dear cod

"Saucy Jacky" Postcard
Jack The Ripper
"Saucy Jacky" Postcard

I was not codding dear old Boss when I gave you the tip, you’ll hear about Saucy Jacky’s work tomorrow double event this time number one squealed a bit couldn’t finish straight off. ha not the time to get ears for police.

thanks for keeping last letter back till I got to work again.

Jack the Ripper

Why I will never be able to open my own business.
  • Me: I'd like to open a chain of seafood restaurants called "Dear Cod In Heaven."
  • Loan Officer: Okay. What does your business plan look like?
  • Me: ...
  • Loan Officer: ...
  • Me: "Dear Cod in Heaven." Like "Dear God in Heaven" but like with a fish because we're a seafood restaurant.
  • Loan Officer: Yes. I get that. But what's your business plan?
  • Me: ...
  • Loan Officer: ...
  • Me: On the sign there'd be a fish with a beard.
Unwanted House Guest - Part 11: Cards & Sharks

“Full House!” Arnick shouted as he slapped his hand of cards on the table, “Read ‘em and weep, boys!”

The sound of “GAAAAHHHH!!!” echoed from the three other men sitting around the card table.  Cap'N Cuttlefish still couldn’t believe his old eyes.

“Sink Me!  That’s the fifth hand in a row you’ve won, bucko!” Arnick just grinned as he swept the pot his way to add to his ever growing winnings.  “Are you sure you aren’t cheating?!”

A scruffy man with a tricorn pirate hat and wearing a very colorful outfit shook his head. “Worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen.  If he really was cheating, I’d have known it for sure, or my name’s not Captain Jack Dempsey!”

“BLISTERING BLUE BARNICLES, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!” shouted a taller man wearing a blue turtleneck sweater and wearing a cap similar to Cuttlefish’s.  He slammed his fist down and glared at Arnick who was sitting opposite him at the card table.  “There's NO WAY that freshwater swab is THAT lucky!”

Arnick just gave him a smug look in return, “Sorry Captain Marlin, but you’ll have to get up pretty early in the morning if you hope to beat Captain Arnold Nicholas Swimmer at a game of poker!”

“Why you little…” the burly man was about to step up from his seat when Cuttlefish placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Easy there, Marlin. Don’t want to be starting a scene now, do yah?”

Captain Jack Dempsey interrupted, “Yeah!  That’s my job, savvy?”

Arnick chuckled, “Well Captain, unless you have a few more chips in your pocket, it looks like you’re out of the game for now.  Unless you plan to give up the deed to Haddockspike Hall?”

FAT CHANCE!

Captain Marlin just stood up and stormed off fuming.  There went his whiskey money.

After Marlin had walked off, the colorful pirate also stood up.  “Gentleman, it’s been a pleasure, but I’m afraid I really must be off,” the pirate said as he excused himself.

“Ohhh, but it was just getting good, Jack!”

The pirate whipped around and pointed at Arnick, “That's Captain Jack to you, mate.  And while it has been a pleasure, a good pirate also knows when he’s beat.  But just you wait ‘til next time!”

Arnick just smiled back, “Looking forward to it!” Arnick then turned to Cap'N Cuttlefish who was the last player there.  “Well then Cap'n, care to go for another hand?  You never know!  You might just break even tonight!”

The old man shook his head, “Sorry, bucko, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to wake up now.”

Arnick blinked, “Beg your pardon?”

Cuttlefish just motioned around at the tavern they had been sitting in which was adorned with naval memorabilia, “Well isn’t it obvious?  This is all a dream!”

“A dream?”

“Sure!  I mean, you just won five hands of poker, without cheating, against three captains, and two of them don’t even exist!”

Arnick looked a little disappointed, “Oh…”

“Besides, that outburst coming up is going to jolt you upright for sure!”

“What outburst?”

A male voice suddenly shouted,

“YOU DID WHAT?!


Arnick’s eyes popped wide open.  Moving only his eyes, he looked around and saw that he was laying on a couch in a room he didn’t recognize.  To his side, two Inklings stood.  One was a boy with pink tentacles and who wore a complete traditional apron and sandal outfit.  He was looking extremely worried.  He was hollering at another Inkling with blue tentacles who…

Oh Dear Cod…” Arnick thought as he immediately shut his eyes again. 

“It was an accident!” Indigo responded.

“YOU DON’T JUST DO AN INDIGO BUSTER BY ACCIDENT, SIS!”

“I was angry!  I mean two guys in like the span of an hour… My ass isn’t an all you can feel buffet!”

“ANGRY IS KICKING THEM OUT AND BANNING THEM FROM THE RESTAURANT!  THIS… THIS IS JUST PSYCHOTIC!”

Arnick had no idea why the waitress who had thrashed him within an inch of his life was standing beside him. He guessed that whoever the pink Inkling was, they must be family because he can’t imagine anyone yelling at Indigo like that and living if they weren’t.

“Oh come on, Amaranth!  I used to do that move on you all the time when we were little.”¹

“YOU SENT ME TO THE HOSPITAL THREE TIMES BECAUSE OF IT!”

“That was your fault!”

MY FAULT?!

“Yeah!  I told you to stay relaxed and loose and everything would have been fine, but you just had to get all tense.”

EXCUSE ME FOR TENSING UP WHEN MY BIG SISTER IS FORCING ME TO FALL, UPSIDE DOWN, HEAD FIRST!”

Arnick was a bit relieved that Indigo’s brother was apparently taking his side, but as he listened to them argue, his thoughts began to drift to other more important matters. He needed to go find Tetrox and fast before anything else could happen. He also had to think about what to say when he found her.

“Dad is going to be SO PISSED when he hears about this!”

“It’ll be fine!  I already told Dad about it.”

“WHAT IF HE SUES?!”

“He won’t sue us.”

“How can you be so sure?!”

“We got video evidence of him pinching me.  I asked Dad to check the security footage a few minutes ago.”

This worried Arnick.  He hadn’t taken much notice of the placement and location of the security cameras in the restaurant.  Depending on the angle of the shot that the camera took, it might look like Arnick really did pinch Indigo.  If that was the case, he wouldn’t be able to leave for a while.  The police would be called in and it would just be an absolute mess.  Before he could think more about it, he heard a small chime.

“And there he is now.  He just texted me,” Indigo said as a matter of fact while pulling her phone out from her apron pocket.  Arnick could hear the sound effects of a standard smart phone, but not the same kind as his iSquid.  It sounded more like an AnemoneDroid.  After a few moments, there was a brief pause of silence.

“Uh oh…” Indigo said quietly.

“Uh oh?” her brother mocked, “What do you mean 'Uh Oh’?  'Uh Oh’ does not sound good, sis!”

“Well… it looks like I owe him an apology when he gets-”

“Let me see that!”

Arnick could hear the smartphone being snatched away by Indigo’s brother.  There was another pause of silence before Arnick heard Amaranth nearly choke on his own spit.

“Oh. My. Cod. We’re. SCREWED!

“Hey, I didn’t see that one coming at all.  If anything, this makes it her fault now, so-”

“YOU BEAT UP THE WRONG PERSON, SIS!  WE’RE GOING TO BE FED TO THE SHARKS FOR THIS!”

Arnick knew exactly what he was talking about too.  Sharks tend to make for surprisingly effective lawyers. Ads for Hammerhead,  & Associates: Personal Injury Attorneys can be heard on the radio, seen on TV commercials, and billboards of theirs can be found all over.  They even had a great tag line too.  “Don’t let the legal system feed you to the sharks!  Get the sharks that will fight for you!”  However, Arnick had more important things on his mind at that point and now seemed like a good time to get involved in the conversation.

“I am not feeding you to the sharks,” he said.

Indigo smiled at Amaranth,  “See? It’s all good!  He’s n-” she stopped mid-word as both she and Amaranth looked at Arnick.  Arnick just looked back up at the two of them and then cleared his throat.

“Excuse me, but…”

“I’M VERY SORRY!” Amaranth bowed until he was at a complete 90 degree angle.  “PLEASE DON’T SUE US!”

Arnick sat up still feeling very groggy after having been out of it for who knows how long.  He noticed that Indigo wasn’t even looking at him.  “I’m not going to sue you!  You can stop worrying about that!  Ouch!”  Arnick felt a small tinge of pain in his shoulder which Amaranth quickly picked up on.

“AH!  Do you need anything?!  An ice pack?!  Aspirin?!  Heat Pad?!  Shoulder Sling?!”

“Will you cut that out?  I said not to worry about me suing and you don’t have to worry about me either!  I just need to know where my…” Arnick wasn’t quite sure how to refer to Tetrox after what happened, but there was only one word that stood front and center in his mind, “…friend went.”

Indigo glanced over at him then looked away again.  “Dunno.  She bolted right after she pinned the blame on you.  Not sure where she went.” Indigo then turned to him and for the first time in a while, actually looked him in the eyes, “Although you sure she’s your friend?  After the stunt she just pulled?”

Arnick thought about it for a moment and then decided with a nod of his head, “Yes.  I don’t know why she did that… well, I might have some idea… but I’m determined to find out one way or another.”

Amaranth had returned to looking at Indigo’s phone.  Their Dad had sent Indigo a video clip he had extracted from the security camera in the restaurant.  While looking at the clip, another text from him came in.  The words he had for Indigo were not kind to say the least.  But at that moment, Amaranth remembered something, “Wait… your friend was the Octoling girl, right?”  Arnick nodded in response.  “I remember her now.  I saw her storm out of here heading towards the central plaza when I was coming in.”

“Thank you!”  Arnick knew exactly where to go now.  He quickly moved to stand up, but found he had to take it slower than he had anticipated since his muscles were still extremely sore from the beating he took earlier.  

“Whoa, are you sure you’re ready to move?” asked Amaranth.

“As much as I’d love to stay and listen to siblings squabble, I absolutely must find her!” Arnick slowly stood on wobbly legs, taking care to maintain his balance. Indigo and Amaranth were both somewhat impressed that he was even able to sit up, let alone stand, so quickly.  When Indigo pulled her Indigo Buster on Amaranth years ago, he wasn’t able to walk for a good 48 hours.

Indigo looked puzzled, “Hey, look, I’m sorry for… well… messing you up and all that… but you really should think about just staying put for at least another hour or…”

“Sorry.  No can do,” Arnick responded, “She’s my responsibility and who knows what may happen if I let her out of my sight!”

“Your responsibility?” Indigo echoed.  She gave that particular wording a bit more thought, “Did you knock her up or something?”

Amaranth shot a look directly at his sister, “INDIGO!

Indigo just shrugged, “What?!  You’re responsible for Cerise, right?”

Arnick and Amaranth both spoke at the same time, “Not like that!”  Indigo couldn’t help but give a small chuckle at the coincidence.

Arnick sighed, “If you must know, I’m…” Arnick wasn’t sure what the best words were, but quickly thought of something, “…her tour guide to Booyah Base.  And not only that, I’m also her ride home.  If I don’t find her, then I’d be a very piss poor tour guide, now wouldn’t I?”

“I suppose so…” Indigo said sounding unconvinced, “…but, listen, even if you were responsible for her, you don't have to go after her right away.  Shell, now that I know what kind of squit she just pulled, she’s probably not even worth the trouble.  You should just rest up for a bit and then go looking for her.  I’m sure she’s fi-”

“Thanks, but no thanks.  I appreciate the concern, but I really must be going!” Arnick said firmly, “Whether or not she’s 'worth it’ as you said really doesn’t matter. She’s still my responsibility and nothing less of falling unconscious again is going to stop me from finding her.”

Indigo sighed knowing full well there was no convincing this guy.  “Fine.  But just so you know, by leaving here, you absolve Paradise Reef and its employees from any liability towards any injuries or complications of existing injuries sustained after exiting the facili-”

NOT THE TIME, SIS!” Amaranth hollered back.

Arnick had now gotten to his feet and was ready to head out even if he had to take it one step at a time. As he started heading for the break room door to leave, he then turned to Indigo with a serious look on his face.  “There is one thing…” Arnick had just figured out how to address Tetrox when he found her, “Can I get a box of Takoyaki to go, please?”


Meanwhile, at a trendy head accessory shop in the middle of Booyah Base…

A bell chimed as the door to Cooler Heads opened.  A short and shy Anemone girl with thick glasses and a fluffy head of pink and green hair tendrils looked over to see the customers that had just entered the shop.  “Oh, um… Hello.  W- Welcome to Cooler Heads.  I’m Annie.  How can I-”

“LOSER ALERT!”  Before she could finish her sentence, the clown fish that was living in her hair shouted out at the top of its gills,  “LAME SAUCE DETECTED!”

Tetrox glared at the clown fish that was glaring right back at her.  Ursy, however, just waved at the two, “Hi Annie!  Hi Moe!”

Annie recognized the little Inkling right away, “Ursy!  W- What are you doing here?!”²

“Looking for my sissy,” she said plainly.

“Oh dear… did you get separated from her?”  Ursy solemnly nodded, “Oh… you poor thing…” Annie motioned to the wares in the shop and gave Ursy a smile, “Why don’t you wait here?  I’m sure she’s worried sick, so she’s probably going to come back here looking for you.  You can stay here and play with the hats until then.”

“NO SHE AIN'T” Moe shouted.  It was clear to Tetrox that Moe did not know what an indoor voice was.

Annie looked straight up with as stern a look on her face as she could have, “N-Now Moe… she’s a lost, little Inkling and… and it’d be irresponsible of us t- to not help.”

“SHE’S A LOSER!”

“S-s-she’s only seven years old!”

“KID’S SO NOT FRESH, SHE AIN’T EVEN RIPE!”

“You… You stop that Moe. P-P-Paying customers… are not losers… and n-n-neither… neither are their family members!” Annie was trying to be as firm with Moe as she could.  The clown fish never did have a thing for tact, but she was not going to let him bad mouth little children.

“FINE!  BUT SHE SURE AS SHELL AIN’T STAYING HERE WITH THAT OCTO HAG OVER THERE!”

That got Tetrox’s attention, “WHAT did you just call me?”

Annie now turned her head up to look at Tetrox’s face.  She had been so focused on the lost little Inkling that she didn’t even notice who it was that brought Ursy in.

“YOU HEARD ME!  BEAT IT LOSER!”

Annie had just thought that a friendly Inkling had found Ursy and helped bring her back here to try and find her sister.  But she was not expecting that the person to bring her here to be an Octoling.  Annie’s face immediately turned flushed and she found herself at a loss for words.

“Well excuse me, small fry, but I’m staying right here!” Tetrox spat back.

“YOU BEING HERE IS MAKING COOLER HEADS LESS COOL BY THE SECOND!”

“Why should I listen to you?  You was just talking smack about a little girl just a second ago!”

“Y'ALL BOTH AIN’T FRESH, BUT SHE JUST AIN’T RIPE!  SHE AIN’T MOLDY 'N ROTTEN LIKE YOU!”

“Big words coming from a teeny tiny fish stick! Yer Mama ever tell you how you got a mouth like a Bigmouth Bass?”

“LEAST MY MOMMA TALKED TO ME!  YOU SO UGLY, YO MOMMA TOLD PEOPLE YOU WASN’T HER KID BEFORE YOU WAS BORN!”

As the two exchanged barbs at one another, Annie became more and more flustered and uncomfortable.  She prayed that something would happen to help ease the tension and soon.  Ursy just looked at them with a confused look on her face, but from where she was standing, it began to look kind of funny.

To Be Continued…


Written by 

Some Squid Named Steve

Art by Oranguin 

¹ Indigo & Amaranth belong to Freddy Fio / Splattoomy

² Ursy belongs to Ask The Little Inkling

NOTE:  Art from Da Bath House will return in the next part!


Previous Parts:

Tammy’s comments: AH! Nice to see Arnick got out just fine. And I knew Moe would shine in this part. Can’t wait to see what happens next.

“Ohhhh Hansa~!” Hansa jumped at the sing songy voice before he shuddered. That voice was not good news. He sighed and turned around to face Daisy.

“Hansa, since you’re done washing my dishes I need you to come help me organize some books. Oh! And, I suppose you can put your clothes back on~ Thanks sweet cheeks!” Daisy sang, giving his butt a good squeeze before she dashed off again. Hansa was already flushed a bright yellow but he was relieved when she had said he could put some clothes back on. Washing dishes in nothing but an apron while Daisy darted in and out to touch his ass was…uncomfortable….to say the least. 

After dressing in the butler outfit Daisy had given him (WHY did she have this? Wait…on second thought….he didn’t want to know.) Hansa found Daisy in her room. 

“What was it you wanted me to organize for you?” He asked, a bit wearily. Daisy jumped up and clapped her hands together, a devious smirk and mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Hansa! Excellent! I’d just love it if you could organize this bookshelf for me!” She gestured to a cluttered, jam-packed bookshelf. Hansa gulped and his eyes widened in fear when he saw just what exactly she wanted organized. Because this book shelf was packed full of every naughty, X-rated, obscene sex magazine and book Daisy could get her tentacles on. Not only that, it was so disorganized Hansa was afraid of what ELSE he might find in there.

“Have fun~!” Daisy said cheerily, brushing close to Hansa before she stopped. In a lower, huskier voice she whispered, “Oh, and, don’t be afraid to tell me if you see anything in there you’d like to try, big boy~” She punctuated her sentence by giving a firm squeeze to Hansa’s groin. Hansa squealed in embarrassment and jumped away, trying to shield himself from her. Daisy just laughed heartily and left the room. Dear Cod, she’s absolutely merciless! Hansa thought to himself, refusing to let down his guard until he knew that she wasn’t just waiting to surprise him. When he was satisfied that she wasn’t waiting for him to turn around so she could pounce on him, Hansa heaved a huge sigh and gave a nervous glance to the bookshelf. He gulped.

“L-let’s just get this over with…” He muttered as he began to sort through the mess.

OOC: AYYYYYYY here u go. prooooobably shouldn’t post this since it’s a touch nsfw ;p but here’s Hansa organizing Daisy’s porn collection lol. I know you didnt ask for a fic but while i was drawing i couldn’t stop thinking about how everything would go so….yeah….fic lol

AAhhahA! I don’t think this is inn appropriate here. Hahah! Oh gosh Daisy give poor guy a break. X’D