The “If I Fought This DS9 Character, Would I Win?” Post
End Fight Probability: There is a 100% chance Sisko knocks you out.
Sisko’s a survivor, man. He’s Space Dad. Why you even tryin’ to fight your space dad? Sisko has fought almost everyone he’s ever met and triumphed astoundingly. He literally punched Q in the face. He is a goddamn hero. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Sisko.
Lt. Jadzia Dax
End Fight Probability: There is 99,999% chance Dax knocks you out.
Dax is basically a Klingon in a much hotter, more capable body. She’s gonna whoop your ass. If you do manage to beat her - and you won’t unless she lets you - you’ll have roughly 200 Klingons on your ass in a hot second, because blood oaths are a thing. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Jadzia Dax.
Major Kira Nerys
End Fight Probability: There is a 150% chance Kira knocks you out.
I get it. Kira’s small; she’s snarky; she is occasionally wrong about things. You might think this could be an easy one. But here’s the thing, friend: Kira killed a man for the first time when she was a prepubescent toddler subsisting on only bugs and her own fury. She is literally rage incarnate. She will fight anyone and anything. If you have an actual problem with her that you need solved, just talk to Odo. He’ll fix it. Just don’t fight Kira.
End Fight Probability: There is a 235% chance Odo knocks you out, and a 98% chance he takes your ass to space jail.
Odo literally has no bones. He doesn’t bruise or bleed. You can’t hurt him, and you will really, really embarrass yourself if you try. He literally doesn’t carry a weapon anywhere. Why? He doesn’t need one, his whole fucking body is a weapon. You ever tried to fight a Go-Gurt? It’s not a fun time. He will lay you out cold and probably put you in a cell to think about your poor life decisions. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Odo.
Dr. Julian Bashir
End Fight Probability: There is a 0% chance Bashir knocks you out.
Bashir is a doctor, okay? He takes that very seriously. He’s not going to hurt you, and even if he did, he’d feel so compelled to patch you up afterwards that your fistfight would probably just transform at some point into a very weird physical. But, take my word for it: don’t fight Bashir. Like, first of all, why do you feel compelled to fight him in the first place? And second of all: OH MY GOD HAVE YOU MET HIS INCREDIBLY POSSESSIVE CARDASSIAN BOYFRIEND? DON’T DO IT! DON’T
End Fight Probability: There is a 105% chance Garak straight up murders you.
DO NOT!!!!! FIGHT!!!!! GARAK!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST, DO NOT FALL FOR THAT “PLAIN SIMPLE TAILOR” ROUTINE, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HE USED TO DO FOR A LIVING??? HE WILL MURDER YOU, MAN! HE WILL MURDER YOU! HE WILL MURDER YOU AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT AND NOBODY WILL EVEN FIND YOUR BODY FOR ANOTHER 50 YEARS!!!!!! HE KILL YOU AND MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SNAZZY TWO-PIECE SUIT!!!!!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!!!! DON’T FIGHT GARAK!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!! DO NOT DO IT!!!!!
End Fight Probability: There is a 135% chance Worf knocks you out.
Unless you’re going in on Worf about what a shitty dad he is, just don’t. I know he’s a nerd, but he’s a Klingon nerd, dude. Don’t fight Worf.
End Fight Probability: There is a -7000% chance Quark knocks you out.
Yes. Fight him. Fight Quark. Fight Quark and win. Fight him for being a gross, misogynistic little shit. Fight him for abusing the shit out of Rom. Fight him for overcharging you for nonalcoholic beer and the worst bar food this side of the galaxy. Fight him on the behalf of his dentist. Fight him until he starts crying. Because he will start crying. Please fight Quark. Please.
End Fight Probability: There is a 15% chance O’Brien knocks you out.
I mean… you can definitely take him, but why would you? Something horrible and confusing is bound to happen to him in an episode or two, anyway. Leave the poor man in peace. Don’t fight O’Brien.
End Fight Probability: There is a 250% chance his dad shows up and knocks you out.
No, Jake probably can’t take you. He’s a bow-legged writer type with weak arms and no practical fighting skills. But the minute his daddy senses something amiss, he’s gonna be on you like beautiful, well-muscled coonhound on a scared, dumb raccoon who picks fights with children. Fight Jake at your peril, friend.
End Fight Probability: ???
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU??? LITERALLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, LEAVE EZRI ALONE
End Fight Probability: There is -15% chance Bariel knocks you out.
If his shirtless scenes with Kira are any indication, Bariel’s monastery has a benchpress. But he has one of the most punchable faces I’ve ever seen in my life, and he’s not big on violence, so you’ll probably be fine. He’s also got somebody trying to murder him every week or so, so if I were you I’d get in there quick. Do it. Hurry up and fight Bariel.
End Fight Probability: There is a 33% chance Winn knocks you out.
Winn’s not a great strategist, and, as person, is literally the worst, so if you get in quick, you might be able to get one up on her. But that woman has seen some shit. She has seen some shit. And… seriously, just look at her. That lady is so evil it comes off of her like stink lines. Who knows what would happen if you fought her? Don’t risk it. Don’t fight Kai Winn.
End Fight Probability: There is a 50% chance Gul Dukat knocks you out.
Yes, he’s bigger than you, and stronger than you, and in all likelihood can survive pretty much anything you can throw at him. Cardassians are like that. But for fuck’s sake, please fight him. Please, for the sake of the entire universe, fight him. Fucking fight him. Please for the love of God fucking fight Dukat