deeper than bones

based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’
‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’
‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’
‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’
‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’
‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’
‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’
‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’
‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’
‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’
‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’
‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’
‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’
‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’
‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’
‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’
‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’
‘  i am fucking divine.  ’
‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’
‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’
‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’
‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’
‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’
‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’
‘  i bow to no man.  ’
‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’
‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’
‘  i cannot be saved.  ’
‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’
‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’
‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’
‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’
‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’
‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’
‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’
‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’
‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’
‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’
‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’
‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’
‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’
‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’
‘  i have no home anymore.  ’
‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’
‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’
‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’
‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’
‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’
‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’
‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’
‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’
‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’
‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’
‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’
‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’
‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’
‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’
‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’
‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’
‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’
‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’
‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’
‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’
‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’
‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’
‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’
‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’
‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’
‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’
‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’
‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’
‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’
‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’
‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’
‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’
‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’
‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’
‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’
‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’
‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’
‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’
‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’
‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’
‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’
‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’
‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’
‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’
‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’
‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’
‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’
‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’
‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’
‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’
‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’
‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’
‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’
‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’
‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’
‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’
‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

anonymous asked:

If you're not too busy with prompts, Jake x Amy and the phrase "you fight like a married couple". Thank you :)

this is that, but it’s also not that, and the moral of this story is that i’m an insatiable gremlin and i’m also sorry

They’ve only known each other a week the first time someone says the phrase to them.

It’s pretty innocuous, as far as phrases go, but it burrows deep under Amy’s skin, slithering along, clinging to her very bones. Deeper than her new partner’s penchant for mini jelly donuts (which are actually just powdered donuts with jelly beans shoved through the center) and subsequent repulsion to napkins - a dangerous combination that more often than not leads to faintly sticky powdery fingerprints along the edges of her computer monitor and smeared across their shared case files. 

It’s only been a week and she still can’t tell if she even likes Jake Peralta as a human being, let alone as a partner. Her last partner wrote the book on professionalism - they worked together for nearly two years and Amy still isn’t sure what his wife’s name was. Back then, she found it vaguely irritating. But now?

“Peralta.” She growls through her clenched teeth. He continues spinning in his chair, head tilted back toward the ceiling. “Will you just - will you sign this B-and-E report?”

“In a minute.”

“Oh my God, please, just -”

“I’m only fifty-three spins away from breaking my record and I’m not gonna stop now -”

“This is the last thing either one of us has to do before we can go home for the whole weekend, Jake -”

He interrupts her with a harsh, barking laugh, the end of which is lost beneath the screech of his desk legs scraping along the tiled floor beneath them as he shoves his hand against the ledge to build more momentum. “What, you got a hot date with your knitting needles?” He asks, voice light and teasing in a way she’s already far too familiar with. “Oh, wait, no - there’s a new episode of The Price is Right on tonight, isn’t there?”

“I don’t watch Price is Right.” Amy snaps.

Jake snorts. “Sorry, I meant to say Jeopardy.”

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anonymous asked:

Whats the bone hurting juice meme? Idgi

( I do not know what Idgi, never mind i just figured it out myself)

Ok. I do not know where the bone hurting juice meme started but the first time i had seen it was this image:

[link of image below]

I do not know it’s true origins, but for now, it’s not really deeper than the bone hurting juice will hurt your bones if you drink it. I think the joke of it is the absurdity of the juice’s powers and that people get fooled/willing drink the bone hurting juice.

[TRANS] Hwarang: The Beginning - Hansung’s Introduction

Hansung - Kim Taehyung

The youngest Hwarang in Hwarangdo. He who carries a bright face that shines like an angel, pursues harmonious relationships anywhere he goes with his warm and friendly personality. However, he is four-dimensional and full of curiosity, once he is immersed in something, he will concentrate to the point of not seeing anything, not hearing any sound. As the Hwarangdo slowly becomes the leader of the Silla kingdom’s future, the responsibility that this tender-hearted boy has to carry, heavier and more painful than anything, is erased too. 

Seonwoo, whom Hansung met after becoming a Hwarang, is different from anyone else he has met. He is someone who, even when being despised for being a lower class, still willingly puts on shoes for them. Who acted nonchalant yet still embraced the tender-hearted Hansung’s deep stories. Unknowingly, his favor toward Seonwoo grows deeper than the bones. Hansung comes to depend on Seonwoo like his real brother. Hansung who was once trapped in the war of the adults without his own judgement, for the first time, has a dream and is now standing on his own.

O bearers of Knowledge..

‘Alee Ibn Abee Taalib said:

“O bearers of knowledge, act upon it, for the knowledgeable one is the one who acts on what he knows an whose actions and knowledge are in harmony.

There will be people who acquire knowledge, but it does not go any deeper than their collar bones; how they are inwardly will be contrary to how they appear to be, and their actions will differ from their knowledge.

They will lead study circles and compete with one another to the extent that one will get angry with a person in his circle if he leaves him to go and sit with someone else. Those people’s actions do not ascend from their gatherings to Allaah (swt).”

[Sunan Ad-Daarimee, 1/106]


1. i think of your blood that flows through vines in a bed of thornlike honesty, and i wish that the truth was yours to keep. i want you with your golden skin to wrap around the bullets inside of me. i want you with your tainted lips to tell me that this broken glass is fallen sugar on a map of stars. i want—

2. (you) and i dance in the dark to songs of the living and lie when we talk to growing old. i kiss the length of your lungs and it seems that every time we breathe in we are made from pale dust and dirt and i am always left crawling at your feet.

3. are we cursed if we speak of magic? the calling of our ancestors seems to run deeper through my bones than yours because i am selfish and i am selfish and i am selfish and i wish i could burn at the campsite of youth, with this firewood i kept from that night at the forest when you told me of love and you lied.

4. the lake rises with every bruise that i count and i can’t help but want to replace your arms with the pull of suffocation because at least sirens speak of killing when all you are is choking and crushing and loving in a foreign language that i will never understand.

5. i dream about the girl i used to love with her fists and her knuckles and her thighs on my palms and every morning is the quiet realization where i find you instead: DIGGING THROUGH MY SKELETON TO LAY YOUR BODY IN ITS COFFIN.
—  we burn ourselves at the stake & scream our names into the night // k.s.l.(davidfihncer)
Skin Deep

Requested: The reader has a really nice body (hourglass figure with curves “you know, Beyoncé”) but she doesn’t like the way she looks. Reid tries to tell her that he loves who she is and not what she looks like.

He can’t help but glance her way every now and then. Watching, a little forlornly, as she runs around the office. She has a smile for everybody, and people tend to gravitate towards her. Magnetic. That’s what she is. For months she has been his friend and his colleague, but at some point that stopped feeling like enough. Not that he doesn’t enjoy being her friend. He just finds himself wishing they could be something more, as futile as those feelings are.

And he’s apparently not being very subtle about it. “Yo, Reid. A picture would last longer.”

Morgan’s voice jolts him back out of his own head. “What?” he asks.

“You’ve been starting at Y/L/N all day, man. You know, you could just tell her how you feel.”

Color creeps into his cheeks, and he stares down at the paperwork on his desk. The possibility has occurred to him before, he just can’t see it ending well for him.

“Because there’s no way I’d measure up to all those other guys.” Who she is has always been what attracted him to her, but he can’t deny the obvious – Y/N is beautiful. And he’s not the only one to notice. It happens when she joins him for a coffee run, or when they go with friends to a movie. Out in the field, in the office. Men are always flirting with her. Why would someone like her ever choose someone like him?

Derek shakes his head. “Have you tried just complimenting her? Tell her she looks nice. Get her to see you in a different light. It’s not that hard kid, I mean, she could rival Beyoncé with that body.”

It’s not hard to see she’s pretty, but complimenting her about it? It’s not easy, not for him. Once he crosses that line, there’s no going back. By saying something, he’s making his affections known, and he’s so terrified of being rejected by her. He can’t lose her friendship. She means too much to him for that. 

He lets his gaze wander over her, following the soft curves of her body, imagining what it would be like to be able to touch her in a manner that’s more than friendly; picturing it in the back of his mind like he has a thousand times before. She moves with a fluid grace, and he never tires of watching her.

One of the agents from Counter-Terrorism is chatting with her at the moment, looking her over with a charming smirk. She laughs at his jokes, but not quite the way she laughs at Reid’s. What does that mean? What is the disparity between them? He’s not sure whether it’s cause to be disappointed or encouraged.

That’s the thing about magnets – they attract everything around them.

Morgan says, “If you don’t do it, you’re gonna miss your chance. Someone else is gonna snatch her up. What are you waiting for?”

What is he waiting for? For the sort of confidence that Hotch and Rossi carry. For the sort of witty banter that Morgan has mastered. For a sure sign that she won’t reject the advances of someone like him. But can he sit by and watch her fall for someone else?

Agent Anderson winks at her, and she winks back, and he knows in that instant that no, no he can’t.

“Go,” says Morgan. “Tell her she looks pretty.”

Summoning every ounce of courage he can lay claim to, he follows her to the kitchenette, where she pours a cup of coffee. When she turns around to see him, she’ looks surprised to see him, but flashes him a smile.

“Y-you look beautiful today,” he stammers.

“Thanks, Spencer.”

“N-not that you don’t look beautiful every day! Because y-you do. I mean, scientifically speaking, attraction is a combination of biological and psychological factors, and wide hips are an indicator of fertility and the strength to give birth, which is why an hourglass figure has typically been thought of as the conventionally attractive body type – which you have– and I just thought it was worth mentioning that you looked nice since such compliments have been suggested to boost self-esteem as well as to convey interest in a rom-”

“Please stop.” Her voice carries an unfamiliar edge and he’s taken aback by the way her smile has vanished. Is that his fault? Has he said the wrong thing?

“I’m sorry if I crossed a line,” he says quietly. Is it because he said it? He has no right to talk to her like that, someone who is so clearly out of his league. There’s no way they could be any more than friends, not when she looks like that, and he looks like… well, like him.

“You know you’re one of the only guys here who doesn’t comment on my appearance?” she asks. He’s aware. Because any time he’s considered doing so, he gets too flustered to actually speak the words out loud. “No matter where I go, I get attention from men because of my body. I hate it. I don’t need strangers to tell me they think I’m pretty. It doesn’t make me feel confident or beautiful. Not at all.”

Reid doesn’t know what to say so he stands there, hands in his pockets, wishing he could take back his words. He doesn’t want to make her, his friend, feel uncomfortable. That’s not what friends do. Never did he stop to consider the possibility that those compliments made her feel uncomfortable.

Y/N sighs and mutters, “I don’t even like the way I look. I’m not thin like JJ or Agent Sharp. Every comment just reminds me of everything I’m insecure about.” She glances at him and adds, “You never mentioned my appearance. I liked that.”

It sounds like an accusation.

Mentally he curses Morgan and his advice. What set him apart was his attention to who she is, and not to what she looks like. He knows that there’s nothing he can say to make any of her insecurities go away, but he’s willing to try anything to make her feel just a little more comfortable.

She’s magnetic – but perhaps magnets have no idea the sort of power they possess.

“I never thought I had the right to say anything,” he blurts out. “I was afraid to say anything that could be interpreted as romantic interest because there was no chance someone like you would be interested in someone like me. After all, you’re my friend, and you look… you look like Beyoncé! I mean, you’re incredible and funny and sweet – and yes, physically attractive, but that’s not important. What’s important is that you’re kind to everyone, and you laugh at my jokes even when they’re not very good, and you stand up for people who need help. You don’t share the same body type as JJ, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re the most beautiful girl I know. And you have the most beautiful heart, too.”

It comes out in a rush of rambling, but he means every word. It certainly doesn’t hurt that she’s pretty, but that wasn’t what caught his eye first. He fell in love with her heart. While he allows himself to steal looks at her throughout the day, he finds she’s in his mind much more often. He replays the sound of her voice and the way she laughs, pictures her smile and the way the corners of her eyes crinkle when she does so. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t noticed that she has a well-defined waist, or a nice butt, however that was only natural. Biology and hormones. What he feels for her, it goes so much deeper than skin and bone.

That’s what this is about?” The frustration on her face shifts to surprise. “You’re trying to hint at romantic interest?”

His face is almost certainly the color of a cherry tomato, but he’s definitely gone beyond whatever line he was trying to avoid. The only way out is through.

“If I said yes, would that be detrimental to our friendship?”

She laughs, and it puts him on guard. Historically speaking, girls laughing in the face of his romantic advances hasn’t been good for him. But then she says, “I don’t think so. I’ve been hoping you would ask me out at some point. I just figured I wasn’t your type.”

She thought that he wouldn’t want her? The notion is so absurd he can’t help but chuckle himself. They’ve both been dancing around their own emotions all this time, so sure that the other could never reciprocate.

“If I were to ask, you’d say yes?” Reid tries to remain calm, but the question carries undeniable enthusiasm.

“Absolutely.” Four syllables have never sounded so perfect.

“In that case, maybe we could go out to lunch together? It’s possible that if you’re on a date, it could help deflect undesired attention. Though, uh, I’d be happy to make up for that with desired attention, if you’d like.”

“I’m not entirely sure what that offer means, but yes. I would love that.”

Her acceptance feels surreal, and he’s tempted to pinch himself just to make sure this isn’t some dream, or a very elaborate practical joke Morgan has set up. Because the most beautiful girl in the room – in any room, in his opinion – has agreed to go out on a date with him. The same girl who can quote all the Star Wars movies and willingly sits through Doctor Who marathons with him. Who never makes fun of him, even when he screws up. 

“It just means,” he says, “that I think you’re lovely. In every possible way. And I’m going to remind of that as long as it takes for you to see it too.”

Her smile is so bright it could melt him. She is magnetic, and he’s been pulled so far into her orbit that he doesn’t think he’ll ever shake this feeling. “Then I suppose lunch is a good place to start.”

“Y/N? I just have one more question.”


“Who’s Beyoncé?”

16 Days of Outlander - Day 16 - “To Ransom a Man’s Soul”

We finish with a bang our voyage through season 1 of Outlander with “To Ransom a Man’s Soul”. Probably somebody will need to ransom mine by the end of this.

Favourite scene

Even though I really missed all the healing process that we witness in the book, this is still a powerful scene. Claire knows she’s losing the battle for Jamie’s soul and so she enters darkness to search for it. The way she reacts to Jamie’s reveal of torture and experiencing arousal at BJR’s hands – keeping a calm front, swallowing tears, knowing she must hear it even though she probably wished to never talk about it again and glowing with love is a thing of beauty. Jamie lays it all out, believing himself broken, tainted and unworthy of her love.

Favourite line

“It’s the only explanation I have for all this. It’s the only way I can wrap my mind around what’s happened all these past months. It’s all been for you and me.” It has Claire, and we’re glad of it.

Favourite Jamie

Probably an odd choice – I could go for Jamie on the boat, starting to fight his demons. But I find this level of pain and distress a thing few actors could achieve. It’s not pleasurable to watch, but Sam brings such dimension to Jamie’s ordeal…and when he moans “There’s no more Claire!” tears really form in my eyes.

Favourite Claire

I really love this scene of Claire setting Jamie’s hand. Claire being a healer is such a huge part of who she is – here she saves his hand but later she heals wounds much deeper than bone. The way she finds that calm centre where a doctor must be to do his work, pushing through pain, loss and uncertainty…well done, lady.

Favourite character in the episode (and favourite performance)

He looks dead on the inside. There aren’t enough adjectives to qualify the performance of this man. He embodies a broken body and spirit, a lost soul, someone who has seen and has been touched by darkness, who feels corrupted by things done to him, a man who believes he has lost everything worth living for – and we believe it. We believe every word, every look, every scream. And we feel it. We are right there with him, victims of this emotional hit and run.

Favourite comic relief

No Highland man can resist Claire’s attributes. Oh, Angus.

Favourite shot

That an episode with such content can have so many beautiful (albeit brutal) shots really speaks for the quality of production.

A defeated man. This scene with Murtagh is amazing – we don’t need to speak Gaelic to understand that.

Only she could offer him some relieve from despair - She is the key to break him, and here BJR realizes that.

A recreation of art by Sam and Tobias.

Waiting is never easy, right Claire?

Probably my favourite shot of the entire episode. It’s like he reached a place when he doesn’t even care anymore – to drift away, to die, to sleep (perchance to dream), to merely stop existing and feeling.

Because she is the light, beautiful and hopeful, and I’d like to finish on a happy note.

It was a joy sharing this 16 Days of Outlander with you guys! Thank you @gotham-ruaidh for the challenge. Looking forward to what season 2 will bring :) Slàinte mhath!

Artist: Bill Prescott at Mass Ink in East Bridgewater, Massachusetts

“deeper than bones” is a lyric from the Third Eye Blind song “I Want You”. The full lyric is “You wanna know how deeply my soul goes? Deeper than bones, deeper than bones”. Third Eye Blind is my absolute favorite band and I knew I wanted to incorporate them into my first tattoo. I had it written out in my grandma’s handwriting, who is one of the most important people in my life. The love I have for my family and friends has always come first, and will always run deeper than bones.

Echoes Down the Hallway - Dean/Cas, 11x03 coda. [AO3]

Dean wakes in the dead of the night, the cool flesh of Cas’ palm pressed softly against his cheek.

“Dammit, Cas,” Dean groans, the icy chill of grace flaring beneath his skin, crawling up his spine, coiling around his toes. “I said I didn’t want it.”

“I don’t care.” Cas says flatly, face half illuminated by the bedside lamp. “You have punished yourself enough for one lifetime, Dean.”

“It’s what I deserve.” Bleary-eyed and shaken from the sudden wake-up call, Dean meets Cas’ gaze in the half-light.

“And do you think I deserved to be punished for what I did under Naomi’s control?”

“That’s not the same thing, Cas.” Dean aches, something visceral and vacant. Something desolate and empty stirring in his belly. Something angel grace could never touch.

“It is the exact same thing.” Cas’ hand grips Dean’s shoulder, squeezing, sparking something primal and hot in his chest. “Everything you’ve done, you have done because you believed it to be the right thing at the time. The only thing.”

Dean’s eyes flick shut as Cas’ hand slides up to rest against the tender flesh of his neck, warmth seeping down into all the hollow spaces carved behind his ribs, behind his eyes, touching something deeper than his bones.

“You should sleep,” Cas whispers. “I can make it easier for you, if you’d like.”

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   When I dreamt of Alaska as a child, the visions in my head were murky, albeit awing scenes of white blankets covering the land and mountain tops hiding their peaks within low-lying clouds. I could see it all in my head, but it was a memory constructed out of someone else’s written words. I was merely borrowing the experience; it was never truly mine.
   Seeing all of those childhood dreams with my own eyes, feeling it all with my own being - climbing to the top of one of those peaks, stepping into one of those snowy blankets on a trail, breathing in so deeply the evergreen will forever remain in my lungs - has conjured an indescribable force in me, deeper than my bone and tissue, deeper than the cells carrying me through each day.
    No, the borrowing life is not for me.

A letter that you'll never read.

(I’ve grown to realize that I write much more honest letters whenever they are written with the intention to not be sent, so here’s a letter to my dad that he’ll never read)

Dear dad,
I’m not sure if I’m mad or sad.
I’m sorry that I write so much about this,
But please don’t try to cover everything up with a kiss,
On the cheek, as if it’s all okay.
Because things weren’t okay yesterday,
And they’re still not okay today.
The worst part about all of this is the way you laugh at your own emptiness.
Playing games is okay,
But not when you play them with your children in the way.
Maybe you realized this,
And that’s why you push us to the side,
As if we are a form of pesticide.
You’ve always blamed me for taking away everything you wanted to be.
Well from a young age you spoiled any good thoughts that I had of me.
When you held me for the first time,
Did it ever cross your mind,
That’d you’d be the one to break your own little girl,
Instead of giving her the entire world?
Dads are supposed to be their daughters first love,
Instead while I was waiting for my dad to come home,
You were out shooting heroine that affected you in places deeper than your bones.
I’ve grown to realize,
That some things don’t change,
Even with time.
I grew up without you in my life.
So don’t even try to make an entrance now,
I’ll be fine.


gen; stan twins centric, language, amnesia stuff, hurt/comfort

summary; This isn’t Columbia, yeah, that’s what Andrew thinks as the world flips upside down.

stan gets a little mixed up with his old identities when his mind is fixing itself. ford tries to help.


notes; sorry, i was going to make sure star’s next chapter was out before doing anything else but this is more important

for @cakepann, because shit really sucks sometimes for no reason and i hope this helps a little

This isn’t Columbia, yeah, that’s what Andrew thinks as the world flips upside down.

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