Uncle Popeye Fucks Up Hunting So Bad Legislation Happens
(Gun use, alcohol mention, amazingly- no animal death)
So you may remember Uncle Popeye from A Holiday Story, when he and grandpa tried to shoot a pheasant and fucked it up real bad. I called the Ohio Relatives. They have no idea how the family knew Popeye either, but that his given name was Richard, but got tired of being called “Dick” and after losing an eye in WW2, went by Popeye.
Look man, Ohio DOES things to people.
Popeye fancied himself the Great Outdoors-man, despite a long list of evidence to the contrary- besides the shooting incident, there was the time he got lost in the woods behind his house for a week despite being less than a mile from his house and six major roads, the time he almost poisoned the whole family after mushrooming in the hills only to be stopped by GG, and the time he got in a fight with a Woodcock and Lost.
The worst though, was Snowflake.
Near where my Ohio relatives lived, and continue to live, there is a Military Armory. (You know that joke about “If all your relatives all live in the same postcode, you might be a redneck?” Yeah, check that. Mom was the first to leave the state, and keeps urging the others that they are free to leave, they can’t keep you there. But I digress). The armory is actually kind of a large campus, several hundred acres in size, where they take lots of old munitions and aircraft and whatnot, and figure out how to take apart and dispose of them without blowing everything up to fuck. The whole area is fenced off to keep the locals from helping themselves to the munitions (A serious issue in redneck country), which trapped the deer in the forest inside.
The deer, no longer having to worry about hunters, but cut off from the outside population, basically went full Deliverance, and the resulting mutants are… rather pretty.
The mutation is Luecistism, not albinism, but it makes for pretty, pretty very stupid deer. Like, even dumber than white-tail already are, and whitetail are DUMB. But the deer on the armory could afford to be easy to spot and have no natural fear of anything, because there were no predators or hunters, and the soldiers stationed there had better things to do
The prettiest of them all was Snowflake, the large white buck named Snowflake, because soldiers are great at naming things. He was, by all accounts, a truly splendid creature- snow-white and shapely, with a well-developed rack. Not unlike a porn star, apparently. And many a man Lusted after snowflake, desperate for his head.
Or other things. Ohio’s a pretty fucked up place.
But unlike other men, who would only stare wistfully from afar, Popeye was absolutely determined to have Snowflake. The issue was, the military, having a few moments of sense, had decreed that having people wandering around a munitions decommissioning plant with firearms was likely to result in fire and death, declared that there was to be no hunting on their grounds. The only way Popeye could feasibly shoot Snowflake would be if he were somehow able to get him on the other side of the fence. But he couldn’t just cut a hole in the fence- it was fairly regularly checked, and he’d be caught. Nope. Somehow, Popeye had to get Snowflake on the other side of the fence without damaging it or the Military noticing.
It was during an afternoon of boozing and watching western documentaries, Popeye hit upon a solution. He was watching a tourism promotion for all the great outdoor activities in Colorado, when he saw the solution to his problem.
He could FISH for deer.
Specifically, he fly-fish. In his mind, he could clearly see how it would play out. he’d simply find a heavy-duty line, cast it over the fence, tangling it in Snowflake’s antlers, and then reel him over the fence, where it would be perfectly legal to shoot him and then he’d be the envy of all the men down at the elks lodge. Hah! Genius!
So that spring, Popeye began tossing corn over the fence to lure deer to that particular secluded corner, and was immensely pleased when Snowflake started turning up regularly. He’d get his trophy AND some fat venison! All summer and into fall, he continued this, with the deer getting entirely too casual about his presence. he also got his hands on some deep-sea fishing line and practiced ensnaring the antlers of his dummy deer in the backyard. Just to make sure he had the leverage to haul Snowflake in, he got the harness that attaches the pole to your hip. All was going according to plan.
So the first day of hunting season, Popeye goes to his corner where he’s been feeding the deer, and Snowflake is there, waiting for breakfast. Great. Popeye backs his pickup truck up to the fence, and stands on the bed so he can cast over the fence. The deer, being imbeciles, fail to notice anything amiss. He casts, and miracle of miracles, he gets the loop over Snowflake’s antlers on the first try! Popeye whips the line around some more, making sure Snowflake is good and tangled, before reeling him in.
Apparently snowflake just stood there for this part, presumably looking confused. Then the line began to pull on him.
As Popeye would later recount from the hospital: “That’s when I realized. Deer ain’t Mackinaw.”
Popeye had, in all his planning, not taken into consideration that a 200-pound buck at the height of his testosterone-riddled rut might be somewhat disinclined to be pulled over a fence. Furthermore, Popeye had failed to account that at 5′5″, he was of similar size to the deer, and in nowhere near as good of shape.
He recalled ALMOST flying over the fence as Snowlfake turned and ran for the safety of the base. He did not quite make it, and cracked both knees as they slammed into the fence, jeans and harness shredding on the barbed wire. it was not enough to separate him from the harness, only enough to slide it down his legs and tangle around his ankles, so that once he hit the ground, Popeye was dragged for half a goddamn mile by his feet as Snowflake frantically tried to get away.
Once at the base, and all manner of bruised, cut up and abused, Popeye was relieved when they finally came to a halt. he regretted it half a second later when he realized that Snowflake had only turned around, and was now bearing down on his sorry ass full-tilt. Several puncture and kick wounds later, Popeye managed to kick off the harness, freeing himself from Snowflake, and had to run back to where he thought he’d left the truck. In the middle of the night, in the woods, with cracked patellas and without pants.
It took him all night to find the fence and truck, but managed to get back over the fence and to the hospital without being spotted. In a fit of paranoia that almost pased for good sense, he drove to three counties away to be treated, so the police wouldn’t find him, bleeding all the way. He neglected beforehand, to tell any of his friends or family where he was going, except that he was deer-hunting.
He was very disappointed when he turned up a week later and found out nobody had gone looking for him.
Snowflake was found tangled up in a tree, and was cut loose by the soldiers, apparently upset but unharmed. Concerned that the poachers were getting too creative for their own good, the base petitioned the state legislature to maybe make a law that you aren’t allowed to fish for deer, Christ, we only found the poor man’s pants.
The state legislature, in a fit of rabid libertarianism, declared that such a law would be too restrictive upon the freedom of Ohioans, so the Army tried the country. The county, which had to actually deal with this kind of bullshit on a semi-regular basis, agreed, and it is now illegal to Hunt any bird, fish or quadruped with devices and equipment not intended for such purpose.
Popeye never went deer-hunting after that, and Snowflake went on to sire many many more pretty inbred deer.
Rare Snail Fish Swims by ROV Hercules | Nautilus Live
The Liparidae, commonly known as snailfish or sea snails, are a family of scorpaeniform marine fishes.
Widely distributed from the Arctic to Antarctic Oceans including the northern Pacific, the snailfish family contains about 30 genera and 410 species. They are closely related to the sculpins of the family Cottidae and the lumpfish of the family Cyclopteridae. Snailfish are sometimes included within the latter family. The snailfish family is poorly studied and few specifics are known. Their elongated, tadpole-like bodies are similar in profile to the rattails… (Wikipedia)
Weird Fact of the Day:
The Blobfish (psychrolutes marcidus) owes its unusual appearance to its gelatinous flesh, which is slightly less dense than water and allows it to float above the seafloor without expending too much energy on swimming.
It has no bones or muscles - this is why it turns into a ‘blob’ when it reaches the surface. Underwater, it is suspected to look more like its cousin, the Blob Sculpin (second picture).
(Photos belong to Claf Hong and NOAA)
The deep sea holds strange and wonderful creatures. While diving with a remotely operated vehicle off Salmon Bank in Papahānaumokuākea Marine National Monument, the NOAA Office of Ocean Exploration and Research came across this Ophidiid fish, or cusk eel!
Alrighty; its been quite a while since I’ve made a post, but here’s one anyways.
So, I have a bad habit of Astral Traveling when I’m in the middle of class; I don’t know how, but hey, it happens. Anywho, a few days ago I went “deep-sea fishing” I guess, and ended up in who knows where at the bottom of the ocean. There I met a cool boy; his name is “A”, and being the nosy little butt I am, I knew that I would likely never run into anybody as pretty as this boy again, so I jumped on the chance to ask him as much about his species as I could.
He was nice; really smooth and pleasant voice; you could fall asleep to this thing, it was like a lullaby when he spoke. Hit record and I’d be out.
Anyways, his species, a type of deep sea merfolk. I drew out some pictures as to what he looked at as more of a guide for you guys to see what I mean.
He had this kind of Opal-escent like skin; it reflected at the smallest amount of light; again, he was beautiful I swear. His ears were kind of like fins in a sense, apparently they doubled as sonar receptors; meaning he could pick up deep sea chatter. His eyes though were real cool. There are two kinds of eyes that he said that he had.
The first was one that he used when he went into shallower water or to the surface (I really don’t think he goes up there a lot tbh). Like us, hes able to see in bright light; go figure. But here’s the cool part.
Now when he goes back down, in the dark, a sort of second eye lid covers his eyes. Apparently it acts as a protector for them if hes ever attacked, but it also allows him to see in the dark better than if he didn’t have that kind of skin on. It acted like an eye patch; you know, how a pirate would cover one eye so that if hes ever fighting, he could uncover the eye and see in the dark if he were to go from a sunny place to a dark place; kinda like that.
So I bet you’re asking whats up with his neck, so, he has skin obviously; but from below his jawline; to part of his upper chest he has some thin scales. They for a kind of upside down triangle, and from what he told me, it glows in the dark when hes looking for a mate. And beneath that, he had some large gills. Now there we would have our lungs obviously, but he has the large gill covers that are in threes. It reminded me of a shark, but apparently they’re different.
Now to his back. It has 6 fins; that generate electricity. They’re sort of rounded, but also have small spines where they connect to the back. They can also pick up vibrations in the water since they’re so sensitive, and they act as tiny propellers in a way.
His fins were white; sorry about the image its a bit big; but if you zoom in you can see my little notes. Ok, so from below the stomach and organs and such, I don’t know why you can only see his bones but that’s apparently how it works, you have this little transparent spot on his fin. It ends about halfway through, but it glows in the dark so that they can see on the sea floor. In a sense I guess its like how jellyfish down there generate their bio-luminescence or something. A’s fins were rounded, not split, so he was a strong swimmer, but kind of slow. They looked flat but pretty strong, but still a fish fin, not like a Ray or anything. His large fin was white too; so he was just this white fish boy who never saw light lol.
In the dark this is how it looked.
He was pretty cool; and seemed friendly enough. Again, the prettiest boy I’ve ever met, so if you ever decide to go down there, try to find one of them. Although, I don’t think all of them would be as friendly as he, so still be careful; some things down there will scare the living daylights out of you.