Seventh Dear Diary
I am pleased to not e that Mathias has been dubbed Sir Mathias Carevin by lady Reinhardt. I was present during the knighting. He was going to be off - away for some time doing dangerous work. Miersae offered him a position with us to make use of his skills. I have never been so proud and so miserable all at once. Had I not pushed Mathias away, perhaps she would not have been prodded to offer him a position to stay. The lady is such a good woman I could cry, However, I have not shed a tear for sometime.
So much has happened over the past two days. It’s early enough that I do not need to go over the third day for it has not happened yet. I will be brief as possible for there is work to be done in the clinic as well as within myself.
At this point Lady Miersae, Dana, and Mathias know what transpired between the woman and I. I am beyond grateful that she spoke with him - to keep him here with the House. She understands the difficulty of my newfound Empathy as she has a degree with it herself. Dana has encouraged me not to shy away from the power. To learn and grow with it. She understands the burden of this skill. I spoke wit her the other day and she provided such knowledge and encouragement. She it the greatest Guardian I could ever hope for. She is like a mother to me -the caring and protective sort. Much unlike those who brought me to life. With her encouragement, I know to seek Lady Reinhardt and Doctor Corwin for ways I can control this gift.
Mathias understands not only the error in the happenings, but the dangers of it as well. After much review and a few days to myself, I can understand how he cannot trust me. Who could trust someone that can alter feelings? Loosing control of something so close to the heart is scary.
I wonder if Canaveral had such hindsight. I do not believe she has abilities, but she does have an awareness about her. In my attempt to find someone to practice with, I sought her out. Per usual, she has always been recluse to me. I lost my will when I finally spoke with her. She lead the conversation and departed swiftly. There is something about her that I cannot put a hand on. Perhaps she is not my task to help. perhaps I’m not even meant to help anyone with this power.
Emotions can be a dangerous thing. Everyone feels something, whether they show it or not. For one reason or another, we can put up barriers and build up resistance to certain feelings. Yet we all experience them. I took myself back to the Abby, only returning to assist with major happenings with the Doctor. They almost did not recognize me with shorter hair. I was fond of such hair, yes, however cutting it acts as a timer.
If I do not have some kind of mastery of my powers, I do not deserve to be at his side. I hurt someone I care deeply for. It is going to take time to heal, I have no control over that. However, if I work that hard, I would at least find reason able to pursue him. As much as I should not say Mathias is the reason I am driven to master this for, he is one of the main reasons. I have to do this for myself, for others. This may be a way I can fight to protect those in my House, it could possibly assist with internal conflicts.
I am writing this after considering my options in the wake of new abilities. I do not know what to call it. I cannot say it is from the Light, for I have my share of doubt - enough to dampen its effectiveness. It seems like heightened Empathy, but I do not know what it is called. I do not know what it means. I just need to be able to not let it get out of control.
I’d give anything to return to the night by the lake.