pairing: youngjae x reader
genre: mostly angst x fluff
word count: 3.050
authors note: I’m a sucker for angst. hope I did justice to your request and I hope you enjoy this! big thanks to for requesting!
There’s nothing more embarrassing—you concluded—than being stood up for the third time in a month. It had been four hours since your date was supposed to have started. Of course, you knew that conflicting schedules came with the territory of dating an idol and you had done your best to be understanding of the restrictions. But it wasn’t his absence that really put you on edge, it was the fact that there was never a warning.
In this daunting age of technology, you figured it should be second nature for your boyfriend, the love of your life, to at least send you a measly text message to let you know he won’t be able to make it. Anything would be better than decking yourself all out and driving all the way to the reserved restaurant, only to wait for someone that wasn’t going to make an appearance.
Fuming, you yank your shoes from your feet and fling them into your shoe closet. You know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Youngjae canceling a date with you. But he hadn’t answered any of your calls or texts. It was like talking to a brick wall. Actually no, you were positive that at least a brick wall will break under pressure. To top it all off, you were sure everyone at the restaurant could tell you had been stood up. Usually, you hardly cared about public opinion but by gods, you had been so humiliated.
You know in a few hours Youngjae is going blow up your phone when he remembers that he forgot. If there was something you admired about him, it was his tenacity. But at the same time, you know you can never stay mad at him. You understand that he can’t help it if he’s busy with preparations for shows, interviews and everything else. However, that doesn’t stop the irritation bubbling within you.
Christ, get a grip y/n, you try to calm yourself down. In a few months, it will be all over and you can fall back to the regular daily life you’ve been accustomed to. Not one where you are constantly plagued with the fear of being forgotten and always checking your phone even though you know there’s nothing interesting happening in there.
Trudging your feet into your living room, you pull out your phone and mindlessly check if he’s sent anything new. But all that you’re met with is an enthusiastic
Youngjae: Practice will end soon!! and I can finally be reunited with the most beautiful soul alive :) ah, I miss your face too much. See you soon babe <3
See you soon, he said, see you he didn’t. God, you hate that you’re being so petty to the whole situation but it’s not like you have an on and off button on your emotions. Your father had always encouraged emotional expression and you were positive this could be categorized under that. You mull over possibly leaving Youngjae another voicemail. The last one you’d sent had been two hours ago when you were assertive the waiter was giving you the stink eye because you hadn’t yet placed an order.
The only bright light in this ordeal is that you at least got something to eat before you called it a night. You flop onto the sofa and close your eyes. Maybe if you sleep it off, you wouldn’t be as frustrated when you woke up. Anger can do a whole lot of things and you don’t want to say something that you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Taking a deep breath, you channel your energy into sleeping for a few hours.
You’re so out of it that you don’t hear the slipping of keys into your apartments keyhole and even the loud as death screech it makes every time it’s pulled open does nothing to wake you up. In fact, you don’t realize the other presence in the room until you feel the something moving up your arm. In a state of alarm, you push yourself up and dramatically flail your arms around you.
In swift movements, he catches your forearms with his fingers. “Hey, hey. It’s me,” he says and you realize that thing that had stirred you awake was your favorite blanket. The one you always offered Youngjae whenever he stayed over.
“Oh,” you can’t help the feeling of disappointment falling into your voice.
Taking in his appearance you notice the bags under his eyes, they were worse than the last time you had seen him. As always he reminds you of something exquisite and intangible. Even with his tired eyes he still makes you feel a thousand things at once. There will always be something about him that makes you feel safe. His smile is strained and you can tell that all he wants to do is sleep, you know you probably shouldn’t bring it up but it falls out of your lips before you can restrain it.
“You left me waiting for four hours.”
Youngjae sighs exasperatedly. “I know. I’m sorry, it’s work and—”
“Work,” you say incredulously. “I understand work but that is not the problem here. You always do this.”
His head cocks to the side as he stares you down. “Do what, y/n. You know I can’t help the things that I can’t change.”
Pushing yourself off the sofa you stand at your full height and he raises from his squatted position almost concurrently. Your thoughts are in shambles; ramming into one another. On one hand, you want to be as brutally honest with your feeling as you possibly can but, on the other spectrum you know if you blow up at him all rationality will be thrown out the window.
You scoff, there goes rationality. “That’s not the problem. The problem is that you never let me know ahead of time. Leave me hanging like I’m some damned fool… why can’t you just text me? A simple ‘hey, I’m busy. Lets raincheck’ would be better than you completely ignoring me.”
“I was busy, I lost track of time. I certainly don’t want to ignore you,” He takes a step forward and reaches for your arm. Unconsciously you lean away. “Look I’m sorry, okay? But it’s not like I can be with you every single second of the day.”
“That’s… that’s not what I want! You cannot not keep in touch with me for weeks at a time and then when we finally set a date, you go ahead and pull some Houdini disappearance act on me and expect me to be all open arms.”
From the corner of your eye, you can see Youngjae clenching his fingers together—something he does when he’s exceptionally agitated. He had never been the type to get exceptionally angry, to be honest, you think he’d only shown his anger maybe twice in the year and a half you’d been dating him. But for some reason, you want it. You want something other than his strained smiles, and his incessant apologies.
“It’s really not that big a deal babe. My schedule has been packed really tightly these days and –”
“You’re not the only one with a schedule Youngjae. That’s not even the issue. Why couldn’t you call me? Text me? Anything.”
Does he not feel the same way as you do? Why can’t he see how much it hurts to go weeks without seeing or talking to him? Why can’t he understand that you hate calling the other boys just because your own boyfriend refuses to let you know how he is, where he is? Intentionally or not, there is an arrow wedged deep in your chest and you
want need him to feel it.
Now here’s the thing about anger; even if you try to the best of your ability to reign it in, at some point you will without a doubt lose control.
Maybe you just want to passive aggressively get your point across but words are direly heavy things. One thing means another, you misinterpret the reasoning behind it and suddenly you’re saying things that you would have never said in your right mind, or at least you would have rephrased it differently.
“I was busy!” Youngjae takes a daring step forward.
The tension in the air is so heavy that you’re sure if you could sense auras you’d see pitch black. You stand your ground—if you don’t let this out now then when?
“Then what?! You expect me to continue waiting for you when you wouldn’t bother to meet me halfway?”
“Maybe if you weren’t so clingy all the time this wouldn’t be a problem.” He says running a hand through his hair but not once taking his gaze off yours. “Maybe if you had a life you wouldn’t be so obsessed with mine.”
Words really are the bane of man’s existence. When you were younger and your mother had told you in simple terms ‘words can kill’ you had naively thought it meant name calling. But now? Now you realize that it’s more than that. Words that hit your subconscious. Words that hammer directly on your insecurities. Words that for the life of you, you can’t erase from your existence.
There’s a long strangled silence as the cogs in your head attempt to fathom his words and rightfully place them into your resentment. Youngjae knows he’s spiraled the situation out of his control the moment the words tumbled out from his mouth. In fact, he’d known he’d messed up the minute he’d checked his phone and had seen the countless text messages you had left him.
“W-what?” you sputter out, blinking a dozen times a minute. “I’m obsessed with you? Is that really what you think?”
“No. I…” His voice trails off and a sense of urgency pushes him to clasp his fingers around your shoulders. “I didn’t mean that, you know I didn’t. I’m just stressed and—”
Fuck, you want to cry. Stressed? He thinks you don’t know that? Every day he’s being worked to the bone and you know. Not because he tells you, he doesn’t tell you anything these days, but because you have to ask Jaebum and Jinyoung once every few days if Youngjae at least had lunch. You know the way he is, he always forgets, allows time to pass him by.
“Youngjae, I think you’re still not understanding the problem here. You haven’t even apologized. Not once since you stepped foot in here did you say sorry. Is it wrong that I care about you? Is caring about you so horrible that you take it upon yourself to cancel me out?”
His fingers dig deep into your shoulders and you fear that that’s the only thing keeping you from falling apart. If someone had told you that you’d be in this situation you would have scoffed. Youngjae was the closest thing to Starfire that you had ever known. Something that was so beautiful and dangerous yet burned exceedingly bright. In the grand scheme of things, maybe you should have been more cautious before you fell irrevocably in love with him.
You can’t possibly understand what’s going on his head and that’s why the words hold more weight that you want to carry. His words are ultimately one of the few things you can rely on. He takes a deep breath as he leans his forehead against yours. You’re tempted to shake him off, but you find out that you can’t bend your body to your own will.
His hands move from your shoulders to embrace your fingers at your sides.
“I’m so sorry y/n. I’m so sorry you have to deal with someone who sucks at expressing how much he deeply cares and appreciates you. I’m honestly… I don’t know why I said that.”
Holding you tighter, you watch as his eyes glass over, and you have to bite your lip to stop your hands from reaching over to grasp his face in your palms. He’d always been a crier, when he laughed, when you watched Lion King and Mufasa died, when he ran over a really Big Pinecone but thought it was an extremely small raccoon and freaked out so bad he was one dial away from reporting himself to the police.
“I never meant them and I’m so ashamed of myself for not saying the things I truly do mean. Like how I’m more than thankful that you’re sympathetic to my job and how demanding it can be. How I’m so sorry that I forget really important things that mean so much to me but bigger to you. You are literally one of the best things that has happened to me and I’m so scared of messing this up but I still end up doing exactly that. ”
For a moment you wonder what exactly you should do. Do you reach over, like you want to, and hold his face? Do you use your words and try to make sense of how you feel? You’re no longer as mad as you were a couple of minutes ago. If anything, this argument has you completely drained.
In the back of your mind, you know that Youngjae didn’t mean what he said, you trust that. Nonetheless, a seed of doubt is still planted in-between that trust. There had to be some basis of authenticity to his statements. Right?
“There’s not,” he says and your eyes widen. You had said that aloud? Jesus Christ. “If there’s anything I’m certain about it’s that. How can I hate someone for caring about me?”
“Lots of people do. Take for instance people that call their significant others clingy.”
He chuckles mirthlessly at your blatant jab. “I deserve that. I promise to do better. I can’t—I don’t want to lose you. I love you so much and I really do not want to picture my life without you. I’m sorry for backing you into a corner and for not being more considerate to your emotions. I should’ve talked it out with you. I shouldn’t have used my work as an excuse for something I had control over. I’m sorry.”
“I’m… sorry for not confronting you earlier. I shouldn’t have bottled up my feelings. I guess I thought I was doing us a favor,” you turn your head to the side because for some inane reason you’re beyond embarrassed.
Youngjae lets go of one of your hands, using his fingers to grip your chin and tilt your face to his direction. “Thank you for putting up with my blockhead behavior. Also, this might come as a surprise but I was really excited about our date tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t make it.”
For the first time that evening you take in his full appearance. He is dressed in a pair of classic-fit navy dress pants and the button-up collared shirt you had bought for him months ago for valentine’s day. He looks more dapper than you’ve ever seen. Although his eyes are tired you can tell he went through great pains into looking good tonight.
“Oh. Wow, you look amazing. Very debonair.”
He grins sleekly at you. “I was on my way to meet you. But JYP made us stay back and practice our concert setlist like a billion more times. I lost track of time and forgot to tell you what happened. By the time we finished you’d already left me four very passive-aggressive texts.”
You shrug your shoulders a little. “I was irked. I figured there was a reason you left me hanging, but I was still irked.”
His hands reach over and slide into your hair. You find yourself leaning into his touch. This. This was definitely what you’d been missing. Everything always felt perfectly aligned when he held you and you loved it. There was nothing in this world that could compare to the feeling of being lit up every time he touched you.
“Do you think you can forgive me? For being so incorrigibly inconsiderate?”
“Probably,” you bite your lip. “If you can make up for it.”
The stars twinkle around in his eyes and you try not to laugh. The arrow wedged in your chest isn’t there anymore, or you’re sure somewhat of the weight is gone. You’re content that for the first time in weeks you’re not going to go to bed alone. Youngjae is smiling without his eyes, it’s something you can feel inside you, especially because you’re doing the same thing.
His face dips closer to you. “Oh, I’ll make up for it. The problem comes after that—Tomorrow morning, when I have to go back to reality.”
“Well, tomorrow morning I’ll still be here. So would you. That’s all that really matters, everything else is just extra. I’ll always keep worrying if you’re okay, the only thing I ask it that you worry about yourself too. You’re always bending your back for other people, I just want you to do the same for yourself.”
Youngjae pulls your body steadily towards him. His breath fanning your face. “I’ll do my best to remember. I know you worry about me and I love that about you so much.” His lips are dangerously close to yours. “I will always try to meet you halfway.”
“That’s all I want,” you say and close the distance.
A/N: oh my gosh, i don’t know if the angst here was good enough but still it would be super cool if people gave me feedback on this! i hope you liked it! thanks for reading x