Heavy Crossbow: Completionism Crossbow

  • Sorcerer's Staff: First Laser Stick
  • 
Heretic's Staff: Shunned Laser Stick
  • 
Witchtree Branch: Dusk’s Laser Stick

  • Sage's Crystal Staff: Diamonds aren’t forever
  • 
Izalith Staff: Still can’t cast fire spells
  • 
Court Sorcerer's Staff: Logan’s bent dong
  • 
Man-Grub's Staff: You feelin’ lucky punk
  • 
Storyteller's Staff: Attempted murder

  • Medicant's Staff: I NEED THE SHIELD DAMNIT
  • 
Archdeacon Great Staff: Holy Laser Stick
  • 
Pyromancy Flame: FALCON PUNCH
  • 
Talisman: Totally not toiler paper

  • Saint's Talisman: Holy toilet paper

  • Sunlight Talisman: Eat Lightning, Shit Thunder

  • Canvas Talisman: Eco Toilet Paper
  • 
White Hair Talisman: Toilet Paper after Mexican
  • 
Sunless Talisman: Luxury Toilet Paper

  • Cleric's Sacred Chime: The Lords be with you

  • Priest's Chime: And also with you

  • Crystal Chime: How does this not break all the time
  • 
Caitha's Chime: This bell is full of BEES

  • Saint-tree Bellvine: Even trees are goddamn saints

  • Yorshka's Chime: You monster
BUT IMAGINE SUPERNATURAL: AUSTRALIA

Two blokes driving around in a Holden Ute 4WD with Sheila’s demon-killing machete, off to shank Luci who’s out in Alice Springs trying to get a tan.

On the way, they encounter a possessed kangaroo and the ghost of a vengeful Steve Irwin, who is wiping out the stingray population in zoos with a bloody sting-ray spine.

With their slogan “Saving jokers, hunting cunts: the family business”, the boys and their old geezer must traverse the Outback until Jono dies and leaves our blokes to fend off not only demons, ghosts and shapeshifters, but the weather and wildlife too.

“Oi mate, what was it like in Hell?” Sam looked at his brother beneath his sunnies.

“Aw nah, mate, I’ve felt it hotter in Adelaide” Dean shrugged.“But crickey, some of these demons are bigger fahking sooks than the crocs!”

“Yeah nah, ayy, I got worse from a scorpion when I was in year 3.” Sam kicked his well-worn thongs off ridiculously tanned feet. “Especially that pom Crowley. Mate, are these demonic omens or just another fuckin’ forest fire?”

“Dunno, ayy. May as well give a look." 

And so our two fearless Down Under bros chugged off through the bush.