dear paranoia

dear Taylor,
they say you never forget your first love.
I guess this is proof.

dear Matt,
I don’t know a thing about quiet desperation.
I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.

dear Eric,
dodging this bullet
still makes me feel like one of
Charlie’s Angels.

dear Kevin,
you were a two year experiment
in bad kissing and unwashed sheets.

dear Alyssa,
it took me an entire semester of art classes
to understand why I felt jealous of your teeth.
it was the rawest kind of wanting.

dear Garrett,
I said no.

dear Emily,
Emily.

dear Zach,
your legs looked better in stockings than mine did
and I still haven’t forgiven you for it.

dear John,
you’re why I panic in locked cars.

dear Sean,
the paranoia that develops
after being even lightly stalked
never really goes away.
I’m still looking over my shoulder.

dear Emily,
I saved every letter.

dear Adam,
I was drunk.

dear Madison,
we were both drunk.

dear Dale,
I wanted to practice leaving someone
who didn’t care that I was leaving.

dear Johannes,
letting you tie me up
was the closest I’ve come to commitment
in years.

dear Emily,
I’m sorry I missed the wedding.
I never got an invitation.

dear S,
you graffitied your name all over my heart
and then stood me up at the airport.

dear Ashe,
I’m not sorry for the poems.

dear Caitlyn,
if I never kiss anyone again,
you’ll be the last person my lips touched.
we both know I’m okay with that.

dear Emily,
I still don’t know what to say.
—  20 LOVE LETTERS (after Jeanann Verlee) by Trista Mateer