[text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me.
[text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
[text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.
[text] Are you sure there’s no monsters?
[text] It was an accident.
[text] lol fuk da police
[text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
[text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
[text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!
[text] Please tell me you’re free today! I’ve got some big news today.
[text] Got a spare ticket, do you want to come?
[text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
[text] Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
[text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
[text] We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead… I just rolled off and tapped out.
[text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?
[text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship :(
[text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.
[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
[text] Do you know where I am?
[text] My wedding is in 5 hours and I have no idea where I am. Help!
[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.
[text] Is “head down ass up” an appropriate way to say good morning?
[text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?
[text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
[text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
[text] ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! HE IS A TRIPLET, WE DONT NEED TO FIGHT OVER HIM WE CAN HAVE AN ORGY INSTEAD
[text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
[text] She wheeled me home in a trolley and sad she loved me, I think I win.
[text] My dick just got serenaded.
[text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
[text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
[text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
[text] Your brother is at the front door- WHAT DO I SAY?!
[text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
[text] I’m in A&E but I don’t really know why
[text] Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
[text] I think I’m officially a homewrecker because his wife just walked in screaming and he said it’s not what it looks like. I mean what else could it look like? I wasn’t trimming his hairs with my mouth?!
[text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
[text] He’s decorated the toilet with his urine. I never want to see him ever again, tell him he has 2 minutes to get out of our house.
[text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
[text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
[text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.
[text] I think I got married last night?
[text] I think I got married on impulse last night… and after looking a second time, I don’t think i’ve made any mistakes.
[text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
[text] I didn’t let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off because… it was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
[text] If I say it was accidental you’ll just say I’m lying
[text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
[text] You’re my hero
[text] You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
[text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
[text] Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
[text] It’s not a good night if I don’t end up crying into your mother’s lap.
[text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
[text] I’m may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
[text] She high fived me out of pity
[text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
[text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
[text] You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hair…
[text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
[text] I am a responsible adult, I brought home a lost kitten and let it shit in your room
[text] I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
[text] It may or may not have been your sister…
[text] It may or may not have been your brother…
[text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
[text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
[text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
[text] Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?
[text] Let’s never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
[text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
[text] I told her my cum counts as protein shake and she sent a text to my gran saying I ate her cat.
[text] If you don’t fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we’re alone in your room, I’m returning you to the boyfriend store
[text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry xox
[text] There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
[text] I feel like you’re pretending I didn’t bail you out of jail last night for trying to staple a cushion to the top of their car so you had a “comfy place to sit”
[text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
[text] I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.