dear future home

Dear Future Wife...#604

I’m no stranger to cheesy romanticism. I mean, read this thing. This is me.

And yes, I’ve always been hopeful. Even in my darkest times, if it was quiet and I was looking out of my window, or up at the stars, the sounds of the night quietly soothing me…I’d send two things out into the universe. A wish for us to finally find each other. And a clear and frustrated “Where are you?!” I can’t tell you how many plane windows I’ve looked out of and pondered this question. I can’t tell you how many sunsets I watched missing you by my side.

I don’t have the feeling of needing to escape anymore. I don’t want to wander aimlessly in pursuit of “freedom.” I don’t need to rationalize my fears and settle for going at it alone. I’m not lost. I’m not wandering.

I’m home. You’re my home. And it doesn’t matter if I’m halfway across the world. It doesn’t matter that I can’t touch you no matter how hard I try to reach you through the iPad screen. When I think about us in any context….I’m home.

I want infinite moments of just sitting quietly together. I want to stare at you until you notice and ask me “why are you looking at me like that?” I want to fall asleep together. I want to wake up to your bed head. I want to be at the end of that aisle smiling so big that I can barely see. I want you in my life in a big way.

Because this new home? It’s perfect. And I’m already moved in.

Dear Future Wife...#500

I’m on day 10 of 10 of an out of town job. I almost have everything packed and I’m waiting to have one final meeting with 2 clients before I can head home. I’m not really homesick. I don’t really have anyone to rush back to, but I miss my bed. And I miss my mountains. And I miss not wearing shoes around the house. And I miss reliable high speed internet.

I like hotels. I always have. There’s something cathartic about living minimally. It’s been testing my limits. I’ve already purged a bunch of stuff from my life, and really, I can survive relatively well with all my gear and clothes in 2 suitcases, 2 rolling duffle bags, and one backpack.

But I miss you. In a way that I haven’t in a while. I look up at that sky and think, wow, if only I could call you and say something super cheesy like, “hey, are you seeing this moon? It’s the same damn moon I’m looking at” and you’ll laugh and my soul will be refilled until I get to see you again.

I’m not really homesick because you’re still out there and I haven’t found my home yet.

Dear Future Wife...#406

My heart races simply recalling the memory. I was on the couch, scrolling through whatever feed I was looking at. I check my email. I comment on some inane thing on Facebook….

Then I hear footfalls. I recognize your steps. You’re wearing sneakers today, at least that’s what I guess because the sound is solid, but soft. Not crisp and sharp like when you’re in heels. I take a second to ponder why I’m focused on that, but then you turn the corner. And there it is.

You’re smiling at me. And everything fades. It’s not a special day. Not really. I hadn’t seen you in a little while, but I don’t remember what I did that day or where you were because I was waiting for you at your place, on your couch… but you’re here now, lighting up my life. And seeing your new haircut and feeling your laugh rumble through my chest as we hug hello makes up for all the moments I missed you up until that point.

Dear Future Wife...#544

We’re walking back to our cars and I almost trip over nothing. It just rained and the sky is still flashing beautiful streaks of lightning…and I blame the wet asphalt. As we walk in between our two parked cars, you laugh and turn around to wrap your arms around me. You’re saying something sarcastically mean, but your hug is warm and I can feel your laugh all over. And you tell me when you’re free next week and I won’t let go of your hand as you walk away and you feel like what home is supposed to feel.

Dear Future Wife...#555*

It’s so new, but it feels so comfortable. You tell me what you’re wearing when you pick me up from the airport in case I can’t find you in the crowd. I can see your feet and I know it’s you before the escalator reveals both of us to each other. I haven’t seen your face in a few weeks. But things weren’t the same a few weeks ago. I should be a nervous wreck…but I’m not.

We marathon one of your favorite shows that I’ve miraculously never seen…the first few episodes shared in the living room while eating dinner. And when you suggest we watch some more in your bed, I don’t really know how to handle that information. I’m barely on the edge of the bed, but it’s already one of the most comfortable beds I’ve ever sat on. Oh no, the pillows are heaven. And damn it. Now YOU’RE in it too. I take a deep breath as you find the next episode and look at me like I’m crazy for almost falling off the bed. We settle in. And I can feel how warm you are just from our knees touching through blankets and how you’re leaning ever so slightly onto my right arm. I should be a bumbling fool…and I am a little. But mostly I’m not.

Two episodes later, you’re curled up sideways and I have one hand tensely grasping your shoulder because I don’t know where the boundaries are and the crescendo to the cliffhanger is making me nervous. I genuinely love this damn show. And I love that you’re gauging my reactions to your favorite parts. But you’re just so damn adorable and I should be an anxious mess, but I’m still not.

We fall asleep mumbling about plans for tomorrow and I’m half awake for most of the night, not knowing how my arms and legs work anymore. You turn into me and nuzzle into my shoulder and plop your right arm over my torso and I silently tell myself, “don’t you dare move ever again” and I can feel your sigh sink you further into your dream. I should feel strange in a new bed with this beautiful nerdy incredible girl, but I can’t find the weird.

And in the morning when I realize I have fallen into a deep sleep against all odds, you stretch and reach for me. And when I feel your hand graze over my stomach because my shirt has ridden up and I gasp in surprise and you laugh into my neck…I forget how scared I thought I would be and all I feel is “I’m home.”