dear diary

Found all these skulls in the woods! They’re so cute ~

I have another skull which is a rat skull but I left that at my boyfriend’s.

I also found a human finger bone and part of a human eye socket all in the woods too. 

Apple cider vinegar and garlic! Garlic is wonderfully potent stuff, and infusing it with acv transforms then both into a fragrant treat.

Just place peeled whole garlic cloves into a jar and cover with vinegar. Place in a warm spot, I do mine in this window where the sun comes in, and let sit for 3-4 weeks. Shake it daily.

There is an extra step where you drain half the liquid and mix equal parts honey with the vinegar and pour back over garlic. Then let sit for another month. But I usually just do the first part since that’s a lot of honey to use.

I usually use the infused vinegar for salad dressings and as a powerful cold fighter, and I use the garlic for anything I’d have garlic in. It’s an immune booster, digestive aid, and good for circulation as well. (You can also eat the cloves whole if you’re hardcore)

For the first time in months, I read until I fell asleep last night instead of scrolling through social media. I slept so much better, and I’m actually wide awake at 5:45am. Will try again tonight and post results.

It feels good to finally have a moment to catch my breath, to poke around in the garden, to pick up things for the chicks, to dry and ferment food, to engage in the activities that nourish me.

I’m trying not to glorify and romanticize my productivity. Not to say that I don’t feel accomplished at times, but overall I want to examine my busyness. Working at the farm is exhausting, and not just physically. I have to interact with the people I work with all day, people who are casually ableist, and whose racial micro aggression wear on me constantly. And when I’m not at work I’m doing people favors, working for them, running errands, etc. When I do have time for myself (which I’m trying to make more of) I’m tired, burnt out, trying to recover from labor and social interactions. But I still feel that nagging urge that I should be DOING SOMETHING, and it morphs into guilt by the end of the day. That’s a whole huge thing that needs unpacking regarding race and capitalism….

And then there’s my tendency to isolate myself. I want to reach out, I want to hang out! I neglect so many of my relationships. Most of my close friends moved away (that’s the nature of college towns and 20 somethings), and I find myself alone on every day off, trying to recover so I can do it again the next day. Too afraid to reach out to people I want to connect with.

Ugh, and then there’s my mental illnesses, which is honestly the reason I can’t deal with cooperative living situations right now. Keeping my psychotic episodes a secret, keeping my anxiety, depression, bpd all hidden takes energy.

I look forward to the day when I have my own house and farm where I can open up my doors to people who can’t work and don’t want to destroy themselves with soul sucking jobs. We’ll take care of each other. Now I just gotta survive until I can make that happen.

AND my family has a big ass house in San Francisco that will be mine in time and I ain’t charging rent!

July 16th 2015

Dear diary,

I am gayer now than I have ever been before and it doesn’t look like it’s stopping, soon I will reach my goal of becoming a power gay. Maybe one day if I’m lucku I will finally become a supreme gay, we can only hope.

Yo yo yo so I made an etsy shop where you can order bracelets or guitar picks. I wanted to start making a little money with things I do anyway, so if you have the money, please help me out? I make friendship bracelets, rainbow loom bracelets, or paracord survival bracelets. And I can make custom guitar picks all for relatively cheap.

whenever someone compares me to a cool character like Ed from Bebop i have a habit of going “Ahhhhhhh but i can’t be, i’m not special enough THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ED” but like, chill. its just a comparison.

also lets be real im a vagrant androgynous weirdo that goes out in public in underwear and no shoes and messy hair and spends the rest of my time in someones home on my computer(s) like CMON

i am all about gray foggy mornings in late autumn when there’s a chill and a shiver in my body. mornings that call for large sweaters and rain boots. standing in the woods with pine and rain and smoke in the air. or standing at the edge of the ocean with salt in your mouth and the wind in your hair. the feeling of being both lost and found at the same time. the promise of returning home in your hands. a lick of winter at your heels.