Dean gripped the
arm-rests as the plane hit a wave of turbulence.
“Dean, are you okay?”
Y/N asked looking at me concernedly.
“No, not really.” I said
my heart beating a little faster than usual.
“Why, are afraid of
flying?” she asked.
“Well sort of”
“You need to calm
“Well, I can’t” I replied
staring wildly around feeling a hit of nausea.
“Yes you can” she
“Could you stop with
the touchy feely yoga crap.” I said turning to her but she just rolled her eyes
and grabbed my wrist.
“What are you doing?”
“You need to relax,
give me your other hand, close your eyes and find a happy place.” Y/N said.
I obliged resting my
head against the seat as she applied pressure against the crease and began to
hum Metallica which was actually relaxing. I closed my eyes and tried to find a
happy place when the image of Y/N filled my brain. The way she laughed when no
one was looking, the warmth in her eyes, how her hair smelled of a vanilla
tinged floral scent when I hugged her. I
breathed in and then out, anxiety dissipating as Y/N continued to rub soothing
circles on my wrists.
“I think you have
found your happy place” she said smiling.
“Yes I have.” I said
opening my eyes seeing the warmth of her eyes and her dimpled cheek.
Thinking further about Dean Germaphobe Winchester and his Purgatory-esque call back in 12x15 and the overall character arcs of Sam, Dean, Cas and even Mary this season…
Obviously the Sam-lying narrative is what is most clear here and for Dean to push back on the “you are a killer” accusations being thrown his way, because he’s NOT in purgatory anymore and isn’t a ruthless killer of just anything, in fact he is now more in the ‘grey area’ than most as a direct opposition to the ‘purity’ of purgatory.
But also, could this purgatory link potentially be foreshadowing for Cas to come to harm through trying to protect Dean in some way? In the same way he pushed Dean away for his own good in purgatory? Thus being harmed and ‘left behind’ / held against his will at the end of the season as the cliff hanger, requiring a rescue in season 13? With all the emotional development I feel like they could actually get to a ‘good’ point (not necessarily romantic but just good) only to be pulled apart by cosmic consequences right at the end of the season…
For the past decade Sam has dealt with his brother making out with hot chicks after cases while he sits in the car waiting. For the past decade.
So when Dean and Cas finally get their shit together, Sam is fucking thrilled until two days later when they’re separating after a case and Cas has Dean pushed up against the driver’s side of the Impala while he gropes his ass and aggressively makes out with him.
Sam sits in the passenger seat and after five entire minutes he decides he’s had enough and honks the horn.
This goes on for months.
Case wraps up, Cas has somewhere to be, make out session at the Impala, Sam honks horn.
Sam snaps the day Cas turns Dean around and basically dry humps him while Dean presses his hands into the roof of the car making…horrible noises.
“Sure, Sammy, we’ll stop,” is all Dean says when Sam explodes at him on their ride home.
The next time Dean and Cas are saying bye, they don’t kiss or hug or grope at all.
No, instead they do the handshake from Parent Trap.
Six times in a row.
Sam slides over to the driver’s seat and leaves them on the side of the road.
How alone did Benny have to feel towards the end of the line? How alone does someone feel to agree to going back to the place he escaped from? How alone does he feel to be able to look at Dean one last time and smile before saying goodbye?
But that’s not the worst thing about any of that.
The worst thing is Benny never knew Dean was waiting in Maine for him. He doesn’t know the first thing Dean asks about is him. He doesn’t get to see the look of devastation and betrayal and hurt when Sam says Benny didn’t make it. He doesn’t know Dean never burned his bones ( but burned his fathers, charlie, even bobby’s. ) He doesn’t know that Dean’s happy place was purgatory and him… doesn’t know Dean hallucinates about it in The Werther Project.
The worst thing about how his story ends, is that Benny never knew how much Dean loved him.
“This is your happy place and you don’t really want to leave.”
God, this episode is great. The twists and turns and Dean’s own mind picking up on him talking about purgatory and it being pure and how it sort of “freed” him (because it unleashed his id essentially) is just so amazing and tragic on so many levels.
On the one hand purgatory represents where Dean might think he belongs and would go if he died after what he did and became.
On the other hand purgatory sort of would be a dream come true for Dean bearing the mark. And endless way of sating it without endangering humans and his loved ones. 360-degrees-combat. That would delight him, the way hunting 6 vampires alone delighted him.
Really, this is briliiant and devastating at the same time. Because the way Dean is driven to the point of suicide here is not by making him feel bad (as it was with Suzie), but making him feel good and making him say goodybe appearing like coming home.
I have speculated a couple of days back about the possibilties how the whole thing might turn out in the end and how 2x20 “What Is And What Should Never Be” might come into play (see here) and by the looks of it, I think it could truly turn out to come to one of the two scenarios.