december 12 2010

I think I’d like to start writing every day again. Now, I’d very much appreciate it if you don’t read this. I’d like this to be as private as possible, but I want people to read it at the same time (is that weird?). No, I know: I want people who matter to read this. This is uninteresting anyway…however, if you do happen to read this, just don’t mention any parts of this (or any future posts) to me in person. Don’t ask me any questions about it. Just leave it alone…and I would be fine with you reading it.

So, here goes~

So far, I’ve been very…apathetic about everything. I think today was actually the first time I was excited about anything. I love Christmas shopping, and I am currently dying inside right now because I would very much like to wrap these little presents with tissue paper and tie it with cute little ribbons! Anywho~

If you know me (though I don’t even know why I’m saying ‘you’ since I should only be speaking to myself), then you might have assumed by now that that paragraph above must mean that my sixteenth birthday had not been very exciting if I had the audacity to write that in the first place.

Well, to be honest, this would possibly have to be the worst birthday I have ever had. Yes, yes, it was wonderful, but at the same time, it was not that great. I mean, the people were great. The presents were great…but it was not complete. It just felt so empty. And hollow.

I don’t know.

The party was great, and I am very thankful for everyone who came, and for making it as enjoyable as possible. It had to be the most thoughtful, most meaningful birthday ever, and I now love everyone who has made it special even more than I had before. So, it was special. Really, it was.

…but something was missing.

No, it’s not him. On the contrary, I think that if he were there at that precise moment, it would not have been as enjoyable because it would have been very awkward. Too awkward. And I would not have enjoyed seeing my best friend unhappy on her special day, as she always is when he’s around. No, he’s not it at all.

I don’t know what it is precisely.

But today had been exciting. And I think I’d be even happier if I was able to decorate these little presents today as well. Sadly, however, I have a pile of work still left to do…and I have not started any of them. I will take some time now to list some of them, as I find lists to be quite helpful at times like these (although, most of the time, I end up not even bothering with that list again, and making an entirely different list [I currently have about 10 lists saved in my folders for this month alone]) :

Today, it is absolutely necessary for me to finish the following:

  • HRTU4 
  • SCHU2
  • WARD POST-SECONDARY VISITS WORKSHEET THING
  • ENGU14 OUTLINE
  • ENGU16 UNIT WORK
  • FSFU5/6

I have not started any of these. What is wrong with me? It is 9:29 PM, and I have not started. Unit fours and fives must be done before the Christmas break. Wednesday’s my last day.

(Please don’t laugh at how behind I am. I am trying.)

…but I am failing. I have lost the motivation to do any of my units. I have lied to my teachers, and told them that I will be seeing them after the parent-teacher interviews when I still haven’t (what am I supposed to see them about anyway?), and I have not been doing anything at home but play the piano. I could play for three hours straight. Just play the same songs over and over again (I swear, my family is getting annoyed with listening to these same songs over and over again). And my fingers ache, but I don’t care. It’s better than aching anywhere else…

I am happy! I am happy! I am happy!

I mean, I should be. I am possibly the luckiest person in the world! I should be happy!

Why do I suck? I suck 'cause I’m not happy.

Dude.

Anywho,

I’d like to point out that ever since this school year started, I have been seeing the world through blurred eyes. Literally. I’ve been finding it difficult to stay focused and be present in the actual moment. Rather, I find myself often blanking out and thinking about other things, and this is probably one of the reasons why I can’t seem to stay focused on my units.

Also, I have been (more) irritating than usual at home, and it’s saddening, really, because my family is such an amazing group of people, and they don’t deserve to be treated like how I treat them. I’ll try harder.

I still find it very weird that Ms. Largo told my parents I was behind due to the fact that I was “probably over confident.”

In other news, I wrote an editorial for the Mary Ward Planet! My very first solo article ever! 

…and I won’t even be credited.

I am actually quite angry by the fact that I had to write it “on behalf of the Mary Ward Planet Executive Team” when I didn’t even make it to “the Mary Ward Planet Executive Team.”

At the same time, I would be embarrassed to see my name there. It’s not that that great.

Blah.

I think I will do units now.

Good day.

(Pardon my bad grammar)