dear prudence

Your wife says, “Actually, I’m bisexual,” and you hear, “I’m only half in love with my wife and hoping to keep my options open while I look for a heterosexual exit.” But all that she’s saying is that she’s bisexual. That’s it. You’re adding a lot of assumptions, fears, and insecurities to the mix. She’s in a relationship with a lesbian, but that doesn’t mean she’s in a lesbian relationship.
—  Dear Prudence, AKA Mallory Ortberg, offered some wonderfully bi-affirming advice in a column this week when responding to a lesbian married to a bisexual woman. It’s a nice change from the last Prudie’s stance on coming out about bi identity. (via Slate)
Look, I Don't Want To Break Up My Ex's Marriage, But I Need Him To Get Me Pregnant

Dear Prudence, 3 June 2013:

Q. Heartbreak, USA: I am considering having a child with my married ex-boyfriend. We recently reconnected and have spent time together, without things going too far. I still love him and he claims he never stopped loving me. After our breakup I cut all ties, but knew of the marriage through mutual friends. After seven years, he sought me out. It was great catching up with him because I really missed our friendship. I don’t want to cause issues in his current relationship. However, my clock is ticking and he is the only man I’ve ever considered being a parent with. I’m getting older and I’m in a great place with my career and finances. I date, but no one seriously. I want to start a family, and I know my ex will be a great dad. If he agrees to start a family with me, I am even willing to keep the baby’s paternity a secret. I know this is inappropriate, but it doesn’t necessarily feel “wrong.” How out of line would it be to bring this up with him?

Dear Heartbreak USA,

What more could a child ask for than a mother so dedicated to parenting that she would be willing to generously sacrifice someone else’s relationship to bring a beautiful baby who can never be told who its father is into the world?

Would that all children could be raised by someone as selfless and thoughtful as you–after all, you don’t want to cause issues in your married ex-boyfriend’s relationship by having a secret baby with him, which means there’s no way you could cause any issues in your married ex-boyfriend’s relationship just by having a secret baby with him! Bam! It’s that easy. 

The reason this doesn’t feel “wrong” to you is that it isn’t–because it’s something you desire, and the things you desire can never be wrong, particularly since the only physically possible way for you to have the child you so clearly deserve is to have it with this married guy who called you up after seven years and claims to have loved you the whole time except he accidentally married someone else, because he is a super stand-up dude and a straight-shooter.

And hey, if getting pregnant by a man you’ve spent seven years secretly mooning over means he’s permanently yoked to you via a child, that’s just a silly fun little bonus! You totally just want a baby! Any baby! By any means necessary but specifically by the means of your married ex-boyfriend’s godsperm, you know, no big deal, it’s all about the baby!

Do this, because if you don’t, the world will never forgive you, the best candidate for motherhood of all time.

5

 Across the Universe (2007)  - Julie Taymor

5 bullets on this film:

  • Let’s start this by saying that I’ve been in love with The Beatles since I was 7. Literally, I wanted to marry each one of them. Now, this film is a musical inspired by The Beatles, so yes, it’s my kind of movie. The plot is not original (it reminds me a lot of Hair), but it’s still fun.
  • The scenes are beautiful and everything’s kinda psychedelic, so the whole vibe of this film is nice and relaxing. I love Julie Taymor because she has an awesome visual style that turns average stories into beautiful movies.
  • JIM STURGESS. THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT. ALSO,  JOE ANDERSEN. One of the cool little details about this film is that the characters kind of look like famous musicians (Dana Fuchs and Janis Joplin, Martin Luther McCoy and Jimi Hendrix, Joe Andersen and Kurt Cobain).
  • I think we don’t need to talk about the soundtrack, because, duh, obviously it’s great. The songs are well sung by the actors and the covers are really amazing, I just think that some of the songs were kind of forced into the film, you know?  Suddenly, a wild Beatles song appears.
  • Ok, everythings’s great and stuff, but I couldn’t stand the unnatural dialogues and the corny jokes. 
Help! Poor Kids Want My Hard-Earned Candy

Dear Prudence, 23 October 2014:

Dear Prudence, I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids? —Halloween for the 99 Percent

Dear Halloween for the 99 Percent,

Forgive me for straying toward another holiday altogether, but I’d like to paraphrase one of the most beloved literary characters of all time

Are there no workhouses? Are there no prisons?

I think you see where I’m going with this. Already you must divert what funds you should rightfully be able to use on that second yacht to supporting America’s notoriously robust, even overadequate, social safety net. Must you also give candy bars to poor, lazy urchins who don’t even know the value of a hard day’s work, and thereby teach them that they deserve the same king-size Kit-Kat bars that the nose-to-the-grindstone children in your own neighborhood have earned honestly?

It’s not your fault that your neighbors’ precious offspring had the foresight and diligence to be born into unimaginable wealth, while these moocher-babies couldn’t even get it together enough to land with a couple of piddly-ass lawyers.

This is America, not communism! Don’t feel bad for standing up to this encroaching oppression; give the poors a Snickers and they’ll soon get all kinds of uppity ideas about having access to the same education, health care and political enfranchisement that their wealthy superiors enjoy. And then where would we be? A nation full of people who believe they’re created equal in the eyes of the Great Pumpkin?

Halloween isn’t about trick AND treat, it’s about trick OR treat. Feel free to avail yourself of the “or” and instead of handing out candy, drop a bootstrap in their buckets.

the white album explained (part 1)
  • back in the ussr:the beatles are the red beach boys (they forgot their sunblock)
  • dear prudence:"hey prudence farrow you haven't eaten in days stop meditating won't you come out to pla--wait omg stay there i had an idea" -john lennon
  • glass onion:can everyone shut up paul isn't dead (yes he is)
  • obla di obla da:life goes on, brah (still the red beach boys)
  • wild honey pie:george's wife wanted to end the beatles
  • bungalow bill:john tries to get yoko and the other beatles to hang out with each other
  • while my guitar gently weeps:george likes eric clapton
  • happiness is a warm gun:the beatles take a break from the hippy shit and preach violence
  • martha my dear:paul likes his dog
  • im so tired:oh john can't sleep at night, but just the same, i never weep at night, i call your name
  • blackbird:paul is a little late to the civil rights movement but that's what dying can do to a guy
  • piggies:reverse animal farm (regular farm)
  • rocky raccoon:he was a fool onto himself
  • don't pass me by:ringo,,,,good job
  • why don't we do it in the road:
  • i will:he will
  • julia:john writes a song about his mom à la paul style
HELP My Sister's Family Doesn't Adhere To My Definition Of What A Family Is

Dear Prudence, 17 March 2014:

Q. My Sister Is Polyamorous and Pregnant: My sister Julia recently told our family that she and her husband Jake are in a polyamorous triad with their best friend Tony. The three of them have been together for as long as Julia has been with Jake (seven years) and all of their friends know that, essentially, Tony is Julia’s other husband. They decided not to tell our more traditional family (with the exception of our brother) until Julia became pregnant, as she is now. She does not know whether the child is Jake’s or Tony’s, but both men plan to raise the child equally. Our brother claims they’re an amazing set and that Julia has never been this happy. My parents, my husband, and I are more realistic and feel queasy about the arrangement. I cannot imagine how their child will feel, growing up with half siblings (Julia plans to have children by both men) and with their mom sleeping with two men. I don’t know how they will provide the children of this “marriage” with stability. My husband doesn’t want Tony around our children, even though Julia has asked that we now treat him as her husband in addition to Jake. I love Julia but am nauseated by her lifestyle choice. I think eventually it will end disastrously. How can I support this?

Dear My Sister is Polyamorous and Pregnant,

How can anyone know what results child-rearing will yield? I mean, except for you, a person who 100% without a doubt can say that your sister is setting her family up for abject failure?

There’s so much uncertainty these days, except when it comes to your knowledge of how your sister’s familial decisions will negatively impact the children she and her family, and not you, a person nauseated by the slutty sluttitude of your sister, is about to raise. Who knows what might happen in the future? Besides you, of course, the person who knows everything about how people who you aren’t should raise their children.

First, there’s the issue of the fact that your sister is the sole person who has made the “lifestyle choice” of polyamory in this situation, which the two men she is partnered with clearly have not made, as your sister is clearly the strumpetest strumpet of all time, with your opinion not at all being informed by a patriarchal culture of misogyny. Your totally reasonable, well-thought-out ire is rightly directed at her, the Jezebel that puts all other Jezebels to shame, what with her decision to raise a family with a bunch of people who love and appreciate her.

Literally all decent humans have been raised by two monogamous heterosexual parents. No person on earth who has ever achieved success or happiness has been raised otherwise, as is clearly documented by the fact that you are nauseated by your sister’s decision to live her own fucking life the way she chooses.

How can you support this, you ask, as a person who is 100000000000000000000000 percent solely invested in supporting, rather than judging, her gross sister and her heinous awful appalling decisions? Well, you could just treat your sister like an autonomous person who has engaged in building a family with other autonomous humans, but where would that get you? Then you’d probably end up broadening your fucking horizons, and then the world would crumble into tiny, vomitous bits of nobody cares what you think.