I will miss Münster honestly. This was a really lovely run, with crispy leafs, a golden sun, a stronger wind… Really a dream.
I am quite busy packing stuff and stressing about everything. I hope everything will work out. Tomorrow will be the last day here, and friday I’ll leave for good and move to Hamburg completely. I am equally excited and scared. I will be very happy when this weekend is over!
It’s wild to me how I’m still searching for freedom through all of this. Trying to free myself and be comfortable with being me. I feel like it’s going to be a constant growth experience because I’m trying to be involved with others as well while they are on their own journeys. Sometimes I’m in a state of just wanting to share my thoughts with those who I’ve made a connection to and I’ve learned recently that that’s not always a good thing. My thoughts may not always be welcomed and that’s okay. It’s all a part of learning who to be comfortable with and who not to be comfortable with. Also teaches me what to share and with whom to share it. So it’s a lot to the dynamics of rotating with people who seem to operate on a higher level of understanding. I just have to continuously navigate it all with harmony in my heart and peace on my mind.
sometimes i forget how many times i’ve picked myself off the floor, how many times i’ve washed away smudgy makeup and put myself to bed. how many times i’ve said no to something unhealthy. said yes to something good. how many times i’ve treated myself with kindness and patience. i forget how many times i’ve tended to wounds and made peace with my own anger. if i was taking care of a body that was not my own, i’d believe i was doing everything i could. so here’s to remembering that i’m doing the best i can.
I am so afraid that I am going to waste so much of my life being sad when I should be living. And not just living, but living vibrantly and loudly. I want to read more, travel more, learn more and talk to more people without feeling held back by the confines of my body. I no longer want to feel like I am drowning, sinking, falling or being swallowed up whole by something monstrous. I want to feel alive, lovely and brilliant, even for a moment
sometimes your heart will hurt. sometimes your smile will ache. sometimes your light will dim. sometimes your spirit will break. sometimes your entire world will come crashing down with no warning, and no signs.. but no matter how destroyed you feel - you have to be willing to dig deep inside of yourself to find some ambition to get you back right. you have to look out for you. you have to let go. you have to place your focus primarily on YOU. nothing about losing what’s familiar feels good.. but uncomfortable places can be beautiful. growth is beautiful. you are beautiful. you shouldn’t have to wait around and pray for someone to love you. you should love you. you should let go - because nothing worth holding onto will ever destroy you. and holding on is destroying you. trying to love someone into loving you - is destroying you. let go because you have to get a hold of you. you have to retrace your steps and figure out where you let YOU go. you have to take time to yourself to reflect on when and where you lost yourself. you have to let go of what no longer is - and accept what may have never been.. then you have to pick yourself back up. you have to release any negativity clouding your mind and you have to rid yourself of hopeful feelings. cleanse your soul. listen to your intuition. learn yourself. let go of any bad habits you’ve picked up along your journey. and start over. no matter how bad or how much it hurts.. let go and start over. holding on is destroying you.
You spend a lot of nights awake and shaking, full of a deep fury. You shoot arrows of hatred and they all seem to come back and attack your heart like boomerangs. Loneliness licks away at you like a wolf observing its prey. Some nights you can’t imagine a night darker than this one. Nights where the light is at the end of some very long tunnel and you’re tired. Your body is tired of moving forward. You spend a lot of time asking yourself “how can I fix this?” Because the thing is, you want to get better. You want to feel better, live better. People around you give you all kinds of advice - start exercising, talk it out, write it out, drink more water. But that’s too much. You handle it the only way you know how: by surviving. You sleep often, eat when you can, shower when you remember, meet up with friends when you feel up to it.
Because the thing is, the thing that no one tells you is that healing is monotonous. Boring. Exhausting. It takes forever and it always feels like you aren’t making any headway. You have a bad night and it feels like you’re right back where you started. But one day, you get up before 11 and consider it a victory. Weeks later, you go for a walk and the fresh air clears the fog in your head for awhile. Sometime later, you’re sitting in a restaurant somewhere and it hits you that you feel lighter than before. Maybe it’s a small change but that’s fine because you go to bed that night telling yourself that tonight is not the darkest night.
We heal the same way we grow: slow and quiet until we bloom.
always sunny has so completely ruined my sense of humour, like…… I could not name One Single Josh Groban Song but every time I see his name or likeness I just have this disgusting need to say “Groban likes his ladies to pop”, aloud, to any and all present company