(Dear mom and dad, please don’t kill me over this permanent choice. I want you to hear me out.)
Today, I am coming out with something that only few of you know. I am ready to have a conversation about my mental illness.
Last year, I was diagnosed with depression. And in all honesty, I believe it was a problem for quite a while before that, but I think it just got worse to the point of hardly functioning.
So today, I got this tattoo. I feel that my leg was the best place for the meaning behind it. When everyone else sees it, they see “I’m fine,” but from my viewpoint, it reads “save me.” To me, it means that others see this person that seems okay, but, in reality, is not okay at all. It reminds me that people who may appear happy, may be at battle with themselves.
To me, depression is the days that I feel sad for no reason. Depression is the mornings that I don’t feel capable of getting out of bed. Depression is the sleeping too much, or sleeping too little. Depression is the homework that I never completed, simply because I didn’t feel like I was capable. Depression is the break downs I have over absolutely nothing. Depression is the eating too much, or eating too little. Depression is the nights I begin to cry because I feel so overwhelmed, even though everything is going right. Depression is the 50 pounds I carry in my chest at all times. Depression is the need to constantly be distracted (being on social media, playing video games, watching movies or shows, or working all the time) because I can’t trust myself with my thoughts for longer than 3 minutes. Depression is the friendships that have suffered because of my inability to function. Depression is the hurtful thoughts and actions I have towards myself. Depression is the tears I have because I don’t know why I feel so worthless, when I know I should feel happy.
This is one of the most difficult things to open up about because it’s extremely hard for me to feel vulnerable…but this needs to be talked about. Mental illness is serious, but so shamed in our society. We care so much for our physical health, but hardly a thing about our mental state. And that is seriously messed up. Mental illness is not a choice and will likely hit everyone at some point in their life. If it’s such a huge issue, why aren’t we having this conversation about it?
That’s why I got this tattoo; they are great conversation starters. This forces me to talk about my own struggle, and why the awareness of it is important. You’d be surprised by how many people YOU know that struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness. I may only be one person, but one can save another…and that’s all I could really ask for.
Maybe this is part of why I am so interested in psychology. I want to help people who feel the way I have—and still do—because it’s hell. And I don’t wish that upon anyone.
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” —Robin Williams
**Also, THANK YOU to the ones who have helped me in this battle. I would not be where I am without you.**
Dear mom, thank you. For being there every second of my childhood life. You took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. My tomorrow always starts with you. Your smile becomes a morning habit to me. Thank you for having patience with me when I didn’t want to eat the food you cooked just because it has vegetables or whenever I pretend sleeping at noontime. I’m sorry ifI love to play all day. Thank you for lending your arms whenever I cry at midnight, I always find solace in between them. Your voice melts my worrying, and it becomes a lullaby to me. Thank you for teaching me how to walk on my own, you showed me how a little sunshine could do wonders in this world. I have enjoyed my childhood life because of you.
Dear mom, thank you. For being my life’s greatest teacher. You have colored my days with your guidance, affection, care and attention. Thank you for teaching me how to write, count and read. Thank you for comforting me on my first day in school. For the provisions, I needed in life. I know, we are not rich, but you always make a way just to ensure I’d have a bright future. You prepared my better days, and I’d be forever grateful with that. Thank you for disciplining me the right way and teaching me how to become a better person.
Dear mom, thank you. For everything. For being my provider, teacher, friend, protector and my home. You will always have the biggest place in my heart. Thank you for teaching me how to become confident and independent. Thank you for always wiping my tears and calming all of my fears. Thank you for introducing our Lord God in my life. For all of the countless times, you were there to become a friend and become my shelter whenever there’s a storm. Thank you for caring me whenever I’m sick. For making me feel safe every time. Thank you for believing first in me and guiding me on every decision I make in life. I wouldn’t be here where I am in my life without you.
I know, these words will never be enough to thank you for every sacrifice you have done for me. But give me this moment to say this: Mom, I’m rapturously in love with you. I don’t say it as often, but I love you, and I will always be grateful to have you. My life is in the better place because of you. Your love is the reason why I’m strong, inspired and successful. Thank you for letting me walk on my journey. Don’t worry. I will always be your little child. I will always stay with you, through whatever and whenever.
I love you more than you’ll ever know. You are the greatest; you are my everything. And I will always see you in every wonderful experience that will happen to me.
-so I remember seeing this joke post a while ago about Cynthia leaving her husband and marrying Heidi and I’m like,“Why not?”
-in middle school Connor starts acting out and Cynthia just wants to help her son but Larry doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him and after years of barely staying together for their children they fall apart and end up getting a divorce
-it’s a few months later and she’s struggling to get her groceries in the car when Heidi goes over to help her
-they start out as friends and eventually begin to date
-after a while they decide to have their kids meet each other
-Connor has been getting therapy and other forms of help that doesn’t mean he’s alright with his mother suddenly dating this woman
-little Evan and Zoe immediately like each other
-Evan is terrified of Connor and tries staying as far away from him as physically possible
-Heidi and Cynthia see this and think about breaking up
-Connor hears them talking about it and for as much as he doesn’t like to show it he cares about about his mom and he knows that she really likes this woman
-both are surprised when Connor starts acting nicer to both Zoe and Evan and decide to stay together
-they get married in Connor and Evan’s freshman year
-Cynthia takes Heidi’s last name Hansen
-Jared does not like Evan’s step-brother and can’t believe that someone as nice as Evan can tolerate Connor
-Connor is pretty sure Jared likes Evan and is not happy about this fact
Rachel Bay Jones, winner of the award for Featured Actress in a Musical for Dear Evan Hansen and Ben Platt, winner of the award for Best Actor in a Musical for Dear Evan Hansen, pose in the press room during the 2017 Tony Awards at 3 West Club on June 11, 2017 in New York City.